Monday, May 16, 2011

The In-Between

Today was probably my hardest day, in terms of feeling down about my "infertile" status, since Alexandra was born. Today, I found out that my friend from work is pregnant with her second child. Her first child is about three months younger than Alex. That was the big blow. So yeah, I kind of am feeling that competitive thing. Like-my kid is older...I should be first to get pregnant again!

It's funny how things are so different, yet so similar this second time around. Before we had Alex, I would always compare myself to other women: "They've been married half the time we have and they are on to baby #3" or "Little Tony is a honeymoon baby". So things have changed, but maybe not as much as I originally had thought.

What's more frustrating is that I am stuck in "waiting" mode...or the "in-between" as I view it. I feel like I am waiting on so many different things at the moment: waiting on summer vacation so I can be with my family full time, waiting to go back to our fertility clinic, waiting to possibly sell our house and buy another house, waiting to complete our family etc., etc. So yes, waiting is hard...but I try to remind myself that I am lucky that I have so many great things to wait for.

But...I'm not good at waiting. I'm impatient. I like action. I like plans. I hate feeling like I'm not doing anything. I hate feeling like things are on hold. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. And I hate being afraid of what might not happen. I just have to try to keep everything in perspective. We have our child. As long as she is happy, safe and healthy...that's all that really matters. We'll figure things out beyond that. But its gotta be cathartic to throw myself a pity party once in awhile, right?  ;)

 Love this picture. Alex looks like she's had a long day of mowing the grass and she's had enough! Drink in hand and everything!

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