Saturday, November 5, 2011

Ok, Now I'm Just Whining...

...But you all will just have to put up with it ;p I just don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't shake this somber mood. I'm fine during the day, but for the last two nights, I've just felt so down and deflated. It's probably because Dan is out of town on business (he's coming back tonight-yayyyyy!). It also might be because my other friend from work just had her baby yesterday (found out today). So yeah-two coworkers having babies within a week of each other. I guess that will do it. Thank God I have my appointment with our fertility specialist soon. It is, obviously, time to go back. It must be, if I am feeling this way.

I have a baby. That should give me some confidence that I can and will get pregnant again, right? But that old fear is still there: "what if nothing works?" Part of me is worried that getting pregnant with Alexandra was a one time thing, a magnificent fluke- an EXTREMELY LUCKY/BLESSED-event. All the stars were in alignment.  But that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen again. I'm older now too-31. Four more years and I will be considered "of advanced maternal age". Man-could they have chosen a more depressing phrase?

So yes. I am scared. I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future. Waiting would not bug me that much, if I knew that we would be successful in the end. It's the not knowing that will drive you insane. I just want so badly to experience motherhood again-this time from a new perspective-from a more seasoned perspective. I want so very badly for Alexandra to have a sibling.  I would just love to have our family be complete. I would love to never have to think about fertility or infertility again, unless it's to share my story with someone trying to cope with their own fertility issues.

Random thought: after researching treatments and fertility in general...does anyone wonder how *any* of us are here? It all seems so random and unpredictable. It really is truly a miracle...everything has to be *just* right to create and carry a life.

Thank God Dan is coming home tonight....I don't think I can take any more introspective evenings alone, looking at new baby Facebook pictures....

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