Seriously?!

Seriously? What the heck? I. Am. Spotting. And I'm only on cycle day 19. Yes, that's right, 19! Who spots on day 19???? About 4 years ago, I would have felt hopeful about the spotting. I would have said, "Wow, maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I guess I'm just a little jaded now in regard to conception, lol. I am not even entertaining the thought of implantation because there's not a snow ball's chance in heck that I am pregnant.

My only hope now is that I will spot for several days before the witch gets here. If I make it to Sunday without a full blown period, I *should* still be able to have my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday and get my meds ordered and ready to go for this cycle. If it starts sooner, I'm pretty sure that I'll have to sit tight and wait out this cycle. Ugh. Why is there always SO MUCH WAITING involved with fertility treatments? I know I know...I've waited this long, another month won't be so bad-especially if it's as short of a cycle as this one might be. However, PCOS is a tricky and unpredictable beast: if I do have to wait, my next cycle will probably be 100 days long. Oh yeah...you can bet I will be calling for some progesterone if that happens.

Anyway. Just thought I would post because I couldn't believe it when I began spotting. It's almost comical. I just kind of slapped my head and said, "Ah, of course". Timing is everything! Fingers crossed that my period stays away another few days!

ONE WEEK

Actually....it is technically *less than* one week until our appointment (appointment is on the morning of the 6th, after all). So here we go! Time to jump into everything again! Yes...I am excited. Yes....I am a little nervous and, even now, somewhat unsure of what is about to happen. But I guess sometimes there is such a thing as "over-thinking" and perhaps now is the time to turn off my brain and just *act*. So we are jumping in, feet first. Now as long as my period stays away until either the day before, the day of, or right after my appointment, we'll be all set!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and that you were able to spend it with the people you love. We had a great one here and are now very much looking forward to the Christmas holidays. Our tree is up and the house is decorated. Alex is now at the age where she is very curious and wanting to help with everything. Which is fun...albeit a slow process!

 Thanksgiving Day...all dressed up in her sweater dress! About to head out to our feast!

 "Eating" Thanksgiving dinner. For Alex, that consisted of a roll and three bites of turkey

 But she loved the pumpkin pie!

 Helping to unpack the Christmas tree

 Giving daddy a hand

 Very serious about putting up the first ornament

All done!

Thanksgiving.

Not a day goes by when I don't give thanks for all my blessings: my wonderful husband, our daughter, our families, our health. The list goes on and on and on-and for this alone, we are VERY fortunate and blessed. I make it a goal to not take any of this for granted and I think that, for the most part, I succeed.  Though we all have our moments where we lose sight of all that we have.

It's easy to be thankful for the blessings. For the good things. But what about the not-so-great parts of life? Sometimes these parts, the things that make you cry and scream, may be blessings in disguise because they are leading you to something much greater, something truly wonderful and magical. Perhaps the journey, even the most difficult and grueling ones, are a blessing?

I am not to the point where I can be happy about my PCOS and our fertility struggles. But I do know one thing: if we hadn't taken the road that we did, filled with all the bumps and bruises and miseries and depression, we would not have Alexandra with us. If we didn't struggle to have a baby, we most likely would have become pregnant a lot sooner. We would have had another baby, whom we would have loved with all our hearts. But Alex was meant to be in this world. She was meant to be our child. And I can't imagine a life-or a world-without her in it. Every tear shed, every drop of blood spilled, every painful procedure completed.....it was all leading us to this. Thank you, God.

Like A Dog with a Bone....

That's totally how I am when there is a hint of "pregnancy suspense" in the air. Or perhaps the better adage would be: "a moth to a flame"?

Ok. So I mentioned a few blog posts ago that I thought that there was a second pregnant woman at work, the first being my friend Jen who is about 33 weeks along. Basically, our boss let it slip that there were "pregnant people" at work...so that got everyone wondering.

Needless to say, I have been on high alert:checking out mid-drifts, critiquing clothing choices (Wow, "Meg" is wearing a pretty loose fitting shirt) and taking inventory of lunches. Ok, I haven't been quite that insane. But I did notice that a few ladies were not eating deli meat. Hmmmmm....

Honestly, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I knew that I was going to be completely jealous and sad for myself, I just *had* to know who it was. What does that say about me? Am I a masochist? Turns out, it is my coworker, Andrea, who is pregnant. She is 8 weeks along. She told me that she was "super surprised" that she was even pregnant because it was their FIRST MONTH trying. Wow. Talk about a novel concept. I can't imagine what it must be like to just plan to get pregnant-and HAVE IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Getting pregnant on your first month of trying...isn't that some sort of fertility urban legend?

When it rains, it pours...pregnant women are taking over my life lately. Why, oh why, couldn't they all get pregnant a year earlier, when Alex was so much younger and my baby envy was at a minimum? And the thing about Andrea is that she will have the perfect baby belly because she is tiny. So she will have the perfect basketball. I won't lie. I am jealous. Can you tell?

And now for a note of positivity: 2 weeks till our appointment!

Family and Infertility Treatments.

Family and infertility treatments. To share or not share, that is an IMPORTANT question. And one that may require intense scrutiny. And if you decide to share the where's and when's and how's....how much detail do you give? Do you talk about having an IUI-calling the procedure by its given name and leaving it at that (thus making your family work for details. Because you KNOW that they will Google it), or do you tell your family about how your husband's "life force" actually gets into your uterus? And that could be a clinical or a colorful explanation (very likely staring a turkey baster). See...more choices to consider!

So what to do, what to do? Tell, not tell? If your family is like my family, telling only a few people is NOT an option because  everyone will find out anyway-and because those you didn't tell will probably be "hurt" that you didn't trust them enough to tell them personally, blah blah blah. Yeah. My mom's side, they're a tight knit Italian clan. That should explain the lack of boundaries and enmeshment. Fortunately, we don't have the same sort of intensity on my father's side or in Dan's family. Love my family, really do. BUT limit setting is a matter of survival and sanity.

Anyway. Last time we went through treatments, we did not tell our extended families about anything. I didn't want to be "gossiped" about, even if the general motivation was because they cared about us. I didn't want to feel different, like an outcast next to my fertile cousins. Whenever anyone in "the family" would ask us about having kids, I used to just say "we aren't ready yet...we're having too much fun right now". Fun. Yeah right! But I really wanted them to think that it was our choice.

Let me preface this next statement by saying that I love my mother. She's a good woman and a great mother. HOWEVER, one of her flaws is that she loves loves LOVES to gossip. About anyone and anything. Which is one of the reasons why I don't get involved in gossip either in my personal life or work life. People can say whatever they want to me and I will listen, but I am not going around spreading the stuff myself.

Anyway, we told our parents and siblings and our closest friends about the treatments. We let them know that they were amongst the "blessed few" (LOL) to know about this. I had thought that my mom's gossiping ways would not extend to her children, but I was wrong. Within a week, everyone in the family knew that we were going to a "fertility doctor". Let's just say, the family was not too stealth in trying to pump information out of us at holiday functions. Made Christmas a lot of fun that year-especially given the fact that I had a miscarriage about three days prior to Christmas Eve 2008.

Of course, I was very hurt that my mom couldn't keep this to herself. After all, I trusted her with this painful knowledge. I felt disrespected. I felt like she cheapened this experience by spreading it all over the place. But I also think that she might have done it because she was *so* worried about us, about me especially, about how I was holding up. I think that she needed to get a lot of it off her chest and needed her own platform from which to vent. So perhaps her intentions were not horrible and came from a place of worry and love. But it still hurt.

And I love my mom as much as before. But it did change our relationship a little bit. Basically, I don't confide in her about anything fertility related. After talking about it for awhile now, Dan and I have decided not to tell either set of parents or siblings (because really....are they going to be able to keep it from our parents) that we are doing treatments again. We also decided that we aren't going to tell them, God willing, that we are pregnant again until after the first trimester (that part coming from my mom telling everyone about our pregnancy with Alex at 6 weeks!).  It kind of sucks that it has to be this way. But this is better than having to field invading questions that, really, no one has a right to ask in the first place.

Coming from a big, close- knit family is wonderful in so many ways. This, however, is not one of them ;P Unfortunately for my cousin, Sara, the family is sniffing around her because she is in her 30's, has been married for 2.5 years and has been known to have been "trying" since September 2010. Poor girl. I need to give her lessons in not giving out too much information!

 First time in pigtails! 

 Monkey hat <3

 Who needs daylight to ride?

Keeping My Fingers Crossed....

...That my period either comes *right after* my consultation (so I don't have to wait too long for a baseline appointment) or that my cycle day one is on *the day* of my consultation so I can have my baseline then.

As with anything fertility related, timing is everything. For an infertile, timing is also important in order to *order the medicine on time*. For me, my insurance dictates that I get my injections through Freedom Pharmacy. They are AWESOME. I have always had awesome experiences with them. They specialize in fertility medication. My doctor puts in a call to them and they deliver my meds, to my door, the next day. Super reliable.

So the problem isn't Freedom Pharmacy...the problem is that if I am on cycle day two, three or four on the day of my consultation, my doctor may not be able to order the medicine in time to begin treatments on that cycle. Which would be more waiting. Which is tough for a woman with PCOS who doesn't know if her next period will come in 21 days or in 81 days.

So I am determined not to worry about when AF comes (even though I really really REALLY want it to come on the day of my appointment or right after) because, well, there's nothing I can do about it. I guess it's one of those things that I have to let go and try not to worry about.  I know a few weeks doesn't make a difference, regarding when we start treatments. But man...now that we made the decision to begin treatments again-I want to start like YESTERDAY. Ugh. I have an instant gratification issue. Might be my fatal flaw....and certainly not a good trait to have with fertility issues. Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Edited to add: EXACTLY THREE WEEKS TILL OUR APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!

Bittersweet....

So this past weekend, we have begun to change Alexandra's room. Basically, we put all of her baby bedding/decorations in storage and took down her changing table. Her room is now less of a baby room and more of a little girl room. It's exciting to redo things, but sad too. I got a little sentimental when taking down her changing table...I can't imagine how I will feel when taking down her crib (we're aren't quite ready for that yet!).

Anyway....here are some pics of Alex's "big girl" room ;)  We have a mix of everything...owls, flowers, princesses, etc.

 The total picture

 A new bookcase where her changing table used to be

 <3 owls!

 Owl bedding

New lamp in keeping with the theme. Check out the Cinderella crystal lamp-that thing is sweet!

Big Sister Shirts....

So I got the "awesome" idea to look at "Big Sister" shirts for Alex. You know...for her to wear when we announce the impending arrival of our not yet conceived second child. And, while doing this,  I thought "Wow....this is the secondary infertiles equivalent to looking at baby gear online". Or, in extreme cases, actually adding baby gear to a wish list for the yet to be conceived child. Yes. I did this. I wonder if this is normal in the "infertile crowd" or if I completely bypassed normal and was functioning in a whole stratosphere?

Well...we don't need anymore gear. Like many women struggling with infertility, once you do become pregnant, you tend to buy EVERYTHING-multiple of everything-in different colors and varying shades! So yeah, we really don't need any gear. And we totally don't need clothes (unless we have a boy), because I am addicted to buying my daughter clothes. To say that she is better dressed than anyone in our family is NOT an understatement...and it's not like we are absolute slobs. So, we don't need clothes, don't need gear...that leaves me with browsing for "Big Sister" shirts for Alex.

So I guess whether it is your first time through treatments, your second or third...some things remain the same. The excitement, the anticipation, the planning and the dreaming...and the wishing and the praying. We won't even go into the worry and the bouts of hyperventilating/crying because we have all been there.  I guess it's the planning and hoping that gets us through the endless blood draws (seriously...I can now *tell* people the best vein from which to get my blood...the exact location, really), 6AM dates with the transvaginal wand and the "I'm sorry" phone calls from the clinic.  It is that hope that keeps us going when all you may want to do is give up and give in.

And sometimes, hope is hard to have. Sometimes, it seems like a curse. When a cycle doesn't work, hope sometimes seems to abandon you to deal with a harsh reality. And at the lowest of lows, sometimes hope seems to almost be taunting you. It is said that infertility is especially cruel because it is a loss that happens again and again with every month that yields bad news. You can't just grieve and move on. It happens over and over again. How does hope survive that?

I don't know what the answer is. But I know that when we were trying for Alexandra, hope was a double edged sword. It kept me going even when I hurt to the point of physically aching. At these times, I did not welcome it. But, today, looking back on where I was....I thank God everyday that I had hope (even when it hurt like hell to have) and that I *just kept going*. Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and turn your brain off. Sometimes, the only answer is to take a deep breath, cross your fingers and keep moving.

Cycle Day 1

Oh yeah. I'm back to actually keeping track of my days! So today was the first day of my cycle and I am both happy and annoyed, lol. Annoyed because that means that my cycle was only 23 days long (not great IF there was a little embryo trying to implant), which makes me think that my progesterone is low and I probably did not ovulate. But I'm not too bummed out. Even if my progesterone is low-which is common with PCOS-my  fertility doctor will give me supplemental progesterone and hopefully that will be that. No worries (knock on wood, because God forbid I jinx myself)!

I'm also happy that today is CD1 because that means that, when we go back to the doctor on December 6th, I should be around CD 25. WHICH MEANS...if my period is following the same pattern (never a given with PCOS), I should not only be able to have my consultation BUT also my baseline ultrasound to begin treatments RIGHT AWAY! Hopefully this means that I do not have to wait weeks to get my period to start the baseline. So fingers crossed....I could use some good wishes and *awesome timing* vibes :) For those of you who aren't familiar with baseline ultrasounds, they must be done between CD 1-3. If you miss that window, you pretty much have to wait until your next cycle. That's why timing is so important and why I hope to be able to have my consultation and baseline all at once.

In other news...I've been feeling better lately. I just have to acknowledge my feelings and that it's ok to be worried and sad and anxious. I'm just trying to remember that worrying won't actually do me a bit of good. It's basically wasted energy. Easier said than done, though. I'm really trying not to set myself up for disappointment by hoping and thinking that we will get pregnant on my first injectable and IUI cycle, just because it happened that way last time. Would I absolutely love that? Of course. But I just want to *try* and take a wait and see attitude. If there is one thing I learned, it is that **only God knows the reasons for  when and how a child is conceived**.

For example, I have seen so many *perfect* cycles not yield a pregnancy (for myself and others) and I've also seen not-so-great cycles surprise everyone with a pregnancy.  My own personal example is that I had not responded well to the injections on the cycle I got pregnant with Alex. They had given me too low a dose and for awhile, it didn't look like I was going to have any mature eggs. They even discussed canceling the cycle when it looked as if only one egg *might* be mature. I said "heck no"! If there is one egg, I want to give it a shot (no pun intended). Turns out, that one egg was my baby girl. I thank God everyday that we chose to go ahead with the cycle.

So you just never know how or when or why. Even on your less than perfect cycles, try not to lose hope. And I guess....try not to rationalize the why's and why nots. I've come to believe that every star has to be in alignment for a pregnancy to occur. So I am hoping to wait patiently for that time to occur, and pray that the time will come and that we get pregnant with the child who is meant to be ours <3

Here are some fun pictures of our play date at an AWESOME bouncy house with my friend's sons, Jack and Owen. Courtney had a really tough time getting preggo with Jack and had been trying for about one year (she was diagnosed with PCOS). She was a week away from her consultation with a fertility specialist when she found out she was preggo :) And she is one of those lucky PCOS'ers who had no trouble getting pregnant the second time around. I guess these people DO exist and are not just a product of infertility urban legends! As for the bouncy house- Let me tell you-they didn't have this type of stuff when I was a kid!!!

 Alexandra was in ball heaven!

 In one of the little kid bouncy houses

 She loves dogs!!!

 Having fun on the car ride...but she almost mowed over two kids...

My daughter has a MAJOR obsession with buses at the moment...she she was on this for awhile...and did not want to share, lol.

It's Raining Babies....

Not only is it raining babies in my life-but pregnancies too. They just keep popping up all over! And of course, it happens when I'm having an off week. Isn't that just the way?!

Facebook may possibly be the root of an infertile's sleepless nights,  jealous rages and inconsolable crying jags. I signed onto Facebook this evening to see the standard "Baby number 2 is on its way...due April 2012!" from a girl I went to high school with. Her first child was born three months after my daughter. So of course I'm sitting there, doing the math and thinking that it's unfair that she is pregnant *again* when it is *my* turn because my daughter is older than hers. By all of three months. LOL. Even I have to laugh at my ridiculousness. It brings me back to the "old days" when I used to get so upset if couples who were married after us got pregnant before us. Things change and things stay the same...

And I also heard today that Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child. Awesome. Twenty kids. 2-0. And she is a grandmother too. I will not lie: I am totally envious of a 45 year old's fertility prowess, despite her 80's hair, squeaky voice and creepy husband. I may have sunken to a new low.

Ok, so I am trying to find the humor in my situation instead of living in the bitter barn, which is where I have been located for the last few days. I'm not quite out of that barn, but working on it. Reading that Facebook update may have set me back a little bit. And the whole 20 kids thing is messing with my head too. I think part of my problem is that my appointment is in four weeks (FOUR WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!!). And while 4 weeks isn't so long,  waiting can be MUCH more difficult the closer you get to something.

Thank God for Alex. Thank God for Dan. I feel for all of you ladies going through this for the first time-still awaiting your first miracle. I appreciate and recognize that struggle. It is so hard to go through this all for a second time, but it does not compare to the fear and uncertainty that came with trying for the first child. I need to remember to keep things in perspective. We are blessed.

Ok, Now I'm Just Whining...

...But you all will just have to put up with it ;p I just don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't shake this somber mood. I'm fine during the day, but for the last two nights, I've just felt so down and deflated. It's probably because Dan is out of town on business (he's coming back tonight-yayyyyy!). It also might be because my other friend from work just had her baby yesterday (found out today). So yeah-two coworkers having babies within a week of each other. I guess that will do it. Thank God I have my appointment with our fertility specialist soon. It is, obviously, time to go back. It must be, if I am feeling this way.

I have a baby. That should give me some confidence that I can and will get pregnant again, right? But that old fear is still there: "what if nothing works?" Part of me is worried that getting pregnant with Alexandra was a one time thing, a magnificent fluke- an EXTREMELY LUCKY/BLESSED-event. All the stars were in alignment.  But that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen again. I'm older now too-31. Four more years and I will be considered "of advanced maternal age". Man-could they have chosen a more depressing phrase?

So yes. I am scared. I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future. Waiting would not bug me that much, if I knew that we would be successful in the end. It's the not knowing that will drive you insane. I just want so badly to experience motherhood again-this time from a new perspective-from a more seasoned perspective. I want so very badly for Alexandra to have a sibling.  I would just love to have our family be complete. I would love to never have to think about fertility or infertility again, unless it's to share my story with someone trying to cope with their own fertility issues.

Random thought: after researching treatments and fertility in general...does anyone wonder how *any* of us are here? It all seems so random and unpredictable. It really is truly a miracle...everything has to be *just* right to create and carry a life.

Thank God Dan is coming home tonight....I don't think I can take any more introspective evenings alone, looking at new baby Facebook pictures....

In Trying to Get Out of My Funk...

(If you read my previous post, you'll know what I am talking about by funk)....I decided to post some pictures of Alexandra's second Halloween-first time Trick-or-Treating though. She had a wonderful time! I was not sure how she would handle it-if she would get upset being around so many new people, but she handled it beautifully. Kids must have this ingrained knowledge of trick-or-treating because, man, did that kid grab fist loads of candy when she was offered the basket. It must be some kind of kid instinct ;)

Anyway, here's some pics :)

 My little witch toting her candy bag along....

 Digging into Noni's candy before starting the night....

 Picture with Noni and G-Pops :)

 Alexandra's first ever house to trick-or-treat at :)

We went to six houses...after the sixth...Alex was d.o.n.e.

Turns Out Creepy Work Guy Was Wrong :(

*Sigh* I just haven't been in a great place these last few days. It will pass, I know that it will. I guess I'm just feeling the old, but familiar, taste of disappointment (and yes, some anger) over how unfair things are. I'm just throwing myself a regular old pity party over here because, realistically, I know that I am SO blessed to have a wonderful husband and one healthy (knock on wood) and wonderful child. Honestly, I need to stop watching Duggar family reruns (you know...19 Kids and Counting. Don't laugh, it's my guilty pleasure. I like to torture myself, apparently). Why, oh why is it so easy for some people????? This is the very question that will drive me insane, eventually.

I completely understand why I am feeling this way at this particular point in time. A friend from work just had a baby on Tuesday. I am happy for her, especially knowing how she struggled to get pregnant. But I am sad for me, for us, for Alexandra. I can barely stand to look at the pictures of her new baby. I've had baby envy off and on for about a year now. But this is the first time that it actually *hurt*. I mean, physically, hurt.

So last April, I wrote about some "odd" work colleagues who "felt" that I would get pregnant. One said by "this time next year" (meaning April), one said that I would be by the time Bree had her baby. If you forgot this post and would like to remind yourself what in the heck I am talking about...look here:

http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/2011/04/well-thank-you-creepy-work-guy.html

Anyway, Bree is the one who had her baby on Tuesday. And I'm not pregnant. I was really hoping that they had some sort of 6th sense or cosmic connection to the fertility Gods :( I know it is soooo silly to put any stock in people's "feelings" about when I will get pregnant. But heck-I'm superstitious. I have a feeling that most infertile women are, to a certain extent, superstitious. Well I am DEFINITELY not pregnant. Maybe "Bob" will be right in his guess though....that I will be pregnant by April. Lord, I hope so.

So anyway, I'm kind of down in the dumps...and really for no good reason. I *haven't* even started treatments yet. I really feel kind of like I don't have the "right" to be sad until treatments fail (hopefully they won't). But we have been trying naturally since March or April, with no luck. However,  it is kind of hard to get pregnant if you don't ovulate. Bleh.

So anyway...I'm gonna try to talk myself out of this funk over the next few days. Mind over matter, right? Everyone has their cross to bear. Their struggle in life. If this is mine, it kind of sucks, but it's a heck of a lot better than losing a loved one, being stricken with a serious illness or having a serious disability. There are 152165463543 + things that could happen that are worse...especially since we were blessed with our daughter (thank you thank you thank you!!!!). So I'm gonna do some work on myself...on keeping things in perspective. But I figured that it would be somewhat cathartic to indulge in a small pity party for the moment.....thanks for "listening".