Tuesday, September 25, 2012

8 Week Scan

8 weeks, 2 days to be exact. Because once again, I want credit for every nanosecond that I have been pregnant.

Anyway--I hesitate to say this for fear of cursing myself--but things are looking good (knock on wood)!

Instead of five days behind, the little guy has caught up and is now only 3 days behind! And the heart beat was a strong, healthy and LOUD 170 bpm. God, the sound of the heart beat is so darn exhilarating!

So I go back next Tuesday for another scan and if things are still going well, I will be released to my normal ob/gyn. I have mixed feelings about this. It's tough going back to a normal OB because you simply don't get the attention you do at a fertility clinic. No more weekly scans, etc etc. It's hard to go from seeing your baby every week to maybe once every two months. But....it is a milestone. So that's how I will look at it.

Oh, and I'm not so convinced that he is actually a he. I'm losing the feeling. Which is weird because I was **so** sure. Hopefully I can convince my friend to sneak me in for an early anatomy scan in about 8 weeks :)

That's all for now....

Monday, September 24, 2012

8 Weeks

Yesterday...8 weeks yesterday. Holy cow this first trimester is crawling. I mean, seriously! I was supposed to have an ultrasound this Thursday, but had to move it up to tomorrow because Dan is going out of town and I won't have anyone to get Alex to daycare. And tomorrow is the only day that I could get a relatively early time.

Hoping for more growth, and a good heartbeat. I'm a little worried because I haven't been as nauseous lately--but then again--I was pretty much never nauseous with Alex. So it just might be one of those things. We will see. 7:30 tomorrow.

We had a great weekend though :) Friday, we converted Alex's toddler bed to an actual big girl bed and ordered out fantastic Chinese. Oh, and Alex seriously digs her bed. Saturday, I had dinner with some friends-and was outed by one when she zeroed in on the fact that I wasn't drinking. Seriously?! Am I that much of a lush, lol? We also watched Snow White and the Huntsman that night in the movie room. Awesome graphics, but kind of predictable. I don't care, it was good.

Sunday we went apple picking and I made homemade applesauce. Alex almost lost her mind with excitement. She got to ride a hay ride, get her face painted, picked apples, had orange ice cream (don't ask) and got to pet goats. She was in heaven, I tell ya. That's all for now. I'll update tomorrow, of course.

 Lovin' my new big girl bed

 Apple picking, of course

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Ultrasound Update

Well, my little guy is hanging in there :) S/he was still measuring 5 days behind, but had grown roughly 3mm in 3 days, which is what they like to see. Also, the heart beat has gone up from 128 to 158 :) That makes me VERY happy :) Alex's heart beat was always between 160 and 170.

So the nurse, the same one from the other day with the scintillating personality (not) said that this guy may just be a "late bloomer" because of the FET and because of my obviously late implantation. I mean--hello!--a beta of only 25 at 9dp5dt??? Roughly equivalent to 15dpo. Yeah, definitely a late implanter.

The nurse said, "Well, I'm feeling much better about things today than I was three days ago". Now would this inspire confidence in you? Kind of-but not really. It means that she thought things sucked three days ago, but that they could be ok now. So I have mixed feelings about things.

But as a friend pointed out--this baby has been consistently behind. And especially with the FET and late implantation, s/he may be "right on" where they should actually be. The nurse also said, "Well it's not like you're that far behind". She said this to me in kind of a scolding manner when she could see I was worried. Because that's a good way to handle a hormonal, finally pregnant, infertile. Yeah. Not. Impressed.

So anyway...there's a little bit of blood in my uterus, but it is not coming from the sac, the placenta and is no where near the baby. Nurse Ratchet seems to think that it is coming from irritation on my cervix from the (surprise surprise) Crinone gel. Not altogether shocking as I keep having the clumpy gel discharge that is tinted with brown. Which is G-ross. Nursey did not think it was anything to worry about. SO instead of Googgling and working myself up per the usual, I'm taking this at face value and actually trusting the say-so of a medical professional. Even though she is probably younger and certainly bitchier, than me.

I have my next u/s on Thursday. It seems so far away. I hope my little guy keeps growing. I was able to hear his/her heart beat again and it sounded **so** strong and so solid. So healthy. I hope s/he is. I really do. Even if s/he is still 5 days behind, I'll be ok with it. Just means that it's consistent but still growing appropriately.

Eight weeks tomorrow. Hard to believe that I found out at only 3 weeks 5 days. I feel like I've already known/been pregnant forever. I thought the second pregnancy was supposed to go faster????

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Limbo Part Deux.

And to think that, with my promising 6 week scan, I thought I was somewhat out of limbo. Bahahahahaha. Joke's on me.

So as you can see from my somewhat bitter opening, my 7w, 2d scan did not go *as well* as I would have liked. Not all bad. But not great either. *sigh*

First the good: Baby's heart beat was 117 last week and is now up to 128-130...which is completely normal for this gestation **and** for what I am measuring. We were able to see the heartbeat--and HEAR it. Which, I gotta say, is way more amazing. I mean, how much more tangible proof do you need that there's something, a little parasite, growing in you???? I love love love hearing the hb. And I remember, when delivering Alex, I wanted to see her of course, but what I really wanted was to *hear* that cry for the first time. Guess I'm audiologically fixated. I dunno. So anyway-that was freakin' saweeet.

The not so great.  Baby was measuring 5 days behind. So instead of 7w2d, s/he was measuring 6w, 4d. Now I know that baby's very rarely ever measure completely on target. During my early pregnancy with Alex, she was generally between 1-3 days behind, but sometimes would also be completely accurate or a day ahead. It depends on the person measuring, the angle the baby is at, the equipment, etc etc etc. BUT...I don't remember her ever measuring 5 days behind. So yeah, it kind of freaks me out.

There *has* been growth since last week, because at 6w3d, I was measuring 6 weeks even. Again, 3 days off--no biggie. The nurse wasn't concerned in the slightest. Plus, I know for a fact that this little guy was a late implanter and that FET babies are slow to warm up. So I was ok with three days. But five. Really??? The nurse-who is kind of a cranky beast (terribly blunt, doesn't have the best bedside manner--great combo for working at a fertility clinic with hormonal women) was all like "Well...it could go either way...but I'm not terribly concerned at this stage....there's a pretty major margin of error with early scans....but it's just too early to tell". I asked this nurse to be straight with me and tell me what she thought, and she said she didn't have a feeling about the outcome one way or the other. So there you go. More limbo.

Now me, being a Google whore, looked up all sorts of data and it appears that there is a huge margin of error with early u/s and that anything within a week of the actual gestation is considered normal. Plus, I had two different techs measuring me (which could account for the difference), plus the baby was definitely in a different position this time. Last week, s/he was kind of just chilling, floating around and hanging straight down. This week, he or she was curled a bit around the yolk sac. So perhaps that accounts for some difference. Gah! All the unknowns! Will I ever stop worrying about this child???

So there you have it. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what to think. I called my good friend who happens to be an u/s tech at one of the local hospitals (who incidentally did my early anatomy scan for Alex and was able to tell us her gender) and she really felt the measurement was no big deal at all. I don't think she was blowing smoke up my ass. We don't have that type of friendship. My other friend, my bff, is a labor and delivery nurse who has seen countless u/s...she didn't think it was a big deal either. I hope that are right....

I go for another u/s tomorrow morning. 7:15. I just want an answer. In the end, I want a healthy baby. I would rather have a healthy baby *later* than a sick baby *now*.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Pic. And Telling the Boss.

So here's a pic of our little guy from yesterday at 6w 3d :) Here's to hoping that s/he grows bigger and stronger next week:

So I told all three of my bosses about my pregnancy. Mostly because if we have any kids with significant behavioral issues, I don't want to get involved in having to do any therapeutic restraints. Noooooo thank you. Not while pregnant. You never know when you'll get a knee to the stomach. So anyway-I kind of felt like I had to keep my bosses in the loop.

They were all good and excited and all that stuff. But my one boss knows of my fertility issues. So I was telling her about the whole IVF process. Why, oh why, did I go there? To a layman...it sounds like crazy science fiction.

The conversation kind of went like this:

Boss: "Wait...you had 21 eggs!!! Oh My Gawd. You could have been like that Octomom"
Me: Well, human reproduction is wasteful, so I only had three eggs survive
Boss: What? Three out of 21? That doesn't sounds so good. Why did only three survive?
Me: Yeah. I don't really know ((in my head: I have PCOS and that can make crappy eggs))
Boss: You know, Mrs. X (insert name of parent of child who goes to our school) tried and tried and tried to get pregnant for years. Then she adopted her boys and got pregnant right away!
Me: ((Barf)) What I actually said: "funny how things work"...

So then I told her about IVF and the FET:
Boss: Wait....like the egg and sperm were put together in a test tube? That's just amazing. Do they have to shake the tube up or let them get together on their own?
Me: Ummmm? (me now *thinking* that she is joking and seriously regretting the conversation in the first place).
Boss: How weird will it be to look at your baby and realize that they were frozen at some point? I wonder what that will be like....

Yeah, I'm not kidding. This isn't verbatim, but you get the picture. Why oh why did I go there???? Lesson learned. I am now a side show for my boss.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Houston, We Have a Heartbeat!

Wow, that title was a way lame, overused cliche. Sorry. After a brief spotting scare (thank you Crinone gel) I got to see my little guy today. Pretty much, I begged my clinic to let me in because I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on anything else today, after seeing a bit of pink blood on the TP this morning. It wasn't a lot. It really couldn't even be called spotting. But it was enough to freak my shit out. So...apparently, you're supposed to clean yourself out when you're on Crinone gel...or it can cause irritation. Hmmmm....that's probably something that someone should have mentioned to me along the way. Like, "here's your prescriptions, here's your next appointment....and don't forget to clean that shit out of you when you're in the shower next time". I'll let it slide though.

Anyway. I'm 6 weeks, 3 days today. Is it only the infertiles who know the exact, precise length of time that they have been pregnant???? Because I'm pretty sure a "normal" person would just say that they are "six weeks pregnant". But hell no, not me. I want credit for those three extra days, damn it!

So the little guy has played a lot of catch up since last week. S/he is now measuring on track for crown-rump measurements. In fact, s/he is the size today, that my whole gestational sac was last week! Talk about a growth spurt! We saw everything....sac (of course), yolk sac and baby....and the heartbeat.

I saw that little flickering immediately. I didn't think that it would be so amazing the second time around. I mean, c'mon, been there done that...but damn. It was spectacular. Seeing that little heart beating was like going through it all for the first time again. It felt the same way. If not more spectacular because I truly never believed that I would see this baby's heart beat. And it was a strong heartbeat- 115.5 bpm, which my favorite nurse (love her) said was great for my gestation and for the baby's crown-rump length.

She could find no evidence of bleeding in my uterus, no clots or subchorionic hematomas (sp!), no free blood in there at all. I haven't had any spotting issues since that one scary wipe at 5am.

Now that I've seen the heart beat, I'm in it. I'm attached. This is our baby. I'm going to keep pushing for him/her. And God willing, we will be holding a healthy baby in 7 1/2 months time <3>

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Either Way...

Either way it's gonna hurt if I have a miscarriage. Whether I allow myself to get excited about this pregnancy or not. I really don't think there's any "protecting myself". That kind of passed a week or so ago. The longer this pregnancy goes on (and of course my ultimate hope is that it goes on for another 30+ weeks), the more attached I get. Which is kind of scary. Because I know how things can go wrong. But will it hurt any less if I keep continuously reminding myself that it is early and that anything can happen? Probably not.

So like with Alex's pregnancy, I have made the decision to celebrate the life growing within me. Whether he makes it to full-fledge baby-hood or not. It's still something to celebrate. Any life is. I'm not going to worry about the hurt or pain or the what if's. Ok....at least I'll *try* not to. Because why? Who the heck knows what will happen??? And am I just going to let myself be paranoid for the next 30+ weeks? Am I going to keep self-inflicting this worry on myself? That seems to be insanity to me.

So I'll be six weeks tomorrow :) I still have the very, very persistent thought that this baby is a boy. I mean, I'm like 90% sure. Which is odd. Because I really don't believe people can have "feelings" about this stuff. But I don't know. I just don't picture a girl. Definitely a boy. And I'd really love another girl....but I'm just not feeling it with this pregnancy. With Alex--I had no feeling one way or another. Weird.

And I feel pregnant. I have the same full feeling in my uterus that I had with Alex. I'm way more nauseous this time around too. So I'm welcoming these feelings and leaving it up to the universe in regard to what happens. Which really takes the load off, to be honest.

I saw THEE. MOST. ADORABLE onsies at The Children's Place Yesterday. Onsies for boys. OMG--was I tempted to buy one. BUT-while I am embracing this pregnancy and celebrating it-I am still a bit of a nut case about jinxing myself. So we'll save that for later.

 First day of "school" for 2012/2013

 Aunty Colleen bought Alex her own tool set--and she's totally down with it!

Love her!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The transvag.

And we have a gestational sac :) And it's not even in the fallopian tube-score! The sac was pretty gosh darn small, smaller than Alex's was at my 5 week u/s with her, but my HCG levels with her were also significantly higher by this point. So makes sense, I guess. The nurse even felt pretty sure that she saw a yolk sac too-which I totally did not expect at all-but is an extremely cool bonus.

The nurse seemed pretty positive about everything and actually warned me prior to the scan that we might not see a thing. So when we saw the gestational sac and the presumed yolk sac, she was happy and said she didn't really expect any better from an u/s at this gestation.

So we are not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination....but he's hanging in there and has gotten A LOT further than my two "really good" quality day three embryos. Can't always judge a book by its cover. So for now, I will proceed with cautious optimism.

My HCG level today was a 776, which means that my levels have been doubling every 41 hours. Not too shabby. Progesterone went up to 10 again--which apparently is good for a FET, as your ovaries don't make any progesterone as they would in a stimulated cycle.

I'm actually pretty shocked to have even been lucky enough to see anything on the u/s, as most references say that you can't see anything until your levels reach 1000-1500. So for now, we relax a little. We enjoy the here and now and celebrate the moment. If something bad happens, we deal with it later.  

I've debated about posting our u/s picture, but I don't think I will. It's kind of anti-climatic, really (for everyone else). Not much more than a little speck. Here's to hoping the little guy gets some growing on....

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

6:45am, transvaginal ultrasound.

The day of reckoning is here...obstetrical ultrasound #1 (hopefully 1 out of many more to come) is tomorrow at 6:45am. Yep, just me, the wand and a couple random nurses.

I truly have no clue how it will go. My period does not appear to be anywhere in sight and I feel vaguely nauseous every now and again. Which could totally just be my mind tricking me into thinking that I am feeling pregnancy signs. The lack of signs doesn't really freak me out that much. I felt like a million bucks for most of my pregnancy with Alex. Yeah, you're allowed to hate me for that.

So what will we see???? I reckon (getting a little Aussie now) that it's a 50/50 split. Will we see a sack? Will we see a sack with a yolk sack? Will we see nothing? Will we see nothing but my numbers are still good? Or will we see nothing and my numbers will show that it is game over?

So let's hope I get a few more answers and come out of tomorrow in less of a state of limbo.

And in other news....it was my first day back at work today after having the summer off. Ugh. Seriously...when will it get easier to leave Alex? Perhaps when she's a teenager and doesn't want me within a mile of her? Anyway, the day was hot and stuffy and the district staff meeting was focused on district statistics and the such. Oh-and some genius forgot to turn the air conditioning on in the auditorium. So we were all sweaty balls of slime by the end of the day.

I should probably "sign off" now.  I have to be OUT of the house by 6:10am at the latest for this appointment. Which means I need to wake up at 5. Which is torture for me.

 Some first day of "school" pictures.