Sunday, January 22, 2012

Another One Bites The Dust....

Some friends' of ours in Australia just had their first baby....gone are their relatively calm days and late nights and late mornings-hence the title of this post. They will be fantastic parents and she is a lucky little girl to have them (and vice versa). And of course, I am jealous...but I pretty much expect to feel that now for any sort of baby announcement, lol. It's not so bad really....just glad no one can read my mind!

Lately though, births have been bugging me more than pregnancy announcements. Which is kind of odd for me...because usually by the time the baby is actually coming out, I've more or less dealt with my jealousies and/or feelings of inadequacy.

I don't know what it is about the births....the excitement, the suspense, the beginning of a WHOLE NEW chapter....the births are just magical. And I guess that hearing about these births kind of makes me reflect on my own feelings when Alex was first born. The fear, the apprehension, the shock, the knowledge that nothing ever could happen to me again that would be bigger or more important. The amazing-ness.

And I'm just so darned scared that I will not get to experience the process of birth again, of adding a new life to our family. I am scared that I will never get to see Alex hold her brother or sister for the first time. That we will never decorate a nursery again or bring a baby into our house for the first time ever...knowing that our home (or our lives) will never be the same. I am SO grateful that we've had our baby, that we have Alex...but was that our only chance? Do we get to do it again...and hopefully not be so scared, so worried...that we get to enjoy the very beginning a little bit more?

And I think (er, hope) that we will enjoy those first few days more. With Alex, I felt so unsure of myself, so nervous that something would happen...that I was kind of just existing. Loved her more than life, but I don't think I stopped to smell the roses enough the first month or two of her life. I was too concerned with doing everything "right". This time, I will know how terrifying a crying baby can be-and I will breath a little bit easier through it. I will know that, even when the baby doesn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time at night-that it will get better and, yes, someday I will sleep again. I will know what to expect and be calmer. I will be able to take it in, to revel in those very early days...the fear will be there...but hopefully not quite so intoxicating. I will (hopefully) have more faith in myself, as a mother.

But what if I don't get that chance? And so this is what I think when I hear of a new baby being born. What if I've had my chance... and thank you God for giving us Alex, but what is going to happen next? Am a selfish for wanting another baby? And please, God, if another baby is not meant for us...can you please take away this desire to have another?

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