Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I May Have Hit Rock Bottom...

I may have hit rock bottom-for this cycle (because I refuse to be overly dramatic). I was right. It was cursed. Three weeks of stimming, a week of feeling like shit, all those doctor's appointments....

So if you haven't guessed, my fertilization report was NOT good. I almost started crying when they told me, but was able to contain it.

21 eggs retrieved
13 were mature and they were able to do ICSI
4 (4!) were fertilized by today

Four! I think I want to vomit. How can I only have four eggs be good-out of 21. I am feeling pretty devastated at the moment...especially because I know that all four won't survive to blast stage. I'll be **lucky** if two survive and are of good quality. I literally feel sick over the whole thing.

I am just hating my body right now. It won't ovulate on its own, and it won't even produce good quality eggs. I really thought we would have good quality eggs, with many being fertilized. I mean, we got pregnant with Alex on our first round of injections and I only had TWO eggs then. I thought that meant that I would have no quality issues. Perhaps we were just supremely blessed!

PCOS. I know the egg quality issues have to do with PCOS. How can it be so debilitating in so many ways??? I realize that everyone has their cross to bare, and that this is mine. But I still hate it. I hate that Dan and I have to go through this roller coaster. I was hoping that this would be the last time I would have to stim. That even if a fresh cycle didn't take, we would have embryo's for a frozen cycle and they would take. Now I strongly doubt that we will have anything to freeze. I don't even know if we will have anything to transfer at this point!  And cue the tears to start....

I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. How is it so hard for me to do something that is as easy as breathing for so many women? How can I not do something that women are wired to do?

So anyway...Dr. K still feels that some may still fertilize. I don't see how, if they haven't, by this point. But I guess he still thinks so. I think he's being overly optimistic. Maybe it's because they weren't even retrieved until around 2pm yesterday...maybe they just haven't had enough time. But in my heart, I don't think so. He is still planning on a five day transfer. I think he's a little bit nuts. But I'm supposed to call on Thursday to check on my little embryos. And see if I have any more...

But we may be switching to a three day transfer. That's fine. I just hope that some of my little guys make it :(

I'm so sad, so discouraged, so mad at my body...

If you can... could you send up a quick prayer for (or think some good vibes for) my four little guys? We need all the good vibes we can get...

5 comments:

  1. Just wrote to you on FB... I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know 100% how you feel...

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  2. Thanks for the support, Melissa :)

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  4. I'm so sorry you got such a crappy fertilization report. I'm hoping more fertilize in time. My first IVF cycle was very similar in that only 5 fertilized and I was devastated.

    I hope you still end up with some great embryos. I'll be thinking of you and your little dividing cells.

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  5. Thanks, Liz! I'm hoping the ones that did fertilize are good quality! How are you feeling?

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