May 26th!

The first test I took, one year ago today

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Alex!!! We had finished an injectable cycle with IUI and timed intercourse. I was SURE that the cycle had failed because I felt no different. In fact, I had a major breakdown the day before I found out because I just *knew* that I would never get pregnant and adoption would take sooooo long and cost sooooo much money. I was beginning to feel hopeless. Yeah-it was a major breakdown-complete with hyperventilation and gulping sobs. Poor Dan...he probably had no idea what to do with me!

Anyway, I woke up on the 26th early because Dan was going on a business trip to NYC. I thought briefly of taking a test, but decided to not waste our time because, of course, it would be negative. So I felt I was better off getting some more shut-eye. I woke up about two hours later and decided to take a test. I was always a poas-aholic! So I took a First Response and I can truly say that I was not expecting anything. I think some of that hope and optimism had left me by that point in our fertility struggle. I cannot even tell you how shocked I was to see that faint pink line show up on the stick! I think I stared at it for five minutes, not doing anything, just staring. Then I began WAR DIALING Dan, who was still on the flight. I was about to burst by the time I was able to get a hold of him. But I was adamant that he would be the first to know. I couldn't even come up with a creative way of telling him-just blurted it out! He was happy, but cautious too, given our loss in December. I remember that day being surreal and wonderful and scary. I guess I could describe my whole pregnancy as surreal, wonderful and scary. But we have our baby girl, who is asleep upstairs for the moment-and I made sure to tell her today about how, one year ago, she was a little blob (but a cute blob) in mommy's stomach.

Auntie Veronica is Coming!

First time in a bathing suit. One thing I learned: swim diapers don't hold stuff in very well!

Chilling in her sun hut

Having fun on mommy's bed!

Just as the title says, Auntie Veronica is arriving from Australia tomorrow :) Veronica is Dan's younger sister, who is only 18 months younger than he is. We both are very excited that she is coming and that she finally gets to meet Alexandra. She's the only one in the immediate family who still hasn't met our little one, as Dan's parents and youngest sister, Genevieve, were here in February.

So yes, we are most definitely looking forward to her visit. I get along with Veronica very well and really wish she lived closer. Heck-the same country would be nice! I imagine that we would probably be good friends if she were closer. I don't really know what we'll do for the three weeks she's here-but I'm sure we'll find all sorts of things to keep us busy! I'll probably bring her to the outlets one day, maybe do a wine tour on a weekend. For Memorial weekend, we are all going up to camp for the first time this year. Very exciting! Last time I was at camp, I was about 23 weeks pregnant and remember thinking that the next time I would be up, our baby would be coming with us! It will be Alex's first overnight trip (we'll be gone 3 nights actually) and packing with an infant should be interesting. It'll be good practice for our 3 week trip to Australia in July-that will be quite a feat! Anyway, I digress.

So Veronica was kind enough to offer to come and watch Alex while I go back to work for 3 weeks. I hate to leave Alex, but I know that she'll be in great hands with Veronica. And I'm so happy that after those 3 weeks, I have the summer off until September! Yay!!! Veronica is also going to be Alex's Godmother, so we really are very lucky to have timed her visit with Alex's Christening.

Anyway, that's about it for now...gotta hit the sack. Need to do some serious cleaning before Veronica comes, as well as laundry. Night all :)

Alex's First Birthday Party!

Alex with Aunt Jill

Alex & Reese...Reese is taking a nice big bite out of my baby ;)

Daddy & Alex at Rylee's birthday party

Alex went to her first birthday party yesterday. It was for my good friend's daughter, Rylee, who is turning three. It was an absolutely beautiful day...mid 80's, sunny, a nice breeze. Jill (my friend) had a bouncy house set up, a pool, a huge swing set (well that was already there) and the kids had an awesome time. I remember my kid birthday parties "back in the day". We amused ourselves when we were really young by playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" and having peanut hunts, lol. By the time I had grown a little older, we had a pool and that was the main attraction. Times have changed, I guess. Now it's all about huge trampolines and bouncy houses. But that's ok, things always change. Heck-I would have LOVED one of those bouncy houses when I was three!

So I packed all of Alexandra's "swim" things. Two bathing-suits because I did not know which one would fit the best, her hooded towel, a little terry cloth dress to put on over her bathing-suit, an SPF sunhat, her tiny little pink baby crocs which I love (however, not into them for adults...what whatever floats your boat ;) ) , and her swim diapers. Yup, I was WAY more excited about this new swim adventure than Alex was! We got as far as dipping her feet into the water and she started crying! Lol, poor kid! I think the water was just too chilly because she really enjoys her warm baths. Later on, I tried running through the sprinkler with her because she just felt so hot and sticky and that didn't go over well either. So we gave up on the water for the day and settled into a nice spot on the back deck. We were in the shade but it was sunny and breezy, the back deck overlooks woods-and it was just a nice way to spend an afternoon! Alex was charming people with her smiles and babbles and was perfectly content to chill with her mama. All in all-it was a great day. I love the age she's at now and am trying to treasure every day of it, but watching all the kids having a ball in the bouncy house and pool, it leaves me a lot to look forward to as well. I just feel so blessed.

I'll post some pictures of the day later, once I upload them. There are some very funny ones of Alex and Reese (Jill's one month old baby girl) together. I hope they grow up to be great friends!

My Poor Kid!

...We both had a rough start to the day! First, everyone was woken up around 4am because we heard a loud bang. We wait and listen and hear nothing so we went back to sleep (once we calmed Alex), assuming that it was the cat getting into something he shouldn't have gotten into. We didn't wake up to look because, frankly, we were just too tired.

Anyway-our alarm clock (aka: Alex) woke us up for the day at 7am-not too shabby :) Dan was going to go downstairs to get her bottle, change her and then hand her off to me so I could feed her in bed. Turns out-that loud bang we heard-yeah, that was definitely the cat...he had knocked over a big vase of flowers that I had gotten for Mother's Day. It was all over our beautiful cherry dining room table (fortunately for the cat-the table was ok), in between the leaves of the table and on the area rug. It had soaked through the rug to the hardwood underneath. So poor Dan had to clean up that whole mess while I took care of Alex. The rug had to be pulled back but the floor came out faring ok too-no water damage.

So I feed Alex and decide to clip her nails. I don't know what the heck I was doing, but I ended up giving her a nasty cut on her pinky finger while trying to clip the nail :( I felt so bad-it's the baby's first cut and her momma gave it to her :( So of course she shrieked (first out of pain, then she was indignant) and it bled for awhile. But I persevered and continued cutting-and I ended up pinching two more fingers-UGHHHH!!! Fortunately, those fingers don't have marks on them.

Then....my laptop starts going crazy-it stops charging and smells of really bad burnt plastic. It became hot to the touch and so then we decide that it is kicking the bucket. Not too bad considering that it was with me all through grad school and beyond-so it was about 6 years old. But anyway-we still had to buy another laptop and spend money that we weren't planning on spending.

Annnnndddd then...we go to Alex's four month pedi appointment. My baby girl is growing like a weed. She weighs 15.5 lbs (90th percentile) and is 27.25" long (greater than the 97th percentile)! Her weight, when compared to her height (not age) is in the 5th-10th percentile. Head circumference was in the 75th percentile! I just can't believe that she is getting so big!!! Anyway, the pedi says Alex looks great-and that's what counts. But my poor baby, who already had her first cut thanks to mom, had to get two shots. Of course, she screamed like a banshee and then screamed a little more just because she was pissed off. But she's doing ok now-asleep in her swing and will hopefully wake up having forgotten all about the start to her day ;)

I'm An Addict...

I am addicted to buying baby clothes...just ask my poor husband, lol! Ok, so the good news is that I am not running us into the poor house and Alexandra already has her college account all set up, but really, the kid has way more clothes than she could ever possibly wear (or at least wear more than once). The problem is that little girl clothes are all so stinking cute-especially the sundresses (Baby Gap-need I say more?). I have a weakness for little girl sundresses. Lately, I have been putting this self-imposed limit on my baby spending...but then I see something else just too adorable for words and the cycle continues, lol. I can't even remember the last time I bought something for me!

I'm not making excuses (ok, it's kind of an excuse), but I think a lot of my desire to spoil Alex has to do with the fact that we tried for so long to conceive her. We went through so much worry, pain, fear and heartbreak in order to have our baby that I just want to give her the world...and giving to her gives me pleasure too.

The other thing is that I felt like I was on the "sidelines" for so long. So many of my friends were pregnant or had children while we spent two years trying. I would go to endless baby showers or go shopping with friends while they picked out adorable things for their babies. I so badly wanted to be able to do the same. It really was a very lonely place to be. But now I have what I dreamed about for so long, and it's hard to exercise self-control.

So I guess for now, we just enjoy our baby and I can let myself enjoy shopping for "her things". Really, it doesn't matter if I'm getting her clothes or teethers or safety proofing stuff-I love getting the stuff because it's a reaffirmation that I have someone to buy this stuff for. We have our long-awaited baby. And sometimes it still is a marvel to open our refrigerator door to see bottles lined up and little things of Gerber apple juice waiting. The first night we had Alex home-I remember just staring at the bottles in the fridge, not believing that we were finally on this journey!

It's crazy how sometimes I still find myself giddy and marveling that such a wonderful thing happened to us. I don't know why, but seeing the bottles and clothes and gear over-riding our house is somehow reassuring. Make sense at all? Anyway-I know there will come a day when Alexandra is older and more aware-a day when I can no longer enjoy "spoiling" her. I'm a school psychologist, I see what happens to children when they never hear the word "no". I do not want this to happen and don't think we would let it happen. But until she's more aware, I'm going to enjoy buying for my baby and, much more importantly, planning for her future and spending all the time I can with her because I know that babies grow into little people who grow into big people all too soon!

P.S. Can anyone tell me how to put pics after or within text?

The Diet Starts Tomorrow....

LOL...I have said this too many times to count! And basically, I just say it to rationalize eating whatever it is that is really uber unhealthy. Sometimes I'll even say, "Diet starts next week". So ok, it's Monday and my goal/resolution is to no longer say "The Diet Starts (insert convenient time frame)". It's gonna be hard to no longer use this as a crutch, because it has become my way of excusing making poor food choices and not having to feel bad about it because I'll have a "fresh" start whenever I choose ;) But yeah...it's not working. I end up giving myself free reign to eat whatever and it just leads to havoc!

So yeah-diet starts today. And it's not even a diet-I just need to change the way I eat in general. Having pcos, I am more prone to develop obesity and cardiovascular health issues. Not to mention, the healthier you are with pcos, the more chance of your cycles returning to "normal" and to conceiving without any medical assistance or not as much medical assistance. Getting healthier can also control other pcos symptoms. So really, I need to do this for me and more importantly...I need to do this for Alex. I want to be around when she is ready to have kids and beyond! Five pounds here, three pounds there may not seem like a big deal at the time...but it adds up and I am definitely heavier than I was in college and high school. Well actually, college has a lot to do with being heavier. College students could be one of the unhealthiest groups of people-I remember beer binges and pizza/wing binges at 2am! I wonder how we all survive it!? Sure was fun at the time though...

So diet starts today...I went to a nutritionist when I was going to the fertility specialist who gave me a plan for eating for pcos. I am starting it up today and getting my butt out for a jog. And the biggie-no more putting it off! No more saying, "Oh well...I screwed up today so I'll just eat whatever...diet starts tomorrow"! Wish me luck :)

Nannies/Child Care...Whatever You Call It...

Secret Undercover Baby ;)

First trip to the park!

Happy Baby!

Ok, I meant for the pictures to go at the bottom-but whatever, still learning how to do everything ;) Anyway, what I was going to say is that childcare is kind of difficult to find! At least-someone good is hard to find. We posted an ad on Craig's List a week or so ago and have had a number or responses-but some of the people just sounded bizarre, calling themselves "Nanny (insert name)". Don't get me wrong, we had two or three that sounded great, but for the rest-I just couldn't see giving them interviews.

I'm not the end-all/be-all for spelling and punctuation-but when you don't use ANY AT ALL-big problem! Maybe I am asking for too much but please, when you are writing an email to seek employment, please capitalize "I" and "I'm" and put the freaking apostrophe in there too! Also, don't use text lingo. If you want to say "How many kids do you have"? Don't write "how many kidz do u have." I am not seeking to hire a 12 year old. Now don't get me wrong, lingo and short cuts have their place-I use them too-but NOT WHEN YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB. Oh, and here's another tip-use periods. I really don't want to read one long run-on sentence. I don't really expect perfection but it would be nice to know that the person I hire to care for my baby girl day in and day out has a least a rudimentary understanding of spelling and grammar.

Anyway-we are interviewing two older women this week on Monday and Tuesday. They are in their 40's, have three kids and, coincidentally, both women have a set of twins. They sounded very nice on the phone and I'm looking forward to meeting them. I really hope that we like at least one. I don't start back to work until September, so we have time, but I would love to know that we have someone good lined up. I am definitely feeling some anxiety over leaving my baby with a sitter, but knowing that Dan will be home (he works from home) helps me to feel a lot better. I guess I'm just having some guilt that I can't be the one home with my Alex. All in all though, my job is very kind on families. I get summers and holidays off. I'm home by four and Alex will be 7.5 months when I finally go back to work. So I can't complain too much-I have it a lot better than most women. I still feel guilty though-I had no idea going back would be so difficult!

Never Thought I would Blog...

Well, the title says it all! I never thought I would blog but then enjoyed reading some of my mommy friends' blogs (mostly JM'ers) so much that I thought, "eh, why the heck not"? I'm still on maternity leave, so it gives me something to do while Alexandra is sleeping or otherwise amusing herself (i.e. finding anything and everything to put into her mouth!). And it definitely gives me a distraction from cleaning-which I really need to do but don't want to. Two dogs and one cat = massive amounts of hair on the wood floors. Right now the windows are open and the wind is coming through and unleashing some hairball "tumbleweeds" that had been living unseen under the couch until now. Oh well...blog now....clean later....

I'm not sure if anyone will actually ever read this blog, but it's kind of fun-like a grown up diary or something. And if people do read it and it helps them to deal with some of the things we are dealing with-that's awesome too! I get a place to vent and it will hopefully give someone else some support.

I think one of the reason I decided to blog is because I know that, before too long, we will be trying to get pregnant again. Should be a FUN process right?! Lol...not so much for us. Oh well, it started out fun, but after a whole bunch of medical assistance to conceive our miracle baby, it got pretty intense. I must say though-without that assistance and technology-Alexandra would not be here...so I am beyond grateful for all the research and doctors who made her existence possible!!! And I would (and most likely will) go through it all again if it means having a chance at another miracle baby!

Anyway-I don't want to go into too much of that now-there's plenty of time later. But I do plan to write about my efforts to get my butt in shape before trying to get pregnant again and about any possible medical assistance we get to go through again (oh, and also beating pcos at its own game!). Infertility is such a taboo subject-it's time to make sure that it's out in the open and that it is no longer looked upon with shame and fear and stigma! Don't worry-this isn't going to be a super intense blog or anything-at least I don't think so ;) There will be plenty of pictures of Alex to lighten things up.

Anyway-I'm off to do another load of laundry...I'm washing all of Alexandra's new 6-12 month clothing. While I hate hate HATE doing laundry, I don't mind doing hers. All of her clothes are so tiny and so freaking cute that it doesn't seem as tedious as regular laundry. So there you have it-my rambling "don't know how to blog" first post ;) Cya!