Monday, December 31, 2012

2012.

2012....It was the *best* of times....and the *worst* of times.

That really sums up 2012 for us. It was definitely a mixed bag. We started our IVF cycle in 2012-which failed and also made me very sick. We lost Dan's grandfather (Opsie) and my best friend's father died very unexpectedly on Saturday. I knew him since I was eight. He was a wonderful man, a spectacular father and always showed such patience and kindness...even when he was carting a bunch of 16 year old's to the mall or the movies. I had my kidney stone and massive kidney infection that landed me in the hospital with sepsis and delayed our IF treatment for several months. My husband's cousin had a tubing accident and is now in a medicated coma with a TBI :( My family, friends and I have also lost several acquaintances this year. I just seems like there was a lot of bad news to go around.

But then....there was some spectacular stuff that happened too. Dan and I bought a beautiful house. We had our summer trip to Australia....we got pregnant on a frozen cycle that NO ONE really thought would take. We had our anatomy scan and, so far (knock on wood) baby girl is healthy and all looks good. Alex is growing into a beautiful, smart, funny, precocious, amazing older toddler. She gives us such joy. Every day. And she makes every year amazing. We look forward to seeing her with her sister in 2013.

So yes. It was a tough year. At some points, a grueling year. An amazing year too. It's what Glennon Melton (blogger) would call "Brutiful". Which is a mix of brutal and beautiful. How apt is that??? Brutiful. Definitely.

So here's to 2013. I hope that we have a healthy baby girl in about 3 1/2-4 months.  But most importantly of all, I wish for health, safety and togetherness for our family of (soon-to-be) four.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

It's A......

GIRRRRRRLLLLLLL!

Another itty bitty baby girl. I. Am. Thrilled!

Seriously, I didn't care either way, all that much, but like 51% of me wanted another little girl while it was like 49% for a boy.

It would be cool to have both genders, but I love the idea of having sisters. Girls having each other their whole life. There's something extra special about that <3 p="p">
And the best part is....the anatomy scan was all perfectly normal. Her organs looked great, she was right on, growth-wise, her cord looked great, my cervix looked good. Everything is as it should be (knock on wood because I'm still paranoid and superstitious). And my integrated screening (looking for things like Down's, Trisomy 18 and neural defects) came back negative too...

Basically, my OB said, "Yeah, things look good....not even much worth commenting on".

LOL-when doctors don't have anything to comment on, that's usually a good sign ;)

Until yesterday, I really had no idea how much I was holding my breath on this whole pregnancy. I guess, this whole time, I was so worried because of it being a frozen embryo (fair grade no less) and starting off so rocky. I was just so worried something was wrong. Having the big anatomy scan really opened my eyes up to the fact that I was withholding a part of myself, emotionally, to prevent myself from getting hurt. Now I just feel so much more....attached. I feel like she's a real person now. I'm even talking to her ("chastising" her for making mommy so sick still, even at 20 weeks, lol).

I know that there is never any guarantees with pregnancy or anything else. So I'm going to keep praying for the health and safe delivery of this baby. I take nothing for granted. Thank you God, so very much <3 adulthood="adulthood" and="and" are="are" babies="babies" beyond.....because="beyond.....because" both="both" can="can" dan="dan" healthy="healthy" i="i" in="in" into="into" keep="keep" life.="life." matter="matter" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" of="of" only="only" our="our" p="p" please="please" raise="raise" really="really" safe="safe" so="so" that="that" the="the" things="things" this="this" those="those" we="we">

Her shirt says, "I'm the big sister"




Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It's A Coming....

My anatomy scan is Friday at 1pm. Gulp. Exciting, right? Yes, of course it's exciting. But also nerve wracking. This is THEE big scan. This one looks at the baby's brain, face, limbs, kidneys, heart-you get the drift. Basically, it looks at all parts necessary for life. So I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm apprehensive. I can't wait. I haven't seen my baby since eleven weeks. I will be 20 weeks on Sunday.

Way less importantly than the baby's hopefully normal growth and development, I'm hoping we can find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I don't really care *that* much what we have (although I do have a slight preference), I just want. to. know. So I can stop referring to s/he as "it".

Please send us good vibes and well wishes. We just want a healthy baby <3 br="br">

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Getting Up There

Holy heck....I haven't been on in for-evah. At least if feels that way, going from blogging everyday during my treatments, to once a month now. I've been a slack ass. BUT-also really busy. Dan's parents are visiting us from Australia and have been here about 2 1/2 weeks, and will be here another two weeks or so. So yeah, that's kind of eaten up my free time. Things have been going well; but I will admit that every now and then I crave my orderly, neat house--and my "alone" time. BUT-Alex is loving having her Nana and Deda around, and it's nice to see her eating up all the attention. Oh yeah, and it's nice that I can sleep in as late as I want now, because I know Nana is there to take care of things. So their visit comes with definite perks for me ;)

On the baby front--I will be 17 weeks tomorrow :0 So we are getting there--getting to the almost half way mark. Our anatomy scan (i.e. the "big" scan) is set for Friday, December 14th in the afternoon. I'm having more girl vibes now than boy vibes--which, if you remember in the beginning-is different because I was SO sure that we were having a boy. My friend, Jill, did the needle test also--and it said girl. Now, I'm not one to believe in those silly tests, but I will say this.....the needle has been correct 14/14 times so far for various people. And it's always done before the scan, so no one can manipulate the outcome. Crazy odds, right???!!!

I really don't care what we are having...there's pros and cons to both....but I just.want.to. know. But more than that, I just want to know that s/he has one head, two eyes, two ears and organs that are in the right place and working. That's it. Any gender sighting is icing on the cake.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Happy November!!!!

Yayyyyy--November 1st. Another month closer to my May 5th due date :) Oy, it seems like so long to go though. Although, if this baby takes after his/her sister, s/he will be coming in April. I wouldn't mind that so much, as long as it wasn't before 37 weeks.

Anyway-I'm 13.5 weeks, will be 14 on Sunday. I'm not really showing yet to most people, but can see a difference in myself. To most people, it would just look like I'm extra fluffy. The nausea is mostly gone now, though it does come back randomly whenever I think I am in the clear. I definitely feel my ligaments stretching, which can be a bit achy at times. My fatigue also seems to be lessening. Annnnddddd....my mood seems to be leveling out now. I went through a rough, hormonal stretch for a little while. I think it was partly due to the normal pregnancy hormones, partly due to being sick so much, and partly due to the fact that I had to change a medication to one that is safe for pregnancy--and unfortunately, a common side effect is change in mood. Honestly, it really freaked me out because I'm normally pretty level. It was akin to being on 150 mg of Clomid for the last three months (Clomid made me cranky)! Keeping my fingers crossed that I am over that hurdle.

We're getting pretty excited about this baby. I think, for awhile, I didn't allow myself to really get invested because it was such a rocky start with low numbers and spotting. I kind of steeled myself without even really realizing it. But I definitely feel myself getting attached to the little bub, which is scary because whenever you love anything, you open yourself up to the potential for hurt. I know that things can always go wrong, even after the first trimester. But it's just a risk that one has to accept and pray that they don't have to deal with. And I pray that this little one arrives safe, healthy and strong. Going through infertility, through one early miscarriage, you don't take anything for granted. But it sure as heck makes you eternally grateful too.

On a lighter note....my best friend since second grade--so what--like 25 years??? She got married a year ago and just found out last week that she is pregnant! She should be about five weeks :) Which means, if everything goes well with both pregnancies, our babies will only be two months apart. That would be so awesome. I'm hoping that we get to experience pregnancy together--it would kind of add a new element to our friendship <3 p="p">
Alex loooovvvvvvvveeeed trick-or-treating yesterday. She was the most adorable little lady bug, if you ask me, and really got into the Halloween spirit. Two-three is such a fun age!

 After carving pumpkins

Ready to go trick or treating!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The LAST Week

Well here I am....twelve weeks. The last week of my first trimester. And I'm not going to lie. It. Has. Dragged. Seriously, it feels like I have been pregnant forever, without the huge baby basketball.

I went for my first visit with my normal OB last Thursday. It went well, except that he wants me to see a perinatologist. So yeah. That was kind of deflating. Apparently, they have someone contracted to come to the office two days out of the month. And why do *I* get to go? Because on my history form, I noted that Dan's first cousin has Noonan's Syndrome. It's basically a genetic syndrome that has a cluster of signs such as Dwarfism, mild mental retardation, heart issues, etc. No one has really ever heard of NS, but it's fairly prevalent--almost as prevalent at Down's. Basically, my doctor is very cautious (which is good) and wants me to see the Peri for some genetic counseling. Kind of covering all bases. At this point, there is nothing pointing to an issue and everything on the u/s looks good....so I think it's kind of just a safe guard (knock on wood). Still kind of disconcerting to see a Peri though. I'm hoping it is only one time. BUT--I do appreciate my doctor looking out for me and wanting to make sure that there are no surprises. He is thorough. Much more so than my last ob/gyn.

Anyway, I had my NT scan on Thursday and we saw our little bub waving his/her hands and kicking. At one point s/he took a big kick against the side of the sac and went flying across the sac to the other side. Was very cute. His/her nuchal fold measured in at 1.2, which is within normal limits. For those who don't know, measuring this fold along with taking bloods can give you a risk assessment (high or low) as to whether your baby might have a genetic issue such as Down's, Trisomy 18 or spinal issues. So it's good that the baby has a normal fold. It's also a good time to get a longer, more detailed u/s. It's amazing how, at only 12 weeks, the baby looks so **human** like and not so reptilian anymore, lol.

As for me...how am I doing? I'll admit, this pregnancy has been tough. I've been a lot sicker this time around, a lot more tired (probably from having a 2.5 year old too) and my mood has been up and down. Which sucks. I've been so full of hormones from the estrogen pills and the progesterone (which I'm still on), not to mention pregnancy hormones--that I don't know if I am coming or going half the time. I don't really mind the physical symptoms so much (hell, I'm down nine pounds from before I was pregnant), but the up and down emotions are exhausting. I don't really know what to do with them, as I am typically fairly even keeled. So I'm taking it a day at a time. And keeping myself busy. Which isn't so difficult.

I think the guilt is also beginning to settle in. I'm worried about how Alex will feel when this baby arrives. I know I will love the baby and don't worry about that, but I can't stop thinking about how Alex might feel. Will she feel rejected/dejected because she won't be the absolute center of everything? I know, in my heart, that this is a good thing for her, but I'm kind of nervous about how things will change. I just want Alex to always know how much she is loved and that nothing--no one--will ever change that. Bah! Now I'm tearing up again. Dang hormones!

 It has owls! I just couldn't resist <3 p="p">

Look...it's a baby! 11 weeks, 4 days here. Active little one too. Amazing that this was the frozen embryo that gave me an hcg level of 25.5 at 15dpo. We've come a long way....


Thursday, October 4, 2012

A Milestone...

Had the 9 week scan on Tuesday and it all went well :) Baby is beginning to look like a baby now with a discernible head and trunk. We also saw little arms and legs now and our little one was waving his/her arms all over the place. The nurse commented that s/he was "moving like crazy". Heart beat was great, too, at 174 bpm :) Very very similar to Alex's heart beat at this stage. Hmmmm...another girl???? I'd LOOOOVVVVEEEE another girl because Alex is so darn fun. And I love the relationship that girls can have with their moms when they are older. And I'd love for Alex to have a sister. Even if she doesn't appreciate it ALL the time when she's younger, I'm hoping that they will be close as adults. My sister and I get along well now that we are older. But she lives 2 1/2 hours away. That kind of makes it tough to be really close. I hope that Alex is close with her sibling.

But a boy would be cool too. Having one of each, knowing what it's like to raise both genders....there is something special in that as well. So I guess it's a win-win situation either way. But I just can't imagine myself having a boy. Not that I don't want one....it's just something I could never imagine. Probably because I have one girl and because it was just my sister and I. I feel like I have soooooo long to wait in order to find out. But really, just as long as everything looks ok, I don't care. Win-win no matter what, as long as everything is ok.

Anyway, getting back to my appointment...baby was measuring 3-4 days behind, which appears to be par for the course with this little one. The nurse did not seem concerned at all, as it was within the u/s margin of error anyway. I still am a little bit worried-but I'm a worrier by nature-about some things anyway. Things like this. I find pregnancy to be super stressful and anxiety provoking. I just do. I don't like *not* knowing what is going on in there. I find myself to be much more relaxed when the baby is actually out and I have control over more of what is going on. So I need to work through this.

I graduated, by the way :) My fertility specialist has released me to go back to my regular OB/GYN. I was expecting it, but talk about bitter sweet. One of the receptionists gave me a big hug when I was leaving. I told one NP that, if all goes well, I look forward to never *ever* having to go back there again, lol.

My next appointment will be when I'm almost 12 weeks with my normal doctor on the 18th. We will begin with an ultrasound because we are doing the first trimester integrated screening. That's where the measure the fold on the back of the baby's neck. Dan will get to come with me to that appointment and he will get to see the little bub for the first time. Poor guy has just seen pictures and videos, as he can't come because he is getting Alex ready for daycare. So that's about it for now :) I'm keeping everything crossed that things keep going well <3 anything="anything" for="for" granted....="granted...." not="not" p="p" taking="taking">
Baby C at 9 weeks 2 days. The head is on the right.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

8 Week Scan

8 weeks, 2 days to be exact. Because once again, I want credit for every nanosecond that I have been pregnant.

Anyway--I hesitate to say this for fear of cursing myself--but things are looking good (knock on wood)!

Instead of five days behind, the little guy has caught up and is now only 3 days behind! And the heart beat was a strong, healthy and LOUD 170 bpm. God, the sound of the heart beat is so darn exhilarating!

So I go back next Tuesday for another scan and if things are still going well, I will be released to my normal ob/gyn. I have mixed feelings about this. It's tough going back to a normal OB because you simply don't get the attention you do at a fertility clinic. No more weekly scans, etc etc. It's hard to go from seeing your baby every week to maybe once every two months. But....it is a milestone. So that's how I will look at it.

Oh, and I'm not so convinced that he is actually a he. I'm losing the feeling. Which is weird because I was **so** sure. Hopefully I can convince my friend to sneak me in for an early anatomy scan in about 8 weeks :)

That's all for now....

Monday, September 24, 2012

8 Weeks

Yesterday...8 weeks yesterday. Holy cow this first trimester is crawling. I mean, seriously! I was supposed to have an ultrasound this Thursday, but had to move it up to tomorrow because Dan is going out of town and I won't have anyone to get Alex to daycare. And tomorrow is the only day that I could get a relatively early time.

Hoping for more growth, and a good heartbeat. I'm a little worried because I haven't been as nauseous lately--but then again--I was pretty much never nauseous with Alex. So it just might be one of those things. We will see. 7:30 tomorrow.

We had a great weekend though :) Friday, we converted Alex's toddler bed to an actual big girl bed and ordered out fantastic Chinese. Oh, and Alex seriously digs her bed. Saturday, I had dinner with some friends-and was outed by one when she zeroed in on the fact that I wasn't drinking. Seriously?! Am I that much of a lush, lol? We also watched Snow White and the Huntsman that night in the movie room. Awesome graphics, but kind of predictable. I don't care, it was good.

Sunday we went apple picking and I made homemade applesauce. Alex almost lost her mind with excitement. She got to ride a hay ride, get her face painted, picked apples, had orange ice cream (don't ask) and got to pet goats. She was in heaven, I tell ya. That's all for now. I'll update tomorrow, of course.

 Lovin' my new big girl bed

 Apple picking, of course






Saturday, September 22, 2012

Ultrasound Update

Well, my little guy is hanging in there :) S/he was still measuring 5 days behind, but had grown roughly 3mm in 3 days, which is what they like to see. Also, the heart beat has gone up from 128 to 158 :) That makes me VERY happy :) Alex's heart beat was always between 160 and 170.

So the nurse, the same one from the other day with the scintillating personality (not) said that this guy may just be a "late bloomer" because of the FET and because of my obviously late implantation. I mean--hello!--a beta of only 25 at 9dp5dt??? Roughly equivalent to 15dpo. Yeah, definitely a late implanter.

The nurse said, "Well, I'm feeling much better about things today than I was three days ago". Now would this inspire confidence in you? Kind of-but not really. It means that she thought things sucked three days ago, but that they could be ok now. So I have mixed feelings about things.

But as a friend pointed out--this baby has been consistently behind. And especially with the FET and late implantation, s/he may be "right on" where they should actually be. The nurse also said, "Well it's not like you're that far behind". She said this to me in kind of a scolding manner when she could see I was worried. Because that's a good way to handle a hormonal, finally pregnant, infertile. Yeah. Not. Impressed.

So anyway...there's a little bit of blood in my uterus, but it is not coming from the sac, the placenta and is no where near the baby. Nurse Ratchet seems to think that it is coming from irritation on my cervix from the (surprise surprise) Crinone gel. Not altogether shocking as I keep having the clumpy gel discharge that is tinted with brown. Which is G-ross. Nursey did not think it was anything to worry about. SO instead of Googgling and working myself up per the usual, I'm taking this at face value and actually trusting the say-so of a medical professional. Even though she is probably younger and certainly bitchier, than me.

I have my next u/s on Thursday. It seems so far away. I hope my little guy keeps growing. I was able to hear his/her heart beat again and it sounded **so** strong and so solid. So healthy. I hope s/he is. I really do. Even if s/he is still 5 days behind, I'll be ok with it. Just means that it's consistent but still growing appropriately.

Eight weeks tomorrow. Hard to believe that I found out at only 3 weeks 5 days. I feel like I've already known/been pregnant forever. I thought the second pregnancy was supposed to go faster????

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Limbo Part Deux.

And to think that, with my promising 6 week scan, I thought I was somewhat out of limbo. Bahahahahaha. Joke's on me.

So as you can see from my somewhat bitter opening, my 7w, 2d scan did not go *as well* as I would have liked. Not all bad. But not great either. *sigh*

First the good: Baby's heart beat was 117 last week and is now up to 128-130...which is completely normal for this gestation **and** for what I am measuring. We were able to see the heartbeat--and HEAR it. Which, I gotta say, is way more amazing. I mean, how much more tangible proof do you need that there's something, a little parasite, growing in you???? I love love love hearing the hb. And I remember, when delivering Alex, I wanted to see her of course, but what I really wanted was to *hear* that cry for the first time. Guess I'm audiologically fixated. I dunno. So anyway-that was freakin' saweeet.

The not so great.  Baby was measuring 5 days behind. So instead of 7w2d, s/he was measuring 6w, 4d. Now I know that baby's very rarely ever measure completely on target. During my early pregnancy with Alex, she was generally between 1-3 days behind, but sometimes would also be completely accurate or a day ahead. It depends on the person measuring, the angle the baby is at, the equipment, etc etc etc. BUT...I don't remember her ever measuring 5 days behind. So yeah, it kind of freaks me out.

There *has* been growth since last week, because at 6w3d, I was measuring 6 weeks even. Again, 3 days off--no biggie. The nurse wasn't concerned in the slightest. Plus, I know for a fact that this little guy was a late implanter and that FET babies are slow to warm up. So I was ok with three days. But five. Really??? The nurse-who is kind of a cranky beast (terribly blunt, doesn't have the best bedside manner--great combo for working at a fertility clinic with hormonal women) was all like "Well...it could go either way...but I'm not terribly concerned at this stage....there's a pretty major margin of error with early scans....but it's just too early to tell". I asked this nurse to be straight with me and tell me what she thought, and she said she didn't have a feeling about the outcome one way or the other. So there you go. More limbo.

Now me, being a Google whore, looked up all sorts of data and it appears that there is a huge margin of error with early u/s and that anything within a week of the actual gestation is considered normal. Plus, I had two different techs measuring me (which could account for the difference), plus the baby was definitely in a different position this time. Last week, s/he was kind of just chilling, floating around and hanging straight down. This week, he or she was curled a bit around the yolk sac. So perhaps that accounts for some difference. Gah! All the unknowns! Will I ever stop worrying about this child???

So there you have it. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what to think. I called my good friend who happens to be an u/s tech at one of the local hospitals (who incidentally did my early anatomy scan for Alex and was able to tell us her gender) and she really felt the measurement was no big deal at all. I don't think she was blowing smoke up my ass. We don't have that type of friendship. My other friend, my bff, is a labor and delivery nurse who has seen countless u/s...she didn't think it was a big deal either. I hope that are right....

I go for another u/s tomorrow morning. 7:15. I just want an answer. In the end, I want a healthy baby. I would rather have a healthy baby *later* than a sick baby *now*.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Pic. And Telling the Boss.

So here's a pic of our little guy from yesterday at 6w 3d :) Here's to hoping that s/he grows bigger and stronger next week:



So I told all three of my bosses about my pregnancy. Mostly because if we have any kids with significant behavioral issues, I don't want to get involved in having to do any therapeutic restraints. Noooooo thank you. Not while pregnant. You never know when you'll get a knee to the stomach. So anyway-I kind of felt like I had to keep my bosses in the loop.

They were all good and excited and all that stuff. But my one boss knows of my fertility issues. So I was telling her about the whole IVF process. Why, oh why, did I go there? To a layman...it sounds like crazy science fiction.

The conversation kind of went like this:

Boss: "Wait...you had 21 eggs!!! Oh My Gawd. You could have been like that Octomom"
Me: Well, human reproduction is wasteful, so I only had three eggs survive
Boss: What? Three out of 21? That doesn't sounds so good. Why did only three survive?
Me: Yeah. I don't really know ((in my head: I have PCOS and that can make crappy eggs))
Boss: You know, Mrs. X (insert name of parent of child who goes to our school) tried and tried and tried to get pregnant for years. Then she adopted her boys and got pregnant right away!
Me: ((Barf)) What I actually said: "funny how things work"...

So then I told her about IVF and the FET:
Boss: Wait....like the egg and sperm were put together in a test tube? That's just amazing. Do they have to shake the tube up or let them get together on their own?
Me: Ummmm? (me now *thinking* that she is joking and seriously regretting the conversation in the first place).
Boss: How weird will it be to look at your baby and realize that they were frozen at some point? I wonder what that will be like....

Yeah, I'm not kidding. This isn't verbatim, but you get the picture. Why oh why did I go there???? Lesson learned. I am now a side show for my boss.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Houston, We Have a Heartbeat!

Wow, that title was a way lame, overused cliche. Sorry. After a brief spotting scare (thank you Crinone gel) I got to see my little guy today. Pretty much, I begged my clinic to let me in because I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on anything else today, after seeing a bit of pink blood on the TP this morning. It wasn't a lot. It really couldn't even be called spotting. But it was enough to freak my shit out. So...apparently, you're supposed to clean yourself out when you're on Crinone gel...or it can cause irritation. Hmmmm....that's probably something that someone should have mentioned to me along the way. Like, "here's your prescriptions, here's your next appointment....and don't forget to clean that shit out of you when you're in the shower next time". I'll let it slide though.

Anyway. I'm 6 weeks, 3 days today. Is it only the infertiles who know the exact, precise length of time that they have been pregnant???? Because I'm pretty sure a "normal" person would just say that they are "six weeks pregnant". But hell no, not me. I want credit for those three extra days, damn it!

So the little guy has played a lot of catch up since last week. S/he is now measuring on track for crown-rump measurements. In fact, s/he is the size today, that my whole gestational sac was last week! Talk about a growth spurt! We saw everything....sac (of course), yolk sac and baby....and the heartbeat.

I saw that little flickering immediately. I didn't think that it would be so amazing the second time around. I mean, c'mon, been there done that...but damn. It was spectacular. Seeing that little heart beating was like going through it all for the first time again. It felt the same way. If not more spectacular because I truly never believed that I would see this baby's heart beat. And it was a strong heartbeat- 115.5 bpm, which my favorite nurse (love her) said was great for my gestation and for the baby's crown-rump length.

She could find no evidence of bleeding in my uterus, no clots or subchorionic hematomas (sp!), no free blood in there at all. I haven't had any spotting issues since that one scary wipe at 5am.

Now that I've seen the heart beat, I'm in it. I'm attached. This is our baby. I'm going to keep pushing for him/her. And God willing, we will be holding a healthy baby in 7 1/2 months time <3>

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Either Way...

Either way it's gonna hurt if I have a miscarriage. Whether I allow myself to get excited about this pregnancy or not. I really don't think there's any "protecting myself". That kind of passed a week or so ago. The longer this pregnancy goes on (and of course my ultimate hope is that it goes on for another 30+ weeks), the more attached I get. Which is kind of scary. Because I know how things can go wrong. But will it hurt any less if I keep continuously reminding myself that it is early and that anything can happen? Probably not.

So like with Alex's pregnancy, I have made the decision to celebrate the life growing within me. Whether he makes it to full-fledge baby-hood or not. It's still something to celebrate. Any life is. I'm not going to worry about the hurt or pain or the what if's. Ok....at least I'll *try* not to. Because why? Who the heck knows what will happen??? And am I just going to let myself be paranoid for the next 30+ weeks? Am I going to keep self-inflicting this worry on myself? That seems to be insanity to me.

So I'll be six weeks tomorrow :) I still have the very, very persistent thought that this baby is a boy. I mean, I'm like 90% sure. Which is odd. Because I really don't believe people can have "feelings" about this stuff. But I don't know. I just don't picture a girl. Definitely a boy. And I'd really love another girl....but I'm just not feeling it with this pregnancy. With Alex--I had no feeling one way or another. Weird.

And I feel pregnant. I have the same full feeling in my uterus that I had with Alex. I'm way more nauseous this time around too. So I'm welcoming these feelings and leaving it up to the universe in regard to what happens. Which really takes the load off, to be honest.

I saw THEE. MOST. ADORABLE onsies at The Children's Place Yesterday. Onsies for boys. OMG--was I tempted to buy one. BUT-while I am embracing this pregnancy and celebrating it-I am still a bit of a nut case about jinxing myself. So we'll save that for later.

 First day of "school" for 2012/2013

 Aunty Colleen bought Alex her own tool set--and she's totally down with it!

Love her!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The transvag.

And we have a gestational sac :) And it's not even in the fallopian tube-score! The sac was pretty gosh darn small, smaller than Alex's was at my 5 week u/s with her, but my HCG levels with her were also significantly higher by this point. So makes sense, I guess. The nurse even felt pretty sure that she saw a yolk sac too-which I totally did not expect at all-but is an extremely cool bonus.

The nurse seemed pretty positive about everything and actually warned me prior to the scan that we might not see a thing. So when we saw the gestational sac and the presumed yolk sac, she was happy and said she didn't really expect any better from an u/s at this gestation.

So we are not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination....but he's hanging in there and has gotten A LOT further than my two "really good" quality day three embryos. Can't always judge a book by its cover. So for now, I will proceed with cautious optimism.

My HCG level today was a 776, which means that my levels have been doubling every 41 hours. Not too shabby. Progesterone went up to 10 again--which apparently is good for a FET, as your ovaries don't make any progesterone as they would in a stimulated cycle.

I'm actually pretty shocked to have even been lucky enough to see anything on the u/s, as most references say that you can't see anything until your levels reach 1000-1500. So for now, we relax a little. We enjoy the here and now and celebrate the moment. If something bad happens, we deal with it later.  

I've debated about posting our u/s picture, but I don't think I will. It's kind of anti-climatic, really (for everyone else). Not much more than a little speck. Here's to hoping the little guy gets some growing on....


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

6:45am, transvaginal ultrasound.

The day of reckoning is here...obstetrical ultrasound #1 (hopefully 1 out of many more to come) is tomorrow at 6:45am. Yep, just me, the wand and a couple random nurses.

I truly have no clue how it will go. My period does not appear to be anywhere in sight and I feel vaguely nauseous every now and again. Which could totally just be my mind tricking me into thinking that I am feeling pregnancy signs. The lack of signs doesn't really freak me out that much. I felt like a million bucks for most of my pregnancy with Alex. Yeah, you're allowed to hate me for that.

So what will we see???? I reckon (getting a little Aussie now) that it's a 50/50 split. Will we see a sack? Will we see a sack with a yolk sack? Will we see nothing? Will we see nothing but my numbers are still good? Or will we see nothing and my numbers will show that it is game over?

So let's hope I get a few more answers and come out of tomorrow in less of a state of limbo.

And in other news....it was my first day back at work today after having the summer off. Ugh. Seriously...when will it get easier to leave Alex? Perhaps when she's a teenager and doesn't want me within a mile of her? Anyway, the day was hot and stuffy and the district staff meeting was focused on district statistics and the such. Oh-and some genius forgot to turn the air conditioning on in the auditorium. So we were all sweaty balls of slime by the end of the day.

I should probably "sign off" now.  I have to be OUT of the house by 6:10am at the latest for this appointment. Which means I need to wake up at 5. Which is torture for me.

 Some first day of "school" pictures.
 Goof.

Friday, August 31, 2012

My Little Underdog....

He's still holding on. Beta was a 49.5 on Wednesday and was a 110 today. So I believe that makes the doubling time 41 hours now.

Man. I have such mixed emotions. Grateful that he's still hanging in there. Proud of him. But worried about becoming used to the idea of this pregnancy. Worried about becoming attached. I'm feeling it start to happen; it's understandably harder to stay detached as time goes by.

So I'm still on for my first obstetrical u/s on Wednesday. I'm really not sure what they think they'll see, given that my levels will probably not be anywhere near where they need to be in order to see anything. And of course, that's just another big mind feck--going for an u/s and not seeing anything. I guess I'll just have to mentally prepare myself for that.

I'm still really worried about an ectopic. Although, from what I have read, levels generally tend to start off higher, but fail to double adequately. I hope this is the case. I don't need a bum tube on top of PCOS riddled ovaries.

On a different topic (yep--I can actually talk about OTHER things. Amazing, right?), we are going up to camp tonight for the long Labor Day weekend. It's usually a pretty busy weekend and there should be a lot of people around...which makes for a lively time. Of course this weekend also means that the summer is over--and I have to go back to work on Tuesday :( Will it ever get easier to go back to work after being home all summer with Alex???

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Beta #2

To my great surprise, my hcg levels have risen. They went from a 25.5 on Monday to a 49.5 on Wednesday. So-they have basically doubled in 48 hours. Well, technically speaking, the doubling time is something like 49 hours--but I think that's just splitting hairs, don't you?

How am I feeling? You may be surprised to hear--I'm feeling disappointed. I know that makes me seem ungrateful and all, but I was hoping for either a super big surge in numbers--or nothing, a decrease even. All or nothing. What these numbers mean is that I am still in the dreaded limbo. Yes, they doubled. But they are still super low. It actually has me worrying about it being ectopic. Realistically, odds are still not in my favor for a viable pregnancy. But--I'm also strangely proud of my little fair grade embryo. He's holding on!

It also doesn't help that all the nurses at my clinic are on different pages. The nurse who drew my blood yesterday cautioned me that my first beta was pretty low--and that while it wasn't a "low positive"--it was bare minimum for what they want to see. I appreciated her candor. I like to know where I stand.

But then the nurse who called that afternoon with my updates, she sounded so cheerful about a doubling, albeit low, beta. She seemed to think it was all good and didn't even want to schedule me for a third beta. I pushed for one anyway and scheduled it for tomorrow. She even already scheduled me for my first obstetrical ultrasound for next Wednesday. Which has me even more confused because all us infertiles who have scoured the web about all things pregnancy related know that you can't see anything on ultrasound until beta levels reach 1000-1500. Even if my rates keep doubling, they would be around 800. So...I'm confused. Some nurses are happy, some are doom and gloom and others are in-between. Which is probably the most realistic place to be.

But you know what? At this point, I feel like I have to try to find my positive place. My little guy is fighting, he's hanging on. I feel like I at least owe it to him to really push for him....
 
So there you have my baby making drama! To get our minds off everything, we took Alex to the state fair yesterday--which was a lot of fun because now she's old enough to do stuff. We played games, she "won" some cheesy blue teddy bear and a big blow-up dolphin, gorged herself on ice-cream and found out she hates cotton candy. It was a good time. And being the good mama-to-be (for the moment anyway) I ate the prerequisite fried fair food and stayed away from wine slushies. 

 Hanging out with the boys at the zoo

 Getting some love from a calf at the state fair


 She won a dolphin and was SO proud!

 Loving the fishing game






Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Not So Good At This.

Yeah. So I'm not so good with this whole "no answer" thing. It's not even the waiting. I mean, it's not like super fun...but I can deal with it. It's the whole "loose strings" thing. It's the being in the "in between".

I'm excited for my second beta. Really, I am. Excited mostly to have some sort of answer. Either my numbers will have gone down, will have doubled (or more) or will have risen, but not adequately. Oh, I guess it could stay the same too. Either way, I should know if this could be a viable pregnancy after tomorrow. And then I can move on. Either way. No more loose strings. Right now, I'm in the middle of a whole knot of loose strings-positive FRER's that don't get any darker, positive digital tests, negative digital tests-bah!

I kind of feel like I've already grieved this shot at a viable pregnancy. Things just don't feel right to me and, subsequently, I've gone through the whirl-wind of emotions already. So I really think that I am Ok with whatever I find out tomorrow. Perhaps the numbers will be good and I can be guardedly excited. But there's a good chance they won't be. And I can lick my wounds and move on. Put it behind me. Go grab a wine slushy at the State Fair. Sit in my HOT jacuzzi at night. Eat a big fat turkey sub, possibly while eating some extra ripe brie at the same time. I love my soft cheeses. So I'll be ok.

 Moving on is always better than being stuck in limbo. Moving on is essential to getting you where you want to be. 

So I'm not even asking for people to send me sticky dust or prayers or good wishes. It is what it is. It's a good pregnancy or not. Just hoping for some answers-hopefully definitive ones.

And because I think she's super cute, here's some pictures of my little monkey:


 So serious!

Who doesn't go to a beach and camp out under a sign?


Monday, August 27, 2012

Pregnant....

At least according to my Clear Blue Easy digital test. You know, the brand that gave me two negatives a few days ago.

I even took a picture of the darn thing, I think just to prove to myself that the result really came up and actually happened.  I wanted to post the picture on here-but for right now, my camera is MIA (you can thank Hurricane Alex and her band of Little People couch dwellers for that).

So according to CBE, pregnant. CBE was as decisive as usual.

My blood test was not quite so decisive, however. My HCG came in at 25.5. My Progesterone came in at 10 point something.

To be quite honest, after that super light line yesterday, I was just expecting a completely negative blood test today. Anyway. According to these tests results, I'm pregnant, but just barely so. And once again, who EVER said that you couldn't be "just a little bit" pregnant? Because I think that myself and a zillion other women have proven that to be a silly statement.

I generally like my clinic. But sometimes I think they try too hard to be optimistic. And I just feel like they are blowing pixie dust up my arse. Just level with me. That's all I want. When the nurse gave me the results, I said "Man...that's kind of low for 15dpo isn't it?".

Nurse said "Oh, it's fine. Anything 25 and over is fine for right now".
Me: "Really? Because I have a feeling it's a chemical.
Nurse: "Oh no, the results are 'adequate'....especially for a frozen cycle".

And perhaps this is true. Perhaps frozen embryos are the slow underdogs of embryos. I dunno. But I do know what I have read on Google, and it's not making me think too highly of such a low level.

So the wait continues. Beta number 2 is Wednesday at 9:45.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

14 DPO and Beta Tomorrow....

But I don't need the beta to tell me what I already know: that this is not going to be a good, healthy pregnancy. In fact, I'm pretty positive now that it is a chemical pregnancy. I tested today and the line was lighter than yesterday's, and possibly even lighter than the first line I ever got. So I'm not quite emotionally ready to call this cycle a failure yet (at least not until I get my beta results tomorrow), but in my heart I know that we will be moving on to a fresh IVF cycle next month.

How am I feeling? Good question. I don't know. Earlier in the day I was up at camp and so busy with Alex that I thought I was ok. I mean, I really was kind of expecting it--especially knowing the quality of my embryo. Now I just feel kind of defeated. A weary disappointment, a vague sadness. Not even enough to make me cry. It's a strange feeling. Hard to put my finger on the words to describe it. I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll feel better after a good sleep. I know myself, and I always feel weepy when I'm overtired.

You know what else is really weird? I kind of had this extra affinity for that embryo. I mean, he was the underdog. He was the one left over from my two "really good looking" embryo's. He was my scrappy, survivor. Heck-I decided he was a he. I kind of just feel bad that he won't grow into a baby, won't exist. I don't remember feeling that way for my other two embies. Maybe it's because this one survived long enough to implant, even though he wasn't looking so pretty to begin with. I don't know. The little guy was pretty tough though.

So there you have it. Birth control pills and ovary suppression here I come. Should be a barrel of laughs.

Pig

Saturday, August 25, 2012

For Realz?

13 dpo today, or 8dp5dt. So what happened, you ask? Who the heck knows!? I'm still in a no-man's land of confusion, doubt and worry. Perhaps a little bit of hope and optimism in there too-though I wouldn't admit that in real life. In real life I'm a jaded, infertility bad-ass.

I took three-yes THREE tests yesterday because, quite simply, I did not believe the first test because it was so unbelievably light. Well, my second FRER test of the day was also positive. Quite impressive, I thought, as it wasn't with FMU (first morning urine) and I only held my pee for like 3 hours. Then at night, I got brave and took a Clear Blue Easy digital. And waited and waited and waited. Damn, those things take awhile. Three minutes, which feels like 30. And what do I see: "Not Pregnant". Damn you for being so DECISIVE, CBE!  So that put the kabbash on my night, kind of.  And then I puked. Puked all of my dinner up. WTH? Seriously? I did. It sucked. And while I know perfectly well that it is way too early for any type of "morning" sickness, a part of me checked off a little mental box in the back of my mind. I never puke. I never even puked with Alex. Coincidence, right? Must be. Way way too early. Ah, the mind games of infertility.

So I took two tests this morning, using the same container of pee for both. Yeah, cause why would I use one? I took that other evil digital and a FRER. The FRER came up positive still, and a bit darker than yesterday's. In fact, I was actually able to get a picture where you could see two lines-huzzah! The digi? Meh, damn thing came up "Not pregnant" again :( That bad boy certainly wasn't open to any interpretation. There was no seeing imaginary lines there. Just a stark, Not Pregnant.

So where do I stand? Who the heck knows? I guess this is what they mean by being "a little bit" pregnant.

I will say that I did not follow the directions on the digi this morning. I held the thing in the cup for only 10 seconds instead of the prescribed 20 seconds. Could this have made an actual difference? Would that much more HCG have soaked through that little wick? Darn it if I know. Any thoughts?

So I'm feeling that this will be a chemical pregnancy. Which completely and totally bums me out. But I'm trying to remind myself that if this pregnancy doesn't take off, it's probably because there is something grossly wrong with the embryo and that it's just nature's way....and that our perfect (for us) child is still waiting for us....

And now for another addition of: Only an Infertile :)

Only an infertile would go to Target and buy not one box of pregnancy tests, but two. Two different types. Really?! Because how many tests do you need to tell you that you're pregnant??? I deliberately went to a male cashier so I wouldn't get the raised eyebrow again. They don't know how that shit works anyway.

And now for a picture of this morning's FRER test. I spared you a shot of the "Not Pregnant" CBE. It's quite a bit darker "In real life" but it's the best I could do...


Friday, August 24, 2012

Mind F$ck

12dpo today, or 7dp5dt. Dh just got home from a four day business trip late the previous night. I went into the bathroom this morning to "freshen up" before getting....um...frisky. Well, I peed on a stick, not really expecting anything. I mean, I used it and then just kind of tossed the test onto the bathroom counter. Well, when I deigned to look at it, to my great surprise, there was a teeny tiny line. That kind of killed the mood. Just sayin'. Can you imagine how distractible I was after that?

But anyway. It was there. I didn't have to squint. I didn't have to hold it up to the light. I didn't have to take my magnifying glass out, didn't have to dismantle the test (I've seen so many women do this...but I just don't get why????). The best part??? Dan could see it too! I wasn't imagining this line. I wasn't conjuring it up. Because, believe me, that's happened before. It's amazing the things you can see on a blank pregnancy test.

It is definitely a pink line too. Not an evap. Came up within a minute or so...well within the time limit.

But it's super light. Like really really light. There probably has never been such a light line. I can't even get a good picture of it with my camera--although my cell phone did catch a decent pic of it. However, I do not know how to upload cell phone pics onto this blog.

So is this a mind fuck or what? Am I pregnant? Am I not? Will it be a chemical? Now the waiting begins. I had just come to terms with being "out of the game". So yeah, wasn't expecting this. I hope I'm not getting all jacked up for nothing.

Honestly, I don't have the greatest feeling about this, as my line with Alex appeared two days earlier and was darker....but every pregnancy is different. It also doesn't help that I know the quality of this embryo....

Anyway, I've been carrying the silly test around for like the last two hours. Studying it, holding it at different angles. Obsessing. Scouring the internet. And it comes down to the same thing: It's there, but light. No other information can be gleaned from this. I've gotta give this one up to the universe for now.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Well Shit Just Aint Fair

I should be used to it by now, right? I mean it has happened over and over and over again? Happens all the time. Women getting pregnant before me who began trying WAY after me. It's just an unfairness that I am going to have to reconcile, for my sanity and everyone else's in my life.

If you can't tell by the opening tone of this post, I've had a tough morning. Which can't be a good sign seeing as it is only 9:16. Anyway, pregnancy test numero dos was a big fat failure today, at 11 dpo/6dp5dt. Again, I know it's early. But c'mon...throw me a bone here. And it's not that early either. If it's a negative tomorrow, I'll be about 90% sure that I'm out. Bring on the birth control next cycle--gotta gear up for another month of hell a fresh cycle. At least the birth control might bring some of my PCOS symptoms to their knees. That's a happy thought. Fecking PCOS. I hate you.

Anyway--now back to what made my morning especially bad. Because, apparently a negative test wasn't enough. So when I was pregnant with Alex, I was understandably over the moon and wanted to share every tiny (often time boring to others) detail with people. So I joined a forum for women pregnant with Jan/Feb 2010 babies. I haven't been on that forum in several months but still keep up with them on FB. They are a great group of women, but almost all of them have gone on to have second or even third babies by now. This, of course, makes my life hard, lol. It brings me right back to where I was emotionally before having Alex...feeling left behind while my friends begin their families. It's a shitty feeling. Anyway, another woman has announced her pregnancy and while I'm happy for her-I'm sad for myself. Sad that my body doesn't work the "normal" way. Sad that I'll never have an "accident" or view a positive pregnancy test with unbridled joy. No....there will always be that shadow of worry looming, no matter how dark my second line.

So there you go. Thank God for having Alex. I got a little down yesterday. But then I had to pick her up from daycare and she was in the back seat chatting with all her stuffed animals and making them talk back to her and I couldn't help smile. She does make this process worlds easier.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Dang It.

This is the downside to having no self-control--a big ugly single line on a pregnancy test. Yep. Who would've thought? Take note of the sarcasm. 5dp5dt today (10 dpo)...the same day I found out I was pregnant with Alex. This time-nada. Not even a hint of an evap. Believe me, I know because I studied that piece of plastic for like 15 minutes. Yes, it's still early. But I'm irrational and hormonal and kind of tired and just not in the mood for disappointment. I said that last part to be kind of funny because who's ever really in the mood to entertain the thought of an IVF cycle not working? Dry humor here...it's all I've got today. 

I had a tiny bit more of that light pink discharge this morning, but I'm just not thinking that it's related to implantation. Probably related to all the suppositories that I have been sticking up "there". But we shall see. I need to get over this whole "day 10 is THE magic day" where any hpt will turn positive, just because that happened before.

Ah feck. I just really hoped to not have to go through the joys of another fresh cycle.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Here He Is :)

Alrighty then. Here's my little guy on the day of the FET. He's a hottie, right?



Wonder what he's doing? Wonder if he's doing anything?

So I'm 4dp5dt--equivalent to 9dpo. How do I feel? Meh. I don't know. I thought I was going to be really chill this cycle and not worry, since odds are not in our favor. But I feel myself getting attached to the idea of a miracle. And while miracles do happen all the time, it's kind of a lot to expect.

I've been having some "twinges" in my right ovary area. Of course, this makes me hope that a nice big fat corpus luteum is developing. I had ovary pain when I was preggo with Alex, and it was the corpus luteum. Of course, I'm analyzing every blessed thing that I am feeling. So it could really just be a thirty (something) year old's aches and pains. I also had a teensy weensy bit of pinkish discharge on the toilet paper this morning. Nothing since.

So what can that mean? The optimist crazy pee-on-a-sticker wants to think that it's a sign of implantation. Or or or...it could be my body sucking and my lining beginning the arduous process of shedding.

Or it could be nothing. Probably the most likely scenerio.

I will begin testing tomorrow, at 10dpo. I know I know...I'm setting myself up for disappointment and all that. But it's when I got a positive with Alex. And I suck at waiting. Instant gratification. No self discipline right here. Yeah, it's kind of a fatal flaw. It took every ounce of self control to not use one today, which really would be absurd. Not saying I haven't done it before...

Not "PC" But What the Hell....

So I stumbled across this song on the great big internets. It's tongue and cheek and just for fun, so don't get all mad at me and offended. I was pregnant once too. And probably kind of smug since I got pregnant on my first round of injections--and thought I was an infertility superstar. I think karma is biting me in the ass right now for my smugness. Anyway. Find this song on YouTube and play it when you're having a really angry, bitchy day. It will be cathartic.

But I do think they should change the name to "Pregnant Women are Smug...Unless You've Had a Baby Surgically Implanted...Then You're Just Scared That Shit Will Go Wrong". Too long, you think?

Pregnant Women are Smug--Garfunkel and Oates

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
Effing son of a gun
You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps
Now that you're pregnant

I can't count all the ways how
You speak in clich├ęs now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or girl?
Kate: Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy
Riki: Really? 'Cause I don't feel that those two things are related. It's not like one or the other.
Kate: Oh, really, as long as it's healthy.

I can't wait to hear someone say
"Don't care if it's brain dead
Don't care if it's limbless
If it has a penis"

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
This zen world you're enjoying
Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or girl?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Riki: What you're gonna name it?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Riki: Who's the father?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don't really care
I was being polite
Since you have no life now
That you're pregnant

You say you're walking on air
You think that you're glowing
But you've been ho'ing
And now you're pregnant

You're just giving birth now
You're not Mother Earth now

Riki: Oh my gosh, I've got so much going on. I got my novel published, I moved, I got married.
Kate: Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
Riki: Well, I also helped end gang violence in Mexico when...
Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant. Everything else seems so meaningless.

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
Effing son of a gun
You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now
Now that you're pregnant

Monday, August 20, 2012

That Dang Dance

I'm 3dp5dt today.

Or...the equivalent to 8 dpo (days past the big "O"). No, I don't mean orgasm. Unfortunately, there was none of that-that went into making this particular baby.

So I'm on day eight. The good thing about a five day transfer is that you're already five days into the dreaded 2ww. Five days less of cycling through every possible emotion.

"I know it worked!"
"It must have worked!"
"Of course it worked, it was already practically a baby, what did my body really have to do?!"
"Feck. It's impossible"
"I feel pregnant. My boobs hurt"
"Ohhhhh, I have a zit on my chin. Totally a sign"
"I'm doomed"
"I'm doomed and my kid is going to hate me for never making her a sibling"
"Ohhhh, I felt a cramp. Must be implantation"
"I F'ing hate my body and my stupid ovaries"

You get the picture. Because that's where I've been for the last day or so. Sure it worked, sure it failed. Feeling silly about being optimistic with one, lone, fair embryo...blah blah blah.

The thing is, with Alex, I did feel some weird, crazy sensations around 7dpo. I swear! I'm not making this up. And I'm not one to put a lot of stock into super early 2ww symptoms-if people pay enough attention, they will feel every tiny bodily sensation that ever existed. Still doesn't mean they created a human being. Anyway, around 7dpo, I totally felt light pinching sensations in my uterine area for like an entire day. I was so sure that it was implantation--it felt like nothing I had felt before. I was so sure. I was so sure that, like the crazy asshole I am when it comes to peeing on sticks, I took a test at 8dpo. Yeah, it was negative. Duh. I didn't test at 9dpo because I was all angry and bitter and defeated...but like an addict...I couldn't control myself and tested and 10dpo. And it was positive. A beautiful, relatively dark positive.

So where am I going with this? I'm technically 8dpo today. I've felt nothing. Nada. Zilch. I know. I'm being a total downer for no logical reason. I mean my little microcosm of cells (I don't know if I used that word in the correct context, but it seemed like a good descriptor of my embryo and I've been itching to use it. So bare with me) is tiny, minute. What the heck could I possibly feel???

Anyway, I'm hungry (wholy crap, another sign!) so I'm gonna get some cereal (a craving?). Then Alex and I are hitting up Target because we BOTH are irrationally in love with that place. Just seeing the red carts puts us both into our happy place. I may buy my kid a toy too, because why not spoil my only child (see, I'm hormonal too)?

PS. The pool party was a HUGE success, but I couldn't get rid of people! People were here until 2 (am) or so...people sleeping over. Oy, it was like being 19 again and living in a townhouse with 6 other people. Choas. But--a good distraction from the happenings in my uterus.





 We won't even talk about how many cupcakes just had the icing licked off

 Alex making s'mores with her cousin, Rylee

 Alex cuddling with cousin Reese


 Yeah, that's how we roll

Saturday, August 18, 2012

FET #1-Check!

Ok....so number two "best" option did not happen: that the embryo wouldn't survive the thaw and we would get our 1250 back. So we are most definitely out 1250. Small price to pay for a healthy baby---BIG price to pay for nothing. We'll see.

The transfer went smoothly, even without a Valium inspired haze. Why did I say no to the offered Valium? Too much shit to do at home for this pool party today. Dr. K was his usual chipper, hippy self and he went on and on, ad nauseum, about my tattoo (the one with Alex's name on my foot and a seeded dandelion blowing in the breeze) and how "wishes do really come true". When I asked the grade of my poor, lone embie, he kind of did not want to tell me and instead gave me a pep talk about how the prettiest embryo's don't always make it, but the ones with the most "passion" do. I'm not making this shit up. Anyway, it can't be a good sign when your doctor doesn't want to tell you the actual grade. But I'm easy--he did get me all jacked up and relatively excited. I didn't really have the heart to ask him again because he was trying so hard. So, instead, I kind of went behind his back (I'm a coward, I know) and spoke privately with the embryologist--who was fantastic, btw.

So the deal with my one sole survivor is that it's an early day five blastocyst--which is why it got a grade of a 2. The full grade is a 2CB.  Now for those lucky enough to have no friggin' clue what I'm talking about, a really really super awesome embryo is like a 4AA. So yeah, mine is definitely fair. However, the first number could go up because it's only young right now. The embryologist said the C could get better too, that often times young blastocysts don't have high first letters because they are still growing and evolving. The "B" part is good, however. Yay for something good.

The embryologist also reiterated that there are so many other factors related to whether a pregnancy is established--and that grading is NOT the end-all-be-all. It's subjective in many cases. She also reiterated what Dr. G once said to me--that the most beautiful embryo's often do nothing while the good or fair ones make it to a healthy baby. No one knows the when's where's and why's. Pregnancy, establishing a pregnancy, is still such a mystery. There's still so much we don't know.

She also said that some women do better with a FET, because their bodies have not had to undergo the stress of a fresh IVF cycle. I can relate to this, as I felt like absolute crappola when I went through IVF in February.  She even said that some women do better with a single embryo transfer, rather than multiple. For this point, I think she was just trying to make me feel better and blowing smoke up my ass. But hey. I liked her. She answered most of my questions honestly. She made me feel better without giving me false hope.

So I'm now, technically, 6 days past ovulation---or 1dp5dt. I'm sitting here wondering if my little guy is still alive and growing and about to implant...or if he has already disintegrated into a big jumble of random cells and mush. Fortunately, I don't have time to worry about this, as I have a par-tay to prepare for :) Plus, I hear Alex grumbling up in bed. So when I have another moment, I will have to post a picture of my little ball of cells. He's not much to look at yet, be warned....


Thursday, August 16, 2012

FET Update...and Stuff.

I just realized I never updated my blog regarding my appointment last Friday. It went well. Kind of not-so-exciting but, then again, how exciting can a frozen cycle be??? Unless of course you end up pregnant. I gotta say though, I DIG the frozen cycles! They are. so. easy. Seriously. Go to the doctor's one or twice, take some pills, insert some progesterone and voila--you're ready for the transfer. Way better than the shit that comes along with doing a fresh cycle!

So anyway, as of last Friday, my lining was on average over a 9. They want to see at least 7 1/2. So we're good there. My instructions were to continue with the Estrace three times/day and begin with Crinone Gel two times a day beginning last Sunday. And tomorrow is my FET at either 10:15 or 10:45. I suppose I should check on that. I wonder when they will tell me if my little guy has survived? My poor little left over embie. Today? Tonight? Tomorrow--after making the drive to the clinic? When do they actually thaw them anyway? Hmmm...so many questions. I'm deliberately not doing research because I know myself and I know that I can get all single-minded and obsessive.

We'll see what happens. I'm amazingly relaxed about all of this. Probably because I have realistic expectations for a cycle that is a. frozen b. with only one embryo and c. one embryo of fair quality. Best case scenario, the embryo takes and gives us a healthy baby! Second "best" case is that the embryo doesn't survive the thaw and we get our 1250 back. Worst case scenario is that the embryo survives the thaw and I don't get pregnant. Well, you get it...because I'm not pregnant and OUT 1250. I don't mean to sound mercenary, but hey, I don't work in the summer.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! FET in the morning and then home to clean and cook for our big pool party on Saturday. Got lots to do. I'm going to try to get a lot of the more active cleaning stuff (i.e. vacuuming) done today so I can take it relatively easy tomorrow after the procedure. Luckily my mother is going to come over in the afternoon to help out. Yeah, so this party and my FET were poorly timed. Oh well. Can't stop life because of these treatments. 


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Well Hello, Stranger.

Still on a semi-blogging break. Partly because I'm lazy, partly because I'm pretty busy (despite not working atm) and partly because I'm not really in the mood to talk about fertility/infertility etc etc etc.

Buttttt....here I am! We got back from Australia about two weeks ago. We had a fabulous time, despite the weather being unseasonably cold for their winter. And by cold, I mean 65-70. I know, what a joke. But despite the mild weather by our standards, my sister-in-law and in-laws were all bundled up in their "jumpers" (sweaters to us) and fluffy socks. They looked at us like we were nuts in our capris and tank tops.

But we did have a great time. It's always so exciting to go and always so hard to leave. I get along great with Dan's family and wished that we could all be in one area all the time. It was hard for Alex to leave her Nana and Deda as well. She kept saying "I want to keep them". Poor kid. There were definitely tears at the airport upon our departure back home. Four weeks always goes sooooo fast! Alex loved hanging out with her cousin, Will, who has just turned one (after sister-in-law went through 4 IVF's). Alex called him "Baby cousin baby Will". It was nice to see the two of them together. It's funny how little kids "get" each other, even babies as young as one. They just understood each other and even played-despite the age gap. Very cute to see. I think Alex liked bossing him around because he's too young to know better. We'll see how that goes next summer when she is 3 1/2 and he's 2!

We fit a lot into those four weeks. We went on a family vacation to the Whitsundays--Daydream Island. Yes, they had a swim-up bar. Yes, we took advantage. We had Will's big first birthday party, visited with extended family, went to the Botanical Gardens in Rockhampton, had dinner with friends, spent a night in Brisbane with Uni friends, went to the beach, went on a rainforest walk on Daydream Island, went on some picnics, to playgrounds, etc etc etc. Was a good time. Back to reality now.

And reality is.....our FET is underway!!! We only have one five day blast of fair quality. I'm not holding out a huge amount of hope for success....but hey...this could be it. This little blast could have all the components to make up a complete human being. I feel like I should give the little guy a chance...he's held in there this long.

So I'm on Estrace three times/day and go back Friday for a lining check. Hopefully it will be nice and fat. Also hoping my little guy survives the big thaw, but if he doesn't (I wonder why I keep saying he????) then he probably wouldn't have made it in utero anyway. C'est la vie.

Of course I have to add some pics :) Probably the next post....


Ps. If you're wondering how Alex did on the LONG plane rides, here's the answer:

Mostly good. With a few exceptions. On the way over, she was really pretty sick, running a fever and with a sore throat. Just our luck, she got sick the day before we left. The doctor felt it was just a virus that had to run its course. I was hoping to get some antibiotics out of the deal, but that was a no-go. Anyway, she slept a lot on the way over, which was great. BUT, because she was sick, she wanted to sleep on me the entire time. So yeah, I basically held her for 6 hours straight before handing her off to Dan. I'm all for snuggling but......

On the way home, she did excellent. There was only one flight that she was cranky for-but apart from that, she was a virtual angel :) Tablets are lifesavers. Just sayin'. And snacks. And the mini magna-doodle. 

Oh, and the Dallas/Fort Worth airport that had a children's play place. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! You Texans are wonderful, smart, fabulous people!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Packing....Then and Now.

We all know life changes after having kids...whether you have one, two or19 like the Duggars. Whatever. Life changes. Most of the changes are for the better. Most are wonderful. But there are concessions too: Free time, going to the bathroom alone, stretch marks, leisurely travel without being terrified of the next meltdown (you know, where you can actually listen to music or read a good book)....and your OWN luggage and carry-on. Your own-as in...not having to share with your offspring.

Pre-kid, my suitcase would be filled to the brim with tank tops and skirts and dresses and impractical shoes, loads of jewelry, makeup and even my hair straightener.

Post-kid: I have 4 pairs of pants, a couple rough and tumble shirts, two bras, underwear that needs updating, a necklace if I am lucky, sneakers, a few flip flops, and a vial of mascara. "All this" for a one month trip.

My carry-on bag is even sadder--er--kid friendly. Pre-Kid: water (back when water wasn't a weapon), some mints, a Luna bar, I-Pod (pre-I phone era), magazines (a huge selection) and two-three books.

Post-kid: a change of clothes for Alex, jammies, sippy cups, kid-friendly snacks, board books, lolly pops (to equalize ear pressure), children's Tylenol, two blankies, Strawberry Shortcake dolls, My Little Ponies, a sticker book, crayons, diapers and wipes.

What do I now have in my carry-on bag that is my own, or for my own personal use? Imodium (hey-it's a 16 hour flight from Texas to Brisbane!), my phone and my wallet. So yes. Life changes.

I'll probably bring my Nook. Although, I fully expect to not be able to read anything I download. See-it's different for women. Dan, he can tune everything out and get absorbed in a book or magazine. I, on the other hand, have one ear open for the first minuscule sign of grumpiness or discontent. I can't relax, I'm always trying to circumvent any tantrum....prevention is key!

My advice to other parents of toddlers who have to travel long distances (air travel):
-Even if your child is under two, buy them a seat if you can! Most kids are comfortable in their car seat and less so on the lap for long periods
-Walking the aisles may not work out well...despite thinking that a change of scenery will keep your kid from getting too ornery. Once they walk the aisle-they will NEVER want to go back to their seat. Beware!
-Lollipops for toddlers-helps with ear pressure on landing and can be very distracting for a whining child
-Stickers. Need I say more?
-Avoid the red-eye. Kids never sleep when they are "supposed to" while traveling. There is a good possibility that taking a red-eye will just make them crankier.
-Buy a Go Go Baby car seat thingy. Look it up. Beats a stroller any time for airport travel
-Snacks snacks snacks!
-It's costly, but if you can, buy a Tablet for your kid and get their favorite shows. It's baby crack.
-Mini Magna-Doodle is always a winner with us
-Layer the clothes
-Don't even try to stick to potty training when traveling...at least not until you get to your destination

That's all I can think of for now. We've taken Alex to Florida two times and this will be our third time taking her to Australia. We've kind of accrued tips and pointers.

And despite having to share my luggage and carry-on, I'm super excited for this trip and secretly love the fact that I'm toting all of Alex's stuff too :)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Jumping on...

Jumping on with a quick update for now...kind of taking a semi-break from blogging. I think I just need to not think much about babies right now. Which means not really writing about them as well.

But, I haven't written in awhile, so I thought an update was overdue.

I had my follow-up with my urologist about a week-and-a-half ago and have been given the "all clear" to begin trying for a baby again! Which means, come August, when we get home from Australia, we will be doing our first FET. If that doesn't work, I hope to do our next fresh round in September.

SCHOOL IS OUT for summer....which means no work for me until September 4th. I had a pool party here yesterday for the last day of school. Was VERY fun and the weather was perfect. But man--I'm dragging today!

My sister and her boyfriend are coming into town today to pick up our cat--who is staying with them while we are gone. So they will be spending the night. My parents are coming over too and we plan to swim more, have a cook out and enjoy a movie in the theater room ;)

AND...we leave for Australia on Wednesday. No, I have not started packing. I'm still unpacking our house! I'm feeling way way way behind, but we'll get it all done.

See. Short and sweet. :)






Wednesday, June 6, 2012

SO Blah.

Well, the title about sums up what this post is going to be like. If you don't want to be privy to my pity party, I suggest you stop reading.

I'm not even going to try to be entertaining. I feel so "blah". It's like I have all this numbness and disappointment and jealousy all rolled up into a ball-which is sitting on my chest.

I'm sick of thinking about babies. Of wanting babies. Why can't I be content with one? I'm sick of seeing other people have babies. Last week, my friend had her baby-a boy. Then another girl-a friend from high school who I only have contact with through FB--she had her second baby. I didn't even know she was pregnant!

I have a baby shower at work on Friday and my other friend from college is due any day now. But the icing on the cake is an old friend (a rather contentious relationship, but I won't go there), just had a second baby--a little boy. Didn't know she was pregnant either. I'm surrounded.

And the reality has set in. I will not be able to do another IVF or FET before we leave for Australia. It is June 6th, we leave the 27th. My period has not come yet. No way I'll be fitting that in. So yet another month goes by. More time passing. There's no way my children will be three years apart now. I'll be lucky if I have them 3 1/2 years apart. Extremely lucky. And that's where the pressure comes from. The more time that goes by, the further the age gap gets. And that just makes me sad for Alex. I feel like I'm disappointing her, even though she has no idea about any of this.

I keep telling myself that we can be happy with one. And I'm sure we would be. But there's this grief over possibly not having another. And it's a grief that I need to acknowledge. The two things that make me the most sad about maybe not having another child are that I really want Alex to grow up with a sibling...and that I won't ever get to experience all the stages again.

Why can't I have an "oops"?  Why can't I just show up at the fertility specialist's office and...SURPRISE! You're pregnant after all?

I know it's too early to be talking like this. Heck--we only did one round of IVF. But I thought we would have 2 or 3 under our belt by now. But timing did not work out with my kidney stones and infection. I am trying to stay positive and think that maybe this all happened for a reason. Maybe "our" child was not ready yet...maybe we're still waiting for s/he.

I know we'll be happy with just one. I just feel bad for Alex. That's the big part. And that's the part that I don't know how to reconcile. I turned 32 on June 1st. Thought I'd be done having babies by my 32nd birthday.

As for good news...we moved into our new house AND I only have 12 more days of work until September!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I **Should** Be Packing...

....But I really don't want to! I am feeling lazy and unmotivated today. But so very excited to close on our new house tomorrow!!! And as excited as I am--I still just wish that I could will all of our crap to pack itself and move itself. Not unreasonable or anything, am I?

I'm just kind of bad at packing. Really. I don't know why. I am super slow at it and again, I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I jump onto Facebook or onto Blogger or go looking for food or drink every few minutes. Short attention span.

The other thing that I do is pace. Probably because I am so overwhelmed looking at all of our *stuff* that I have no clue where to start. So basically, I walk around ringing my hands, not knowing what to do with myself. What to tackle next? Will we need this before the move? Will this box be too heavy? Etc etc etc. So I occasionally wander around, looking at stuff-a little dazed and confused and incredulous that we have accumulated SO much useless crap within the four years we have owned our current house.

As you can probably guess...this blog post is a diversion from packing. I'm not very clever, am I? I really need to make the most of this time, as Alex is currently napping. And I have a feeling that part of the reason that I am so slow with packing is because Alex is "helping". I'm sure you can imagine what a two year old's idea of "helping" is.

So we close tomorrow at noon :) We are very excited. We won't be moving this weekend because we are having the main part of the house painted--so we'll probably move next weekend. But tomorrow night, Dan, Alex and I (and the dogs) will go over and have a picnic of pizza and wings and Moet champagne. Thought I would bring out the big guns with that one. Juice--not champagne--for Alex. And then it's up to camp for the long Memorial Day weekend! Have a wonderful holiday :)

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Two Things...

The two things that drive this infertile nuts are as follows: pity....and pregnancy complaints.

Ok, I can kind of get the pregnancy complaints in some cases. I have a friend who had such bad morning sickness that she needed to be hospitalized for IV fluids and nutrition. Yeah...I get being kind of grumpy about that. I'm not completely insensitive to the "not so pretty" parts of pregnancy. But complaining about every. little. thing. Bah! Suck it up.

Where is my rant of the day coming from? Wellllllllll.....my sort-of friend at work is 10 weeks pregnant with her second child. She had been trying for close to a year this time around. Because we were both trying, we talked a lot about the whole process....commiserated....misery loves company and all that. She knew about what I went through to get pregnant with Alex. She kind of knew about my IVF cycle (I say kind of because we are not super close, so I didn't share everything with her).

So now she's pregnant. It did sting a little, at first. But I got over it pretty quickly. The thing is, she is the type of girl who is not happy-ever. Which is one of the many reasons that we are only work friends. I listened to her, literally, crying throughout the entire school year about not being pregnant. And what does she do now? Complain every. blessed. day. Seriously. She complains about being bloated, her dog like sense of smell, her nausea, her back, her feet (at 10 weeks-seriously?!) and the list goes on and on.

So to this work colleague, I say: Suck it up. You wanted this. You've been pregnant. You know how it is. Be happy. Your baby has a heartbeat. Your baby is in your belly. You no longer have to imagine what it will be like the second time around. Get. over. yourself. And while you're at it--stop COMPLAINING to someone who would LOVE to be pregnant. Seriously....how stupid can you be? I'm pretty much the worst person to complain to. Pretty much--I don't care that your pants are snug or that you are breaking out. Go bring your insensitive, whiny ass self to someone else who doesn't want to slap you upside the head every time you open your mouth. Getting pregnant has been, incidentally, your main objective for like 11 months! You kind of knew it was coming. Hey-how about this? How about you *try* to enjoy the last time you will most likely be pregnant? Oh wait-you don't know how to find joy in anything, so I guess that's a big order.

And also, don't complain and then turn your big fat eyes of pity onto me and ask fake questions about "how I'm doing" in a patronizing, fake, saccharine voice. It's simply insulting. Oh, and how bout this....how bout you don't work until 9pm every night so you can actually spend **some** time with the one child you have right now? How bout that, mother of the year?

Ok. I feel better. Now I can resist the urge to trip her in the hall. Ok, I wouldn't really because she is pregnant and all. But man--suck. it. up.