If I Didn't Have PCOS...

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to struggle to have a baby
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have had a miscarriage
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have to shave and/or pluck hair from places that hair shouldn't be
If I didn't have PCOS...I might not have to constantly struggle with maintaining my weight
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to take a daily shot to make myself ovulate
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have gone through the trauma of a doctor telling me that I may never get pregnant (at 14 no less)
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to carry around the knowledge, the burden (for years) that I may never conceive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of failing to achieve my heart's greatest desire
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of an HSG
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never experienced the degree of depression that I went through
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the pain and unfairness of friends and relatives leaving me behind in beginning their families
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have missed several days of work to be monitored and get ultrasounds
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had the experience of getting a phone call saying my blood test was negative-and falling apart for the rest of the day

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have found an inner strength to keep going, to keep pushing on, to work so hard for something I dearly want
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood the true value of faith
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have the empathy to help friends in similar situations, to make it slightly more bearable for them
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not be as good at my job. While others' pain may not be from the same source, I can still better understand the depth of their pain.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have been as humbled, I wouldn't have understood some of the physical limits that come with being an imperfect human
If I didn't have PCOS...my relationship with my husband might not have been so tested. And I might never have realized how wonderful he is, and how I want to be the best person I can be for him.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never realized how strong our marriage is-and what it can survive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood how truly miraculous my daughter's birth was, and how truly blessed we are to have her here with us

If I didn't have PCOS...Alexandra may have not been here. I would have had another baby. A different baby. A baby whom I would have loved with all my heart. But not the baby I have now, the child that we were "meant" to have. The child who was meant to be in this world. Alexandra is my constant reminder that things work out for a reason, even when it seems as though all odds are against you. I take comfort in this, because I love her so much. Things are as they should be. I pray that she will continue to grow strong and healthy. And I am privileged to be her mother.

I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for my PCOS, but I'm feeling more at peace with myself. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is one of mine. I pray for peace in our up-coming journey through the world of medical assistance for a second time. Whatever the outcome, I pray for strength and faith, and to never lose sight of the blessings that have already been granted to me, despite whatever new struggle I am in.