SO Blah.

Well, the title about sums up what this post is going to be like. If you don't want to be privy to my pity party, I suggest you stop reading.

I'm not even going to try to be entertaining. I feel so "blah". It's like I have all this numbness and disappointment and jealousy all rolled up into a ball-which is sitting on my chest.

I'm sick of thinking about babies. Of wanting babies. Why can't I be content with one? I'm sick of seeing other people have babies. Last week, my friend had her baby-a boy. Then another girl-a friend from high school who I only have contact with through FB--she had her second baby. I didn't even know she was pregnant!

I have a baby shower at work on Friday and my other friend from college is due any day now. But the icing on the cake is an old friend (a rather contentious relationship, but I won't go there), just had a second baby--a little boy. Didn't know she was pregnant either. I'm surrounded.

And the reality has set in. I will not be able to do another IVF or FET before we leave for Australia. It is June 6th, we leave the 27th. My period has not come yet. No way I'll be fitting that in. So yet another month goes by. More time passing. There's no way my children will be three years apart now. I'll be lucky if I have them 3 1/2 years apart. Extremely lucky. And that's where the pressure comes from. The more time that goes by, the further the age gap gets. And that just makes me sad for Alex. I feel like I'm disappointing her, even though she has no idea about any of this.

I keep telling myself that we can be happy with one. And I'm sure we would be. But there's this grief over possibly not having another. And it's a grief that I need to acknowledge. The two things that make me the most sad about maybe not having another child are that I really want Alex to grow up with a sibling...and that I won't ever get to experience all the stages again.

Why can't I have an "oops"?  Why can't I just show up at the fertility specialist's office and...SURPRISE! You're pregnant after all?

I know it's too early to be talking like this. Heck--we only did one round of IVF. But I thought we would have 2 or 3 under our belt by now. But timing did not work out with my kidney stones and infection. I am trying to stay positive and think that maybe this all happened for a reason. Maybe "our" child was not ready yet...maybe we're still waiting for s/he.

I know we'll be happy with just one. I just feel bad for Alex. That's the big part. And that's the part that I don't know how to reconcile. I turned 32 on June 1st. Thought I'd be done having babies by my 32nd birthday.

As for good news...we moved into our new house AND I only have 12 more days of work until September!