So I have been feeling pretty sad all day :( My ultrasound didn't go great. The good news first: my lining is at an 11, which is up from an 8 on Thursday (and they only want it to be at 7 for triggering). So yes, I was very happy with that. The not-so-great news: no measurable follicles. I mean, I have a ton, in true PCOS fashion...but nothing taking the dominant role yet. The nurse didn't seem concerned and said this was very typical for PCOS. All the nurses and doctors keep repeating the same thing to me: "low and slow". This is their approach to dealing with PCOS.
But that's not even the news that got me upset. I take awhile to develop good follicles. This I remember. It sucks, but I can deal-as long as SOMETHING develops. The bad news, the thing that has had me down pretty much all day is that my estrogen levels DROPPED from 68 to 56 :( That's not supposed to happen. Those levels are supposed to steadily increase. So once I got those numbers (on the secure patient part of the website), I called the on-call nurse who said that they want to keep me at the SAME dose I have been on. The reason? Because women with PCOS have levels and follicles that can take off and go super high in a day or two. They are afraid of this happening.
So my big fear, of course, is that we'll have to cancel the cycle :( :( All the monitoring, early morning ultrasounds, blood draws, roller coaster of emotions....it would be all for nothing if we cancel. I think that I am more upset about the prospect of not even getting the chance to try to get pregnant, than if we did the IUI and for whatever reason didn't end up pregnant. The thing I don't get is how my lining could have thickened if my estrogen fell????
Please send some good wishes my way :( I had envisioned things going slightly better than this. I know that it's just a bump in the road, but it just sends me straight back to life as I knew it three years ago. All those fears and inadequacies from before were never really gone, I guess...just hiding under the surface.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monitoring Ultrasound #1
Monitoring ultrasound #1 was....."eh". Pretty anticlimactic actually. My appointment was at 6:30am, which meant that I had to leave the house at 6 and usually I'm NOT even awake by that point, much less showered, changed and leaving the house. So that was a challenge. And as much as getting up that early (5am) sucked, thank God for early morning appointments or else I don't know how I would work this all out with my work schedule.
Anyway, tangent over. So basically, there were NO follicles on either ovary that were big enough to be worth measuring. I went into the ultrasound trying to be prepared that we don't usually see much in the very beginning. And really, I had only been stimming three days. But it was still disappointing to see that my ovaries were looking very PCOS in nature-a gazillion tiny follicles, but none taking the dominant path. All the nurse really said was that my follicles were being stubborn. She didn't seem too concerned though. My lining was good though! Already almost an 8 when they like to see it at 7 for IVF or an IUI! So that's a bit of good news.
Anyway, I've been upped from 75 units of Gonal to 112.5 units. Not a very big jump, but they are afraid of overstimulating me. Hopefully it's enough to wake my sluggish ovaries up. Estrogen was only at 68....so we have a ways to go! My big fear, of course, is that I am not going to respond properly to the medicine. I tend to take a long time while stimming, so none of this is unusual. Still nervous about it though.
Next ultrasound it Saturday morning...hoping that it is a little bit more eventful in the follicle department! Geez....I hope I have something that is at least measurable!
Anyway, tangent over. So basically, there were NO follicles on either ovary that were big enough to be worth measuring. I went into the ultrasound trying to be prepared that we don't usually see much in the very beginning. And really, I had only been stimming three days. But it was still disappointing to see that my ovaries were looking very PCOS in nature-a gazillion tiny follicles, but none taking the dominant path. All the nurse really said was that my follicles were being stubborn. She didn't seem too concerned though. My lining was good though! Already almost an 8 when they like to see it at 7 for IVF or an IUI! So that's a bit of good news.
Anyway, I've been upped from 75 units of Gonal to 112.5 units. Not a very big jump, but they are afraid of overstimulating me. Hopefully it's enough to wake my sluggish ovaries up. Estrogen was only at 68....so we have a ways to go! My big fear, of course, is that I am not going to respond properly to the medicine. I tend to take a long time while stimming, so none of this is unusual. Still nervous about it though.
Next ultrasound it Saturday morning...hoping that it is a little bit more eventful in the follicle department! Geez....I hope I have something that is at least measurable!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Stupid Statistics.
Ugh. Statistics are getting me down :( Yes. I am down at only cycle day 7 (and only day three of stimming). I just keep thinking about that 20% success (for IUI/injections) rate per cycle--and that's 20% on the *higher* end. I could be looking at 10-15% odds :( But lets not go there. We'll stay with 20%. You know what that means? That means that there is an 80% chance that this cycle will be a bust. That it will fail. Crap.
I know, I know. I shouldn't read so much into statistics; they don't tell the whole story, after all. There are an infinite amount of variables that go into whether a cycle is successful or not. But it's still daunting. I'm not usually a "glass half empty" kind of girl, but I'm not loving 20%. It's like....what the heck...after all the medications and stimming and monitoring and blood draws and ultrasounds (transvag., no less!) and 6:30am appointments....shouldn't the chance for failure be somewhat less than 80%??? I honestly do not know how people reconcile those odds when they are paying out of pocket for treatments. My heart goes out to them :(
So anyway. Tomorrow I go in for my first monitoring ultrasound. I'm not really expecting it to be exciting, as it's still so early in my cycle and I don't usually show much happening at this point. My guess is that they will raise my Gonal-F dosage by one or two units. I'm not feeling much happening "down" there, which is typical for me even when stimming...but I *think* that I have a bit more cervical mucus than usual (darn it, but I hate that phrase! Mucus...blech!).
Just found out today that one of my good friends (lives out of town now) is having a baby girl :) This friend also has PCOS and while she never admitted to any sort of treatments, I'm guessing that she had something. And I'll admit it. I'm jealous. Happy and jealous. I think this one hit a chord with me because I absolutely love love love having a girl. I would LOVE to have another girl...even have a name tentatively picked out (still has to pass the husband test). So I actually think that hearing that it was a girl made it sting a little bit more, despite the fact that she absolutely deserves a healthy baby and they will be great parents. Oh, and Fertility Gods--just for the record--we would be absolutely THRILLED with a healthy baby boy too. Just sayin' ;)
I know, I know. I shouldn't read so much into statistics; they don't tell the whole story, after all. There are an infinite amount of variables that go into whether a cycle is successful or not. But it's still daunting. I'm not usually a "glass half empty" kind of girl, but I'm not loving 20%. It's like....what the heck...after all the medications and stimming and monitoring and blood draws and ultrasounds (transvag., no less!) and 6:30am appointments....shouldn't the chance for failure be somewhat less than 80%??? I honestly do not know how people reconcile those odds when they are paying out of pocket for treatments. My heart goes out to them :(
So anyway. Tomorrow I go in for my first monitoring ultrasound. I'm not really expecting it to be exciting, as it's still so early in my cycle and I don't usually show much happening at this point. My guess is that they will raise my Gonal-F dosage by one or two units. I'm not feeling much happening "down" there, which is typical for me even when stimming...but I *think* that I have a bit more cervical mucus than usual (darn it, but I hate that phrase! Mucus...blech!).
Just found out today that one of my good friends (lives out of town now) is having a baby girl :) This friend also has PCOS and while she never admitted to any sort of treatments, I'm guessing that she had something. And I'll admit it. I'm jealous. Happy and jealous. I think this one hit a chord with me because I absolutely love love love having a girl. I would LOVE to have another girl...even have a name tentatively picked out (still has to pass the husband test). So I actually think that hearing that it was a girl made it sting a little bit more, despite the fact that she absolutely deserves a healthy baby and they will be great parents. Oh, and Fertility Gods--just for the record--we would be absolutely THRILLED with a healthy baby boy too. Just sayin' ;)
Monday, February 6, 2012
Baseline, check!
Good news...no cysts...we're all ready to go! We're starting out with 75 units of Gonal for today, Tuesday and Wednesday. I go back for another ultrasound on Thursday and again on Saturday. They are being conservative with the dosing because of my (relatively) young age, the fact that I have already had a baby, and my pcos means that I am more likely to over-stim. But I'm pretty confident that they will need to raise the dose-I don't remember 75 units ever doing that much for me before, but I guess things could be different now, almost three years (and one baby) later.
So I have already taken my Gonal and Lupron shots. It's like riding a bike, really...but I don't remember the Gonal shot stinging so much going in. Oh well, I am sure I will get used to it. Ok...well I'm drained! Night!
So I have already taken my Gonal and Lupron shots. It's like riding a bike, really...but I don't remember the Gonal shot stinging so much going in. Oh well, I am sure I will get used to it. Ok...well I'm drained! Night!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Send it MY Way....
Some "no cyst" dust, that is! Because, and I'm being serious, if my medicated cycle is delayed by a cyst...I will (very) likely fall apart into a sobbing mass on the exam table. I've done it before, I can do it again. Those poor nurses...having to deal with me (and hormonal women like me) before 9am.
Anyway, I'm ready and rearing to go. Today has been an "excited" day, where I have been largely optimistic throughout the day. Most negative fertility related thoughts have been kept at bay-go me! I did realize, however, upon leaving the shower, that I now need to keep up on a STRICT shaving schedule. Now I think that most women relax with leg shaving in the winter. I, for example, tend to shave the bottom half of my legs more than the top during the winter. Welllll....that's gotta change. So now I have got to take the extra time in the morning to shave my WHOLE leg. And trust me...mornings at my house...I have not a minute to spare! But whatever....if I get a baby, I guess that it's small potatoes. If this cycle does not yield a baby, then that's another story. Kind of similar to the song "I shaved my legs for this?!" isn't it?
Wish me luck!
Anyway, I'm ready and rearing to go. Today has been an "excited" day, where I have been largely optimistic throughout the day. Most negative fertility related thoughts have been kept at bay-go me! I did realize, however, upon leaving the shower, that I now need to keep up on a STRICT shaving schedule. Now I think that most women relax with leg shaving in the winter. I, for example, tend to shave the bottom half of my legs more than the top during the winter. Welllll....that's gotta change. So now I have got to take the extra time in the morning to shave my WHOLE leg. And trust me...mornings at my house...I have not a minute to spare! But whatever....if I get a baby, I guess that it's small potatoes. If this cycle does not yield a baby, then that's another story. Kind of similar to the song "I shaved my legs for this?!" isn't it?
Wish me luck!
There it is...my Gonal-F pen refrigerated and ready to go! Right next to the bread and left over spinach calzone ;)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Let the Mind Games Begin....
It's like magic: baseline scheduled....BAM....mind games begin! I'm talking about being transported back to my old ttc/pre-Alex days. It's amazing how, despite all that's happened in the last three years, I can revert back to my old fertility related madness. For instance, I found myself Googling "success rates per cycle for IUI and Injections". OMG. Seriously!?! I totally can't be doing this already?! Surely I can't be slipping back into my old obsessive tendencies quite yet? Shouldn't I at least have one failed medicated cycle under my belt before I go reasearch crazy? *sigh* It's obscene how much time I used to spend on Google....
And oh wait! Here comes my other crazy tendency, back to torture me: the good ol' "all or nothing" line of thinking.
What do I mean by this? Well....one second I feel superbly about this coming cycle. I feel like it will most definitely, absolutely work the first time and we'll be blessed with a healthy child in 9+ months from now. I'm chafing at the bit to get those darned injections into me. I'm confident, I'm happy....I'm dreaming about the "Big Sister" shirt that I will buy Alexandra.
And then the crash. The persistent thought that nothing will ever work...that I am an idiot and should have begun treatments A LOT sooner because they will take forever to work. That there's no way in hell that my first cycle will give us a baby and that I'm silly to even entertain such thoughts. That I will be lucky if Alex is 10 by the time we have another baby....might as well give away all the baby clothes I have. That Alex was a one-time divine intervention and we were just really really ridiculously lucky.....And so on...
Honestly. How is it even possible to convince myself of my cycle's failure before I even start? My specialist, who is very VERY holistic, would have an absolute fit!
So what will happen? Who the heck knows?! The reality is probably somewhere in the middle....which doesn't make me super happy because I want to be pregnant n.o.w.
Just so you know....that internet search about IUI/Injection success rates.....the quote was anywhere from 6% to 20% success rate/cycle. Damn. I hate Google.
And oh wait! Here comes my other crazy tendency, back to torture me: the good ol' "all or nothing" line of thinking.
What do I mean by this? Well....one second I feel superbly about this coming cycle. I feel like it will most definitely, absolutely work the first time and we'll be blessed with a healthy child in 9+ months from now. I'm chafing at the bit to get those darned injections into me. I'm confident, I'm happy....I'm dreaming about the "Big Sister" shirt that I will buy Alexandra.
And then the crash. The persistent thought that nothing will ever work...that I am an idiot and should have begun treatments A LOT sooner because they will take forever to work. That there's no way in hell that my first cycle will give us a baby and that I'm silly to even entertain such thoughts. That I will be lucky if Alex is 10 by the time we have another baby....might as well give away all the baby clothes I have. That Alex was a one-time divine intervention and we were just really really ridiculously lucky.....And so on...
Honestly. How is it even possible to convince myself of my cycle's failure before I even start? My specialist, who is very VERY holistic, would have an absolute fit!
So what will happen? Who the heck knows?! The reality is probably somewhere in the middle....which doesn't make me super happy because I want to be pregnant n.o.w.
Just so you know....that internet search about IUI/Injection success rates.....the quote was anywhere from 6% to 20% success rate/cycle. Damn. I hate Google.
At a bounce-house birthday party...Dan taking Alex down the big slide
Wheeeee!
Bouncin' with the birthday boy
Friday, February 3, 2012
BASELINE!
That's right...my baseline ultrasound is scheduled: Monday at 8:15 am! Good ol' Aunt Flo came full force today; and of course, the old bat came at like 3:30...so too late to get in today...and they only take emergencies on Saturdays....sooooo...Monday it is! But I can't complain too much. At least she came. At least it's not cycle day 64 and I'm still waiting. Now if only she will stay far far far away this time next cycle!
I figure I will be starting my Gonal-F injections right on Monday, as I will be on day 4 by then. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm dreading the whole "every other day" monitoring thing. I now know what goes into stimming and treatments, which may be a good thing and a bad thing simultaneously. But, once again, I can only be grateful that such treatments exist. Thank God I wasn't born 50 (or even 40) years ago! LOL...I started to type "30" and then realized...what the hell?! I'm 31? How DID that happen?????
Anyway, if anyone would like to send some fertile dust my way-I would surely take it!
I figure I will be starting my Gonal-F injections right on Monday, as I will be on day 4 by then. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm dreading the whole "every other day" monitoring thing. I now know what goes into stimming and treatments, which may be a good thing and a bad thing simultaneously. But, once again, I can only be grateful that such treatments exist. Thank God I wasn't born 50 (or even 40) years ago! LOL...I started to type "30" and then realized...what the hell?! I'm 31? How DID that happen?????
Anyway, if anyone would like to send some fertile dust my way-I would surely take it!
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