Saturday, March 22, 2014

When to Say When?

I am SO struggling with the idea of having more children. More specifically...struggling with both ideas: of having MORE kids and of having NO more kids. Yeah...I can't get my head around either option right now.

So what the heck? The thought of being "done" is so odd to me; I've spent so long being so consumed by trying to have babies. The thought of not trying, of putting all this infertility junk behind me leaves a kind of weird void. Not a bad void, but still a void nonetheless. It really is challenging to think of never being pregnant again, never getting THAT phone call or seeing the second line on the pee stick.

But then...there are moments when I feel SO ready to be done. Moments when both kids are inexplicably grumpy or fussy. Times when I'm trying to get some housework done and absolutely can not because someone needs another drink or to be held. And yeah, I love sleep-so there's that to put into the equation as well.

But those moments where I am DONE are fleeting. Always fleeting. Incidentally, the moments where I am sure that I want more are also fleeting. So yeah...I'm just a big pile of confusion and uncertainty.  I would say that we are 92-95% done (as opposed to 99.98% done while I was pregnant). So I thought maybe putting the pro's/con's of having another baby down on paper might straighten things out. Works in the movies?

1. I can experience pregnancy again (this could also go on the con's list, as I was so sick the entire time with Hayden).
2. All the firsts: first sono, first u/s, seeing them/holding them for the first time
3. Getting to go through all the stages again...just one more time!
4. Get to pick out an awesome name
5. Potentially having a boy would be kind of neat (but not make or break)
6.  Giving my girls another sibling*****And hopefully having another life-long companion!!!
7. All the excitement of getting ready for another baby (shopping!). Ok, I know this is a shallow one.
8. Having another child. That's "pro" enough. Another child to bond with and to love. Which, of course, is the most important reason of all.

1. Would be looking at going through the baby phase all over again once my kids are much more independent
2. I'm getting older...34 in June...and I wouldn't want to even try again for another year or two
3. Most likely, I would have to use medical assistance again. And do I really want to put myself through that emotionally or physically?
4. Childbirth. Enough said.
5. More kids = more money. And I'm not talking just about small stuff. I'm talking about college tuition, etc.
6. Going to and from Australia regularly would be a b*tch
7. Either we would have to move or the girls would have to share a room (not a fan of that idea). We have a big house with very large rooms, but that also means not as many rooms (3 bedroom house)
8. Pregnancy anxiety...about miscarriages, etc.
9. We would probably need a different vehicle, and I love mine already
10. Dh doesn't know if he wants a third, but is not completely against the idea
11. We have two healthy girls now (thank God and knock on wood) I want to chance it again?
12. Even less time to myself or 1:1 time with my husband
13. Spread even thinner than I am now
14. I hear that having 3 kids can be a weird dynamic
15. More opportunity for kids fighting
16. Most of my friends will be beyond the baby stage. And while this isn't a big deal, it will still be weird not having friends doing the "baby thing". It might feel a little bit isolating.
17. I've only ever said I would have two
18. I just don't know if I want a baby for the "right" reasons.
19. Not being able to really sleep for the next several years
20. Having my schedule dictated by a cranky baby
21. I just don't know if my heart is really into it

So, as you can see...the Con side is definitely a fair bit longer...and it was easier to write. BUT-the pro side has some "biggies". Having another child, falling in love with that child, giving my kids another sibling. Those are massive, unquantifiable things. And the thought of shutting that door forever is very scary and I'm not quite ready to be there. So I'm just as confused. Dang list didn't work.

How did you know when you were done? Is it a feeling that comes right away or that grows over time????

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