Thursday, August 23, 2012

Well Shit Just Aint Fair

I should be used to it by now, right? I mean it has happened over and over and over again? Happens all the time. Women getting pregnant before me who began trying WAY after me. It's just an unfairness that I am going to have to reconcile, for my sanity and everyone else's in my life.

If you can't tell by the opening tone of this post, I've had a tough morning. Which can't be a good sign seeing as it is only 9:16. Anyway, pregnancy test numero dos was a big fat failure today, at 11 dpo/6dp5dt. Again, I know it's early. But c'mon...throw me a bone here. And it's not that early either. If it's a negative tomorrow, I'll be about 90% sure that I'm out. Bring on the birth control next cycle--gotta gear up for another month of hell a fresh cycle. At least the birth control might bring some of my PCOS symptoms to their knees. That's a happy thought. Fecking PCOS. I hate you.

Anyway--now back to what made my morning especially bad. Because, apparently a negative test wasn't enough. So when I was pregnant with Alex, I was understandably over the moon and wanted to share every tiny (often time boring to others) detail with people. So I joined a forum for women pregnant with Jan/Feb 2010 babies. I haven't been on that forum in several months but still keep up with them on FB. They are a great group of women, but almost all of them have gone on to have second or even third babies by now. This, of course, makes my life hard, lol. It brings me right back to where I was emotionally before having Alex...feeling left behind while my friends begin their families. It's a shitty feeling. Anyway, another woman has announced her pregnancy and while I'm happy for her-I'm sad for myself. Sad that my body doesn't work the "normal" way. Sad that I'll never have an "accident" or view a positive pregnancy test with unbridled joy. No....there will always be that shadow of worry looming, no matter how dark my second line.

So there you go. Thank God for having Alex. I got a little down yesterday. But then I had to pick her up from daycare and she was in the back seat chatting with all her stuffed animals and making them talk back to her and I couldn't help smile. She does make this process worlds easier.


  1. That sucks, I'm sorry! It's not fair, my husband says I sound like a kid when I say that but I agree with you, it's not. Hang in there!

  2. I'm sorry it was negative today : (