Eighty Three!

Eighty Three. It hit 83 degrees today! Can you tell I'm thrilled?! There has been only one other 80-some-odd-degree day since September (but I don't count that day because I was at work all day in my windowless office). It has been a very long, very drawn out, very dreary winter this year...complete with record breaking snow falls. Seeing everything turn green again just thrills me to no end. And I've been itching to get outside with Alex, as we have her new swing set and a sand/water box, amongst other outside toys.

Anyway, I got home around 4pm and Alex and I spent the next 2.5 hours outside playing. So nice. She absolutely loves her water/sand box. We had to go with a raised box, because I knew that the pugs would get into a sandbox on the ground and dig it up and/or do their business in it. We had an absolute ball. We both got filthy-and wet-but such is life.

Being out there with her seriously made me question why we don't move to Australia, at least on a trial basis. Yes..I would miss my family. I would miss my friends, our house, our life...even my job. But still-I feel like Australia would be a great place to raise a family. Certainly the weather would be better and we could enjoy being outside as a regular part of life. The funny thing is, at this point, I'd be more willing to give it a try (for a year and see how it goes) than Dan-the native Australian. Funny how that has kind of flipped around. When I was younger, I was much more worried and scared of such a radical move. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's because I'm older and we have our own family. I think it would be interesting. And if it didn't work out-we can always come back. That's why sabbaticals exist ;) Who knows where life will bring us....it's kind of exciting to not have everything planned out just yet...

 Beautiful day!

 Sand/water box = best buy ever. She spent hours playing with it!

 The end result. You can't really see it...but she's covered with sand/dirt and film from bubbles ;)

Infertility and Superstitions..

I don't think I am *normally* a very superstitious person. I mean, it's probably kind of a continuum and most people fall somewhere on it. For example, in high school, I played soccer and swam. Well, before every game and/or meet, I had to get changed in the exact same order and eat the same lunch or dinner. I know. Weird. But I hear that it's typical for a lot of athletes to have odd "quirks". And they are forgiven for them. Heck, it's kind of expected. Thankfully, I never went to the point of wearing the same grimy, unwashed socks that some players do. I was in good shape in that respect.

But infertility, amongst other things, has made me superstitious. I don't know if this is a fate that befalls all infertiles, or if it's just one of my "charming" attributes. Regardless, I've dealt with this before and apparently will be dealing with it again.

Some of my past and/or present superstitions:
-If I get up one half a *second* before 10 minutes is up after insemination or intercourse, I will most definitely not get pregnant. This usually has me laying in bed with my hips tilted for 45 minutes or so...gotta be sure!
-If I buy anything baby related before I get pregnant, I will never get pregnant. I adjusted this (because I couldn't control myself) to: if I bought anything full price, then I wouldn't get pregnant that cycle. Because really-a deal is a deal. You can't fault a girl for going after bargains.
-If I whispered our chosen names to *anyone*, a friend/relative would inadvertently "steal" that name. Because of course, they would be pregnant first.

Ok, so there's only a few of many. So many rules going into this baby making regime!

And then there's the weird ones like, "if I make it through this yellow light, I will get pregnant within six months". Really?! Because what the heck is that all about?! I don't even understand it myself.

Now I'll tell you about what kicked off this entry. Today I went to Wegmans to buy some groceries. It was pouring and I had no coat. I did something I usually *never* do (seriously, I don't), which was to park in the "expectant mother parking". I know. I'm horrible. But like I was saying, it was raining, I had to get like 5 things and I had no coat...oh, and there were about 10 other open "expectant mother" spaces available. So I didn't think it would harm anyone. But I really am anal about stuff like that (for instance, I can't stand when people don't return their carts). Anyway, I digress. Well, after thinking about it, and being a believer in karma...I am now worried that I won't get pregnant because I parked in the pregnant lady parking place, which was just wrong. Karma. Karma will get you every time. It doesn't matter that, coming out of the store, there were still 8 spots left. Nope, I shot myself in the foot.

So yes. I'm weird. Maybe a little neurotic. I blame it on infertility. Easy scapegoat. Am I the only one?????

Anyway, here are some pics of Easter. We had a great time and the bunny hooked Alexandra up! The three of us had a nice morning together. We made pancakes and looked for Alex's basket. Then we went to my cousin's house for an Easter dinner with my parents and the extended family. Just a nice family day :)

 Alex "finding" the stash from the Easter bunny

 Her Easter outfit

 Crazy girl

 The Easter grass was the best part of the whole day!

Hanging out with her cousin...he's teaching her about stairs

15 Month Stats

Alexandra had her 15 month well check today. I can't believe it. Fifteen months. That just seems so old. I know, get a grip, right?! Anyway, it all went great. Alex is very tall, like Dan (who is 6'8") and lean...also like Dan. The pedi said that she is looking great <3 Anyway, current stats are: height = 34 inches (>97th percentile) and weight = 24lbs, 4oz (10th-25th percentile, compared to height). I feel so blessed to have a healthy little girl, and I just pray that she stays healthy and happy. If nothing else, infertility has really allowed me to understand the folly of taking things for granted. It's cliched, I know. But perhaps it is true that you understand the value of something to a greater extent when you have had to travel some dark roads to realize a dream.

And now...some pics of our rainy day spent at the mall play ground....

 Climbing the "grizzly" bear

PCOS and Mind Games

So as I reported a few weeks ago, we are NTNP'ing (not trying, not protecting). I figured that we would "ease" back into the baby making business.  And really, I didn't expect too much. But then it just happens. Before you know it, you begin paying attention to your cycle days more, begin scrutinizing your cm (if you don't know what that is an acronym for, you're probably better off), looking at the toilet paper and noticing every ache and pain and twinge in the ovary area. How does this happen? How does one go from not *really* trying to micro-analyzing bodily fluids?

PCOS. PCOS has completely f*cked with my mind. Before having Alex, I'd have super long menstrual cycles of between 60 and 90 days. And then, miracle of miracles, after having Alex, they became more regular. I thought that was interesting. Maybe even promising. But I didn't want to get too excited. But the thought crept in...maybe I will be one of those lucky women that urban legends in fertility circles (or rather, infertility circles) are created about...the woman who had soooooo much trouble getting pregnant the first time. But. The. Second. Time....watch out! One try and BAM..baby on board!

But really. Does that ever actually *really* happen? I mean, it sounds good...but does anyone know of a pcos'er (in real life) that had no trouble getting pregnant a second, third or whatever time? I mean no trouble, none-whatsoever. I dunno-seems very urban legend'ish. But maybe I'm just in the bitter barn tonight.

Ok, so this month my CM seemed good; I had strange ovulation like twinges in my ovary and the husband and I got busy when all of those symptoms collided. I refuse to temp, knowing how neurotic it makes me, but I was feeling ok. Cautiously optimistic. My cycles have been fairly regular, so what the heck-maybe we'd get lucky.

Well guess who shows up, on CD 19 no less? Yes, that's right. Cycle Day 19. Yes-AF in all her nasty glory!  I even did the whole, "well maybe it's implantation bleeding". LOL. Let the craziness begin. At least I'm still in the stage where I can laugh at it. We'll see if that lasts when I'm doing two injections daily in the stomach.

So yes...my period seems to be coming regularly, just a bit more often. I wonder which way is better? Either way, I know that the medical assistance route is closing in, which is ok. Doesn't matter how the baby gets here...as long as they get here and ARE healthy.And thank God for the technology that brings all these babies into the world.

But I just have to say...thanks for the tease, PCOS.

Now on a bright note...I have had the whole week off this week and have loved spending it with Alexandra. The weather has been rainy and dreary, but we've gone to the indoor mall playground one day and had a play date with my best friend's kids today. I'll miss being with Alex all day, come Monday. But thankfully I am in a profession where I basically only work half a year. And I will have all summer off starting June 24 until September 7th! CAN'T WAIT.  Here are some pics from today's play date.

 All three kids playing so nicely...for the moment ;)

 Alexandra, enjoying one of Rylee's birthday cupcakes.

 So innocent looking...this was about 20 seconds before the pushing started ;)

Love this pic <3

Well Thank You, Creepy Work Guy....

We all have them. Creepy colleagues. Those people that are probably pretty harmless, but still set your teeth on edge. Maybe they have poor hygiene, maybe they live off of Easy Mac and do nothing else in their spare time but play World of War-Craft, or perhaps they're "close talkers". But whatever the case, they're out there.

We have one at work. He's 37. Lives with his mother. Has chronic ear infections-which I know because he always makes my best friend, an RN, look in his ears. And often says inappropriate (or obnoxious) things whilst trying to be funny. No social skills. And probably destined to be a single man forever. I'll call him Bob. And it's not that we hate bob. It's not that we wish him any misfortune...we just don't want to be alone with Bob in a dark alley. Heck, we don't want to be alone with him in the faculty room.

So my friend and I were eating our lunches together today with a few other people. Bob was hanging around too. He tends to lurk. We call him "The Shadow" because you'll be in a private conversation with someone and he'll just turn up at your side...which is creepy because NO ONE hears him or sees him coming until he is there. Anyway-back to the story. Bob "shadowed" his way into our conversation.

We were talking about a wine tour, a bunch of us ladies. And out of the blue, as if it were a logical extension of the said conversation, Bob pipes in with: "Hey...you're gonna be pregnant by Christmas". Huh???!!! Dead silence. We're all confused. Some more silence. Some looks exchanges. It took me a second to realize he was talking to me. And I can assure you that I have never discussed my fertility status with Bob. I reply with, "Oh, ok...are you clairvoyant"? Now I really was saying it jokingly, not trying to be mean or anything. Bob comes back with "No...I just have these thoughts about things like this. I get a feeling when someone is about to get pregnant. I have been right six outta six times now". My first thought, and I'm sure all the infertiles can relate, was "Hey...maybe he's weird because he knows stuff...maybe I WILL be pregnant by Christmas". My second thought was, "He doesn't know shit". My third thought was "Ewww...I really don't want him thinking about me in any other context apart from work". But strangely, illogically, my overall emotion was hope. Hey...the world is mysterious, right???

So then, a woman at the table said..."yeah, I think you'll be pregnant this time next year...I have dreams about these types of things". She goes on to say, however, that she hasn't had a dream about me, specifically. Damn!

So I work with a bunch of nuts. Generally harmless (well, jury is still out on Bob), mostly fun and well meaning. But infertility has played games with my mind. It has made me illogical.  I am now totally superstitious about ALL things baby related-which is worth another blog post on its own. So you can imagine the various things that have been going through my mind. And the ever present..."What if..." Today it was, "What if they know something? It could happen, couldn't it? Maybe they have some weird, cosmic connection to the universe..."

Anyway, thank you weird work guy and silly work woman. I don't know if I should be happy with your predictions or pissed off because now I'm probably jinxed. And such is the life of an infertile...analyzing everything-even crazy ramblings....

I guess we'll know by this time next year, as to how crazy they actually are...

Playing with her blocks and using poor Ivan as a pillow <3

Just One of Them Days...

...You know the ones...where you're just all around exhausted and stressed. Yep, had one of those days today. The day started with an 8am baby shower at work for a colleague who is having identical twin boys. They were conceived naturally. On her first try. On her honey moon. Yeah. Actually, it sounds like an infertile woman's worst nightmare, but it was fun. I like the woman, there was good food, my work friends were there...it was ok. I wasn't really jealous-the whole thing just made the baby fever spike to new heights!

After that, I stayed chained to my computer for 7 hours...working on evaluations and setting up meetings and writing reports. Then, when I thought I was done for the day, I had two more cases to handle because a colleague is out on a mental health break. Good for her...not so good for me. Then I get a phone call from my husband saying he thinks that Alex has chicken pox. So he sends me pics...yep-that's what they look like. I tell him to call her pedi and take her in. Well, that would be good if I didn't have the SUV with the car seat in it. To make matters even more annoying, I had to stay at work late tonight to make a speech. So it was 85 degrees here today, I was stuck in my windowless office for 11 hours, and I couldn't go home at my regular time (3:30) to see my sick baby because of the stupid speech. Arggghhhh!

So my poor baby probably has chicken pox, but we won't know until tomorrow. I naively assumed that, because she had the vaccination, she wouldn't get it. Obviously I was wrong...but here's to hoping it's a much milder case. Poor kid :(

But on the bright side...I did get home in time to give her some snuggles before bed. And then mama had a nice big adult beverage and kicked her feet up. See, there is a silver lining (albeit tiny) to not being pregnant. And now...I'm ready to crash...night!

Update: We have a confirmed case of the chicken pox. The pedi seems to think it will be mild though, since Alex was vaccinated. Hope so!

 Chicken pox or not? We'll find out tomorrow...

Poor little monkey...but she's still happy!

Just Can't Escape It...

You know how there's been a ton of attention lately regarding cyber bullying (rightfully so). They say that cyber bullying is especially painful because it creeps into people's homes when, prior to our age of internet and chat rooms, the home was basically a sanctuary from the world. So it's especially insidious.

Okay....so I am not being bullied. I am NOT even comparing this to cyber bullying because it's basically my fault and because it's not something being *done* to me, it's what I am doing to myself. I use the cyber bullying analogy loosely to discuss the "everyone's pregnant" phenomena that is currently happening in my life.

It's happening at work. It's happening with friends. It's happening with acquaintances. It's happening with people I don't even care for....and now it's happening in my Play Room online forum. I can't escape it-even on the internet in my own home (which must be how some people feel about being bullied online-but on a much larger and significant scale)!

Now, I don't get to go into my PR that often. Between work and Dan and Alex, I just don't have the time I used to while I was on my maternity leave. But I have a feeling I may be there even less. Not because I don't like the women there-but because I have begun *counting* who is pregnant and who is not. This is not a good sign. This means I am getting into that mode of being preoccupied with NOT being pregnant. I need to cut myself off at the knees because it's a very slippery slope from being like this to crying every month when AF arrives. I really don't want to go there just yet...

I just wish I had a crystal ball that I could look into. That way I would know for sure whether we were going to have another baby. Either way, I think knowing would end this limbo. And I hate limbo. I remember saying that it was one of the worst things about ttc the first time around. Even if the answer were no, I would be heartbroken, but I would grieve and hopefully move ahead with a different plan. And if that same crystal ball showed us having another child, then I could just chill, wait, bide my time and not carry around this worry. Ahhhh, if only life were so neat.

 It's finally nice enough to hang out on the deck!

 Check out our Craig's List deal! Alexandra LOVES it!

 Whhheeeeee!

Hanging out in her club house

Random...

For the life of me, I can't think of anything to blog about today. It's sunny here, and that's a change. We've been enjoying the first few glimpses of spring and my daffodil buds are beginning to pop up :) The winter has been brutal this year; and while I'm not sure living here is worth it, the upside is that you appreciate Spring SO much more! Dan, Alex and I took a long walk yesterday with the pugs. Alex was in her little car and she loved it-she gets to be so much closer to everything that way. Now it needs to warm up twenty more degrees so I can open the windows and get winter out of my house!

Alex and I went to Babies R Us yesterday...I had to buy registry presents for my cousin (who is having IVF boy/girl twins) and a work colleague who is having natural twins. The work friend was one of those incredibly/crazily lucky women who got pregnant on their honeymoon-and with twins no less! They think that they are identical too (boys). But I've had such a nice weekend with Alex and Dan that I didn't even really feel that familiar pinch of jealousy that I normally feel when I hear about women getting pregnant straight away. That's not to say that the green-eyed monster won't rear its ugly head sooner or later. And Babies R Us was fun....Alex was smiling, waving and saying "hiiiiiii" to all the other babies there. I don't know if it's because I have the itch again, but BRU reminds me of how exciting pregnancy is-all the build up and preparation. I hope I get to experience it again :) I hope that I am able to savor that time, if I do.

Anyway, just wanted to post some pics of the weekend. We really didn't do anything special, but it was just one of those weekends that really make me want to be a stay at home mom <3

 Alexandra loving her caterpillar that she got at BRU

 Finally! It's nice enough to go for a walk!

 The whole family...minus me. Alex waving at someone apparently :p

Daddy and Alex play time

NTNP'ing...and Other News

Alright! There has been some progress on the home front: we are no longer protecting! We have, in fact, graduated to NTNP'ing (not trying, not protecting for those non JM'ers). Now, I am being pretty realistic. I know my changes of getting pregnant naturally aren't great but hey-it still feels great to NOT be preventing! So there's a chance-albeit small-that perhaps we'll get a surprise. Before, there really was no chance. So yes...here's to progress! Oh, and on a side note, my period has been strangely regular since having Alexandra. Well, regular for me anyway. I mean, we're not having cycles like clock-work-but pretty regular. Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself. I'm strangely superstitious when it comes to matters of fertility.

The other thing is that I think we have decided to go back to our specialist for sure in May/June. It's so exciting (and scary) to think that, in another month or so, we could be starting this journey again!

And to save the best for last....Alexandra is now a FULL FLEDGED WALKER!!! She's 14 months now, and went from only taking a step or two last weekend, to toddling all over the place. I just love watching her! She takes after me...early talker, late walker (although she did beat me by a month in the walking). I'm so proud of her and she's so proud of herself!!!!

 Alexandra: my little walker!

 Now she can stalk the cat properly

 More walking pics...she's so proud of herself!

Loves her bounce and spin zebra