For those of you whom have yet to meet your babies....this probably all sounds really sappy and it may be hard to read. But please know that we were in your foot steps. I secretly felt like we would never get pregnant. I could not FATHOM my body doing anything correctly such as actually creating a baby, much less carrying and nurturing that baby. I was so used to my body failing me. I really began to doubt my capacity to conceive a baby and to actually make that baby into a healthy human being. It's so very difficult to think positively when you are let down time and time again. And if you are like me, not having control of anything drives you extra bonkers! And sometimes still, I doubt that my body could actually do it all again. But guess what...doubt is normal! Fear is normal! But just because you doubt whether you can actually do it, does not mean you can't! I still look back and am sometimes shocked that it happened for us, that this is our life.
I'm proud to be a mother. But I also carry around a little bit of secret pride that I do not talk about very often. I struggled for a chance to have a baby. I cried. I screamed. I raged when we failed. I went through emotional and physical pain. I endured things that I never thought I would have to endure. If it weren't for my husband, I'm not sure I could have handled it all. There were times that I became so angry at the unfairness of it all, I just wanted to give up and say F*^% you to the world. But I didn't. I kept going. And we got there. So yes, I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of my husband, and I'm proud of all the women who are struggling for their chance to be a mother and find a way to make it happen-even if that way is different from what they had originally expected. It makes me realize how tough we are. We infertiles have grit. And grit and resiliency are damned good things to have in this world. You will get there, one way or another...just keep going!