Well I am sure that you all know the expression about judging a book by its cover? Of course you do. But isn't it interesting that, despite that very valid warning, we all do it? Some, of course, are better about it than others...but I think we all probably judge too quickly. Errrr...maybe not judge so much as make presumptions. This of course, can be applied to fertility. Heck-can't everything lately? ;)
I got thinking about this lately because I have begun reading a blog. The woman is a mom of three kids. She's gorgeous, her husband is a stud (and I'm talking...they are both unnaturally good looking) and her kids are perfect (although so is Alex, lol). So I begin reading this blog--one of the few that I read--and probably the only one I read that is not fertility related. So I begin thinking..."man, this woman has THE life; three healthy kids, the first one was an 'oopsie'...she probably has NO IDEA what it's like to struggle and yearn and beg and plead for a child....to bargain with God, etc".
I kept reading, despite my mindset that she has an easy fairy tale life. I kind of hated her. Just a little bit...but it was there. After reading it for awhile, it became apparent that this woman did not escape life unscathed. She openly admitted to having some huge, earth shattering issues in the past: bulimia, food addiction, drug and alcohol abuse. She hit rock bottom and almost didn't come out of it. She did...she survived....9 years clean and sober. What strength!
And the realization dawned on me--again (because I seem to forget this a lot)--that everyone has their story, their cross to bare. No one goes through life without heartbreak. No one goes through life without struggle. No one has it all, or has it all together. Unfortunately, I sometimes (ok, often) lose sight of the fact that I am not the only one going through tough stuff, that I am not the only one hurting. It's not all about me, apparently, lol. And just because someone has a gaggle of kids and is movie star beautiful, does not mean her life is a walk in the park. And there's always people worse off....
And then I think of myself and how I might look to others. Perhaps I am in the grocery store. What does someone see? A young (ish) woman who looks to be contentedly shopping with a healthy, adorable (if I say so myself) two year old. What might an infertile think? If it were me, pre-kids, I may have thought to myself "I hate you". You certainly can't look at me and know that I went through Clomid and injections and IUI's and two years of infertility.
I guess the point is...everyone goes through crap, and more people than you realize struggle to have babies. You aren't alone. If you are hurting, just know that zillions of others have been there, hurting too. And even if it's not the same struggle, we've all had times where getting out of bed is a daunting and daring task. But there's always an end to those times. They cannot go on forever. Persevere. On a side note--it's too bad we didn't have some sort of infertile badge to wear....you know, something subtle....
That blog, btw-is called Momastery (sp)...she's a fabulous writer :) Not only am I jealous of her un-PCOS ovaries-but of her writing as well. Check her out, it's a good read, even if she DID get preggo with an oopsie, lol.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
My Baby Girl is Turning TWO!
Tomorrow, January 17th, Alexandra Eva is turning two (at 5:55 pm) <3
I can't describe how bittersweet this is for me. I think that I am feeling more sentimental about this birthday than her first birthday. She's not a baby any longer. Last year-at only 12 months-she was still so little, still such a baby. She was only just weaning off of bottles and formula...she was still crawling....only speaking a handful of words. My Alex was more a baby than a toddler at 12 months.
Now, I will no longer be keeping track of Alex's age in months. Now she's two. That's what I will tell people. Now she runs and climbs (everything) and has friends and makes projects at "school". Now, Alex talks all the time (3-5 word sentences, too), has a HUGE vocabulary that I can no longer keep track of, can sing almost all of her ABC's, knows colors and shapes and can count to seven pretty consistently. Now, she has an imagination and loves to pretend. She has a vibrant, sassy, strong personality and likes to test the boundaries. But she's such a sweetie...and such a good listener (mostly). She's a toddler yes...but she is so different from last year, from her last birthday....she's more of a "kid" now.
It's all going so fast. Two years. Where did that time go? It scares me that it has gone so quickly. I want to slow down/stop time....but I am so enjoying all the stages that I very much look forward to what the future has in store. Bittersweet, most definitely. I'm torn, without a doubt. I've been a mom for two years; and there was a time when I doubted that I would ever get the chance to be a mom.
Two year ago today, Dan and I were at the hospital. I was being induced. We had stopped the induction for the night but would resume it the next day. My doctor came in to see me and said that "One way or another, we'll have a baby tomorrow". That night, two years ago, I was actually probably more scared than anything. I had so longed to be a mother, had focused so much on getting pregnant and staying pregnant, that I never really thought about how life would completely change. In the hospital room that night, the night before we had our baby...I actually let myself imagine a life with a baby for the first time. I finally relaxed and let myself believe that we would have the baby....and that brought out all the fears that some women have at the start of their pregnancies.
So it was an amazing, exciting, scary, petrifying night, the night before I gave birth. I hope to God we get to do it all again.
Happy Birthday to my baby girl, Alexandra Eva <3 <3 My dream for her is to have a long. happy. healthy life. I don't care what she does...I just want her to be happy.
I took tomorrow off for her birthday....so we get to go to her two year appointment and then will be off to have fun...meeting Noni for lunch and then going to the mall play place and bounce house. Should be a good day!!!
I can't describe how bittersweet this is for me. I think that I am feeling more sentimental about this birthday than her first birthday. She's not a baby any longer. Last year-at only 12 months-she was still so little, still such a baby. She was only just weaning off of bottles and formula...she was still crawling....only speaking a handful of words. My Alex was more a baby than a toddler at 12 months.
Now, I will no longer be keeping track of Alex's age in months. Now she's two. That's what I will tell people. Now she runs and climbs (everything) and has friends and makes projects at "school". Now, Alex talks all the time (3-5 word sentences, too), has a HUGE vocabulary that I can no longer keep track of, can sing almost all of her ABC's, knows colors and shapes and can count to seven pretty consistently. Now, she has an imagination and loves to pretend. She has a vibrant, sassy, strong personality and likes to test the boundaries. But she's such a sweetie...and such a good listener (mostly). She's a toddler yes...but she is so different from last year, from her last birthday....she's more of a "kid" now.
It's all going so fast. Two years. Where did that time go? It scares me that it has gone so quickly. I want to slow down/stop time....but I am so enjoying all the stages that I very much look forward to what the future has in store. Bittersweet, most definitely. I'm torn, without a doubt. I've been a mom for two years; and there was a time when I doubted that I would ever get the chance to be a mom.
Two year ago today, Dan and I were at the hospital. I was being induced. We had stopped the induction for the night but would resume it the next day. My doctor came in to see me and said that "One way or another, we'll have a baby tomorrow". That night, two years ago, I was actually probably more scared than anything. I had so longed to be a mother, had focused so much on getting pregnant and staying pregnant, that I never really thought about how life would completely change. In the hospital room that night, the night before we had our baby...I actually let myself imagine a life with a baby for the first time. I finally relaxed and let myself believe that we would have the baby....and that brought out all the fears that some women have at the start of their pregnancies.
So it was an amazing, exciting, scary, petrifying night, the night before I gave birth. I hope to God we get to do it all again.
Happy Birthday to my baby girl, Alexandra Eva <3 <3 My dream for her is to have a long. happy. healthy life. I don't care what she does...I just want her to be happy.
I took tomorrow off for her birthday....so we get to go to her two year appointment and then will be off to have fun...meeting Noni for lunch and then going to the mall play place and bounce house. Should be a good day!!!
The day I went into the hospital to begin induction
A few minutes old
Proud daddy....holding an Alex only minutes old (still in the delivery room)
First day at home
Two years later <3
What the *Bleep* Was I thinking?
Seriously! What the heck was I thinking when I agreed to wait another month to begin treatments??? I must have been mentally impaired by an unknown source....undetected gas leak or something? Why did I think that I would be ok with this? That the month would go fast? That waiting a month wouldn't really matter in the scheme of things?
Holy heck...I must have been nuts! I. am. going. crazy. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. In my most "crazy" moments, I even think about just telling the doctor that I am only on day 3 or 4....you know, instead of day 10. I know, shameful. And I won't really....but man it's tempting! The craziness is reigning!
Now I know our reasons for waiting. But part of me now thinks that we were silly to wait another month. It's just another month of doing nothing and the chances of us getting pregnant that first month of treatments is fairly small anyway. Our reason for waiting-wanting to go to Australia to see Dan's grandmother and not being super pregnant-probably wouldn't have happened anyway.
I guess I'm just feeling kind of down at the moment. I'm sick of waiting. I like having a plan, I like taking action. Even if our first cycle wasn't successful, just knowing that we were taking action would help me feel better. I guess I'm just regretting our decision. This cycle can't end fast enough...
Holy heck...I must have been nuts! I. am. going. crazy. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. In my most "crazy" moments, I even think about just telling the doctor that I am only on day 3 or 4....you know, instead of day 10. I know, shameful. And I won't really....but man it's tempting! The craziness is reigning!
Now I know our reasons for waiting. But part of me now thinks that we were silly to wait another month. It's just another month of doing nothing and the chances of us getting pregnant that first month of treatments is fairly small anyway. Our reason for waiting-wanting to go to Australia to see Dan's grandmother and not being super pregnant-probably wouldn't have happened anyway.
I guess I'm just feeling kind of down at the moment. I'm sick of waiting. I like having a plan, I like taking action. Even if our first cycle wasn't successful, just knowing that we were taking action would help me feel better. I guess I'm just regretting our decision. This cycle can't end fast enough...
All bundled up in several layers-poor kid, lol
First time actually playing in snow. I know, I'm a bad mom that it took me so long to get her out there.
Sledding!
Ivan thought it was great fun to chase the sled!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Updates...Sort Of....
Well, unfortunately....we are in pretty much the same position as last month: waiting.
The plan was to go back to our specialist this month to begin treatments. That changed. Why, you ask? Because, last month I was hell bent on beginning treatments asap.
Basically....we got a phone call from Australia. Dan's mum was calling to tell us that his grandmother was doing pretty poorly. Basically, she has end stage kidney disease. She's 82. She's too weak for dialysis and is too weak for any type of surgical intervention. Basically, they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible and trying to control some of the kidney issues through diet (limiting protein and fat, etc). What it comes down to is that she doesn't have too long to go :( We'll be lucky if she makes it to next Christmas and making it to the summer of 2013 looks pretty unlikely (which is the only other time we'd be able to go out, except for this summer). Dan's parents aren't visiting us this year because they are too worried about being far from her--understandably so.
Ok...the point of all this is that if we began treatments right away and became pregnant right away (as unlikely as it may be), that would put me around 26 weeks when we go to Australia this summer. And we are now definitely sure we want to go, given the fact that Oma is so sick :( It will probably be our last time to see her, and for Alex to spend time with her. Anyway, I digress. I don't want to be traveling that late because if we stay a month, I would be flying home at 30 weeks. That worries me a bit because the flight time is basically 24 hours AND I was diagnosed with mild pre-eclampsia with my last pregnancy at 34 weeks. I just want to be close to my doctor as I near 30 weeks...just in case. Plus, given my history-I don't know if my OB will even want me traveling that late in my pregnancy.
So...we are holding off. It was a very tough decision...but we feel very strongly that we NEED to get out there this summer (my only large amount of time off) to see Oma.
THE GOOD NEWS is....we are only waiting a month!!! So it's not too bad :) I mean, the waiting sucks, but a month shouldn't be too torturous. That way, just waiting a few weeks...I'd only be going over at 21-22 weeks preggo (again, if first time is a charm). I'd be that much smaller and more comfortable...and flying home at 25-26 weeks versus 30. That's a little more sane sounding to me! I do feel a little bit silly planning this around fertility treatments because, chances are the first cycle (and even the second, etc) won't be "our" lucky cycle. But...there's always a chance and we really want to make certain that we are out there this summer.....
Gah! Watch what happens now....with all this planning and changing of plans...it'll take me FOREVER to get pregnant!
So...I did finally get my period and I am now on cycle day six. Only a few weeks to go. Wonder if I'll get a BFP as a "reward" for being such an accommodating wife ;) But I'm telling you this...NO MORE WAITING after this month. I'm done!
The plan was to go back to our specialist this month to begin treatments. That changed. Why, you ask? Because, last month I was hell bent on beginning treatments asap.
Basically....we got a phone call from Australia. Dan's mum was calling to tell us that his grandmother was doing pretty poorly. Basically, she has end stage kidney disease. She's 82. She's too weak for dialysis and is too weak for any type of surgical intervention. Basically, they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible and trying to control some of the kidney issues through diet (limiting protein and fat, etc). What it comes down to is that she doesn't have too long to go :( We'll be lucky if she makes it to next Christmas and making it to the summer of 2013 looks pretty unlikely (which is the only other time we'd be able to go out, except for this summer). Dan's parents aren't visiting us this year because they are too worried about being far from her--understandably so.
Ok...the point of all this is that if we began treatments right away and became pregnant right away (as unlikely as it may be), that would put me around 26 weeks when we go to Australia this summer. And we are now definitely sure we want to go, given the fact that Oma is so sick :( It will probably be our last time to see her, and for Alex to spend time with her. Anyway, I digress. I don't want to be traveling that late because if we stay a month, I would be flying home at 30 weeks. That worries me a bit because the flight time is basically 24 hours AND I was diagnosed with mild pre-eclampsia with my last pregnancy at 34 weeks. I just want to be close to my doctor as I near 30 weeks...just in case. Plus, given my history-I don't know if my OB will even want me traveling that late in my pregnancy.
So...we are holding off. It was a very tough decision...but we feel very strongly that we NEED to get out there this summer (my only large amount of time off) to see Oma.
THE GOOD NEWS is....we are only waiting a month!!! So it's not too bad :) I mean, the waiting sucks, but a month shouldn't be too torturous. That way, just waiting a few weeks...I'd only be going over at 21-22 weeks preggo (again, if first time is a charm). I'd be that much smaller and more comfortable...and flying home at 25-26 weeks versus 30. That's a little more sane sounding to me! I do feel a little bit silly planning this around fertility treatments because, chances are the first cycle (and even the second, etc) won't be "our" lucky cycle. But...there's always a chance and we really want to make certain that we are out there this summer.....
Gah! Watch what happens now....with all this planning and changing of plans...it'll take me FOREVER to get pregnant!
So...I did finally get my period and I am now on cycle day six. Only a few weeks to go. Wonder if I'll get a BFP as a "reward" for being such an accommodating wife ;) But I'm telling you this...NO MORE WAITING after this month. I'm done!
Visiting a local museum
Sweet playground!
Alex and I after sliding down a 2+ story slide!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Those 25 Seconds After Taking a Pregnancy Test...
Those several seconds after peeing on a pregnancy test stick are brutal. You all probably know what I am talking about. You know, those 25-30 seconds where you wait and watch, and you're probably still on the can yourself. Those seconds are torture, brutal, misleading. Ahhhh...how many times have I become excited because I *thought* I saw something-a little trace of color-only to have it fade as quickly as it came...and then the control line gets darker and darker and darker (if you're wondering, First Response, Early Response is my test of choice). In my post pregnancy test reflection, I realize that there never was a line, actually. It was just the dye moving across the window to light up the control line like a Christmas tree. But man, those few seconds-those seconds when the test line is ever so slightly illuminated...man, what a tease. I may just begin using digitals from now on.
Can you guess I recently tested? And I bet you can also guess the result?
But 2012 is a new year, a new start! While I know that my husband and I would LOVE a healthy baby, the more important thing is that we are all together and that we are healthy. A baby would be the absolute icing on the cake. But life is pretty darn good already (knock on wood-because I'm superstitious).
Have a wonderful night and a fertile 2012!
Can you guess I recently tested? And I bet you can also guess the result?
But 2012 is a new year, a new start! While I know that my husband and I would LOVE a healthy baby, the more important thing is that we are all together and that we are healthy. A baby would be the absolute icing on the cake. But life is pretty darn good already (knock on wood-because I'm superstitious).
Have a wonderful night and a fertile 2012!
Some pics of Alex at her gymnastics class
Friday, December 30, 2011
Cycle Day 30
Cycle Day 30...and NO end in sight! Seriously, it doesn't even feel like my period is anywhere on its way. I'm not bloated, not crampy, not spotting. I'm thinking that there's pretty much nothing happening. Its gotta come sometime, right???
So some of you might be wondering...."why doesn't she just go in and get some progesterone to bring on her period"? Well, that had been the plan. The NP told me that if I hadn't gotten my period by the 28th or 29th day of my cycle, I could come in and get that prescription. And why haven't I done that??? Well, basically, it has been a crazzzzyyyy week!
We had a nice Christmas (mostly), but it was not smooth sailing! On Christmas Eve (fortunately at the very end of the night, at about 10pm) Alex began saying, "Ear hurt" and was crying. She was pretty uncomfortable all night and so Dan and I didn't get much sleep either. I ended up getting sick to my stomach Christmas Eve night as well (an adverse reaction to clam sauce, I think) and Dan managed to tweak his back around this time as well. We were a mess. So Christmas Day, while fun, was probably not the best we have ever had-or will have. Alex was still sick and vomited twice and did not want to eat. She had fun opening presents, but was not herself. Alex has also begun teething these last few days-2 year molars! So that hasn't been fun for her :( Anyway, it was a crazy week with all of us getting sick at different times, with doctor's appointments and a teething baby and redoing a guest bedroom to a play room. Yep-never made it to the specialist. But I figure that I will give it another few days and go in if my period doesn't start. Heck, at this point in time...what's the big deal with waiting a few more days??? My friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test, since my period is late (well, late in comparison to my last few cycles). I laughed at her and told her there was no way I was pregnant. Really, I no longer even trick myself into thinking that I could be anymore. You have to ovulate to get pregnant. That's kind of essential. I think that I would pretty much pass out from shock if I did test and it was positive!
Let's see, more updates....just found out (via FaceBook) that another friend is pregnant :O Ummmm, I brought Alex to a bounce-house place today (first day any of us have felt good) and it was pretty much like every women there had not only one older child, but an infant as well. I was totally surrounded! One woman (we kind of chatted) had a daughter Alex's age and infant twins-boy and girl. Gosh, I bet you guys can understand how tempted I was to ask her if they were fertility treatment twins! LOL-don't worry, I contained myself. That would be a little creepy if I had asked....
And some pics, of course :)
So some of you might be wondering...."why doesn't she just go in and get some progesterone to bring on her period"? Well, that had been the plan. The NP told me that if I hadn't gotten my period by the 28th or 29th day of my cycle, I could come in and get that prescription. And why haven't I done that??? Well, basically, it has been a crazzzzyyyy week!
We had a nice Christmas (mostly), but it was not smooth sailing! On Christmas Eve (fortunately at the very end of the night, at about 10pm) Alex began saying, "Ear hurt" and was crying. She was pretty uncomfortable all night and so Dan and I didn't get much sleep either. I ended up getting sick to my stomach Christmas Eve night as well (an adverse reaction to clam sauce, I think) and Dan managed to tweak his back around this time as well. We were a mess. So Christmas Day, while fun, was probably not the best we have ever had-or will have. Alex was still sick and vomited twice and did not want to eat. She had fun opening presents, but was not herself. Alex has also begun teething these last few days-2 year molars! So that hasn't been fun for her :( Anyway, it was a crazy week with all of us getting sick at different times, with doctor's appointments and a teething baby and redoing a guest bedroom to a play room. Yep-never made it to the specialist. But I figure that I will give it another few days and go in if my period doesn't start. Heck, at this point in time...what's the big deal with waiting a few more days??? My friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test, since my period is late (well, late in comparison to my last few cycles). I laughed at her and told her there was no way I was pregnant. Really, I no longer even trick myself into thinking that I could be anymore. You have to ovulate to get pregnant. That's kind of essential. I think that I would pretty much pass out from shock if I did test and it was positive!
Let's see, more updates....just found out (via FaceBook) that another friend is pregnant :O Ummmm, I brought Alex to a bounce-house place today (first day any of us have felt good) and it was pretty much like every women there had not only one older child, but an infant as well. I was totally surrounded! One woman (we kind of chatted) had a daughter Alex's age and infant twins-boy and girl. Gosh, I bet you guys can understand how tempted I was to ask her if they were fertility treatment twins! LOL-don't worry, I contained myself. That would be a little creepy if I had asked....
And some pics, of course :)
Christmas Eve, opening a present with Noni
LOVE this pic...and that dress!
Hanging out with her cousin on the stairs...the cool place to be, apparently
Christmas Morning...Santa brought a dollhouse!
And her Nana and Deda from Australia got her a kitchen!
Vet kit
The carnage!
Christmas Day opening presents at Noni and G-Pop's house
Opening yet more presents at her great aunt and uncle's house
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas!
I hope that everyone has a blessed holiday and enjoys this special time with loved ones. And may 2012 be an especially fertile year for you! I hope that anyone who finds their way to this blog (or any blog about infertility, for that matter) is blessed with a pregnancy or baby this time next year. Things can change instantly...even when it appears as though nothing is working. You never know what is in store for you!
And to those not pregnant at the moment, may you indulge in copious amounts of alcohol this holiday season...or if that's not your thing...may you indulge in mercury laden seafood and cold-cuts. It is my wish that we all (myself included) are round oompa loompa's next year and have kankles instead of ankles and will be discussing heartburn with our relatives after a big Christmas dinner. In other words, by this time next year...I hope that we are all knocked up...or as they would say in Australia..... "Up the duff"....
Keep the hope. In my own life, in the lives of people I know, I've seen miracles happen. If you have it in you, just keep going...
Have a wonderful few days :)
Oh...and PS....Period still hasn't come...still waiting, waiting, waiting.....
My presents from Alexandra:
And to those not pregnant at the moment, may you indulge in copious amounts of alcohol this holiday season...or if that's not your thing...may you indulge in mercury laden seafood and cold-cuts. It is my wish that we all (myself included) are round oompa loompa's next year and have kankles instead of ankles and will be discussing heartburn with our relatives after a big Christmas dinner. In other words, by this time next year...I hope that we are all knocked up...or as they would say in Australia..... "Up the duff"....
Keep the hope. In my own life, in the lives of people I know, I've seen miracles happen. If you have it in you, just keep going...
Have a wonderful few days :)
Oh...and PS....Period still hasn't come...still waiting, waiting, waiting.....
My presents from Alexandra:
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