Resilience.

Resilience.  I think that resilience is one of the most important traits that a person can possess. It gets you through all sorts of sticky situations. It gets you through tough times. It can even get you through *some* heartbreaks. 

I have a coworker who is one of the most resilient women I know. My first year as a school psychologist, she was my life line, the reason why I didn’t go insane. She is the secretary for the Director of Pupil Services. I called her for everything that year. Every question about protocol, every worry.  You see, I was pretty much hired and dumped. I did not have a mentor, I did not have supervision, I had no one to process cases with. I had to learn everything on my own through trial and error and common sense. 

Anyway, this woman is very special to me. She is one of the kindest, most patient women I know. And believe me-I know about the patience part. I’m sure that I tested it, especially that first year. No matter what I call her with, she’s in a good mood. She’s kind, she jokes around, she laughs at my lame, sometimes off-color jokes, nothing seems to phase her. She wins the prize, in my books, for kindest woman. She’s quality.

Why am I talking about her? Because she is a testament to strength and resiliency and grace.  I just found out this week that, about 9 or 10 years ago, her then 17 year old daughter was killed. I cannot imagine. It makes me sick. This girl, from what I understand, was a wonderful teenager on the verge of adulthood. She had the world in her palm. She was a member of ROTC, she had just been accepted to college. She was killed along the side of a road while trying to give back to the community by picking up trash. Someone was on their cell phone. They didn’t see her. They crossed the fog line.

My friend was heartbroken. Without a doubt. She wondered how she could go on. So did her husband. So did her other daughters. It took a lot of work. It took time. And someone how, she did it. I had no idea that such a tragedy had occurred because it was before my time and because she is just a happy, kind, genuine person. She radiates something. I don’t know what. An inner peace.  A fun loving spirit.  It’s amazing how resilient she is. She likes everyone and, just as important, she likes herself. She’s kind to herself. And I don’t think that too many of us are.

Seeing her, knowing now what she went through, knowing who she is now is inspirational. It makes me realize what is important. I realize how very little I need or want. I need Alex. I need my husband…I want us to be happy and healthy. Beyond that…whatever.  Yes, I’d love to have another baby. But I need to pay attention to what I have now. In my life, as it is now, having a baby is not the most crucial element. Do I feel that something is missing. Of course.  But hearing my friend’s story made me realize that there are far worse things in life than not having a second child. And again, I just pray that Alex and Dan stay happy and healthy. I pray that we all have a long life together. Will we try for a baby? Of course. Will I be sad if it doesn’t happen. You betcha. Will I cry? Sure.  But man, did I get some perspective.

Mother's Day

Two years ago on Mother's day, I was not yet a mother. I was waiting for my baby. I was about a week away from doing an IUI. That was the IUI where we got pregnant with Alexandra. So much has changed in two years. That year, I was staring into an unknown future. I had no idea how or if our dreams would come true. The year after, I was rejoicing at being a brand new mother on Mother's Day. And now, today, I am chasing around a 15 month old and planning to try for a second baby. Thank God for all of these gifts! Not a day goes by when I don't remember where we came from. Not a day goes by, no matter how hard a day or how stressed I am, that I don't realize what a gift we have been given. I continue to pray to never take Alex, or our life together as a family, for granted.

For those of you whom have yet to meet your babies....this probably all sounds really sappy and it may be hard to read. But please know that we were in your foot steps. I secretly felt like we would never get pregnant. I could not FATHOM my body doing anything correctly such as actually creating a baby, much less carrying and nurturing that baby. I was so used to my body failing me. I really began to doubt my capacity to conceive a baby and to actually make that baby into a healthy human being. It's so very difficult to think positively when you are let down time and time again. And if you are like me, not having control of anything drives you extra bonkers! And sometimes still, I doubt that my body could actually do it all again. But guess what...doubt is normal! Fear is normal! But just because you doubt whether you can actually do it, does not mean you can't! I still look back and am sometimes shocked that it happened for us, that this is our life.

I'm proud to be a mother. But I also carry around a little bit of secret pride that I do not talk about very often. I struggled for a chance to have a baby. I cried. I screamed. I raged when we failed. I went through emotional and physical pain. I endured things that I never thought I would have to endure. If it weren't for my husband, I'm not sure I could have handled it all. There were times that I became so angry at the unfairness of it all, I just wanted to give up and say F*^% you to the world. But I didn't. I kept going. And we got there. So yes, I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of my husband, and I'm proud of all the women who are struggling for their chance to be a mother and find a way to make it happen-even if that way is different from what they had originally expected. It makes me realize how tough we are. We infertiles have grit. And grit and resiliency are damned good things to have in this world. You will get there, one way or another...just keep going!

 Alex presenting me with my Mother's Day gift from she and daddy. Hmmm....from Tiffany's eh??? It's not often I see that blue bag ;)

 I LOVE it!

 Even better...it has a charm with her name on it <3

<3

A Sunny Forcast...

Finally, we have a whole week of sun forcasted! I cannot wait! It seems like it has been raining continually for the last month. After a long winter, I have very little tolerance for a raining/dreary spring. Anyway, we had great weather today for my best friend's daughters' birthday party. Rylee is turning four and Reese is turning one. All the kids had a great time in the bouncy houses and on the playground. Alex is at such a fun age now. She can do so much, understand so much...and it was just so satisfying to see her exploring the park "on her own" and hanging out with some of the other little ones. Was a great day :) And now for some pics....of course.

 One of the birthday girls, Reese, turning 1

 Alex-waiting for her hot dog

 She was ready to steal that balloon!

 Birthday girl #2: Rylee, turning 4. I had some trouble getting a good pic of her

 Alex checking out the bouncy house

 Tunneling through

 Jill and I with the kids...no one is looking though, as usual

All three kids again-except Alex is ready to go AWOL

To Be The Infertility Nazi Or Not...

I like to think that I am pretty open about our experiences with medical assistance. I also like to think that I am pretty open about our fertility issues in general; and this was more difficult than I thought it would be. That, of course, goes back to feelings of shame/inadequacy...completely useless emotions to have about something you have no control over. Everyone (most everyone, as perceived by an infertile) wants to lay claim to being some hyper-fertile goddess. Heck, isn't that why we are put on earth...to procreate? To repopulate the earth? To pass our genes on? To pass our beliefs on? Reality can be pretty nasty if this uber-fertile vision does not come to fruition.

Anyway, I try to walk a fine line between lending support to people in similar situations/providing some actual fact-based knowledge versus beating people over the head with all topics fertility related. Lets face it, I don't want to come off as "that woman" who gets all fired up whenever babies or ttc are mentioned. I don't want to sound like I'm reciting a Wikipedia page, despite the fact that I have entirely too much knowledge about all things fertility related.

I need to reconcile the fact that few people have the knowledge that I have about fertility. This sounds arrogant, I know. But I know this stuff because the *need* was there, not because I am extra intelligent or anything. A typical person does not need to know half the stuff that I had to learn. They don't know about charting, or even what BBT means. They have no idea that cervical mucus even exists or that your cervix can be high or low, firm or soft, depending on where you are in your cycle. Heck, these people would never dream to *check* the position of their cervix. Lucky them. Seriously.

Anyway, the purpose behind this long winded post is to really just complain. Complain because I am no longer naive; complain because I cannot be blissfully unaware like most people I encounter. Lucky them again. I was in the faculty room today eating lunch. The subject went to Kate Middleton and how she better be fertile-or else. Somehow or other, the topic went from that to women getting pregnant once they stopped trying. Ok, that's pet peeve myth #1. Of course, my teeth were instantly set on edge. Then, in a cruel fashion, someone piped in with: "Yeah, it's like when people adopt, they get pregnant right after".

I think my eyes were crossed by this point.
Point 1: No amount of relaxing will get you pregnant if you DO NOT OVULATE. Duh.
Point 2: That whole thing with adopting and then getting pregnant-that happens to maybe .00322 percent of the people that go the adoption route.
Point 3: Adoption is not a means to getting pregnant. It is unfair to think of adoption as a means to get a biological child (not to mention silly). Adoption is a wonderful gift on its own. Adding the whole pregnancy thing cheapens a miraculous gift.

So, the question was: Do I speak up or do I let things slide. Like I said, I'm pretty open about our experiences, if the situation calls for it. I don't shout it from the roof tops randomly or anything because I don't want infertility to define me, us. Well, the mood in the room was light and airy. A bunch of professionals having an easy-going lunch and gossiping...not trying to cause any harm or hurt. And as annoyed as I was about such silly ideas, I realized that it was not my place to dispel such asinine myths. At least, not at that moment. I was tempted. Oh yes I was. But in the end...they don't understand how silly they sound because they never had to (fortunately) walk a mile in the infertile's shoes. Basically, they don't know what they are talking about....so should we really care what they have to say??? And thus, I decided to keep quiet and enjoy a lunch with my colleagues. This time ;)

Some friends and I after St. Paddy's Day. I am on the end, very un-festively dressed in black ;)

I Wonder If Anyone Else Feels This Way?

This is kind of a secondary infertility/ttc #2+ thing but...

Lately I have been feeling a little bit guilty when I think about having another child. I've mostly worked through my guilt over wanting another baby when I had originally prayed to "Just have one healthy child". Now my guilt is about adding another baby to the family. Right now, Alexandra is the center of everything. She gets all the attention. I *know* that giving her a sibling would be an absolute gift-despite the various fights and arguments that will inevitably arise. I also think that it would be good for her to have a sibling as far as learning life lessons (to share, to compromise, etc.)...and I also want her to have a "life partner" of sorts. Someone she can travel through life with and be best friends with. And lets face it, Alex can't stay the absolute focus of everyone's attention for her whole life. That isn't healthy either.

So yes, I know all of these things. I, in my heart, feel that our family is not complete yet. But when I think about bringing a new baby home, my heart hurts a little bit for Alex because I know she will feel confused and will not understand why mom can't attend to her every need. So yeah-these feelings are a BIG surprise. I think the fact that we are getting so close to going back to our RE is bringing some of this up. The prospect of having another baby is thrilling, but a little bit scary too. I know that I really shouldn't be getting ahead of myself-since actually *getting* pregnant is not a sure thing for us. But still...I just wonder how it will be?

 Trying out her Hot Wheels for the first time!

 She's a big fan!

 My sister's new puppy, Nico

Having some of the family over for dinner

An oldie: one of my best friends and I. I was looking through old pictures and came across this. She was a rock when I was going through fertility treatments.

Eighty Three!

Eighty Three. It hit 83 degrees today! Can you tell I'm thrilled?! There has been only one other 80-some-odd-degree day since September (but I don't count that day because I was at work all day in my windowless office). It has been a very long, very drawn out, very dreary winter this year...complete with record breaking snow falls. Seeing everything turn green again just thrills me to no end. And I've been itching to get outside with Alex, as we have her new swing set and a sand/water box, amongst other outside toys.

Anyway, I got home around 4pm and Alex and I spent the next 2.5 hours outside playing. So nice. She absolutely loves her water/sand box. We had to go with a raised box, because I knew that the pugs would get into a sandbox on the ground and dig it up and/or do their business in it. We had an absolute ball. We both got filthy-and wet-but such is life.

Being out there with her seriously made me question why we don't move to Australia, at least on a trial basis. Yes..I would miss my family. I would miss my friends, our house, our life...even my job. But still-I feel like Australia would be a great place to raise a family. Certainly the weather would be better and we could enjoy being outside as a regular part of life. The funny thing is, at this point, I'd be more willing to give it a try (for a year and see how it goes) than Dan-the native Australian. Funny how that has kind of flipped around. When I was younger, I was much more worried and scared of such a radical move. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's because I'm older and we have our own family. I think it would be interesting. And if it didn't work out-we can always come back. That's why sabbaticals exist ;) Who knows where life will bring us....it's kind of exciting to not have everything planned out just yet...

 Beautiful day!

 Sand/water box = best buy ever. She spent hours playing with it!

 The end result. You can't really see it...but she's covered with sand/dirt and film from bubbles ;)

Infertility and Superstitions..

I don't think I am *normally* a very superstitious person. I mean, it's probably kind of a continuum and most people fall somewhere on it. For example, in high school, I played soccer and swam. Well, before every game and/or meet, I had to get changed in the exact same order and eat the same lunch or dinner. I know. Weird. But I hear that it's typical for a lot of athletes to have odd "quirks". And they are forgiven for them. Heck, it's kind of expected. Thankfully, I never went to the point of wearing the same grimy, unwashed socks that some players do. I was in good shape in that respect.

But infertility, amongst other things, has made me superstitious. I don't know if this is a fate that befalls all infertiles, or if it's just one of my "charming" attributes. Regardless, I've dealt with this before and apparently will be dealing with it again.

Some of my past and/or present superstitions:
-If I get up one half a *second* before 10 minutes is up after insemination or intercourse, I will most definitely not get pregnant. This usually has me laying in bed with my hips tilted for 45 minutes or so...gotta be sure!
-If I buy anything baby related before I get pregnant, I will never get pregnant. I adjusted this (because I couldn't control myself) to: if I bought anything full price, then I wouldn't get pregnant that cycle. Because really-a deal is a deal. You can't fault a girl for going after bargains.
-If I whispered our chosen names to *anyone*, a friend/relative would inadvertently "steal" that name. Because of course, they would be pregnant first.

Ok, so there's only a few of many. So many rules going into this baby making regime!

And then there's the weird ones like, "if I make it through this yellow light, I will get pregnant within six months". Really?! Because what the heck is that all about?! I don't even understand it myself.

Now I'll tell you about what kicked off this entry. Today I went to Wegmans to buy some groceries. It was pouring and I had no coat. I did something I usually *never* do (seriously, I don't), which was to park in the "expectant mother parking". I know. I'm horrible. But like I was saying, it was raining, I had to get like 5 things and I had no coat...oh, and there were about 10 other open "expectant mother" spaces available. So I didn't think it would harm anyone. But I really am anal about stuff like that (for instance, I can't stand when people don't return their carts). Anyway, I digress. Well, after thinking about it, and being a believer in karma...I am now worried that I won't get pregnant because I parked in the pregnant lady parking place, which was just wrong. Karma. Karma will get you every time. It doesn't matter that, coming out of the store, there were still 8 spots left. Nope, I shot myself in the foot.

So yes. I'm weird. Maybe a little neurotic. I blame it on infertility. Easy scapegoat. Am I the only one?????

Anyway, here are some pics of Easter. We had a great time and the bunny hooked Alexandra up! The three of us had a nice morning together. We made pancakes and looked for Alex's basket. Then we went to my cousin's house for an Easter dinner with my parents and the extended family. Just a nice family day :)

 Alex "finding" the stash from the Easter bunny

 Her Easter outfit

 Crazy girl

 The Easter grass was the best part of the whole day!

Hanging out with her cousin...he's teaching her about stairs