Sunday, August 26, 2012

14 DPO and Beta Tomorrow....

But I don't need the beta to tell me what I already know: that this is not going to be a good, healthy pregnancy. In fact, I'm pretty positive now that it is a chemical pregnancy. I tested today and the line was lighter than yesterday's, and possibly even lighter than the first line I ever got. So I'm not quite emotionally ready to call this cycle a failure yet (at least not until I get my beta results tomorrow), but in my heart I know that we will be moving on to a fresh IVF cycle next month.

How am I feeling? Good question. I don't know. Earlier in the day I was up at camp and so busy with Alex that I thought I was ok. I mean, I really was kind of expecting it--especially knowing the quality of my embryo. Now I just feel kind of defeated. A weary disappointment, a vague sadness. Not even enough to make me cry. It's a strange feeling. Hard to put my finger on the words to describe it. I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll feel better after a good sleep. I know myself, and I always feel weepy when I'm overtired.

You know what else is really weird? I kind of had this extra affinity for that embryo. I mean, he was the underdog. He was the one left over from my two "really good looking" embryo's. He was my scrappy, survivor. Heck-I decided he was a he. I kind of just feel bad that he won't grow into a baby, won't exist. I don't remember feeling that way for my other two embies. Maybe it's because this one survived long enough to implant, even though he wasn't looking so pretty to begin with. I don't know. The little guy was pretty tough though.

So there you have it. Birth control pills and ovary suppression here I come. Should be a barrel of laughs.


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