Just Can't Escape It...

You know how there's been a ton of attention lately regarding cyber bullying (rightfully so). They say that cyber bullying is especially painful because it creeps into people's homes when, prior to our age of internet and chat rooms, the home was basically a sanctuary from the world. So it's especially insidious.

Okay....so I am not being bullied. I am NOT even comparing this to cyber bullying because it's basically my fault and because it's not something being *done* to me, it's what I am doing to myself. I use the cyber bullying analogy loosely to discuss the "everyone's pregnant" phenomena that is currently happening in my life.

It's happening at work. It's happening with friends. It's happening with acquaintances. It's happening with people I don't even care for....and now it's happening in my Play Room online forum. I can't escape it-even on the internet in my own home (which must be how some people feel about being bullied online-but on a much larger and significant scale)!

Now, I don't get to go into my PR that often. Between work and Dan and Alex, I just don't have the time I used to while I was on my maternity leave. But I have a feeling I may be there even less. Not because I don't like the women there-but because I have begun *counting* who is pregnant and who is not. This is not a good sign. This means I am getting into that mode of being preoccupied with NOT being pregnant. I need to cut myself off at the knees because it's a very slippery slope from being like this to crying every month when AF arrives. I really don't want to go there just yet...

I just wish I had a crystal ball that I could look into. That way I would know for sure whether we were going to have another baby. Either way, I think knowing would end this limbo. And I hate limbo. I remember saying that it was one of the worst things about ttc the first time around. Even if the answer were no, I would be heartbroken, but I would grieve and hopefully move ahead with a different plan. And if that same crystal ball showed us having another child, then I could just chill, wait, bide my time and not carry around this worry. Ahhhh, if only life were so neat.

 It's finally nice enough to hang out on the deck!

 Check out our Craig's List deal! Alexandra LOVES it!

 Whhheeeeee!

Hanging out in her club house

Random...

For the life of me, I can't think of anything to blog about today. It's sunny here, and that's a change. We've been enjoying the first few glimpses of spring and my daffodil buds are beginning to pop up :) The winter has been brutal this year; and while I'm not sure living here is worth it, the upside is that you appreciate Spring SO much more! Dan, Alex and I took a long walk yesterday with the pugs. Alex was in her little car and she loved it-she gets to be so much closer to everything that way. Now it needs to warm up twenty more degrees so I can open the windows and get winter out of my house!

Alex and I went to Babies R Us yesterday...I had to buy registry presents for my cousin (who is having IVF boy/girl twins) and a work colleague who is having natural twins. The work friend was one of those incredibly/crazily lucky women who got pregnant on their honeymoon-and with twins no less! They think that they are identical too (boys). But I've had such a nice weekend with Alex and Dan that I didn't even really feel that familiar pinch of jealousy that I normally feel when I hear about women getting pregnant straight away. That's not to say that the green-eyed monster won't rear its ugly head sooner or later. And Babies R Us was fun....Alex was smiling, waving and saying "hiiiiiii" to all the other babies there. I don't know if it's because I have the itch again, but BRU reminds me of how exciting pregnancy is-all the build up and preparation. I hope I get to experience it again :) I hope that I am able to savor that time, if I do.

Anyway, just wanted to post some pics of the weekend. We really didn't do anything special, but it was just one of those weekends that really make me want to be a stay at home mom <3

 Alexandra loving her caterpillar that she got at BRU

 Finally! It's nice enough to go for a walk!

 The whole family...minus me. Alex waving at someone apparently :p

Daddy and Alex play time

NTNP'ing...and Other News

Alright! There has been some progress on the home front: we are no longer protecting! We have, in fact, graduated to NTNP'ing (not trying, not protecting for those non JM'ers). Now, I am being pretty realistic. I know my changes of getting pregnant naturally aren't great but hey-it still feels great to NOT be preventing! So there's a chance-albeit small-that perhaps we'll get a surprise. Before, there really was no chance. So yes...here's to progress! Oh, and on a side note, my period has been strangely regular since having Alexandra. Well, regular for me anyway. I mean, we're not having cycles like clock-work-but pretty regular. Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself. I'm strangely superstitious when it comes to matters of fertility.

The other thing is that I think we have decided to go back to our specialist for sure in May/June. It's so exciting (and scary) to think that, in another month or so, we could be starting this journey again!

And to save the best for last....Alexandra is now a FULL FLEDGED WALKER!!! She's 14 months now, and went from only taking a step or two last weekend, to toddling all over the place. I just love watching her! She takes after me...early talker, late walker (although she did beat me by a month in the walking). I'm so proud of her and she's so proud of herself!!!!

 Alexandra: my little walker!

 Now she can stalk the cat properly

 More walking pics...she's so proud of herself!

Loves her bounce and spin zebra

If I Didn't Have PCOS...

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to struggle to have a baby
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have had a miscarriage
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have to shave and/or pluck hair from places that hair shouldn't be
If I didn't have PCOS...I might not have to constantly struggle with maintaining my weight
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to take a daily shot to make myself ovulate
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have gone through the trauma of a doctor telling me that I may never get pregnant (at 14 no less)
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to carry around the knowledge, the burden (for years) that I may never conceive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of failing to achieve my heart's greatest desire
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of an HSG
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never experienced the degree of depression that I went through
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the pain and unfairness of friends and relatives leaving me behind in beginning their families
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have missed several days of work to be monitored and get ultrasounds
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had the experience of getting a phone call saying my blood test was negative-and falling apart for the rest of the day

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have found an inner strength to keep going, to keep pushing on, to work so hard for something I dearly want
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood the true value of faith
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have the empathy to help friends in similar situations, to make it slightly more bearable for them
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not be as good at my job. While others' pain may not be from the same source, I can still better understand the depth of their pain.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have been as humbled, I wouldn't have understood some of the physical limits that come with being an imperfect human
If I didn't have PCOS...my relationship with my husband might not have been so tested. And I might never have realized how wonderful he is, and how I want to be the best person I can be for him.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never realized how strong our marriage is-and what it can survive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood how truly miraculous my daughter's birth was, and how truly blessed we are to have her here with us

If I didn't have PCOS...Alexandra may have not been here. I would have had another baby. A different baby. A baby whom I would have loved with all my heart. But not the baby I have now, the child that we were "meant" to have. The child who was meant to be in this world. Alexandra is my constant reminder that things work out for a reason, even when it seems as though all odds are against you. I take comfort in this, because I love her so much. Things are as they should be. I pray that she will continue to grow strong and healthy. And I am privileged to be her mother.

I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for my PCOS, but I'm feeling more at peace with myself. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is one of mine. I pray for peace in our up-coming journey through the world of medical assistance for a second time. Whatever the outcome, I pray for strength and faith, and to never lose sight of the blessings that have already been granted to me, despite whatever new struggle I am in.

Feeling Some Old Feelings...

I don't even know where to begin. I've already erased the first draft of this post.

I want a baby. I want to give Alexandra the gift of a sibling. I am so afraid that we will be unable to "finish" our family...well, finish it the way we have envisioned it to be. All the infertility worry and doubt is beginning to settle in. I wondered how it would feel, going through all of this the second time. I often wondered if it would be as intense as going through it the first time.

And for now, the answer for myself is...yes and no. Yes, it is *as* intense in that the instinct/need/desire (whatever you call it) to mother a second child is so very strong. And the possibility of not being able to do so brings up all the buried feelings and inadequacies that I had experienced before.

And no because when it's all said and done, I'm still in the role that I have desired since I was a child-that of a mom. I have my baby girl to care for and love. I am blessed to have the life and family I have, to be experiencing parenthood. And when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I can hold Alex, or watch her play and that fills me with purpose and I can continue to revel in my role as "mom".

It's such a confusing dichotomy. To want something again, so much, that it hurts. But to, in some ways, already have what you want. To tell you the truth, I am unprepared for these feelings. I used to pray just to have one child. Now I pray for another. Am I being greedy? I'm just a big jumble of confusing emotions: I am so eternally grateful that my prayers have been answered that I almost feel guilty over wanting a second child. I feel like my dream has come true. My ultimate dream. How can I want more? I was kind of ready for an onslaught of emotions when we began thinking about trying for number two. I was prepared for sadness and frustration and anger...but not for this guilt. What is going on here???

Alexandra at a friend's St. Paddy's brunch, sporting her "Kiss me, I'm 1/8 Irish shirt"

Vacation Pics!

So despite numerous cancellations and/or delays on our flights, we finally made it to Fort Myers (a day late, but at least we got there). My parents are snow birds and own a place there...which is nice for us because we always have a place to go to in the winter. Dan's parents also came with us, and then flew out on Friday to leave for Australia. We will all definitely miss them...but Dan, Alex and I are looking forward to planning our trip to Australia this coming July!

We crammed a lot in, despite Alex being under the weather for the first day: we went to the beach, went to a water park, did a nature walk, shopped at some outlets, and spent several afternoons at the pool. Also went to the Naples Zoo. We had a great time...but now it's back to reality. Here are some pics :)

 Taking a swim...Alex LOVED the pool!

 Sticking out her tongue...her new favorite pose 

 Alex with her daddy and both sets of grandparents at the Naples Zoo

 Alex cuddling her new stuffed giraffe. We had to get her one because she loved the giraffes at the zoo

 Sitting with nanna...all dressed up to go out

 Playing in the sand with Deda

 She loved the sand!

 So happy!

 Playing at a water park type of thing

Vacationing with a Toddler...

Vacationing with a toddler is a different experience-especially your first time around! Yes, we have traveled with Alexandra before now. Heck, we were in Australia this past summer with her when she was six months old. However, traveling with a toddler is a whole new ball of wax.

There was a fever, crankiness from teething, tantrums, ear issues on the plane, tantrums over having to sit still while being out to dinner (we probably won't be going out to eat for awhile), crankiness from a disruption of her schedule, missing naps, planning the day around naps, tantrums. Yes, we have begun the tantrum stage. My baby girl is strong willed <3 Wonderfully strong willed, I should say. And also sweet, loving, funny, adventurous and so very smart. I could keep going....

It's pretty safe to say that vacation, for me, is no longer about sipping cocktails by the pool and relaxing with a good book. There is no more relaxing. Vacationing with a toddler takes work, patience and practice.

But I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!!

Things have changed. They certainly aren't as easy as before. But I loved sharing all those experiences with my baby girl and husband. I loved watching her explore new places and see new things. And yes, it isn't as relaxing on mama anymore, but it's just so much better, so much more meaningful and worthwhile.  This vacation was a stark contrast to our last vacation to Florida. I was doing injections that whole time and monitoring my temperature. I was depressed when we went to the beach and all I saw were families.

And now I was able to be at the beach with *my* family. And that's something I will always wonder at and be grateful for. Despite the hiccups along the way, being a parent is the most wondrous life experience. Vacations may no longer be stress free-but dang-they sure are memorable <3