Seriously?!

Seriously? What the heck? I. Am. Spotting. And I'm only on cycle day 19. Yes, that's right, 19! Who spots on day 19???? About 4 years ago, I would have felt hopeful about the spotting. I would have said, "Wow, maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I guess I'm just a little jaded now in regard to conception, lol. I am not even entertaining the thought of implantation because there's not a snow ball's chance in heck that I am pregnant.

My only hope now is that I will spot for several days before the witch gets here. If I make it to Sunday without a full blown period, I *should* still be able to have my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday and get my meds ordered and ready to go for this cycle. If it starts sooner, I'm pretty sure that I'll have to sit tight and wait out this cycle. Ugh. Why is there always SO MUCH WAITING involved with fertility treatments? I know I know...I've waited this long, another month won't be so bad-especially if it's as short of a cycle as this one might be. However, PCOS is a tricky and unpredictable beast: if I do have to wait, my next cycle will probably be 100 days long. Oh yeah...you can bet I will be calling for some progesterone if that happens.

Anyway. Just thought I would post because I couldn't believe it when I began spotting. It's almost comical. I just kind of slapped my head and said, "Ah, of course". Timing is everything! Fingers crossed that my period stays away another few days!

ONE WEEK

Actually....it is technically *less than* one week until our appointment (appointment is on the morning of the 6th, after all). So here we go! Time to jump into everything again! Yes...I am excited. Yes....I am a little nervous and, even now, somewhat unsure of what is about to happen. But I guess sometimes there is such a thing as "over-thinking" and perhaps now is the time to turn off my brain and just *act*. So we are jumping in, feet first. Now as long as my period stays away until either the day before, the day of, or right after my appointment, we'll be all set!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and that you were able to spend it with the people you love. We had a great one here and are now very much looking forward to the Christmas holidays. Our tree is up and the house is decorated. Alex is now at the age where she is very curious and wanting to help with everything. Which is fun...albeit a slow process!

 Thanksgiving Day...all dressed up in her sweater dress! About to head out to our feast!

 "Eating" Thanksgiving dinner. For Alex, that consisted of a roll and three bites of turkey

 But she loved the pumpkin pie!

 Helping to unpack the Christmas tree

 Giving daddy a hand

 Very serious about putting up the first ornament

All done!

Thanksgiving.

Not a day goes by when I don't give thanks for all my blessings: my wonderful husband, our daughter, our families, our health. The list goes on and on and on-and for this alone, we are VERY fortunate and blessed. I make it a goal to not take any of this for granted and I think that, for the most part, I succeed.  Though we all have our moments where we lose sight of all that we have.

It's easy to be thankful for the blessings. For the good things. But what about the not-so-great parts of life? Sometimes these parts, the things that make you cry and scream, may be blessings in disguise because they are leading you to something much greater, something truly wonderful and magical. Perhaps the journey, even the most difficult and grueling ones, are a blessing?

I am not to the point where I can be happy about my PCOS and our fertility struggles. But I do know one thing: if we hadn't taken the road that we did, filled with all the bumps and bruises and miseries and depression, we would not have Alexandra with us. If we didn't struggle to have a baby, we most likely would have become pregnant a lot sooner. We would have had another baby, whom we would have loved with all our hearts. But Alex was meant to be in this world. She was meant to be our child. And I can't imagine a life-or a world-without her in it. Every tear shed, every drop of blood spilled, every painful procedure completed.....it was all leading us to this. Thank you, God.

Like A Dog with a Bone....

That's totally how I am when there is a hint of "pregnancy suspense" in the air. Or perhaps the better adage would be: "a moth to a flame"?

Ok. So I mentioned a few blog posts ago that I thought that there was a second pregnant woman at work, the first being my friend Jen who is about 33 weeks along. Basically, our boss let it slip that there were "pregnant people" at work...so that got everyone wondering.

Needless to say, I have been on high alert:checking out mid-drifts, critiquing clothing choices (Wow, "Meg" is wearing a pretty loose fitting shirt) and taking inventory of lunches. Ok, I haven't been quite that insane. But I did notice that a few ladies were not eating deli meat. Hmmmmm....

Honestly, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I knew that I was going to be completely jealous and sad for myself, I just *had* to know who it was. What does that say about me? Am I a masochist? Turns out, it is my coworker, Andrea, who is pregnant. She is 8 weeks along. She told me that she was "super surprised" that she was even pregnant because it was their FIRST MONTH trying. Wow. Talk about a novel concept. I can't imagine what it must be like to just plan to get pregnant-and HAVE IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Getting pregnant on your first month of trying...isn't that some sort of fertility urban legend?

When it rains, it pours...pregnant women are taking over my life lately. Why, oh why, couldn't they all get pregnant a year earlier, when Alex was so much younger and my baby envy was at a minimum? And the thing about Andrea is that she will have the perfect baby belly because she is tiny. So she will have the perfect basketball. I won't lie. I am jealous. Can you tell?

And now for a note of positivity: 2 weeks till our appointment!

Family and Infertility Treatments.

Family and infertility treatments. To share or not share, that is an IMPORTANT question. And one that may require intense scrutiny. And if you decide to share the where's and when's and how's....how much detail do you give? Do you talk about having an IUI-calling the procedure by its given name and leaving it at that (thus making your family work for details. Because you KNOW that they will Google it), or do you tell your family about how your husband's "life force" actually gets into your uterus? And that could be a clinical or a colorful explanation (very likely staring a turkey baster). See...more choices to consider!

So what to do, what to do? Tell, not tell? If your family is like my family, telling only a few people is NOT an option because  everyone will find out anyway-and because those you didn't tell will probably be "hurt" that you didn't trust them enough to tell them personally, blah blah blah. Yeah. My mom's side, they're a tight knit Italian clan. That should explain the lack of boundaries and enmeshment. Fortunately, we don't have the same sort of intensity on my father's side or in Dan's family. Love my family, really do. BUT limit setting is a matter of survival and sanity.

Anyway. Last time we went through treatments, we did not tell our extended families about anything. I didn't want to be "gossiped" about, even if the general motivation was because they cared about us. I didn't want to feel different, like an outcast next to my fertile cousins. Whenever anyone in "the family" would ask us about having kids, I used to just say "we aren't ready yet...we're having too much fun right now". Fun. Yeah right! But I really wanted them to think that it was our choice.

Let me preface this next statement by saying that I love my mother. She's a good woman and a great mother. HOWEVER, one of her flaws is that she loves loves LOVES to gossip. About anyone and anything. Which is one of the reasons why I don't get involved in gossip either in my personal life or work life. People can say whatever they want to me and I will listen, but I am not going around spreading the stuff myself.

Anyway, we told our parents and siblings and our closest friends about the treatments. We let them know that they were amongst the "blessed few" (LOL) to know about this. I had thought that my mom's gossiping ways would not extend to her children, but I was wrong. Within a week, everyone in the family knew that we were going to a "fertility doctor". Let's just say, the family was not too stealth in trying to pump information out of us at holiday functions. Made Christmas a lot of fun that year-especially given the fact that I had a miscarriage about three days prior to Christmas Eve 2008.

Of course, I was very hurt that my mom couldn't keep this to herself. After all, I trusted her with this painful knowledge. I felt disrespected. I felt like she cheapened this experience by spreading it all over the place. But I also think that she might have done it because she was *so* worried about us, about me especially, about how I was holding up. I think that she needed to get a lot of it off her chest and needed her own platform from which to vent. So perhaps her intentions were not horrible and came from a place of worry and love. But it still hurt.

And I love my mom as much as before. But it did change our relationship a little bit. Basically, I don't confide in her about anything fertility related. After talking about it for awhile now, Dan and I have decided not to tell either set of parents or siblings (because really....are they going to be able to keep it from our parents) that we are doing treatments again. We also decided that we aren't going to tell them, God willing, that we are pregnant again until after the first trimester (that part coming from my mom telling everyone about our pregnancy with Alex at 6 weeks!).  It kind of sucks that it has to be this way. But this is better than having to field invading questions that, really, no one has a right to ask in the first place.

Coming from a big, close- knit family is wonderful in so many ways. This, however, is not one of them ;P Unfortunately for my cousin, Sara, the family is sniffing around her because she is in her 30's, has been married for 2.5 years and has been known to have been "trying" since September 2010. Poor girl. I need to give her lessons in not giving out too much information!

 First time in pigtails! 

 Monkey hat <3

 Who needs daylight to ride?

Keeping My Fingers Crossed....

...That my period either comes *right after* my consultation (so I don't have to wait too long for a baseline appointment) or that my cycle day one is on *the day* of my consultation so I can have my baseline then.

As with anything fertility related, timing is everything. For an infertile, timing is also important in order to *order the medicine on time*. For me, my insurance dictates that I get my injections through Freedom Pharmacy. They are AWESOME. I have always had awesome experiences with them. They specialize in fertility medication. My doctor puts in a call to them and they deliver my meds, to my door, the next day. Super reliable.

So the problem isn't Freedom Pharmacy...the problem is that if I am on cycle day two, three or four on the day of my consultation, my doctor may not be able to order the medicine in time to begin treatments on that cycle. Which would be more waiting. Which is tough for a woman with PCOS who doesn't know if her next period will come in 21 days or in 81 days.

So I am determined not to worry about when AF comes (even though I really really REALLY want it to come on the day of my appointment or right after) because, well, there's nothing I can do about it. I guess it's one of those things that I have to let go and try not to worry about.  I know a few weeks doesn't make a difference, regarding when we start treatments. But man...now that we made the decision to begin treatments again-I want to start like YESTERDAY. Ugh. I have an instant gratification issue. Might be my fatal flaw....and certainly not a good trait to have with fertility issues. Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Edited to add: EXACTLY THREE WEEKS TILL OUR APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!

Bittersweet....

So this past weekend, we have begun to change Alexandra's room. Basically, we put all of her baby bedding/decorations in storage and took down her changing table. Her room is now less of a baby room and more of a little girl room. It's exciting to redo things, but sad too. I got a little sentimental when taking down her changing table...I can't imagine how I will feel when taking down her crib (we're aren't quite ready for that yet!).

Anyway....here are some pics of Alex's "big girl" room ;)  We have a mix of everything...owls, flowers, princesses, etc.

 The total picture

 A new bookcase where her changing table used to be

 <3 owls!

 Owl bedding

New lamp in keeping with the theme. Check out the Cinderella crystal lamp-that thing is sweet!