PCOS, I am getting awful sick of your antics

Seriously. At least if my cycles are going to stay irregular, why can't they consistently stay irregular? Because I have to say, having a 45 day cycle, a perfect 28 day cycle (tease), a 21 day cycle, 19 day cycle and 15 day cycle is wearing a bit thin.

Not that it was great before having Alex, when I'd go 60+ days without having a period, but at least I could count on generally knowing my pattern. My pattern, of course, being not having a period for a long ass time. But hey, that was normal for me Now I'm all messed up.

I had hoped that, after having Alexandra, some miracle would occur and my body would have straightened itself out. I knew it was pretty much a pipe dream...but I think that this is something all pcos'ers secretly hope for. I had some hope for awhile. After all, I've had way more periods in the last 13 months that I have had in the last 3 years! So I had reason to hope. But this every other week thing is getting a little excessive.

And the other reason to be annoyed with pcos: I have the day off today. It's a snow day give back. It's beautiful outside...hot and sunny. Alex and I spent most of the morning playing in her sand/water box. BUT...now because my cycles are all wacky, I have to go into the GYN this afternoon. Because, while wacky cycles are normal for women with pcos, it is not normal for me to have such short periods. Ugh. I hate using a vacation day in the doctor's office. I'll probably get reacquainted with the trans vaginal ultrasound wand as well. Icing on the cake.

So all in all I am annoyed. I thought about canceling the appointment because my cycle seems to be getting longer again, but then I got paranoid about canceling and convinced myself that if I didn't go, then something would be wrong. So, alas, I am going in.

Keep your fingers crossed that there is nothing *new* wrong in there....

PCOS and Mind Games

So as I reported a few weeks ago, we are NTNP'ing (not trying, not protecting). I figured that we would "ease" back into the baby making business.  And really, I didn't expect too much. But then it just happens. Before you know it, you begin paying attention to your cycle days more, begin scrutinizing your cm (if you don't know what that is an acronym for, you're probably better off), looking at the toilet paper and noticing every ache and pain and twinge in the ovary area. How does this happen? How does one go from not *really* trying to micro-analyzing bodily fluids?

PCOS. PCOS has completely f*cked with my mind. Before having Alex, I'd have super long menstrual cycles of between 60 and 90 days. And then, miracle of miracles, after having Alex, they became more regular. I thought that was interesting. Maybe even promising. But I didn't want to get too excited. But the thought crept in...maybe I will be one of those lucky women that urban legends in fertility circles (or rather, infertility circles) are created about...the woman who had soooooo much trouble getting pregnant the first time. But. The. Second. Time....watch out! One try and BAM..baby on board!

But really. Does that ever actually *really* happen? I mean, it sounds good...but does anyone know of a pcos'er (in real life) that had no trouble getting pregnant a second, third or whatever time? I mean no trouble, none-whatsoever. I dunno-seems very urban legend'ish. But maybe I'm just in the bitter barn tonight.

Ok, so this month my CM seemed good; I had strange ovulation like twinges in my ovary and the husband and I got busy when all of those symptoms collided. I refuse to temp, knowing how neurotic it makes me, but I was feeling ok. Cautiously optimistic. My cycles have been fairly regular, so what the heck-maybe we'd get lucky.

Well guess who shows up, on CD 19 no less? Yes, that's right. Cycle Day 19. Yes-AF in all her nasty glory!  I even did the whole, "well maybe it's implantation bleeding". LOL. Let the craziness begin. At least I'm still in the stage where I can laugh at it. We'll see if that lasts when I'm doing two injections daily in the stomach.

So yes...my period seems to be coming regularly, just a bit more often. I wonder which way is better? Either way, I know that the medical assistance route is closing in, which is ok. Doesn't matter how the baby gets here...as long as they get here and ARE healthy.And thank God for the technology that brings all these babies into the world.

But I just have to say...thanks for the tease, PCOS.

Now on a bright note...I have had the whole week off this week and have loved spending it with Alexandra. The weather has been rainy and dreary, but we've gone to the indoor mall playground one day and had a play date with my best friend's kids today. I'll miss being with Alex all day, come Monday. But thankfully I am in a profession where I basically only work half a year. And I will have all summer off starting June 24 until September 7th! CAN'T WAIT.  Here are some pics from today's play date.

 All three kids playing so nicely...for the moment ;)

 Alexandra, enjoying one of Rylee's birthday cupcakes.

 So innocent looking...this was about 20 seconds before the pushing started ;)

Love this pic <3

If I Didn't Have PCOS...

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to struggle to have a baby
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have had a miscarriage
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have to shave and/or pluck hair from places that hair shouldn't be
If I didn't have PCOS...I might not have to constantly struggle with maintaining my weight
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to take a daily shot to make myself ovulate
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have gone through the trauma of a doctor telling me that I may never get pregnant (at 14 no less)
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to carry around the knowledge, the burden (for years) that I may never conceive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of failing to achieve my heart's greatest desire
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of an HSG
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never experienced the degree of depression that I went through
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the pain and unfairness of friends and relatives leaving me behind in beginning their families
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have missed several days of work to be monitored and get ultrasounds
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had the experience of getting a phone call saying my blood test was negative-and falling apart for the rest of the day

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have found an inner strength to keep going, to keep pushing on, to work so hard for something I dearly want
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood the true value of faith
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have the empathy to help friends in similar situations, to make it slightly more bearable for them
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not be as good at my job. While others' pain may not be from the same source, I can still better understand the depth of their pain.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have been as humbled, I wouldn't have understood some of the physical limits that come with being an imperfect human
If I didn't have PCOS...my relationship with my husband might not have been so tested. And I might never have realized how wonderful he is, and how I want to be the best person I can be for him.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never realized how strong our marriage is-and what it can survive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood how truly miraculous my daughter's birth was, and how truly blessed we are to have her here with us

If I didn't have PCOS...Alexandra may have not been here. I would have had another baby. A different baby. A baby whom I would have loved with all my heart. But not the baby I have now, the child that we were "meant" to have. The child who was meant to be in this world. Alexandra is my constant reminder that things work out for a reason, even when it seems as though all odds are against you. I take comfort in this, because I love her so much. Things are as they should be. I pray that she will continue to grow strong and healthy. And I am privileged to be her mother.

I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for my PCOS, but I'm feeling more at peace with myself. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is one of mine. I pray for peace in our up-coming journey through the world of medical assistance for a second time. Whatever the outcome, I pray for strength and faith, and to never lose sight of the blessings that have already been granted to me, despite whatever new struggle I am in.

I Just Never Knew...

....how quickly calories could add up before I began tracking them online! Seriously-it's amazing how a cookie here, a cracker there, can add up! I generally eat healthy-but I am a grazer. I snag a little something throughout the day and don't think too much about it. It's amazing how much more conscientious I am about what I eat when I actually have to track it!

Anyway, hooray for me because in three days-I have lost three pounds (granted, I'm drinking 100 fl oz of water, which I'm SURE has something to do with it)! I know I know-you shouldn't lose more than two in a week and all that, but I needed a kick start. And I'm being healthy-just exercising and sticking to about 1200 calories a day. It was getting frustrating before, when I *thought* that I was being healthy and not losing anything; but again, I don't think I really added up all of those little snacks. Apparently I thought all those calories went into a black hole or something.

I'm happy though, kind of feel like I'm back in the zone. Which is what I need since I have about five or six weeks to go before we see the RE again. I really want to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight when I go back. And, of course, losing some weight will only benefit me in terms of pcos.

Wish me luck, ladies! I am determined NOT to fall off the wagon OR become completely obsessed with it. I just want to have a healthy life which means healthy body and healthy mind ;)

Jealous???

I think I might have new baby envy?! Friends of ours are due to have their baby any minute-they're overdue really. I keep remembering the excitement of that time-of thinking about what the baby will look like and sound like. The excitement of adding a whole new person to the family and to your life (I think I have conveniently blocked out the sleepless nights though). I guess I'm surprised that the feeling of envy struck me this early. I didn't expect it for another six months at least. So perhaps I'm more ready than I had thought to go back to our fertility specialist.

I've been really torn between wanting to have another child, to complete our family....and wanting to keep Alexandra an only child for a little bit longer. I really am just enjoying us being a family of three and probably would be content with this for a few years longer. But the reality is-I don't know how long it will take to get pregnant this time around. I don't know what we'll be facing. Will it be easy? Will it be a long and difficult process? Will I have any more losses? Despite these worries and some conflicting feelings, I think we're ready to move ahead. It's kind of one of those things where you sometimes just have to jump feet first in and stop agonizing over the decision...and just hope for the best....

Back to the Fertility Specialist!

Here we go again ;) I'm excited to go back to our specialist, but am also kind of apprehensive. Fertility treatments take a lot out of a person, physically, mentally-and financially (just being pragmatic). Fortunately, my insurance seems to be pretty generous in this area. This is a point for which I am eternally grateful. I'm also so very grateful for the technology that has allowed us to become parents, so I hope this does not sound like I am complaining. I would gladly go through it all again (and more) if it means having another child.

I have a lot to do before that appointment, which is September 22nd. I still want to lose some more weight, in hopes of dragging my pcos back into submission...or at least tame it a bit. I have been doing well lately as far as eating well goes-not so much with the exercise though. Its been incredibly hot here the last week-high in the mid 90's and extremely humid. Which means no jogging or walking for Alex and I. Anyway-I have to whip out some hard core self control while in Australia-as I'm sure that there will be all sorts of eating there...and who doesn't overeat when they are on vacation? But I'm going to try very hard to make good choices to at least maintain while I'm gone.

Other than that...just waiting for the appointment. I'm glad it's not until September. I'm glad to have this summer without worrying about babies (except my own) and pregnancy. I want to just enjoy Dan and Alex and yeah, have a few drinks too. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that things work out again. I've been blessed with Alex-sometimes I wonder if it can happen again? Right now, I'm just going to throw it up to God ;) Because, really, what else can I do? While this thought would have been troubling to me in the past, now it gives me a degree of comfort. Anyways-hoping and praying for the best :)

The Diet Starts Tomorrow....

LOL...I have said this too many times to count! And basically, I just say it to rationalize eating whatever it is that is really uber unhealthy. Sometimes I'll even say, "Diet starts next week". So ok, it's Monday and my goal/resolution is to no longer say "The Diet Starts (insert convenient time frame)". It's gonna be hard to no longer use this as a crutch, because it has become my way of excusing making poor food choices and not having to feel bad about it because I'll have a "fresh" start whenever I choose ;) But yeah...it's not working. I end up giving myself free reign to eat whatever and it just leads to havoc!

So yeah-diet starts today. And it's not even a diet-I just need to change the way I eat in general. Having pcos, I am more prone to develop obesity and cardiovascular health issues. Not to mention, the healthier you are with pcos, the more chance of your cycles returning to "normal" and to conceiving without any medical assistance or not as much medical assistance. Getting healthier can also control other pcos symptoms. So really, I need to do this for me and more importantly...I need to do this for Alex. I want to be around when she is ready to have kids and beyond! Five pounds here, three pounds there may not seem like a big deal at the time...but it adds up and I am definitely heavier than I was in college and high school. Well actually, college has a lot to do with being heavier. College students could be one of the unhealthiest groups of people-I remember beer binges and pizza/wing binges at 2am! I wonder how we all survive it!? Sure was fun at the time though...

So diet starts today...I went to a nutritionist when I was going to the fertility specialist who gave me a plan for eating for pcos. I am starting it up today and getting my butt out for a jog. And the biggie-no more putting it off! No more saying, "Oh well...I screwed up today so I'll just eat whatever...diet starts tomorrow"! Wish me luck :)