Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I've Come Out Of The (Infertility) Closet.

I did it. It was really kind of scary and awkward. I came out of the closet. And on Facebook no less. Am I freaking out of my mind? Why would I want people knowing my bid-ness?

So it started because a friend who sees the same specialist I did called and told me that Dr. K put my fertility story on the front "page" of his website as "Featured Fertility Success Story-July 2013". Go me.

It was a short article I wrote shortly after Hayden was born about some of my struggles, and how I was sure my FET was going to be a failure. But lo and behold...I had/have a fighter on my hands and she is currently in her swing drooling quietly :)

Anyway, it's on the opening page of his website. Which is pretty cool. I hope some women, searching for hope, read it and feel good about proceeding with a FET...because I really had thought it was going to be a dead end.

So after thinking about things and being really nervous and awkward feeling....I posted a link to the story on my Facebook for all friends/acquaintances/frenemies to see. And then I kicked myself about a second after. WTF? What was I thinking? No one wants to read about this. Now I'm going to be that "over-sharing" girl. But whatever. If it helps anyone on my friend list, it will be worth it, right? Right? Infertility is such a damn lonely road to travel. That's the hardest part. The isolation. The feeling that everyone is moving on with their lives without you. And you're stuck. You can't move forward with everyone else, but you can't go backward to the young and crazy years. It's so hard. And it's such a taboo subject.

But I understand why people don't talk about it. I can't blame them at all. It took every ounce of gumption for me to post the article. Because it contained my raw feelings. Written for my specialist's website, where people would understand. It was not an article I "sanitized" for Facebook. It's hard being vulnerable. So people don't talk about it and I get it. I didn't talk about it then. I didn't talk about it when I was going through it because the last thing I wanted to see on people's faces was pity. That's what I couldn't handle. I didn't want to be the family gossip (all well intentioned, of course)-where people whisper behind their hands "Oh yeah...I've heard that Amanda is having 'trouble'".

Beating infertility, having both my girls is what finally made it ok to talk about my struggles. And it's still hard. I still feel shame, despite knowing that I should never be ashamed. And my struggles brought me my girls.

So I hope it helps someone...or someone that someone knows. I've already have had a few private messages from friends who went through similar things. And I just had no idea. But why would I? It's still so surprising to hear of your acquaintances and friends going through treatments, even though I know that it is a much more common problem than people realize.

I've really had a lot of support stemming from that post. But it's so funny, people's perspectives. I've had a few refer to how "brave" I am. While that's a nice comment....there's really nothing brave about going through treatments. You do what you have to do when it's the only choice you have. You just do what you have to do.


  1. I didn't see it on your Facebook. Can you link the article here??

  2. Weird...go to my FB page....or check out Dr. K's website. Kind of hesitant to share personal information here....