The In-Between

Today was probably my hardest day, in terms of feeling down about my "infertile" status, since Alexandra was born. Today, I found out that my friend from work is pregnant with her second child. Her first child is about three months younger than Alex. That was the big blow. So yeah, I kind of am feeling that competitive thing. Like-my kid is older...I should be first to get pregnant again!

It's funny how things are so different, yet so similar this second time around. Before we had Alex, I would always compare myself to other women: "They've been married half the time we have and they are on to baby #3" or "Little Tony is a honeymoon baby". So things have changed, but maybe not as much as I originally had thought.

What's more frustrating is that I am stuck in "waiting" mode...or the "in-between" as I view it. I feel like I am waiting on so many different things at the moment: waiting on summer vacation so I can be with my family full time, waiting to go back to our fertility clinic, waiting to possibly sell our house and buy another house, waiting to complete our family etc., etc. So yes, waiting is hard...but I try to remind myself that I am lucky that I have so many great things to wait for.

But...I'm not good at waiting. I'm impatient. I like action. I like plans. I hate feeling like I'm not doing anything. I hate feeling like things are on hold. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. And I hate being afraid of what might not happen. I just have to try to keep everything in perspective. We have our child. As long as she is happy, safe and healthy...that's all that really matters. We'll figure things out beyond that. But its gotta be cathartic to throw myself a pity party once in awhile, right?  ;)

 Love this picture. Alex looks like she's had a long day of mowing the grass and she's had enough! Drink in hand and everything!

I Wonder If Anyone Else Feels This Way?

This is kind of a secondary infertility/ttc #2+ thing but...

Lately I have been feeling a little bit guilty when I think about having another child. I've mostly worked through my guilt over wanting another baby when I had originally prayed to "Just have one healthy child". Now my guilt is about adding another baby to the family. Right now, Alexandra is the center of everything. She gets all the attention. I *know* that giving her a sibling would be an absolute gift-despite the various fights and arguments that will inevitably arise. I also think that it would be good for her to have a sibling as far as learning life lessons (to share, to compromise, etc.)...and I also want her to have a "life partner" of sorts. Someone she can travel through life with and be best friends with. And lets face it, Alex can't stay the absolute focus of everyone's attention for her whole life. That isn't healthy either.

So yes, I know all of these things. I, in my heart, feel that our family is not complete yet. But when I think about bringing a new baby home, my heart hurts a little bit for Alex because I know she will feel confused and will not understand why mom can't attend to her every need. So yeah-these feelings are a BIG surprise. I think the fact that we are getting so close to going back to our RE is bringing some of this up. The prospect of having another baby is thrilling, but a little bit scary too. I know that I really shouldn't be getting ahead of myself-since actually *getting* pregnant is not a sure thing for us. But still...I just wonder how it will be?

 Trying out her Hot Wheels for the first time!

 She's a big fan!

 My sister's new puppy, Nico

Having some of the family over for dinner

An oldie: one of my best friends and I. I was looking through old pictures and came across this. She was a rock when I was going through fertility treatments.

Feeling Some Old Feelings...

I don't even know where to begin. I've already erased the first draft of this post.

I want a baby. I want to give Alexandra the gift of a sibling. I am so afraid that we will be unable to "finish" our family...well, finish it the way we have envisioned it to be. All the infertility worry and doubt is beginning to settle in. I wondered how it would feel, going through all of this the second time. I often wondered if it would be as intense as going through it the first time.

And for now, the answer for myself is...yes and no. Yes, it is *as* intense in that the instinct/need/desire (whatever you call it) to mother a second child is so very strong. And the possibility of not being able to do so brings up all the buried feelings and inadequacies that I had experienced before.

And no because when it's all said and done, I'm still in the role that I have desired since I was a child-that of a mom. I have my baby girl to care for and love. I am blessed to have the life and family I have, to be experiencing parenthood. And when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I can hold Alex, or watch her play and that fills me with purpose and I can continue to revel in my role as "mom".

It's such a confusing dichotomy. To want something again, so much, that it hurts. But to, in some ways, already have what you want. To tell you the truth, I am unprepared for these feelings. I used to pray just to have one child. Now I pray for another. Am I being greedy? I'm just a big jumble of confusing emotions: I am so eternally grateful that my prayers have been answered that I almost feel guilty over wanting a second child. I feel like my dream has come true. My ultimate dream. How can I want more? I was kind of ready for an onslaught of emotions when we began thinking about trying for number two. I was prepared for sadness and frustration and anger...but not for this guilt. What is going on here???

Alexandra at a friend's St. Paddy's brunch, sporting her "Kiss me, I'm 1/8 Irish shirt"