Friday, January 25, 2013

Infertility...a Lasting Legacy

Infertility really changes things, changes the whole game. I think, when you've struggled for so long, it's hard to escape the residual worry and apprehension.

I'll admit it. I'm scared. I was scared at the beginning of this pregnancy because things were pretty touchy for awhile. Then I kind of mellowed out. Now, at two days shy of 26 weeks...I'm scared again. More scared than I was in the beginning.

I had an OB appointment today, a regular follow up. Everything looked good. Heartbeat was good, fundus was measuring appropriately, urine sample was good, blood pressure was good, weight gain has been good. Why doesn't this stop the worry? This baby has become such a person to me now. I am already envisioning her personality, based on her movements, etc. I think she's going to be the really feisty one. I feel her all the time. I know her general sleep and wake schedules. I love her already. Maybe not in the way that I love the child I have here, right now...the child I have been a parent to for three years. But I love this child. And that makes me so scared of things going wrong. It's terrifying because now, there's just so much to lose.

I just bought a beautiful bedding set today from Baby Supermall. It was very exciting, I love love love it. I had intended on being practical and using Alex's old set. But man, I could NOT resist. There's just too many cute baby items out there and, plus, this kid will have her share of hand-me-downs. She deserves her own bedding, right??!! But then I began getting really nervous. What if I'm jinxing myself? What if something happens? Then what am I going to do with all this new stuff? What if I'm being presumptuous and that makes something bad happen???? It's like all my old infertility issues and superstitions came flooding back. I felt that same old uncertainty and, while my circumstances have changed drastically, some of those feelings have stayed. And I think they might always.

They say that infertility takes the innocence away from getting pregnant. That it causes you to worry, because you know how easily things can go wrong. And you've already worked so very hard for a chance at motherhood. Sometimes it's a curse knowing as much as an infertile knows. In the beginning, you mark time by every "normal" ultrasound. Then you begin marking time by milestones (anatomy scan, viability, 28 weeks where the lungs are more mature, 30 weeks, etc....). It stinks to just wish a pregnancy over. But I do. I want to hold this baby girl safely in my arms. Where I can touch her, where I can see her breathing.

And hearing horror stories does not help. Thanks mom. She called me up a few weeks ago to tell me that a close high school friend (we've since lost touch), went in for a routine appointment at 26 or 28 weeks and the baby had no heartbeat. She was induced that night. I. Can't. Imagine. I mean, I know that horrible stuff happens. But to hear about it happening to someone who was once a close friend.....just horrid.

So I'm going to have to find a way to cope with this fear. I know it won't go away. I guess it's part of motherhood. And it's part of motherhood after being infertile. It's part of who I am. All I can do is pray. Pray for this little one to be born safely. Pray that we are a family of four soon, and that we remain that way for 70+ more years.....

The bedding set that I chose, that made me all nervous....

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Tomorrow. The Big 2-4

Tomorrow marks a pretty important milestone (probably mostly in my mind). I will be 24 weeks tomorrow. Doesn't really sound like a super important date, does it? Not like 30 weeks or 20 weeks....the major ones. But 24 weeks is pretty darn important.

We are at the edge of viability this week. Meaning, if this baby (God forbid. Please don't let it happen!) was born at 24 weeks, she would have about a 50% chance of surviving. Now, no one in their right mind would be happy to have a 24 weeker. The chances of something going wrong are still **tremendous**. Not to mention, if the baby did survive-there's a huge possibility of disabilities. But still. Twenty Four weeks is considered viability. That means that everyday my baby girl is safely in my womb, her chances of survival go up each day by 3-4%. At something like 28 weeks, survival is up to 90%. She's getting stronger and healthier. I think that's pretty damn amazing.

Now, having said all this....I'm sending up a prayer to God for our little girl to stay safely in me until at least 37 weeks <3 p="p">
In other news. My friend T just found out she's having a healthy baby girl! T is only 13 1/2 weeks pregnant and, at 43 years old with no husband or significant other, went to my clinic to try to get pregnant with donor sperm and her own eggs. She was on the verge of giving up after 3 or 4 IVF cycles. She had never seen a positive test, never had any frozen left over. Well-she got pregnant! She has since graduated back to the OB (she's using mine) and they gave her a new blood test (Maternity 21 I believe it is called) which can detect all the trisonomies (sp).  Anyway-the baby came back with a clean bill of health and they were able to determine that she's a she! T is over and above the moon! I'm so happy for her. She's had it rough in the past with taking in a foster baby at 6 weeks, only to lose him to his drug addled parents at one year (yeah, because that's how our system works). She will be a wonderful mother. And she lives about 5 minutes from my house. So there will hopefully be a lot of play dates in our future.

Our little girl is moving up a storm. I love feeling it. I think I feel more this time around because my placenta is not anterior. We are about 80% set on the name Hayden. Now we just need to decide on a middle name. I like Hayden Olivia, because I think it flows nicely. Dan isn't so sure. Some of our other options are Hayden Caroline, Hayden Daniella and Hayden Adria (Adria for Dan's grandfather who passed the day before we found out we were pregnant. His name was Adrianus. But we are not going there, lol). Any thoughts on the middle name?

We probably won't think about doing anything with the nursery until the end of February. Dan's sister, husband and their little boy will be coming to visit from Australia for two weeks in February. So they will need to use the guest room/baby's room-to-be. Not to mention, we might need to temporarily move Alex to the guest bedroom too, as we are having some water leakage issues in the closet of her room...which means a new sub flooring and replacing the carpet. Ugh. So yeah. This baby might not have a room until she is six months old! I'm trying to not let it bug me. It's not important in the scheme of things. But I just like having things set.

Anyway...I continue to pray that this baby will be born safely and be healthy and normal. I never truly relax until the baby is in my arms.