Getting a Bit Scared...

It's really beginning to hit me. I want another baby. I'm beginning to feel ready for another baby. And why should this scare me? It's all the "what-ifs" that are beginning to enter my mind. Now that Alexandra is creeping up on a year old, I feel the pressure to have another baby, to give my baby a sibling who is close in age. What a thing to give your child! And the reality is, if I want them fairly close in age, we really need to get going on the baby making soon!

We have gotten some things done: fertility consultation, check! HSG, check! All we need to do is call up our doctor, book a baseline and order meds. In a way, I want to do all of that now. But I know that waiting a few months would be better. Reason 1: it gives me a little bit more time to keep getting myself in shape (not the big reason for waiting though). Reason 2: If we wait until the Spring, that means I will potentially get more maternity leave where we won't have to pay out of pocket for health insurance while I am on leave-and I will get the 6+ month leave that I had with Alex. Reason 3: We want to go to Australia this summer for 4+ weeks. We really want Alex to spend her summers there with Dan's family. We want her to know her Australian family and roots as much as her American roots. Plus, Dan's sister is finally pregnant after 4 years and countless cycles of IVF. We are close and we would very much like to be there for the birth (she's due in early August). So yeah-I don't want to be super pregnant in Australia. Three or four months would be ok, but not like 6 or 7!

So those are some of our reasons. All very legit. I know waiting makes more sense, but my heart is wanting to start now. That fear is there..."what if it takes a long time", "what if we have to go the IVF route this time", "what if it doesn't happen at all"????? But I also don't want fear to dictate our choices. Gah! I'm so torn right now! Especially because, in a way, I want to keep just enjoying Alexandra without the pressure of another little human depending on me-even though I want that other little human VERY much. I see how difficult it is for my friends who have two young children. They are exhausted. But I want that too! Do  want it now? Do I want to wait? What makes more sense? What if I wait a few more months and it takes forever and there is a big age gap and Alex isn't close with her sibling? What if I wait too long and it doesn't happen at all???? Waiting a few months-3 or 4 won't make that much of a difference, will it????

So yes, the fear has begun setting in...and the horrible infertility "what ifs". *sigh*