Thursday, July 14, 2011

Which Way?

My recent post about "Fertile Frenemies" got me thinking: as someone who is infertile, how would you prefer to hear the news of a friend's pregnancy? Is it better to get a text, an email....or do you prefer the more direct, face-to-face route? How about the phone? Which mode would make it easier to swallow?  Or at least, easier to hide your dismay? Maybe one of the little cute "apology" cards that some stores carry with two sad puppies on the front? And inside-"So sorry to have to tell you...I'm pregnant". I mean, who doesn't like receiving a card in the mail?

Hands down, I MUCH prefer the phone route. That way, the conversation can come to an end if you *need* it to. You can quickly come up with an escape such as, "Oh crap, my mac and cheese has boiled over. Gotta clean up this mess...." So, basically, you can say all the "right" things, express your joy (jealousy), mumble some things for five or so minutes and then hang up and do whatever you need to do to make things all right in your world again (cry, scream, eat chocolate, get into the liquor cabinet...spend money-which was my favorite).  The point is, the conversation can end when you want it to so you can regroup and move on.

As I blogged about with my frenemy, face-to-face over breakfast was just painful. Well for me, not her. I more than half suspect she loved every minute. Not only do you have *say* the right things, but you have to also *look* the part of someone who isn't having their heart ripped out again. So yeah-you need to have control over your voice and your face and your nonverbals. NO THANK YOU. Plus then you have to go through an entire meal rehashing the how's and why's of conception and keep up your game face. Basically, face-to-face lasts FOREVER.

But there are a few rules about telling an infertile about your pregnancy that a lot of infertiles agree upon, at least the ones I spoke with. They are:

1. Don't NOT tell us...then we feel like freaks who have to be pitied
2. Don't tell us after everyone else for the same reason as number 1
3. Don't tell us in a pitying "I figured you should hear if from me first" way. Honest and respectful is the best way-without overplaying the "poor infertile" vibe
4. Don't pretend you aren't thrilled with being pregnant (unless you truly aren't thrilled). Again, we'll feel like you are just walking on egg shells because of us. And that makes us feel like we should be waving a "freak" flag.
5. Don't complain about being pregnant if you don't want to be. The reason should be very self-explanatory. Four words: slap. in. the. face.

Hmmmm...perhaps I should link this blog to my Frenemy and a few other people who don't seem to have a clue???

Alex nicked off with mommy's glasses

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