Monday, January 24, 2011

And...the Infertility Dance Begins Again...

So I had THE moment. The moment I haven't had in over a year and a half. The moment I thought I wouldn't have, now that we have a child. Well, I was wrong.

So this is how it went. Last weekend, Dan, Alex and I went to our friends' son's second birthday party. I was sitting with two women and we were all talking. Nothing too serious or big-just comparing stories and "war wounds", talking about being pregnant and giving birth. Talking about kids that love eating, kids that won't eat (like mine), tantrums, time-outs. Basically, just discussing kids. Now, both women have two kids. So one turns to me and says something like, "Oh, so is number two on the horizon for you guys anytime soon"? 

Now, this is a question I am prepared for, one that doesn't bug me as I give the standard reply, which is, "Oh, maybe some time soon...we aren't sure". I have become very good at this response, as it was the same one that I gave when talking about having a first child. However, back then, once alone, the question usually had me careening into tears. Fortunately, that has changed since having a baby-thank you Alexandra!

So yes, I was prepared for that conversation. What I was not prepared for was for one of the women to ask, "Oh, well how long did it take you for Alex? Because if you want them close in age, you may want to start soon". Ok. Thanks for putting the pressure on. Oh, and thanks for also putting into words one of my fears-that I either won't get pregnant or that my kids will be super far apart. Thanks for that. What light-hearted conversation to have at a two year old's birthday party.

But seriously, who asks that question? I mean, if there ever was a loaded question, that would have to be it. So I, usually so quick with a good line or comeback, stood there gaping-completely uncomfortable that a woman that I didn't know well actually asked the big "No No" question of..."how long did it take". I mean, really, who does that? So I answered truthfully. In part because I was thrown for a loop, and also because I am trying to be more honest about my experiences.

Well, what did I get in return....THE look! Any infertile woman knows what I'm talking about. That look on someone else's face-usually a fertile woman-that is a cross between pity and absolute elation that they are, in fact, fertile and not in the same crappy position. Then, invariably, they want to hear your story and fix looks of intense concentration on your story. Which wouldn't be so bad, except the pity always seems to stay there. And if there's anything I hate, is that pity.

I hope I don't sound bitter. Because I have no reason to be. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful child, a great job, a house, a loving family. Seriously...we have a great life. Yes, I have had struggles, but everyone does. Everyone has a different story, a cross to bare. This is my struggle, my story. I guess I was just surprised at how the moment brought all those old feelings back, the feelings of inadequacy. The shame at having fertility issues, the secrecy, the worry that people would feel sorry for me. The "what ifs".

And it makes me wonder about the day, again, when (God willing) our family is complete. When I don't have to plan everything around medications and procedures. When I don't have to wonder how and/or if we will have another child. When infertility will be something I DEALT with (past tense), but not be a part of our new story, our family story. What will that feel like when infertility is no longer a *real* part of our lives? I truly hope that I will get to find out....


  1. awww I am so sorry. That is so insensitive. Unfortunately I know EXACTLY what you mean. lol. Fertile people everywhere are the same haha. Occasionally I will find one though that has good judgement and intuition. Knows better than to cross those barriers, usually those are close friends though who saw me at my worst and saw the REAL heart ache it truly is.

    You WILL get pregnant again. I am sure it will happen fairly quickly when you begin trying. You found what works for you guys! Try not to worry about that part.
    When those fears sink in, i just remind myself that God has the perfect sperm and egg in mind that need to meet up for our next child. It may take a few cycles. I mean, if it wouldn't have been that EXACT sperm and EXACT egg, I wouldn't have this unique individual child I love more than my own life. It will happen hun. In the mean time YOU know your plan, don't listen to other people's nosey insensitivities. Clearly they have nothing more important in their lives.

  2. I'm working on just letting go of control ;) It's hard to do, since I like to know what's going to happen. But the whole idea of having the perfect sperm and egg meet kind of relaxes me. So if it doesn't happen right away-it's because I'm waiting for the child meant for us....

  3. I know this is an old post but I went back in time to follow your journey to success. I too have been once lucky and am often astounded by the questions people ask. I am also constantly worried about people misunderstanding my frustration with a disregard for my daughter. I love her and she is a blessing! But that doesn't mean I can't long for a second. For a sibling for her to play with. I think infertility is something that a person just can't completely comprehend until they themselves encounter it and that is something I (we) wish on no one.

  4. I just wish people wouldn't assume that just because you have one child, it is so easy to have another-or a sure thing to have another. People don't get that so many struggle to also have baby number two. For so many-it's just a given....