Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I May Have Hit Rock Bottom...

I may have hit rock bottom-for this cycle (because I refuse to be overly dramatic). I was right. It was cursed. Three weeks of stimming, a week of feeling like shit, all those doctor's appointments....

So if you haven't guessed, my fertilization report was NOT good. I almost started crying when they told me, but was able to contain it.

21 eggs retrieved
13 were mature and they were able to do ICSI
4 (4!) were fertilized by today

Four! I think I want to vomit. How can I only have four eggs be good-out of 21. I am feeling pretty devastated at the moment...especially because I know that all four won't survive to blast stage. I'll be **lucky** if two survive and are of good quality. I literally feel sick over the whole thing.

I am just hating my body right now. It won't ovulate on its own, and it won't even produce good quality eggs. I really thought we would have good quality eggs, with many being fertilized. I mean, we got pregnant with Alex on our first round of injections and I only had TWO eggs then. I thought that meant that I would have no quality issues. Perhaps we were just supremely blessed!

PCOS. I know the egg quality issues have to do with PCOS. How can it be so debilitating in so many ways??? I realize that everyone has their cross to bare, and that this is mine. But I still hate it. I hate that Dan and I have to go through this roller coaster. I was hoping that this would be the last time I would have to stim. That even if a fresh cycle didn't take, we would have embryo's for a frozen cycle and they would take. Now I strongly doubt that we will have anything to freeze. I don't even know if we will have anything to transfer at this point!  And cue the tears to start....

I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. How is it so hard for me to do something that is as easy as breathing for so many women? How can I not do something that women are wired to do?

So anyway...Dr. K still feels that some may still fertilize. I don't see how, if they haven't, by this point. But I guess he still thinks so. I think he's being overly optimistic. Maybe it's because they weren't even retrieved until around 2pm yesterday...maybe they just haven't had enough time. But in my heart, I don't think so. He is still planning on a five day transfer. I think he's a little bit nuts. But I'm supposed to call on Thursday to check on my little embryos. And see if I have any more...

But we may be switching to a three day transfer. That's fine. I just hope that some of my little guys make it :(

I'm so sad, so discouraged, so mad at my body...

If you can... could you send up a quick prayer for (or think some good vibes for) my four little guys? We need all the good vibes we can get...


  1. Just wrote to you on FB... I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know 100% how you feel...

  2. Thanks for the support, Melissa :)

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  4. I'm so sorry you got such a crappy fertilization report. I'm hoping more fertilize in time. My first IVF cycle was very similar in that only 5 fertilized and I was devastated.

    I hope you still end up with some great embryos. I'll be thinking of you and your little dividing cells.

  5. Thanks, Liz! I'm hoping the ones that did fertilize are good quality! How are you feeling?