Saturday, January 28, 2012

So This is How MY Week Went....

I'm in the bitter-barn ladies. I'm keeping myself busy, which is good...because then I don't dwell as much. But really....the unfairness of fertility vs. infertility kind of slapped me in the face this week at work. So here's how my week went:

Monday: I'm a school psychologist so I chair CSE meetings. During one meeting on twin boys (the parents failed to show, which is sadly unsurprising) it comes out that mom punished one of the boys for asking for a change of clothes at school. Turns out, the clothes that he was in was soaked with urine-be it human or cat-moot point I guess. So this little boy summoned up the courage to ask for clothes and then was over the moon when given new jeans, a crisp white shirt and a flannel. You would have thought this kid was given the world. Well....he went home and mom apparently screamed at him for hours, threw the clothes away and made him stand in the corner in his boxers for hours.

Thursday: I have a third grade girls therapy of my girls was telling me how she has to watch her 7 younger brothers and sisters and how she cooks for them and cleans them. She proceeds to tell me that she was really scared the other night because mom took a pill for a "headache" and was basically comatose for 12 hours after. Apparently the mom could not have been woken even by being shaken. By the way, dad is in jail-a convicted sex offender. Mom is out of her ever living mind. And the little girl is just so sweet-I'd love to take her home :(

Friday: Another CSE meeting. This time a wonderful dad was there...he's doing anything and everything he can for his daughter. He's seriously wonderful and the little girl is thriving in his care. Prior to living with dad, she was living with mom and was diagnosed with selective mutism and social anxiety disorder. Mom was also living with a pedophile but for some reason DSS did not choose to intervene. Mom runs off to Florida with the pedophile and leaves the little girl with dad for six months...which is the best thing that could have happened for the girl. mom wants her back and dad is fighting it tooth and nail. Trial is next Friday....and unfortunately, there is no guarantee that some random judge won't place her back with mom.

I mean, seriously...if you willingly live with a should lose your kids.  End of story.

So it has been a very emotionally taxing week for me...and of course I can't stop wondering why these people have children SO easily???? How does this happen? What is the lesson? Is there a lesson here? I just don't get it. I can't even pretend to get it :(

As for me...I'm on CD 22 I'm hoping that we don't have much longer to wait. I'm giving myself until a week from Monday for my period to come. If it doesn't come by Monday, February 5 (CD30), than I'm calling the doctor and going in for my progesterone script. We are SO done waiting. We usually go to Florida to see my parents over February break and we are not going this year, for a few reasons. However one reason is definitely because we don't want to wait another cycle to begin trying. If we went to Florida, we would have to wait until March most likely-yikes!

So no Florida this year...but hopefully we get to go next year with TWO kids! Gah! Fingers crossed!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Alexandra's Second Birthday Party

Now that I've posted my wanting-a-baby-tirade just a minute ago...I will move on to something positive. Alex had her second birthday party and had a fantastic time! We had some family over, some friends, some kids...and lots of awesome food and, of course, cake...which the kids stalked the entire party. I think Alex had a ball and I really enjoyed planning the party. Buttttt...I'm glad it's over now! Time to relax :)

 We had a "Tangled" themed party

 The "adult" section, lol

 Fantastic food!

 Reese and Alex snuck away and were hanging out in the bathroom

 Controlled chaos

 Well...maybe not so controlled

 Don't you just dig her outfit???

 Opening pressies

 A new Radio Flyer tricycle!!! I was trying to give her a push in this pic and also trying to teacher her about the in progress

 Blowing out the candles

And late party-comer...Bentley the dog!

Another One Bites The Dust....

Some friends' of ours in Australia just had their first baby....gone are their relatively calm days and late nights and late mornings-hence the title of this post. They will be fantastic parents and she is a lucky little girl to have them (and vice versa). And of course, I am jealous...but I pretty much expect to feel that now for any sort of baby announcement, lol. It's not so bad really....just glad no one can read my mind!

Lately though, births have been bugging me more than pregnancy announcements. Which is kind of odd for me...because usually by the time the baby is actually coming out, I've more or less dealt with my jealousies and/or feelings of inadequacy.

I don't know what it is about the births....the excitement, the suspense, the beginning of a WHOLE NEW chapter....the births are just magical. And I guess that hearing about these births kind of makes me reflect on my own feelings when Alex was first born. The fear, the apprehension, the shock, the knowledge that nothing ever could happen to me again that would be bigger or more important. The amazing-ness.

And I'm just so darned scared that I will not get to experience the process of birth again, of adding a new life to our family. I am scared that I will never get to see Alex hold her brother or sister for the first time. That we will never decorate a nursery again or bring a baby into our house for the first time ever...knowing that our home (or our lives) will never be the same. I am SO grateful that we've had our baby, that we have Alex...but was that our only chance? Do we get to do it again...and hopefully not be so scared, so worried...that we get to enjoy the very beginning a little bit more?

And I think (er, hope) that we will enjoy those first few days more. With Alex, I felt so unsure of myself, so nervous that something would happen...that I was kind of just existing. Loved her more than life, but I don't think I stopped to smell the roses enough the first month or two of her life. I was too concerned with doing everything "right". This time, I will know how terrifying a crying baby can be-and I will breath a little bit easier through it. I will know that, even when the baby doesn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time at night-that it will get better and, yes, someday I will sleep again. I will know what to expect and be calmer. I will be able to take it in, to revel in those very early days...the fear will be there...but hopefully not quite so intoxicating. I will (hopefully) have more faith in myself, as a mother.

But what if I don't get that chance? And so this is what I think when I hear of a new baby being born. What if I've had my chance... and thank you God for giving us Alex, but what is going to happen next? Am a selfish for wanting another baby? And please, God, if another baby is not meant for us...can you please take away this desire to have another?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Things to Think About

Well I am sure that you all know the expression about judging a book by its cover? Of course you do. But isn't it interesting that, despite that very valid warning, we all do it? Some, of course, are better about it than others...but I think we all probably judge too quickly. Errrr...maybe not judge so much as make presumptions. This of course, can be applied to fertility. Heck-can't everything lately?  ;)

I got thinking about this lately because I have begun reading a blog. The woman is a mom of three kids. She's gorgeous, her husband is a stud (and I'm talking...they are both unnaturally good looking) and her kids are perfect (although so is Alex, lol). So I begin reading this blog--one of the few that I read--and probably the only one I read that is not fertility related. So I begin thinking..."man, this woman has THE life; three healthy kids, the first one was an 'oopsie'...she probably has NO IDEA what it's like to struggle and yearn and beg and plead for a bargain with God, etc".

I kept reading, despite my mindset that she has an easy fairy tale life. I kind of hated her. Just a little bit...but it was there. After reading it for awhile, it became apparent that this woman did not escape life unscathed. She openly admitted to having some huge, earth shattering issues in the past: bulimia, food addiction, drug and alcohol abuse. She hit rock bottom and almost didn't come out of it. She did...she survived....9 years clean and sober. What strength!

And the realization dawned on me--again (because I seem to forget this a lot)--that everyone has their story, their cross to bare. No one goes through life without heartbreak. No one goes through life without struggle. No one has it all, or has it all together. Unfortunately, I sometimes (ok, often) lose sight of the fact that I am not the only one going through tough stuff, that I am not the only one hurting. It's not all about me, apparently, lol. And just because someone has a gaggle of kids and is movie star beautiful, does not mean her life is a walk in the park. And there's always people worse off....

And then I think of myself and how I might look to others. Perhaps I am in the grocery store. What does someone see? A young (ish) woman who looks to be contentedly shopping with a healthy, adorable (if I say so myself) two year old. What might an infertile think? If it were me, pre-kids, I may have thought to myself "I hate you". You certainly can't look at me and know that I went through Clomid and injections and IUI's and two years of infertility.

I guess the point is...everyone goes through crap, and more people than you realize struggle to have babies. You aren't alone. If you are hurting, just know that zillions of others have been there, hurting too. And even if it's not the same struggle, we've all had times where getting out of bed is a daunting and daring task. But there's always an end to those times. They cannot go on forever. Persevere. On a side note--it's too bad we didn't have some sort of infertile badge to know, something subtle....

That blog, btw-is called Momastery (sp)...she's a fabulous writer :) Not only am I jealous of her un-PCOS ovaries-but of her writing as well. Check her out, it's a good read, even if she DID get preggo with an oopsie, lol.

Monday, January 16, 2012

My Baby Girl is Turning TWO!

Tomorrow, January 17th, Alexandra Eva is turning two (at 5:55 pm) <3

I can't describe how bittersweet this is for me. I think that I am feeling more sentimental about this birthday than her first birthday. She's not a baby any longer. Last year-at only 12 months-she was still so little, still such a baby. She was only just weaning off of bottles and formula...she was still crawling....only speaking a handful of words. My Alex was more a baby than a toddler at 12 months.

Now, I will no longer be keeping track of Alex's age in months. Now she's two. That's what I will tell people. Now she runs and climbs (everything) and has friends and makes projects at "school". Now, Alex talks all the time (3-5 word sentences, too), has a HUGE vocabulary that I can no longer keep track of, can sing almost all of her ABC's, knows colors and shapes and can count to seven pretty consistently. Now, she has an imagination and loves to pretend. She has a vibrant, sassy, strong personality and likes to test the boundaries. But she's such a sweetie...and such a good listener (mostly). She's a toddler yes...but she is so different from last year, from her last birthday....she's more of a "kid" now.

It's all going so fast. Two years. Where did that time go? It scares me that it has gone so quickly. I want to slow down/stop time....but I am so enjoying all the stages that I very much look forward to what the future has in store. Bittersweet, most definitely. I'm torn, without a doubt. I've been a mom for two years; and there was a time when I doubted that I would ever get the chance to be a mom.

Two year ago today, Dan and I were at the hospital. I was being induced. We had stopped the induction for the night but would resume it the next day. My doctor came in to see me and said that "One way or another, we'll have a baby tomorrow". That night, two years ago, I was actually probably more scared than anything. I had so longed to be a mother, had focused so much on getting pregnant and staying pregnant, that I never really thought about how life would completely change. In the hospital room that night, the night before we had our baby...I actually let myself imagine a life with a baby for the first time. I finally relaxed and let myself believe that we would have the baby....and that brought out all the fears that some women have at the start of their pregnancies.

So it was an amazing, exciting, scary, petrifying night, the night before I gave birth. I hope to God we get to do it all again.

Happy Birthday to my baby girl, Alexandra Eva <3 <3    My dream for her is to have a long. happy. healthy life. I don't care what she does...I just want her to be happy.

I took tomorrow off for her we get to go to her two year appointment and then will be off to have fun...meeting Noni for lunch and then going to the mall play place and bounce house. Should be a good day!!!

 The day I went into the hospital to begin induction

A few minutes old

 Proud daddy....holding an Alex only minutes old (still in the delivery room)

First day at home

Two years later <3

What the *Bleep* Was I thinking?

Seriously! What the heck was I thinking when I agreed to wait another month to begin treatments??? I must have been mentally impaired by an unknown source....undetected gas leak or something? Why did I think that I would be ok with this? That the month would go fast? That waiting a month wouldn't really matter in the scheme of things?

Holy heck...I must have been nuts! I.  am. going. crazy.  I seriously don't know what to do with myself. In my most "crazy" moments, I even think about just telling the doctor that I am only on day 3 or know, instead of day 10. I know, shameful. And I won't really....but man it's tempting! The craziness is reigning!

Now I know our reasons for waiting. But part of me now thinks that we were silly to wait another month. It's just another month of doing nothing and the chances of us getting pregnant that first month of treatments is fairly small anyway. Our reason for waiting-wanting to go to Australia to see Dan's grandmother and not being super pregnant-probably wouldn't have happened anyway.

I guess I'm just feeling kind of down at the moment. I'm sick of waiting. I like having a plan, I like taking action. Even if our first cycle wasn't successful, just knowing that we were taking action would help me feel better. I guess I'm just regretting our decision. This cycle can't end fast enough...

 All bundled up in several layers-poor kid, lol

 First time actually playing in snow. I know, I'm a bad mom that it took me so long to get her out there.


Ivan thought it was great fun to chase the sled!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Updates...Sort Of....

Well, unfortunately....we are in pretty much the same position as last month: waiting.

The plan was to go back to our specialist this month to begin treatments. That changed. Why, you ask? Because, last month I was hell bent on beginning treatments asap.

Basically....we got a phone call from Australia. Dan's mum was calling to tell us that his grandmother was doing pretty poorly. Basically, she has end stage kidney disease. She's 82. She's too weak for dialysis and is too weak for any type of surgical intervention. Basically, they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible and trying to control some of the kidney issues through diet (limiting protein and fat, etc). What it comes down to is that she doesn't have too long to go :( We'll be lucky if she makes it to next Christmas and making it to the summer of 2013 looks pretty unlikely (which is the only other time we'd be able to go out, except for this summer). Dan's parents aren't visiting us this year because they are too worried about being far from her--understandably so.

Ok...the point of all this is that if we began treatments right away and became pregnant right away (as unlikely as it may be), that would put me around 26 weeks when we go to Australia this summer. And we are now definitely sure we want to go, given the fact that Oma is so sick :( It will probably be our last time to see her, and for Alex to spend time with her. Anyway, I digress. I don't want to be traveling that late because if we stay a month, I  would be flying home at 30 weeks. That worries me a bit because the flight time is basically 24 hours AND I was diagnosed with mild pre-eclampsia with my last pregnancy at 34 weeks. I just want to be close to my doctor as I near 30 weeks...just in case. Plus, given my history-I don't know if my OB will even want me traveling that late in my pregnancy.

So...we are holding off. It was a very tough decision...but we feel very strongly that we NEED to get out there this summer (my only large amount of time off) to see Oma.

THE GOOD NEWS is....we are only waiting a month!!! So it's not too bad :) I mean, the waiting sucks, but a month shouldn't be too torturous. That way, just waiting a few weeks...I'd only be going over at 21-22 weeks preggo (again, if first time is a charm). I'd be that much smaller and more comfortable...and flying home at 25-26 weeks versus 30. That's a little more sane sounding to me! I do feel a little bit silly planning this around fertility treatments because, chances are the first cycle (and even the second, etc) won't be "our" lucky cycle. But...there's always a chance and we really want to make certain that we are out there this summer.....

Gah! Watch what happens now....with all this planning and changing of'll take me FOREVER to get pregnant!

So...I did finally get my period and I am now on cycle day six. Only a few weeks to go. Wonder if I'll get a BFP as a "reward" for being such an accommodating wife ;) But I'm telling you this...NO MORE WAITING after this month. I'm done!

 Visiting a local museum 

 Sweet playground!
Alex and I after sliding down a 2+ story slide!