Saturday, February 4, 2012

Let the Mind Games Begin....

It's like magic: baseline scheduled....BAM....mind games begin! I'm talking about being transported back to my old ttc/pre-Alex days. It's amazing how, despite all that's happened in the last three years, I can revert back to my old fertility related madness. For instance, I found myself Googling "success rates per cycle for IUI and Injections". OMG. Seriously!?! I totally can't be doing this already?! Surely I can't be slipping back into my old obsessive tendencies quite yet? Shouldn't I at least have one failed medicated cycle under my belt before I go reasearch crazy?  *sigh* It's obscene how much time I used to spend on Google....

And oh wait! Here comes my other crazy tendency, back to torture me: the good ol' "all or nothing" line of thinking.

What do I mean by this? second I feel superbly about this coming cycle. I feel like it will most definitely, absolutely work the first time and we'll be blessed with a healthy child in 9+ months from now. I'm chafing at the bit to get those darned injections into me. I'm confident, I'm happy....I'm dreaming about the "Big Sister" shirt that I will buy Alexandra.

And then the crash. The persistent thought that nothing will ever work...that I am an idiot and should have begun treatments A LOT sooner because they will take forever to work. That there's no way in hell that my first cycle will give us a baby and that I'm silly to even entertain such thoughts. That I will be lucky if Alex is 10 by the time we have another baby....might as well give away all the baby clothes I have. That Alex was a one-time divine intervention and we were just really really ridiculously lucky.....And so on...

Honestly. How is it even possible to convince myself of my cycle's failure before I even start? My specialist, who is very VERY holistic, would have an absolute fit!

So what will happen? Who the heck knows?! The reality is probably somewhere in the middle....which doesn't make me super happy because I want to be pregnant n.o.w.

Just so you know....that internet search about IUI/Injection success rates.....the quote was anywhere from 6% to 20% success rate/cycle. Damn. I hate Google.

 At a bounce-house birthday party...Dan taking Alex down the big slide


Bouncin' with the birthday boy

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