Friday, January 25, 2013

Infertility...a Lasting Legacy

Infertility really changes things, changes the whole game. I think, when you've struggled for so long, it's hard to escape the residual worry and apprehension.

I'll admit it. I'm scared. I was scared at the beginning of this pregnancy because things were pretty touchy for awhile. Then I kind of mellowed out. Now, at two days shy of 26 weeks...I'm scared again. More scared than I was in the beginning.

I had an OB appointment today, a regular follow up. Everything looked good. Heartbeat was good, fundus was measuring appropriately, urine sample was good, blood pressure was good, weight gain has been good. Why doesn't this stop the worry? This baby has become such a person to me now. I am already envisioning her personality, based on her movements, etc. I think she's going to be the really feisty one. I feel her all the time. I know her general sleep and wake schedules. I love her already. Maybe not in the way that I love the child I have here, right now...the child I have been a parent to for three years. But I love this child. And that makes me so scared of things going wrong. It's terrifying because now, there's just so much to lose.

I just bought a beautiful bedding set today from Baby Supermall. It was very exciting, I love love love it. I had intended on being practical and using Alex's old set. But man, I could NOT resist. There's just too many cute baby items out there and, plus, this kid will have her share of hand-me-downs. She deserves her own bedding, right??!! But then I began getting really nervous. What if I'm jinxing myself? What if something happens? Then what am I going to do with all this new stuff? What if I'm being presumptuous and that makes something bad happen???? It's like all my old infertility issues and superstitions came flooding back. I felt that same old uncertainty and, while my circumstances have changed drastically, some of those feelings have stayed. And I think they might always.

They say that infertility takes the innocence away from getting pregnant. That it causes you to worry, because you know how easily things can go wrong. And you've already worked so very hard for a chance at motherhood. Sometimes it's a curse knowing as much as an infertile knows. In the beginning, you mark time by every "normal" ultrasound. Then you begin marking time by milestones (anatomy scan, viability, 28 weeks where the lungs are more mature, 30 weeks, etc....). It stinks to just wish a pregnancy over. But I do. I want to hold this baby girl safely in my arms. Where I can touch her, where I can see her breathing.

And hearing horror stories does not help. Thanks mom. She called me up a few weeks ago to tell me that a close high school friend (we've since lost touch), went in for a routine appointment at 26 or 28 weeks and the baby had no heartbeat. She was induced that night. I. Can't. Imagine. I mean, I know that horrible stuff happens. But to hear about it happening to someone who was once a close friend.....just horrid.

So I'm going to have to find a way to cope with this fear. I know it won't go away. I guess it's part of motherhood. And it's part of motherhood after being infertile. It's part of who I am. All I can do is pray. Pray for this little one to be born safely. Pray that we are a family of four soon, and that we remain that way for 70+ more years.....

The bedding set that I chose, that made me all nervous....

1 comment:

  1. I wish there wasn't any truth to the thought that infertility takes away the innocence of getting pregnant, but unfortunately it at times does replaces something beautiful with drudgery. With my work at an egg bank, I've seen both the bad and the good. I truly hope that all goes well and you're able to bring your baby to term.