Friday, July 8, 2011

Fertile Frenemies....

I'm pretty easy going. Live a pretty drama-free life. I don't argue with my friends much, nor my husband. I mean, we have our moments, but they pass quickly. So I never thought that I would have a "frenemy". Aren't those reserved for people with drama ridden lives??? And I certainly never thought I would have one at 31 years old. And I never thought it would have to do with fertility. Yes, we all know that I'm a jealous infertile...but I try so very hard to keep the green eyed monster under wraps. And I'm pretty successful, I think.

Ok, so here's the story. I have a friend named "Joy". Joy and I had an on/off relationship for years. Not because we fought, we usually just lost touch of each other during college and grad school. Anyway, we reconnected when she was out of grad school and I was still pursuing my school psych., degree. You see, we owned a two unit complex. We lived in one unit, she and her husband lived in another. Let's just say, being friends with your tenants can really complicate a simple relationship.

They were mad because we charged them a security deposit for their dog, we were mad because their neurotic, maniacal dog trashed the unit (stained carpets, stained hard woods, a complete mess). And then they moved out without giving us notice (as friends, we didn't give them a lease-BIG mistake). They also did not clean up the unit prior to leaving. It was gross....smelled like dog excrement (to give Joy the benefit of the doubt, she did try to clean up after him, but the dog was seriously neurotic and had "attachment issues" and would defecate every time they left the apartment). So we kept in touch, but things were never the same. The relationship was always a little bit strained. Lesson to all-DON'T RENT TO FRIENDS OR least not without a lease!

During the course of our friendship (when we were close), I told Joy all about my pcos and how we wanted very badly to have children. I told her my hopes and fears.  After the apartment fiasco, Joy and her husband moved to a townhouse. Dan and I moved out of the city when I landed my job as a school psychologist. We lost touch for awhile. For about one year, in fact. Then I get a call out of the blue. Joy wanted to meet for lunch (she was home visiting her parents; we are from the same hometown). I guess it's the fertile-radar. I knew what she was going to tell me. And sure enough-she was PREGNANT!!! And on her first try no less.

I smiled and said all the correct things. But I'll tell you, she was almost *gloating* when she told me the news. Now, I wasn't just being bitter. I have had many friends tell me about their pregnancies. But this was different. She called me after a year of me hearing nothing (when I tried to keep in touch), just to tell me the news. I was one of the first she told too. Weird, yes. A deliberate decision, yes. Then she went on and on about how she couldn't "imagine" being in my situation, yada yada yada. Pissed me off. If there's one thing most infertiles don't want-it's pity! Especially after getting that type of news.

Now Joy is a lot of things. She's brilliant, clever, crafty, well educated and kind (mostly). But she can also be very catty and competitive. Joy had a rough relationship with her generally well-meaning mom growing up and, because of that, has zero self-esteem in a lot of areas. But I won't go into that. Basically, Joy has a tendency to "one-up" people whenever she can. It makes her feel better. And that time was my time to be one-up'd. Really sucked though.

So Joy went on to have a beautiful baby girl. After giving me the news about her being pregnant, she didn't bother to get in touch with me again (and I REALLY was polite and happy for her). I got pregnant with Alex right around when her daughter was born, which would make the kids 9 months apart. I've tried to keep in touch with her here and there, sent Christmas cards, said hi on Facebook, suggested we get the girls together when she was back in town visiting her parents. I never heard anything (for two years now).

Until I get the call. Can you guess. Seriously. She's pregnant again. And she, "Just couldn't wait to tell me". B!tch. No, I'm not calling her that because she's pregnant. I'm calling her that because of the obvious glee she takes in telling me. And to compound the situation...she tells me that I "better get going on number two" because it would be "too bad if Alex were an only child". Really? Because I could think of worse things.

So there you go. It's official. I have a frenemy. And a fertile frenemy at that. That pretty much has to be the worst kind. And yet, I'm not jealous, even of the pregnancy. I'm a mom. I'm a good person. I like myself. I love my life. Apart from being a mom, I don't think she can say any of those things. Oh, also, I'm still crazy about my husband. Her's is a dud.

So here's to cutting the frenemy out of my life for good. I don't have time for that BS!

On the topic of friendship...a pic of my two awesome, supportive friends. Love them!


  1. WOW, i think I would have a serious discussion with her about tact, and really true pity HER. That's really sad.

    Don't feel in a rush, it WILL happen for you again. You haven't even started treatment! Your daughter is LOVING the one on one time with you, and this time alone with her is preparing her to be a great big sister.

    I don't have a "frenemy" but I do have a friend who "doesn't get" how I can throw my life away JUST being a stay at home mom. How I can waste my money on fertility treatments, when I could just adopt a child. She thinks I am boring and throwing my life away. LOL, when I start to care, I just realize... wow, she is recently divorced, barely any friends of faily, so incredibly lost spiritually, and is clinging to her education and "wild" lifestyle. Ofcourse I seem boring, I have a dependable, loving husband, a normal routine and a lot of friends and family. I am anything but boring, but just so different, and that's okay with me.

    I am sorry to hear about about it. Gloating fertiles are the WORSTE!

  2. I definitely think I am at the pitying stage with her. I think that she just must be unhappy with herself or her life. I guess I just have to decide if she's worth trying to talk things out with. I'm not quite sure yet...

    Honestly, I love the 1:1 time I am having with Alex and I think of this time much the same way you do. It'll never happen again, so I'm just going to love every second.

    Sounds like your friend lives a pretty lonely life herself....

  3. Hi - new reader to your blog (from Australia ;) don't you just love the "you will have to hurry up with number 2 comments" that is enough for me to turn from the friendship and say good-bye. People who havent experienced infertility just don't get it, no matter how hard they try :(

    Had your frenemy bothered to stay in touch over the years, I would have suggested that perhaps she had convinced herself it was better to tellyou face to face, but then it sounds like she is rubbing in how fertile she is. Sucks to be us huh?

  4. Thanks for reading! The "number two" comments do get a bit much, don't they??? I don't know why people (family, friends) feel that a woman's fertility is a good topic of conversation. As if there isn't enough (intrinsic) pressure on us as it is!

    As it happens, we'll be in Brisbane in about 2 1/2 weeks for a few days before flying to Rockhampton (ultimately to be in Yeppoon). I love OZ....It gets so tempting to just up and move there!