HPT's...Old Habits...

I took a hpt a few days ago. I haven't taken one in a very, very long time. Which is great because I used to be addicted to peeing on the stick.

Only 4 dpo? No problem...I'll test...just to make sure the trigger is out of my system...
I'm bleeding? Oh well, maybe it's implantation bleeding. I should test just to make sure...
My last test was negative? Not a problem. It was probably too early! I should test again...

Yeah. Any excuse and I used it to test. A zit on my chin, some extra cervical mucus, feeling bitchy...used to all be completely valid reasons to test. I shudder to think about how much money went down the--er--toilet.

So I tested a few days ago. This time, I really really felt like it just might show a line. There were so many other times when I tested, that I knew it was a waste of time. I just couldn't control myself (like most addicts). This time though, I was actually pretty confident.

My symptoms? My sense of smell to rival a blood hound's; a small amount of spotting around when my period was due (this was the biggie, as I had a bit of implantation bleeding with both girls) and NO period in sight. Of course, with pcos, the no period thing is kind of par for the course. However, it had been coming every three weeks or so since Hayden was born. Now, it was late, and late by a week or two.

I took the test. I actually took two a day apart. They were negatives. I studied them for about 5 minutes, held them up to natural light, turned the test to look from different angles, and even dumpster dove a time or two. But, alas, they were negative.

And I was ok. There was no devastation like every other time I have tested.  In fact, my disappointment was tempered by relief. What an odd feeling for me, given my experiences. Hayden is eleven months. Do I actually want to be pregnant right now? Right before summer and camp season? Am I content with my two (knock on wood) healthy girls? And I think, for now, I am. Getting a positive test would have been a shock. And I think, this time, I would have actually had to get used to the idea. So is this a way of knowing if we are done or not? I don't know. I don't think this is a "tell all" moment. But it's just something else to think about....