Getting a Bit Scared...

It's really beginning to hit me. I want another baby. I'm beginning to feel ready for another baby. And why should this scare me? It's all the "what-ifs" that are beginning to enter my mind. Now that Alexandra is creeping up on a year old, I feel the pressure to have another baby, to give my baby a sibling who is close in age. What a thing to give your child! And the reality is, if I want them fairly close in age, we really need to get going on the baby making soon!

We have gotten some things done: fertility consultation, check! HSG, check! All we need to do is call up our doctor, book a baseline and order meds. In a way, I want to do all of that now. But I know that waiting a few months would be better. Reason 1: it gives me a little bit more time to keep getting myself in shape (not the big reason for waiting though). Reason 2: If we wait until the Spring, that means I will potentially get more maternity leave where we won't have to pay out of pocket for health insurance while I am on leave-and I will get the 6+ month leave that I had with Alex. Reason 3: We want to go to Australia this summer for 4+ weeks. We really want Alex to spend her summers there with Dan's family. We want her to know her Australian family and roots as much as her American roots. Plus, Dan's sister is finally pregnant after 4 years and countless cycles of IVF. We are close and we would very much like to be there for the birth (she's due in early August). So yeah-I don't want to be super pregnant in Australia. Three or four months would be ok, but not like 6 or 7!

So those are some of our reasons. All very legit. I know waiting makes more sense, but my heart is wanting to start now. That fear is there..."what if it takes a long time", "what if we have to go the IVF route this time", "what if it doesn't happen at all"????? But I also don't want fear to dictate our choices. Gah! I'm so torn right now! Especially because, in a way, I want to keep just enjoying Alexandra without the pressure of another little human depending on me-even though I want that other little human VERY much. I see how difficult it is for my friends who have two young children. They are exhausted. But I want that too! Do  want it now? Do I want to wait? What makes more sense? What if I wait a few more months and it takes forever and there is a big age gap and Alex isn't close with her sibling? What if I wait too long and it doesn't happen at all???? Waiting a few months-3 or 4 won't make that much of a difference, will it????

So yes, the fear has begun setting in...and the horrible infertility "what ifs". *sigh*

Can't resist...more Christmas pictures

Just to add a few to my previous post because I ran out of room :p

 There's no way I could get her to leave that hat on!

 Christmas day morning at our house

 Little People are great for teething babies!

 Christmas day dinner at aunt and uncle's house

 The three of us on our first Christmas together <3

Christmas!

I think every woman who has struggled with fertility has "those things" that they think and dream about happening once they have a child. You know-those things/times/occasions that may or may not be important or significant for anyone else, but you just find yourself imagining how it will be with a little person in tow. I had a few of those things: first time going up to camp with the baby, first time packing all of baby's gear for a road trip, first time pushing my baby in a stroller on a nice day, first conversation with fellow friends/mothers about dirty diapers and night time feedings and yes....the first Christmas with a baby. These are all things that I thought about, planned for, imagined even before Alex was conceived. Of course, it made events like going to camp and Christmas bitter sweet because, while I didn't have a child, I still hoped and wished that I would have one for the next year. Yep, bittersweet alright.

This Christmas was spectacular. I can't really say much more than that. It was tremendous on so many different levels. Of course, you kind of always worry that you built something up too much in your head. But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were awesome. Not only could we share the day with Alex, but we were able to introduce her to all of the old family's traditions...the things that made Christmas special when I was a kid. I saw Christmas differently this year because of it. It gained some of that magic back, some of that excitement and anticipation. I could go into a long diatribe about the parties and the food and the presents, but really, I would rather let the pictures speak for themselves!

 Continuing the tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve

 Big Christmas Eve party at noni and grandpa's house

 Lots of people...more downstairs

 Tiring night!

 Christmas morning!

 With all her new toys-Alex still loves mommy's slippers

 Santa came...ridiculousness ;)

 Buried in gifts

 One of Alex's favorite presents....Mega Bloks!

New Name!

Yes! That's right! My blog has a new name! The other one just didn't fit. I chose it in haste one Spring day because I just wanted to get on with the blogging already. This name suits me-for now.

Why this name? Well, it kind of fits who I am at the moment. And really, who am I (medically speaking, we don't need to get all existential)? I was blessed with a baby-so does that make me infertile still? I had a baby after all! Doesn't that, by definition, mean I'm fertile? Oh But wait-I'm pretty much sure that I will need medical assistance to have another one (and thank God for that technology). So therefore, I can't really be fertile, can I?

I am in that in-between zone. What the heck am I? It shouldn't really matter...infertility is just an identification, a label. Whether you are called "infertile" doesn't change whether or not you will have a baby. So why agonize over a name, a label? I honestly don't really know. But I will say that it kind of sums up our situation right now and, therefore, our choices. Maybe it won't matter so much when we're done having kids.

It's weird to think about a day when I won't need to think about having a baby; it's something that we've had to think about and plan for so long. It's strange to think that there will come a day when being "infertile" makes not one bit of difference to my life anymore. After all, through having Alexandra, I have come to fully realize that it does not matter how a child came to be. If s/he get here, safe and sound, who cares if you conceived on the first cycle off of birth control, or after a fully medicated, injectible cycle and a romantic session with an office syringe? It does not matter. The result is gloriously the same.

But we are a ways off of that moment. I'm in that in-between stage...and I thank God that I am!

So sick :(

The stomach bug has hit. Fortunately, I am the victim and not Alex. I'm keeping everything crossed that it bypasses both Alex and Dan. I'd hate for either to be sick any time, but I'd especially hate for them to be sick for Alex's first Christmas. Fortunately, Christmas Eve is still four days away so if they are bound to get it, hopefully it is out of the way by then. Good thing I got my Christmas shopping done!

I haven't had the stomach bug in years...but I quickly remembered how crappy it is: fever, vomiting, diarrhea, chills...you name it, I had it. I had to scramble around last night, between episodes of being sick, to call my boss and find someone else to chair the meetings that I was supposed to chair this morning. Yes, this bug did not pick a good time to strike-as if there ever is a good time.

So now I'm heading back to bed, avoiding my husband and baby as much as I can, in order to hopefully save them from this misery. I have my laptop, the TV and some ginger ale...guess I'm all set.

Woo Hoo....

Alex and her cousin, Briana, on Thanksgiving

Christmas shopping is done! Well, except for the gift card that we are going to be getting for our sitter to Texas Roadhouse. But-shopping is 98% done! In previous years, I was never one for online shopping. I wanted to be out in the malls, looking at the merchandise, hunting for the perfect present, being a part of the holiday mass. I really thought of it as participating in the Christmas season. Being one of the traditionalists.

This year, I did most of my shopping through Amazon...and it was glorious! Seriously, there is nothing like shopping from the comfort of your own couch, whilst still in your PJ's, drinking a cup of coffee. I just never realized how wonderful it was-plus-you can pretty much find anything you want online, whereas in the stores, it is sometimes a matter of luck and haggling.

So why did I make this change, you ask? A.L.E.X. My child is like her father-has a very limited tolerance for shopping. I think it has more to do with having to be strapped into a stroller or shopping cart. And my baby is on the move! She wants nothing to do with being confined to one spot. So yes, shopping with an 11 month old has been challenging and more than a little bit stressful. You just never know when she'll blow!

I thought I would miss it, going out, laboring for all those gifts. I really didn't. I think for the next couple of years, I will only need a little taste of the Christmas shopping-at-the-mall thing: a trip to Target, a run to Walmart, etc. At least until Alex is old enough to not scream whenever she's strapped into her stroller. Then I'll just have to worry about her hiding in clothing racks. Now onto wrapping!

Alexandra is getting a cousin!

Alex and daddy at her friend, Alexander's, first birthday!

...A first cousin that is!!!! Her first, first cousin-yay!!!! Fingers crossed, if everything continues to go well-Dan's sister, Veronica, should be having her first baby at the end of July/early August. We are so thrilled!

Veronica and I have both had our share of fertility issues. Those issues are what kind of brought us together and then we found out that we actually have a lot in common besides fertility problems. We have a great time hanging out together and I am just so so so happy for her! She is probably one of the most nurturing people I have ever met and really is MEANT to be a mother. Heck-she's a veterinarian...she's in the healing/nurturing business to begin with!

Anyway, Veronica's story is really kind of a miracle-and hopefully will give some inspiration to those out there struggling with fertility. Essentially, they have a few things going on (pcos, endometriosis, male factor issues). Veronica and her husband have tried to get pregnant for 4 or 5 years, and have even gone through 4 or 5 rounds of IVF. Yes, she's gone through so much and had never seen a BFP.

I'm sure my pregnancy was difficult for her...but Veronica was never anything other than positive and excited for us. She is just that type of person (not to mention a WONDERFUL aunt to Alexandra). Anyway, She and her husband were onto their next round of IVF when I guess Veronica did not respond well to the drugs. Her doctor chose to cancel the cycle, but Veronica asked if she could trigger anyway and still try the "old fashioned way". Her doctor gave her the go-ahead but pretty much shot down any hope of conceiving on their own.

Well...she is pregnant. And it's truly a miracle!!! Veronica is about 7 weeks now and just had her first u/s. They got to see their baby-who has a strong heartbeat and is measuring perfectly. We are keeping our fingers crossed and sending prayers her way. I am just so excited for her...this is what she was meant for.

I'm predicting a boy for her. But we have awhile to go before we can find out. And we are so excited to be planning a trip back to Australia for this summer-hopefully for around the time the baby is due! You know, I'm excited for Alex too...this will be her first "first" cousin and I hope that Alex's summers in Australia will be filled with good memories of getting into trouble with her cousin!

The First "Real" Injury

It had to happen sooner than later. Yep, I'm talking about the first injury...the first "real" injury that would freak this mama out. Let me preface this by saying that I hate blood. I hate seeing it, I hate smelling it. That goes triple + for it being my own child's blood!

This is what happened: Alexandra was in Dan's office pulling herself up on the dogs' crate. This is not unusual-she's been pulling herself up on anything and everything that stays still long enough for her to get a grip (dogs, cat, me, furniture....etc). She happened to fall-which normally is no big deal. Babies fall. However, this time when she fell, her little bottom baby tooth went into her lip and YUP-went straight through it :( :(

Understandably, Alex let out a blood-curdling scream (the kind where you KNOW something is really wrong) and I ran into the office. Dan had her and I saw blood going down her chin. And it was a good amount too! No one wants to see their child bleeding, but it's especially scary when it's the first actual war wound and they haven't had an injury before. Thank God Dan was there...because it seriously scared the heck out of me!

Anyway, we brought her into the kitchen and tried to stop the bleeding. What I didn't know is that lips bleed A LOT. Not to get graphic, but there was blood down the front of her, on me, on Dan, on the burp cloth that we were holding to her lip. I called my best friend, Jill, while Dan was tending to Alex...Jill is an RN. She gave me some tips for stopping the blood. Eventually, it did stop. And while I am absolutely sure that it was painful, after awhile Alexandra was crying more from being pissed off about what happened and tired than anything else. In the end, we got her cleaned up and she fell asleep on my lap with a bottle.

Yep...this is the nerve-wracking side to parenthood, one of the many!

Just to update....Alex is fine this AM. I expected her to wake up with a swollen lip and some bruising, but it looks just like a medium sized cut on her lip-not too bad....phhhewwww!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

Alexandra and her books-she LOVES her books!

It won't be long 'till she's walking!

Pictures from our amateur photo shoot...we were on a quest to find Christmas card pictures. What we learned: it's very hard to get a 10 month old to smile when she doesn't want to!

Checking out some pressies

<3

...at least up here it is! It has been snowing here since Sunday morning and has yet to let up....and we had a snow day today-yay!!!! So I used this extra day off for running some errands. We have three parties to go to this weekend, so I had to get a bunch of stuff for them. Now I don't have to trudge out after work to get it all done! I don't really mind all the snow before and during the Holiday season...it really does add to the excitement and feeling of Christmas. It's having snow after January 1st that I DO mind! I wish we could fast forward to Spring after all the holidays. I would be fine with completely skipping February and March. We can't skip January anymore, since that's Alexandra's birthday month ;)

So...our baby is going to be one next month! I can't believe it, I really can't :0 Since she hit about six months, time has just flown. I need it to slow down a little! As I excited as I am for all that she is able to do and going to be able to do, I need more time to absorb it all. I am, however, super excited for Christmas with her. Two Christmases ago-I was pretty unhappy. I had a miscarriage about four days before Christmas Eve and remember being at the mall after it happened. It seemed as though everywhere I looked, there were families shopping or mothers out buying their kids toys. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. It was a very lonely place to be. I still remember that feeling and, no matter how many kids we have, will always remember it. But that's ok. I had the experience for a reason. Maybe I can help someone else who is currently feeling the same way. Infertility is still a very taboo subject. I've decided to be more open about my own experiences so that others know that they aren't alone. It's amazing how many people can actually relate (that you had no idea about), when you do bring the topic up.

So anyway, I'm super pumped for this Christmas season and so very thankful. Alexandra is going to be one spoiled girl on Christmas day ;) But what the heck-she only has one first Christmas! Well, I'm off to rummage through some cookbooks. My friends and I are putting on a D & D party this Friday. D & D being dips and drinks. We are making key lime pie martinis and everyone is supposed to bring a dip. So basically, I have to figure out what to make for that and for the other parties. Should be a fun weekend! Alex gets to see her friend Alex (he's Alexander though) on Saturday for his first birthday. It will be the first time that they are together when they BOTH can crawl...can't wait!

**Sigh**

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Dress

At grandma and grandpa's for the big meal

Turkey Coma

Lately, I've just had this feeling of contentment wash over me every so often. I can't really describe it-just a feeling that everything is as it should be (knock on wood...I DO NOT want to jinx anything). The strongest such moment was the other day, one day before Thanksgiving. I was sitting on the couch, sipping some coffee. The morning news was on in the background. Alexandra was on the carpet in front of me toddling around. She was playing, doing her thing. And I was taking such joy in watching her, and in doing my thing...sipping my coffee, listening to the news in the background, listening to Alex jabber. It doesn't sound like anything special, but it was a spectacular moment. I don't know why. But I just felt so peaceful and satisfied.

And so thankful. For my husband and my baby. I don't know why I have been so blessed, but I hope that I can be the best mother and wife to them. And I hope to savor more moments, rather than get caught up in the holiday/life hub-bub. Because, really, despite all the daily annoyances, trials and tribulations, I have so much to be thankful for. And my goal is to never take that for granted.

Happy holiday season <3

Happy Halloween!

Family Pic :)

Alex party hopping-finding the class with the best stuff!

The full costume...the leggings are shimmery, but you can't tell from this pic. The socks make the costume, don't they? Lol.

Chilling in mama's office

Check out my purple and black spider hair extensions!

I hope everyone has a fun-filled (and safe) Halloween!!! As for us, we won't really be doing anything much tonight except handing out candy. We usually go to a Halloween party the weekend of Halloween, but couldn't get out there this year because we had no one to watch Alex (my parents are in Florida for a few weeks). Plus, I really wasn't ready to leave her overnight yet! No biggie-we'll go next year-and hopefully take Alex with us :)

Dan, being an amazing husband, did take 1/2 a day off work on Friday to bring Alex to my work for the annual Halloween parade. She was dressed as Tinker Bell and I was a dark and sinister queen, lol. We had a great time! I was a little afraid that Alex would be afraid of all the kids' costumes, but she handled it all in stride! Some pics are included :)

I've Been Bad...

Alex and her buddy, Ivan. She's trying to feed him a block.

Our front yard...love fall colors

Our amateur photo shoot

A bad blogger that is! I just can't seem to find any time lately. Work has been kicking my butt lately and when I'm home, I just want to veg., with Dan and Alex. But here I am...hopefully getting back into it!

It has been a busy but fun October. We've had two weddings to go to, one of which was SUPER fun. The girl getting married was a friend from college so I got to see all my college friends at her wedding (I don't get to see them regularly, as I moved to another part of the state)! So.much.fun. Seriously. I think we all danced all night and yes-I think the Electric Slide is still cool, lol. Great music, great friends, awesome reminiscing and a little happy buzz going on too. Just like old times! Other than the weddings, we've gone to various apple fests and to pumpkin patches and I am very much enjoying Alex's first Autumn with us. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving as a family of three, and of course to Christmas. I cannot wait for Alex to see the Christmas tree and all the lights-she's going to go crazy for it all!

Alex is doing great, btw. She's jabbering away and is such a little person now. She's also getting pretty mobile, which is fun but brings about a whole new set of worries (sharp corners, etc). I've always loved having her with us, but it's getting to be so much more fun as she is interacting and moving and her little personality is taking shape (or should I say BIG personality?).

Onto some fertility news....I had my second HSG on Monday and thank God, it didn't hurt AT ALL this time. It was about as uncomfortable as a normal pap smear. Totally manageable! I think having it done with my RE versus my GYN made all the difference. Basically, they do it more so they do it better. Giving birth I'm sure also had something to do with it not hurting. So yes, I'm very thankful for a MUCH better experience. Anyway, it's one step closer to hopefully having that second baby. I'm thinking we'll begin treatments sometime around January...which is coming up faster than I can believe!

Our Fertility Consultation...

An oldie...but one of my faves

Or should I say "re-consultation", as this is our second time through? Anyway-whatever we call it-it went well. It was weird though, walking back through those doors, seeing all the nurses/doctors/NP's...people I hadn't seen in about 16 months. We brought Alex with us, so all the staff we worked with in the past wanted to see her. And she was a ham, of course, smiling and grabbing and squealing at all of them! To be frank, I was kind of surprised that they remembered us. They have so many patients that I wasn't sure if anyone would. But it was nice to be remembered. After all, we spent a heck of a lot of time with that staff, lol.

As for the appointment, we can't get treatment right away, which is what I was fully expecting. They want me to have....(get ready for it)......ANOTHER HSG!!!!! Bleh. I believe I already posted about my hatred for this particular procedure. However, Meg, our np was very nice and said that I didn't have to go through it again if I didn't want to. And as much as I don't want to, I figure that I should do it just to make sure that there isn't anything new/funky going on with my tubes. Plus she said that they would give me a Valium ;)

Apart from that, I am on a medication that may not be safe in pregnancy, so I have to go back to my general practitioner to get put on something else. So basically, we probably won't be actively trying until December'ish. And I'm really ok with that. I will get the hsg done, get off the medication and continue my eating healthy kick-I'm on a role now! Basically, I'm just glad to get the ball rolling! And once we have everything set, I don't have to be on a waiting list to go back, I just call and can get in the next day. So we're getting somewhere. And I have time to enjoy just being with Alex without the pressure of trying to have another baby.

* A piece of very good news is that my new health insurance plan is even better than the old one for fertility coverage! This new plans now covers 3 IVF's, 6IUI's and the cost of medication will only be about $100-$200 bucks-for injections! All office visits/diagnostics are covered 100% I really need to give my employer a big fat kiss for that one! I am so, so very grateful to have the insurance coverage we have because I know a lot of people aren't as lucky...

Oh...and we're skipping Clomid altogether when we do begin...going right back to Gonal-F and Lupron! We decided to skip Clomid due to the vision changes I had while on it-Meg said that was a pretty serious side effect and that she wouldn't want to chance Clomid again.

Ok-that's all for now-sorry about the book!

Eight Months Old!

Trying to crawl!

Playing with her friend-another "Alex"-at her friend, Jack's, second birthday!

Enjoying all these new toys!

Fall Jamboree-she's not letting go of that pumpkin vine!

Finally-they are all looking! Alex with her "cousins" Rylee and Reese

Alexandra turned eight months old on the 17th! I cannot believe it! Time has gone by so fast and it's so strange to think that in three days, we are going to begin the process of trying for #2. Alex is still so young, I know...but she doesn't seem like a little baby anymore. She's trying to crawl, is becoming more vocal everyday, is into everything and looks more and more like a little girl than a baby! It makes me so happy and so satisfied, yet so afraid of missing a moment. I'm sure every mom feels like that though.

In other news, I've been back to work for about two weeks now. It has been c.r.a.z.y. We have a new group of students who have some very significant emotional and behavioral needs. So they have been keeping me very busy at work. Being a school psychologist is very rewarding, but also very frustrating. I have to be careful not to let myself become burnt out and am pretty diligent about leaving my work at work. Plus, when I'm home, I want to make the most out of that time with Dan and Alex. Family comes first...and I won't spend my weekends working on evaluations as I once had, just not willing to make that sacrifice.

Speaking of which, our weekends have been jam-packed lately-birthday parties, fall festivals, etc. Its been a lot of fun though-this weekend we are decorating for Halloween. We would have done more, except for the fact that 3/3 of us are sick :( Alexandra came down with a cold on Tuesday, and is on the mend. Dan came down with it on Thursday and spent the day in bed. Well-looks like it's my turn now. I have the works....runny nose, cough and a sore throat. Hope it goes away soon. I'm sure we all hate being sick...but being sick on a weekend just plain sucks! Anyway, I'll have to post some Halloween pics once we're all up and running and back to normal!

Three days until we see our fertility specialist. I'm totally nervous and excited both!

Back to Reality

On the way up to camp for a chilly Labor Day weekend

Bundled up with daddy at camp

On the way home-zonked out from all the festivities

Well, summer is truly over and tomorrow I have to go to work for the first time in eight months (with the exception of the three weeks I went to work in June for health insurance purposes)! I know I know...I really shouldn't complain because many, many moms have only six or so weeks with their new baby. But I'm so sad to leave Alex :( My maternity leave FLEW by...I have no idea where all these months went?

Six am is going to come wayyyyy too early. And I'm sure I will not have a restful night of sleep. So funny that even at 30, I have the "first day of school jitters". Yep-this school psychologist is stable, lol. Apparently, according to my teacher friends, it's a pretty common phenomenon amongst educators. After all, they don't know who will pop up in their classroom, just like I don't know who will come walking (running, stumbling, barreling) into my office. Yep...those first days are interesting, and difficult. It takes awhile to get back into the swing of things. I just so wish that our school had a daycare for Alex. Is it unhealthy that I am jealous of our babysitter because she gets to spend all day with my baby, while I only get from 4 o'clock on???? :/

Please Please Please...No HSG...

We're down to the wire...less than three weeks before we go back to our awesome fertility specialist! I can't believe we'll be going back to begin the process again, to try for number two! It doesn't seem too long ago that we were trying for number one.

Our doctor is really great...very warm and believes in western and holistic medicine. He's kind of a loopy, ex-hippy, medical genius. He's all about hugging and about balance in your life. He's quite a trip, but in a good way. It's really interesting to have such a lively, "out-there" doctor who visibly loves his job. I mean-this guy LOVES what he does. And thank God....he's really just amazing.

But oh man! I HOPE that I don't have to have another HSG test. For those lucky enough to never have had to face an HSG-I'm jealous. Anyway, it's basically injecting dye into your fallopian tubes to make sure they are open. Some people say it doesn't hurt-but it hurt like h3ll-for me anyway! So my mantra lately is "please no hsg, please no hsg". Hopefully it pays off, because last time around I was naive, this time I know better! But you gotta do what you gotta do, especially if it gets us another healthy baby.

Last Beach Day

She's getting so good at sitting!

Showing off the belly

Alex with Auntie Jill, not enjoying the cold water!

Well Alex and I had our last beach day for the summer. I cannot believe how fast it has gone. Pretty soon we go back to "normal" life where I will be working, Dan will be working and Alex will be with the sitter :( I am totally not ready to leave my baby girl, but I am kind of ready to get back onto a normal schedule. Things have been so crazy with going to Australia, going up to camp, weddings, etc. I'm looking forward to those cool fall weekends where I can hang with the hubs and my baby and bake/try new recipes. I'm actually looking forward to having weekends where we don't have to go anywhere or do anything-where a big trip out is going to Home Depot!

Anyway-we had a great time at the beach yesterday. We went with my bff, Jill, and her two kids (Rylee, age 3; Reese, age 4 months). Alex enjoyed looking around and seemed ok with the sand-she did NOT, however, like the cold water! Just think-next year she will be toddling around the beach :) Alex is getting so big so fast. Within the last few days she has become quite a babbler-stringing her consonant and vowels. Right now her favorites are "bababababa" "wabawabawaba" "wawawawa" and "gagagagagoogoogoo". She's said "mama" a few times, which is quite heartwarming, and has also said "good" three or four times.

In other news: exactly 3 weeks from today is when we return to our fertility specialist. I'm getting excited, but also nervous. I hope I don't have to go through another HSG test again...especially now that I know what to expect!