Friday, August 1, 2014

The "Price" of Wanting a Specific Gender....

Oh hey! Look at this! Blogging TWO days in a row! I'm awesome ;)

So, in regard to the title, this is not about me. This is about a friend. Who really really really really wants a baby girl. In fact, she wants one so badly, she is "making" it happen.

Me? I just wanted a healthy baby. I'm not saying that to toot my own moral horn. Honestly, when you don't think you'll ever have **any** babies, you're (or at least I was) not as picky. It has nothing to do with me being a better person, etc etc. I was just more desperate. I think it's natural to want one gender over another at first. But how far do we go??? Side note, I will admit that I was thrilled to have girls...

So I have a friend who has two little boys. She and her husband are desperate for a girl. And to make a VERY long story short, she is seeing "my" fertility specialist and is undergoing IVF and PGD to make sure she has a girl.

I try not to be judgemental. And I'm somewhat successful, but it has been hard lately (she's stimming now) because infertility and fertility treatments are very near and dear subjects to me. She has never had any difficulties getting pregnant, despite "technically" having PCOS (although she fits no criteria for it, other than having cysts on her ovaries). But, because she has cysts, she is able to get her insurance to cover her IVF fully. And she basically lied to everyone and said that she's being trying to get pregnant for over a year when, in reality, she has been having protected sex to MAKE SURE they DO NOT get pregnant because IVF with PGD has been her goal the whole time.

So my issues with all of this:

A. She's lying to the doctors and insurance and basically committing insurance fraud
B. She's trying to be hyper stimulated so insurance will cover the IVF because that's the only way they would without her doing IUI first. I've been through hyperstimulation. It sucks. So I kind of feel like this is a mockery of what I went through. Because it's obviously all about me ;)
C. She's taking appointments and time away from other women who are desperate for these services and who need them!
D. There are women out there who would be thrilled to have one healthy baby, much less two like what she has. I feel like she's kind of ungrateful
E. If you want a third child, it should be because you want a third. It shouldn't be that you want ONLY a third IF it's a certain gender
F. Insurance is covering a 15K procedure when she has no issues conceiving. Do you know how many women would kill for that insurance???!!!! There are zillions of women who can't afford fertility treatments
G. Does picking the gender = playing God? I don't know. I really don't. People could say that IVF is playing God too. I do not subscribe to this belief though for a few reasons...
H. One of my biggest issues is what happens to all of her leftover embryos??? Will they be discarded simply because she only wants a girl and only wants one more child? Not having any actual fertility issues, chances are that she will have leftover healthy embryos. It breaks my heart to think that they will just be discarded.

So these are my issues. And I tried not to sound too "judgy" and failed. I know...failed miserably. And I'm actually ok with that. Coming from MY perspective and with my experiences...I hate that she is doing this. I hate that she wants to talk to me about it and tells me how easy the whole process has been (really???!!!! Oh wait, you have two kids so you aren't going through the process while being desperate for a baby and emotionally exhausted and worried sick that nothing will work).

 I hate that she talks to me about the medicine like she's an expert. I put in the research. I know how things go. I HAD to do this. Don't liken our experiences because they ARE NOT the same.

I guess it also really irks me that she is so sure of her success, so sure that it will work on the first go. Me...I went through treatments never sure of anything. Would I have any good follicles? Will I hyperstimulate? Can I even get pregnant? Can I get pregnant again or was Alex my one allotted miracle? Will I miscarry? How long will I have to do treatments? Will anything work? Why isn't this working?

And I was lucky. I have two beautiful girls. And,comparatively, my treatments did not take too long before I found success. My point is...I was sure of nothing. And it was exhausting and nerve wracking and just plain scary. So yes, hearing about how everything has been "so easy" is a slap in the face. Hearing about how sure of her body she is does, I will admit, makes me jealous. I can't help it. It's my leftover infertility baggage.

So...I don't know what's going to happen...I just hate this situation.


  1. BARF!!! Selfish, selfish, selfish.

    I would not be able to be supportive of her. That is NOT what IVF is for, that is NOT what PGD is for.
    She is one of the reasons that give people the wrong impression about IVF, taking it too far. It is a medical treatment for those who need it to achieve pregnancy. Not so you can have your "American dream".... Barf.

    Okay, I'm super hormonal and angry right now... Sorry lol.

  2. I feel the same way!!! :/ And it really kills me to think of all the leftover male, likely healthy embryos she'll have :( All because she "needs" a girl :(

  3. Yeah, there certainly should be a line drawn. Circumstances like these seem so inappropriate and unfair for those who can't afford IVF so they have NO children...