Saturday, April 21, 2012

Tori. Freaking. Spelling

Read it and weep:

Seriously. Seriously??!!

First of all. I've had a baby. I know how the immediate aftermath feels "down there". Basically, ripped to shreds. 'Aint no way I would have even considered sex for longer than a nano second.

Secondly. She gets pregnant while exclusively breastfeeding? Damn. Those are some hardy eggs that she's rocking.

Thirdly. Pregnant when her last baby is a month old??!! Where is the fairness in the world? A month. FOUR WEEKS. Just to be clear...that's 28 measly days. Me, I was stimming for like 28 days last time. NOT the same thing. At all.

Tori freaking Spelling. Never liked her. But that goes way back to the 90210 days. Donna Martin was a big 'ol whiny pants.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I Have a "Gift"

So I have a gift. A sixth sense, if you will. A talent-useless as it may be.

Ok. It's really a curse--and still very much useless.

I can spot a pregnant person from a mile away. I swear. And I don't mean a seven month gigantore...I'm talking like a 6 week pregnant woman who hasn't told anyone except her husband. I'm serious. It's creepy.

Take today as a case in point. My friend, Laura, walked into my other friend, Nicole's classroom. She's been trying to get pregnant for about 10 months now with her second child. Laura and I have taken to lamenting about fertility and our crappy ovaries. I took one look at her and *I knew*. I just did. I don't know why...sixth sense. I said, "you're pregnant aren't you". She looked at me all wide eyed and innocent and tried to deny it. It was no use. The sixth sense had kicked in. She's currently six weeks. There goes my "misery loves company" buddy. Man, do the dynamics change fast when that sort of thing happens!

Then there was my other work friend last year. We were at lunch, talking about nothing special. I noticed that she was eating *really well* food from every single food group. I don't know why this caused me pause, as she normally is fairly healthy....but I just. knew. And she was only about six weeks too.

So there you go. Everyone has a talent at something. Mine just happens to cause me torment. And is useless. And is kind of creepy. Oh, and to top the day off, I got another invite to a baby shower and a Facebook "friend" just posted pictures of her 2 hour old baby girl. So, I'm thinking that it's time to call today quits. You gotta know when to give in. And right now, my bed and a book are calling my name.

 Our first 90 degree day since last summer!!! Yes-the cardigan did come off quickly!
Check out the knee socks...I wish that I could get away with wearing heart knee socks

Monday, April 16, 2012

Baby Showers.

Baby Showers. The scourge of all infertiles. How do we get through them? Why do we go to them?

And yet, at my baby shower, I know of at least one woman (my cousin who has since had IVF boy/girl twins) who was dealing with infertility. I wonder if there were any more? I wonder how many more? There's a damn ton of us, it seems.

But baby showers aren't all bad for me. I tend to feel wistful, hopeful. And a little sad. Bittersweet about sums it up. As a planner, they get me thinking about how I would do things, what I would buy. As a woman, they get me to thinking about going through pregnancy again, adding to our family. As a fallible human, showers lead me to realize how pissed off I am that I can't have a baby the "normal" way.  The idea of an "accident"-bahahahahaha...what a laugh. It's especially funny when I think of ALL the years I spent trying to prevent pregnancy. Ok. So I am still bitter. But I did *mostly* enjoy my friend's baby shower. Yes, I had to look at diapers filled with melted candy bars. Yes, I had to sit with women that I did not know and who had the personalities of bread sticks. BUT...the food was damn good! And so I filled up.

And my friend...she went through her own baby making struggles. So it was nice to see her at the point she is at: uncomfortable and cranky. And happy about it. But, alas, I am jealous. And have no right to be. What else is new? At least I accept the emotion for what it is-**transient** Because, one day, it will be my turn again. And this will all be a memory. One specific, finite time in my life. Knock on wood.

 Trying out her wheels from Auntie Jill

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Don't Get Stoned.

Ohhhhhhhhhh lord! Let me tell you this one.

At our follow up talk, Dr. G (who seems to enjoy a good joke, but isn't so good at actually making them) was filled in on my whole kidney stone issue. So he goes on to say how calling them stones was "funny" because, in reality, they are tiny little flecks of calcified something or other. I don't like to think about what the stones actually are because it's probably gross. Anyway, in reality, they are tiny. Although they hurt like a %@%$@$$@!

So the whole time, Dr. G is making jokes about "getting stoned". I mean, this happened multiple times in our conversation. See what I mean about having a good sense of humor, but sucking at actually *making* jokes?

Now I'm getting to the clincher: Our appointment is over. Dr. G gets up to leave. He opens the door. In front of the door is basically a nurse's station (a counter top really). And at this station was about five nurses.

So upon opening the door, he says to us "Ok now. Remember, don't get stoned anymore".

I'm not kidding. This is what he said. Verbatim.

The door was open. All the nurses stopped, turned around and GAWKED at us.

Dr. G, being a slightly clueless, hippy genius is completely clueless about what he said and that the nurses would NOT have understood the context.

So he says, very innocently: "Wow, I opened the door and you all turned to look at me. That's cool".

Seriously. Not making this up.

I wanted to slap myself on the forehead.

Duh. They're looking at me because they are thinking that I am getting baked before and after each appointment. Awesome.

Of course, Dan was pretty much keeled over with laughter.

Can't imagine what's going around that office. So I tried to act extra dignified upon leaving. You know, so NO ONE could possibly believe I was stoned. Ever try acting dignified? Yeah. It's hard. Like a drunk person trying to act sober.

So that was the close to our appointment. I have to admit though. It was kind of funny.

Follow Up Talk

Yesterday we had our "follow up" talk with one of the RE's at our clinic. He's a nice guy. Very optimistic about our situation. Which made me feel more optimistic. Actually, it was a good appointment. His optimism was kind of contagious and I felt pretty good about things. Which is good because I've kind of been feeling grumpy about all things fertility related.

So upon beginning the appointment, the first thing that blurted out of my mouth was: "Do I have bad eggs"? Nothing like cutting to the chase. No formalities here. No chit chat. I was on a mission.

Dr. G seemed a little startled by the rather abrupt start to the meeting. He thought about my question and was like "Well yeah. I guess you do...but you have A LOT of eggs so just statistically speaking, you have good ones as well". Ok. That makes sense. Of course I wanted to hear that I have perfect specimen eggs, but I'll take that-given my sheer volume of eggs-some MUST be good. He went on to highlight my abnormally, ridiculously high ovarian reserve. So hey-we've got something going for us! Hey said, and I'm being serious, that we need to find the "valedictorian" of my eggs. He's a quirky dude. And damn PCOS for corrupting my eggs and making them low level achievers.

Soooooooo.....the plan is that I get clearance from my urologist on May 7th (my next follow up appointment) for the whole kidney stone issue. And by getting clearance-I mean that I *hope* to get clearance. Mr. Personality-my urologist-told me that sometimes these things take awhile to resolve. But let's think positively for now. Anyway, *if* I get clearance....I will do a my frozen embryo transfer in May, shooting for the end of May as being the transfer date. I wasn't sure about doing the transfer, as I only have one blastocyst that was fair grade, but Dr. G felt strongly that we should go ahead with it. He reiterated what I already know-some outwardly beautiful embryos are the *most* genetically flawed, while the ones that don't look outwardly perfect have all the *magical* genetic components to make a beautiful baby. You just don't know. AND apparently there is a 95-97% success rate for thawing at my clinic. And the way I think about it, if my poor little embryo doesn't survive the BIG THAW, then s/he wouldn't have made it anyway. So there's not much to lose.

But I'm not hanging all my hopes on a solitary little embryo. If it doesn't work, we plan to go out birth control pills until August to strengthen my eggs, and then do a fresh cycle. Heck-we leave for Australia for a month at the end of June, so that works perfectly with our already established plan.

We left feeling good. And that's important. We had our questions answered. Yes. I have crappy eggs. But gosh darn it-there's a lot of them! And it only takes one. We created a plan and I'm a BIG plan person. After the appointment, I had to go to Babies R Us to buy my friend a baby shower gift. I didn't even mind! Had I gone prior to that appointment, it probably would have really bugged me. Incidentally, my friend having the baby also has PCOS and tried to get preggo for quite awhile. She, however, was one of the "lucky" women who got pregnant through the use of Metformin alone. I had thought that was just a urban legend hitting all the PCOS chat forums.  So guess who has two fingers and is jealous? Yep. This girl here.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tick Tock

And what have we encountered in our quest for baby number two? Another roadblock :( It seems like, in some ways-logistically-things are harder this time around. Our plans seem to keep getting pushed back, and it's kind of disheartening...

So why the setback? My kidneys. Or rather, my issue with kidney stones possibly causing blockages. My urologist *thinks* I've passed the stone that landed me in the hospital with a kidney infection...but without a CT scan, he cannot be sure. And he doesn't want to order another CT scan because I'm young and want to have more children and he's worried about the radiation levels. Ok. Fair enough. Glad he's looking at the bigger picture.

However, apparently he saw another stone in my right kidney. It's small...but he may want to take it out before I get pregnant. Basically, he's worried about me getting pregnant, having a kidney stone which could possibly cause a blockage and end up with a big bad kidney infection. Which could get nasty, especially if I were to be preggo. So. I don't know what's happening. Also, my right kidney is still a little swollen-probably from the infection. So that's not back to normal yet either. **sigh**

Basically, the guy wants to be sure that I am stone free before getting pregnant. I have no idea how long that will take. I have a renal scan to look for stones on May 1st and a follow up May 7th. I'm praying things come back normal. We were really hoping to do a FET at the end of May-I'm still cautiously optimistic that we can still do it. We weren't planning another fresh cycle until August, once back from that part hasn't really been delayed.

Meanwhile...tick tock tick tock. That's all I hear. I feel such internal pressure to have another baby, to give Alex a sibling. Lately, I just can't get rid of the thought that Alex is getting older and time is marching on....I just really don't want a huge age gap. I would love for my children to be close, to play together, to fight over toys and the TV. Now I feel like it's all a big question mark.

By the way, we have our consult tomorrow with one of the RE's at the clinic to talk about a protocol for next time. We'll see what he says.....

Back To Reality.

We're back. That week in Florida went WAY too fast! But vacations always do, of course. We had a fantastic, fabulous, stupendous time! Man...I could get used to living somewhere tropical-sun, palm trees, sand, water. Why we live in the north east, I do not always know. It's gray, rainy, cold....expensive. *Sigh*

Anyway-we did have a great time and got to spend most of Easter with my parents, as we didn't fly home until about 5:30 in the evening. We went to the beach two times, to the pool multiple times, to the zoo, to the water park a few times. We really fit a lot in. Alex was an endless source of amusement for my parents...but I have a feeling they slept for an entire day after we left.

So back to reality. Work is "meh". This is my busiest time of year with annual reviews, reevaluations due and initial evaluations. What does this entail for me, you ask? Lots and lots and lots of report writing and paperwork. Ten-and-a-half weeks until summer vacation!!!! And now for some pics...

 At the water park

 Alex and I swimming

 Back at my parent's place

 Beachin' it

 Swimming on "her own"

 She loved loved loved the surf

Easter Pictures:
 Coloring eggs with Noni

 She found her basket!

 Showing off some of the loot

 All dressed up and ready for Easter brunch

At brunch! Check out the view

Annnnnnd....she discovered bacon

Sunday, April 1, 2012

And We're Off...

Leaving for Florida today! Fort parents are snow birds and have a place there for the winter.  My wish is that we ALL stay healthy for this trip-been a rough six weeks! We are very excited though-and Alex is walking around saying "going to Flor-dAH". She's excited too, even if she doesn't really know what she's talking about, lol. Alex has apparently developed an aversion to bathing suits. I know the feeling. Every time I try one on her, she screams like I'm jabbing pins into her. So we've been working on that-talking about bathing suits, how mommy and daddy and Alex have to wear them if we want to swim. Like I do at work with some of my students, I even made a social story. Man-I'm that parent.

So we will be doing a lot of lazing, pool-going, beach-bumming, water park-visiting....and perhaps I'll even fit in some reading? Nah-probably not.