Thursday, March 17, 2011

Feeling Some Old Feelings...

I don't even know where to begin. I've already erased the first draft of this post.

I want a baby. I want to give Alexandra the gift of a sibling. I am so afraid that we will be unable to "finish" our family...well, finish it the way we have envisioned it to be. All the infertility worry and doubt is beginning to settle in. I wondered how it would feel, going through all of this the second time. I often wondered if it would be as intense as going through it the first time.

And for now, the answer for myself is...yes and no. Yes, it is *as* intense in that the instinct/need/desire (whatever you call it) to mother a second child is so very strong. And the possibility of not being able to do so brings up all the buried feelings and inadequacies that I had experienced before.

And no because when it's all said and done, I'm still in the role that I have desired since I was a child-that of a mom. I have my baby girl to care for and love. I am blessed to have the life and family I have, to be experiencing parenthood. And when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I can hold Alex, or watch her play and that fills me with purpose and I can continue to revel in my role as "mom".

It's such a confusing dichotomy. To want something again, so much, that it hurts. But to, in some ways, already have what you want. To tell you the truth, I am unprepared for these feelings. I used to pray just to have one child. Now I pray for another. Am I being greedy? I'm just a big jumble of confusing emotions: I am so eternally grateful that my prayers have been answered that I almost feel guilty over wanting a second child. I feel like my dream has come true. My ultimate dream. How can I want more? I was kind of ready for an onslaught of emotions when we began thinking about trying for number two. I was prepared for sadness and frustration and anger...but not for this guilt. What is going on here???

Alexandra at a friend's St. Paddy's brunch, sporting her "Kiss me, I'm 1/8 Irish shirt"


  1. Oh how i completely understand all these emotions- but I am sure you already know that :) You are NOT being greedy. You can want and try for as MANY kids as you want and you are NOT greedy. No one would say that to someone who was TTC naturally.

    It has happened for you with Alex, a healthy pregnancy and child, the odds are in your favor that it will happen for you again. We are in this together girl!! I am here to cheer you on, just like you have been doing for me :) It will happen for you sweetie. Hang in there and try not to worry!

  2. Thanks Melissa :) It is so confusing when you feel these feelings and know they aren't logical...but you can't turn them off.

    I guess I just feel guilty about wanting a second child when I prayed for "just one". But you are SO right....a "typical" women would probably not have those feelings.

    I'm rooting for you!!! Can't wait to see what this month brings for you...third times a charm!