Monday, September 26, 2011

Appointment Change :)

So I received a call today from my fertility center. They had a cancellation for Tuesday, December 6 at 9am :) My original appointment was scheduled for the end of December-the 29th to be exact. So, of course, I took the new appointment. Yeah, it may only be three weeks and change earlier, but three weeks is three weeks. It's three weeks that I don't have to wait! I'll take it. And who knows? Maybe another cancellation will come up for even earlier. So as of appointment is 10 weeks from tomorrow! Seems like a long time, but we have soooo much going on this fall that I think the time will fly.

I'm also debating about our protocol. I had success with conceiving Alex on our first Gonal F and IUI cycle. I cannot go back to Clomid because of the side effects it gives me. Basically, I had vision changes while on it (one of the more serious-and rare-side effects) and was told that I can never go on it again. So that leaves injections/IUI or going straight to IVF.

I never before considered going straight to IVF, but my new insurance is fantastic and will pay for three IVF cycles. So in some ways, I'd like to just go for the big guns. But then, in other ways, I feel like I should begin with the most minimally invasive procedure, in our case-IUI.

I guess I'm also nervous about going right to IVF because it's like "what now?" if the IVF fails. It's kind of the "end all be all". I would be so nervous that the three cycles would not take and then we would be paying out of pocket. I guess I would just fear that it would feel like we were running out of options-whereas doing IUI first-I would know that we have IVF in our back pocket, if needs be. Make sense?

So it's oh so very tempting to just start with IVF, but I don't know that it is the wisest decision. We'll probably stick to the original plan of injections with IUI. Either way-Thank God for this technology! Thank God that I even have a choice amongst which procedures to start with. Twenty-five years ago, I wouldn't have been as lucky.

 This is how she likes going down the slide

 She got braver and tried the bigger, covered slide

And finally...Alex got really brave and went down the spiral big kid slide. Look at her long 19 month legs ;p She doesn't take after me, that's for sure!

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Phewww! I feel like I haven't had time to blog in forever! It has been a seriously crazy few weeks and I feel as though I haven't stopped.

Good news: Alexandra LOVES her daycare now...thank God....because I had a serious case of mommy guilt going on! She still gets a little teary eyed at drop-off, but I think she's just that kid who doesn't like to see mommy or daddy leaving. Within about 1-2 minutes, she's smiling and running around with the other kids. I am so relieved!

Dan and I are very happy with them as well.  They do a ton of projects with the kids. They do art projects everyday, go out to the playground several times, have song time, circle time, story time and also do a lot of sensory and motor activities. Annnndddddd....Alex started gymnastics too! There is a gymnastics place right next door to the daycare and (for an extra fee of course) the children who were signed up by their parents go every week to do gymnastics. The teachers took pictures, so I have some pictures of Alex learning to do somersaults and flips (fully aided of course). I just think it's so cool, how her world is expanding. I would have never gotten her involved in gymnastics at such a young age, but the situation presented itself. So yes, things are settling down and we are all settling into our routine for this school year.

Of course, the downside to daycare is that Alex has been sick for about a week now. She has a cold and ear infections. But, I was prepared for this. I knew the first year, health wise, would be rough. Here's to hoping we get a lot of this stuff out the way now and that she will be in tip top shape (and immune to all sorts of things) by the time kindergarten hits.

In fertility news: nothing much has changed. I still have the December appointment, but am very much hoping to get in earlier via the cancellation list. I've *more or less* made peace with the fact that we need to wait a few months to get an appointment. It's not ideal. It's super frustrating. But there's nothing I can do to change it. As mentioned, I'm on the cancellation list, so there is always hope to get in before December. Of course Dan and I are still "trying" on our own ;) I took an hpt two days ago and it was negative. I am pretty much resigned to seeing a negative test. I figure I won't start crying over them until I am doing treatments. But that hasn't stopped me from pulling it out of the trash a few times to *really* make sure there isn't a second line. I may test again in a few days...

Right now, I'm just trying not to focus on wanting to be pregnant. I'm focusing on fall, decorating for Halloween, spending QT with Dan and Alex, work, and losing some weight before my December appointment. My good friend is teaching Zumba at work after work, so I'll be starting that soon. It is a kick a$$ work out! Other than that, I am in another good friend's wedding in October, so that is keeping me busy too. We have the bachelorette wine tour and bbq next weekend, then we have some planning and her wedding is at the end of the month. So hopefully all of this will keep me busy and I will get a call from my clinic sooner rather than later! The pictures below are from our friends'
Erica and Mike's son's third birthday party. It was held at a cute little kids' farm.

 Sliding is pretty much Alex's favorite thing to do!

 Daddy showing her how to change gears!

 Train ride

 Alex and I

 A huge bouncy pillow!

 Giant spider web

Long day! She almost fell asleep on the hay ride

New Tattoo

It was a little bit of an impulse decision. I've been thinking about getting one with Alexandra's name for awhile, but nothing too serious as far as planning/decision making goes. Well then fate/coincidence (what have you) intervened and a few of my friends from work were going to get tattoos. They invited me. And after some hemming and hawing (And friendly cajoling on their parts), I decided it was as good a time as any to get one.

I knew I wanted Alex's name, but then after thinking about her and my infertility struggle and how hard it was just *getting* her, I decided I wanted something with added meaning. I chose a dandelion (the dandelion once it has gone all white and fluffy-seeded dandelion I guess you call it) with its seeds blowing away, and her name carried on the seeds. Why you ask? Because when I was trying to get pregnant I would make wishes an **everything** and anything that I would have one healthy baby. I wished on stars, dandelions, rainbows, I wished when cutting a cake, when seeing a sunset. You get the point. Anyway-thus the meaning behind the dandelion for me.

So here's a pic. Hurt like a $%*#%^. I have one on my back which did not hurt at all. I was silly to think that on the bony foot, it wouldn't hurt either. Glad my friends were with me...even more glad for the martinis we ordered after our appointments! The tattoo is still healing, so pardon the scabbing :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Tough Week...

It has been a tough, emotionally draining week for a few reasons.

1. Alex's first time at daycare. She is having difficulty adjusting, which I expected. She is a shy child to begin with, so I knew it would be difficult. I just didn't understand how hard it would be on me to see her having so much trouble :( It really is just like a weight on my chest, in my heart. She cries at drop-off and then cries off and on during the day. I hate knowing that. The only thing that is keeping me going is that she does have fun at times and does a lot of stuff (sock puppets, coloring, painting, story time, circle time, playtime on the play ground). I know it's good for her to be socializing and having her own relationships. I just hate this adjustment period. I *hate* that I can't make everything "right" in her world instantly. It's frustrating because I don't know if this is a "normal"/healthy adjustment period, or if it should be going easier? We've decided to give it to the end of the month before we reevaluate the situation. I don't want to pull her out if this is a normal transition period because there is so much there that will be good for her. I feel powerless though. And I just carry that stress around.

2. Trauma response back at work. We lost two little kids over the summer-both unexpected and heart breaking situations. I've been doing a lot of grief/trauma counseling of both the staff and the students. It takes its toll, emotionally.

3. I called my fertility center. Supposed to be good news, right? Well, not so much :( I was told last year, at my consultation, that I could call anytime that I wanted to come back (since I had my consultation and HSG). The nurse practitioner assured me that I didn't need to come back within a certain amount of time. I even emailed her to make sure last spring. We are definitely ready to go back now: we saved money for an extended maternity leave, I got extra time off by saving up my sick days. We are so much more ready than we were last year at my consultation. Anyway, to make a long story short, that nurse is no longer working at the center and they informed me that because I have not been back in a year, we need to do ANOTHER consultation. And while that's not a problem, they are booking out new consultations in December! :( :( I explained my situation to them (how I am a previous patient, what the former nurse said, etc) and they were very nice. Told me that they would certainly put me on a cancellation list, but the earliest that could do was December. I'm just so disappointed. And after the week I've had, I would have liked some good news-something imminent to look forward to.

So that is my tale of woe. Please pray/send good vibes/keep your fingers crossed for Alex. That's my biggest worry right now...that she adjust quickly and be happy.

 Alex's first day of daycare

 Introducing Alex to her frog potty. We are only just beginning to think of potty training.

 Alex decided it was much more fun to dissemble the potty

 Walking around with it is fun too. Glad there were no deposits yet!

Monday, September 5, 2011

It Comes Around Every Year...

Back to school season. I'm half anticipating it and half dreading it. Today is my last day of summer vacation. Tomorrow, our routine completely changes and I go back to work....and Alexandra goes to daycare for the first time. I'm excited for her. Excited for her to make friends and learn so many new things (it's more like a preschool program than a daycare). I'm excited for her to learn to share and solve problems and be part of a group. I'm excited for her to have some independence from us. It's exciting to think about her world changing...and opening up. Starting tomorrow, her world will get that much bigger and more diverse.

So yes, exciting stuff...but she's still my baby. I still worry about her and think no one can take care of her like us. I dread dropping her off and and leaving her, knowing that she will probably be confused and scared. I hope she understands, even if she is scared, that I will be back. There will be a lot of tears in the morning, on both our parts :( Heck, I'll probably start tonight!

But I think that we are doing the right thing. I feel that Alex would have been bored at home for another school year, with just the sitter to entertain her. She needs to be with peers, she needs to be challenged and stimulated on a different level. It was a difficult decision, to enroll her in the daycare program. I just hope that Alex comes to love it after the initial transition period.

And I have mixed feelings about going back to work. In a lot of ways I love my job. I like working with the kids, I love my colleagues-well most of them. I feel challenged and fulfilled. But I 'aint gonna lie: kids are coming from more and more difficult backgrounds. I never know who I will get in my office at the start of the year. It's a little unsettling, staring into the unknown. But I know I am lucky. I have a good job, a stable job. I have a job that allows me to virtually work half the year (182 days) and one that allows me to be home by four. That does leave me a lot of time with Alex, comparatively speaking. A lot of people don't have that...

Anyway, wish us luck. My main concern is that Alex is ok and thriving. This momma probably won't sleep that well tonight :/

P.S. I am hoping to call the fertility specialist this week and get a plan as to when I can begin medicated cycles-wooooohhhooooooo!

 Chilling with her "diggie" (who is also under the table) and watching some cartoons

 Labor Day weekend up at camp...loving the hammock

Watermelon-a favorite in our house!