If I Didn't Have PCOS...

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to struggle to have a baby
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have had a miscarriage
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have to shave and/or pluck hair from places that hair shouldn't be
If I didn't have PCOS...I might not have to constantly struggle with maintaining my weight
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to take a daily shot to make myself ovulate
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have gone through the trauma of a doctor telling me that I may never get pregnant (at 14 no less)
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had to carry around the knowledge, the burden (for years) that I may never conceive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of failing to achieve my heart's greatest desire
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the excruciating pain of an HSG
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never experienced the degree of depression that I went through
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have felt the pain and unfairness of friends and relatives leaving me behind in beginning their families
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have missed several days of work to be monitored and get ultrasounds
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have had the experience of getting a phone call saying my blood test was negative-and falling apart for the rest of the day

If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have found an inner strength to keep going, to keep pushing on, to work so hard for something I dearly want
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood the true value of faith
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have the empathy to help friends in similar situations, to make it slightly more bearable for them
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not be as good at my job. While others' pain may not be from the same source, I can still better understand the depth of their pain.
If I didn't have PCOS...I wouldn't have been as humbled, I wouldn't have understood some of the physical limits that come with being an imperfect human
If I didn't have PCOS...my relationship with my husband might not have been so tested. And I might never have realized how wonderful he is, and how I want to be the best person I can be for him.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may have never realized how strong our marriage is-and what it can survive.
If I didn't have PCOS...I may not have understood how truly miraculous my daughter's birth was, and how truly blessed we are to have her here with us

If I didn't have PCOS...Alexandra may have not been here. I would have had another baby. A different baby. A baby whom I would have loved with all my heart. But not the baby I have now, the child that we were "meant" to have. The child who was meant to be in this world. Alexandra is my constant reminder that things work out for a reason, even when it seems as though all odds are against you. I take comfort in this, because I love her so much. Things are as they should be. I pray that she will continue to grow strong and healthy. And I am privileged to be her mother.

I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for my PCOS, but I'm feeling more at peace with myself. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is one of mine. I pray for peace in our up-coming journey through the world of medical assistance for a second time. Whatever the outcome, I pray for strength and faith, and to never lose sight of the blessings that have already been granted to me, despite whatever new struggle I am in.

Feeling Some Old Feelings...

I don't even know where to begin. I've already erased the first draft of this post.

I want a baby. I want to give Alexandra the gift of a sibling. I am so afraid that we will be unable to "finish" our family...well, finish it the way we have envisioned it to be. All the infertility worry and doubt is beginning to settle in. I wondered how it would feel, going through all of this the second time. I often wondered if it would be as intense as going through it the first time.

And for now, the answer for myself is...yes and no. Yes, it is *as* intense in that the instinct/need/desire (whatever you call it) to mother a second child is so very strong. And the possibility of not being able to do so brings up all the buried feelings and inadequacies that I had experienced before.

And no because when it's all said and done, I'm still in the role that I have desired since I was a child-that of a mom. I have my baby girl to care for and love. I am blessed to have the life and family I have, to be experiencing parenthood. And when I'm having a particularly difficult day, I can hold Alex, or watch her play and that fills me with purpose and I can continue to revel in my role as "mom".

It's such a confusing dichotomy. To want something again, so much, that it hurts. But to, in some ways, already have what you want. To tell you the truth, I am unprepared for these feelings. I used to pray just to have one child. Now I pray for another. Am I being greedy? I'm just a big jumble of confusing emotions: I am so eternally grateful that my prayers have been answered that I almost feel guilty over wanting a second child. I feel like my dream has come true. My ultimate dream. How can I want more? I was kind of ready for an onslaught of emotions when we began thinking about trying for number two. I was prepared for sadness and frustration and anger...but not for this guilt. What is going on here???

Alexandra at a friend's St. Paddy's brunch, sporting her "Kiss me, I'm 1/8 Irish shirt"