Wednesday, April 16, 2014

So What Am I?

I feel like my blog no longer has an identity. And it's VERY likely that I'm over thinking this whole thing.
So, what-for something like three years-this was an infertility blog with a smattering of "parentables" thrown in? But now fertility, or rather infertility, is playing less and less a role in my daily life. I don't talk about it everyday, I don't think about it everyday. Which is a GOOD and healthy thing. This was the stage I looked forward to when I was struggling, when all I could focus on was my suckiness at getting pregnant on my know, something the average 13 year old crack head can do by "accident". Ok...I am, however, still working on the residual bitterness thing.

Anyway. My point is...unless we decide to have a third baby, because I'm not completely closing that door yet, infertility is going to become less and less a focus of my life. So what the heck do I write about? There a gazillion of mommy blogs out there...I'm no different. But I want to keep writing, and I don't want to have to stick to a clear focus because I'm doing this for me. So I can read back through and see what the heck I was doing or thinking at 33 years old.

I guess part of the problem is that, because I started out blogging about secondary infertility (following primary), I feel guilty if I have anything less than magical things to say about parenting. It is difficult for me to be honest all the time while blogging because I don't want anyone reading this to think I'm an ungrateful biatch. Because I'm not. Every. Single. Day., I thank God and medicine and the doctors and yes, even my slightly dysfunctional body, for my two girls.

But that doesn't mean that parenting is without hardship and struggle. For instance, Hayden is getting her 12 month molars and Alex is entering the "ferocious fours". Some days are hard, but I wouldn't trade these struggles for anything. Heck-I earned these struggles!!! I put my body through hell for these struggles!

So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be less scared, more honest about parenting. If I'm having a bad day, or my kids are seemingly in need of exorcism, I want to be able to candidly state that without feeling guilty. And btw-the guilt is in my own head, due to the reason I started this blog. No one has ever made me feel that way.

So anyway. This is the way I have been feeling. I just don't want to upset anyone who stumbles across this blog who has yet to conquer infertility.

And I have to wonder, aside from blogging, is this whole thing another infertility legacy? Feeling guilty about having days when you can't wait until bedtime because you swore that you would never complain once you were lucky enough to beat infertility? Because I know that I swore that.

But here I am. Tired. Stained with coffee. Scratch on my face from itty bitty Hayden nails. Baby molars puncturing her gums and making her scream off and on for 12 hours...and I can't wait for Dan to get done with work so I can get a little help.  So yeah. Today is a hard day. It DOES NOT make me any less thankful for my girls. The worst days would never, ever make me less grateful and thankful that our prayers were answered. But dang-this momma needs to do a little cathartic letting off of steam...and hence this blog...that no longer has any sort of identity.

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