My "Baby" Girl

September 4th marked Alexandra's first official day of preschool! What made it even more real is that the UPK program is housed at her home elementary school (a pre-k through grade 5 building). I can't believe we have gotten to this point. My baby is a school-ager (kind of).

Dan brought her to orientation the day before, which lasted about an hour. I was bummed that I wasn't going to be the one to take her, since I had to work...AND that I wouldn't be able to drop her off and pick her up...BUT I will make sure I am there for her first day of kindergarten next year...even if that means taking the second day of work off for me!!!!

To put a kink in things, Tuesday was my first day back to work and, on the way to pick up the girls from daycare at about 3:30, my phone rings because Alex has a fever of 101.6. So she was sick all that day, threw up in her bed that night :( and was still sick for her orientation. It was only an hour, so Dan gave her advil so she could still go. The next day, she didn't go to daycare in the morning, but was able to do pre-school in the afternoon. AND.....she loved loved loved it!!!!!! I mean, seriously! She was bummed on Saturday when she couldn't go to preschool and keeps saying that she likes it "super more" than daycare, lol. I'm so glad she likes it and is excited about it!

So the remainder of the week went like this: Alex is pretty much all better by Thursday afternoon, I come down with a nasty cold and sore throat Friday and Saturday, Hayden is running a fever Friday and Saturday, and Dan has some sort of body ache/ virus Friday and Saturday. Ugh-the house of illness!!!! Welcome back to school/work, lol!

This week will be busy (and hopefully germ free!). We have gymnastics on Wednesday night and we start soccer again on Saturday morning. Not to mention, I'm starting my 24 day clean-eating challenge. I'm trying to jump start my new healthy way of life. Who knows....maybe this will get my pcos to calm the *bleep* down and get me ovulating. I'm not **planning** to have another baby, I will not do treatments again. BUT, if I'm ovulating, at least I can have a *choice* in the future to try for a third. Whether we do that or not...I don't know quite yet.

Look how big she is!!!!

Summer = Amost Unofficially Over

**Sad Face** Where did it go????? How can summer be coming to a close??? I'm definitely NOT ready...even MORE not ready than usual!!!!

I know I really need to suck it up. After all, this will be the first school year I have worked the ENTIRE school year since 2011-2012. But that's just it...I'm facing 9-10 months of craziness. It feels a bit daunting when you're looking at that head on, before even starting.

And I like my job, most of the time. I **generally** like the people I work with and, as a school psychologist, no day is ever the same. BUT...I just got used to being home with my girls.

Don't get me wrong. Some days I feel ready to go back. But those moments are usually found in the midst of meltdowns and dirty houses and cooking dinner with a wailing child on the floor. They are just moments, fleeting and short. I'm torn...I'm caught between **wanting** to BOTH work AND be home with the girls. Because I do like my job. And if I really wanted to stay home full-time, it would mean changing our life style drastically, BUT we COULD do it.

The thing is...I like our lifestyle, I like my job, I like being outside of the home part of the time (although, I wish it were only for like 2-3 days of work, versus 5), I like meeting new people, I like problem solving....I like knowing that I can support myself and my kids if Dan were ever injured or couldn't work. It gives me a sense of security.

But I also totally get why parents choose to stay home!!! The thought is VERY tempting after a long day. Part of the reason I went into school psychology versus clinical psychology is SO I would have a family friendly job. And I do. I'm out by 3:25 everyday, don't work weekends or nights and have 10 weeks off in the summer, not counting a week or two at Christmas, a week in February and a week in April (not to mention the "little" holidays). So I like to think I have the best of both worlds...but it's still a hard transition, to go back and face an entire year!!!

Ok. That was kind of a pep talk for myself!!!

This year will be busy busy busy!  Alexandra is going into pre-school and will be starting the UPK program at her home elementary school! It is a half day program, five days a week. She will be going to daycare in the morning, where they are also working on a pre-k curriculum, and then Dan will pick her up and bring her to preschool in the afternoon. We already bought her Frozen backpack that she is in love with...and I'm sure every second girl will have the same one! But whatever...she's happy!

We went shopping for her first supplies list ever! It was so strange, buying all that school stuff for her...and I just have no idea where time has gone. The adage about days being long and years being short are so very true! Btw--I don't remember ever getting supplies lists back in the 80's when I was in elementary school....Is this a relatively new thing???

Alex also has gymnastics on Wednesday nights and soccer on Saturday mornings. That's right, I'm going to be a soccer mom sitting in a sports chair and sipping my coffee-probably in sweats! I'm excited though, because I can leave Hayden with Dan and just have that one on one girl time with Alex! She wanted to do dance as well, but I think two activities is more than enough for us for now.

So yes...it will be a very busy year--especially with Hayden getting more vocal and even more active and into things!

So here's to hoping this school year is a good one!

Our FET Anniversary!

Yesterday marks TWO years to the day since we transferred our last, little frozen five day blastocyst...now known as Hayden!!!

We had such little hope for that cycle. I pretty much marked it as a formality just to "get through" so we could continue on (in good conscience) with another fresh cycle. It's amazing how life delivers these surprises!

We went through a lot in those early days. Low HCG levels (I think it was 25.5 at 15 dpo), being slightly behind in growth in the beginning (five days behind via ultrasound...the nurse said it could go either way), then our four day  NICU stay for reflux issues. But Hayden is here....spunky, funny, beautiful, healthy, smart...so smart. She has such a strong personality already...it somehow fits with her being a fighter and survivor early on. Love her so very very much....

 My five day frozen blastocyst, right before transfer 

 My first + test with Hayden, the line was barely there!

 Our first ultrasound at 4 something weeks...she was tiny tiny tiny

 Getting bigger, but still behind in growth...told it could go either way...

 All caught up!!!! And near term at this point!

And now for some present day photos!

WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!

I am SOOOOOOO excited!!! Beyond excited! I feel like a kid again!

We just planned and booked our Disney World vacation for right after Christmas!!!

We thought about waiting a few more years until Hayden is old enough to take part in more things and so she'll actually remember stuff but decided that Alex is just at such a magical age right now where she BELIEVES and LOVES all that princess stuff. This trip is really for her! Because she is going to lose her mind and I want to see her face and experience that magic right along with her!!! I'm not saying that she won't love it when she is eight or nine, but right now she will believe that an actress dressed up as Cinderella is ACTUALLY Cinderella...and the castle is ACTUALLY her castle! That's the magic right there!

As for Hayden, I'm sure we'll be planning another trip in about four years when she is five and Alex is eight! It's only fair, right (lol)???

So we are staying at a Disney Resort that looks pretty sweet. It has awesome pools and a super cool kiddy pool too!

We will be there for six nights...we leave the Saturday after Christmas (like two days later) and get in at about 2pm. We'll probably just relax and swim that day and explore the resort.

We are then going to the Magic Kingdom on Sunday and Monday for the whole day. We have a lot of things planned, but one of the highlights will be a character lunch at Crystal Palace-featuring Winnie the Pooh and all of his friends. I also intend to use one of our Fast Passes for a meeting with Elsa and Anna ;) Alex will lose her mind! My kid is a Frozen addict!!! We'll also make sure to hit Thunder Mountain and Splash Mountain and the brand new Seven Dwarves rollercoaster ride thing, which looks awesome!

Tuesday will be a day of semi-rest. We'll do the pool in the morning and then Alex got into the Bibbity Boppity Boutique for 3pm. If you have no idea what this is...Google it! It's a must for girls wanting glamorous princess makeovers!!! It's amazing we actually got in too, since we didn't book it the full six months in advance-we totally got lucky!!!! After that-Alex will be all dressed up and we go to dinner at 1900 Park Fair. This will be so awesome because it's dinner with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the step mother and step sisters. Apparently the interactions with the step-mom and sisters is hilarious! And Alex will be dressed up and I just love that!

Wednesday we are doing the Animal Kingdom and Thursday we are doing Epcot...we have another character meal that day at Akershus Royal Banquet Hall...Alex will be eating lunch with almost ALL THE PRINCESSES!

Friday we fly out at 7pm...so we have most of the day to lounge around the pool and hang at the resort!

So...as you can see from the sheer number of exclamation marks-I'm totally stoked! We really did the itinerary with keeping Alex's personality and desires in mind. This trip is for her. I cannot cannot cannot wait to see her face!

Plus, we are going around Christmas time, and everything will really be decked out! ANNNDDDD....I'm sure there will be some fun happenings for New Year's!

Planning was a bit stressful, especially because many people book things 180 days out...but we got reservations for everything we wanted..which was extremely lucky!!! Now I'm pouring over all the Disney World tip blogs and am getting slightly obsessed, lol....

C's IVF Update...

Kind of weird that I'm dedicating so much time to this issue! Kind of feel like my friend needs her own blog!

Anyway...now for the big update....

As I reported last time, C., had seven seemingly beautiful day three embryos that were being sent out for PGD. All seven were graded as threes or fours (four is the best).

She got her PGD results on Saturday and learned that of those seven embryos, only two were girls....and BOTH were unhealthy! One would have been born with Down Syndrome, and one lacked another X chromosome, so it would never have resulted in a pregnancy.

Two other male embryos were also unhealthy. SO in the end, she had three male embryos that were left that appeared to be perfectly healthy, based upon the tests they run. However, they only run tests looking for certain disorders.

To make a long story short (which I'm not good at)...C., and her husband were super upset! They could not believe that they had no healthy female embryos. They just naturally thought that IVF would work the first time, which I think a lot of people think is a given--especially if you don't really have fertility problems.

And I'll be honest here...I'm a human and not every part of me is good and kind. I was truly sad to see C., so upset, but kind of relieved that it didn't work. They had no respect for the process, the process had lost its integrity. The embryos had lost their integrity.

**** Now let me make this very clear....I would never have wished anything "bad" to happen to C., or the pregnancy if she got pregnant. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. But I'm kind of satisfied that it didn't work. She was just so sure it would, so cocky about it. And believe me. I know how bad that sounds and I read it and cannot believe I'm actually writing that down! I'm not that type of person...but this situation....its just been hard.

So on the day that would have been C.,'s transfer, they met with the doctor and decided to freeze the three male embryos. C., said that she would have just gone and transferred one, despite it being male...because, while she wants a girl, she wants a little baby more. Her husband, however (in an extra douche-y move), talked her out of it.

So they are going to try another IVF cycle for a girl. And this is where I get upset again because they will be making EVEN MORE embryos that will never be used...all for their quest for a girl. And they are going to try to get insurance to cover it...again. Which really makes me insane! They just seem so ungrateful! And they are using the system completely....

So yeah...that part really sucks...even more embryos going to waste. My satisfaction was short lived when I thought about that.

Remembering...

Ok, so I guess one good thing to come out of C's cycle is that I am remembering my own IVF cycle and how very terrible it was...and realize again how lucky we are!!! I mean, seriously, would COULD go wrong DID!!! I've been reading through some of those old posts and I am shocked that I had a baby out of that cycle. So I'm going to post a link to the start of my IVF cycle, my baseline, for anyone that wants to read about how bad the whole thing was (follicles not responding, shrinking lining, decreasing estrogen levels, broken vials of Lupron, etc etc)! Or if you know anyone going through IVF who is discouraged, send them the link...it's proof that a beautiful baby can come from a completely screwed up, crazy protocol, cycle. Of course, our fresh transfer didn't work...but our frozen from this completely crazy cycle did!!!

http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/2012/02/baseline-check.html

This link is for my FET, where I conceived Hayden. It talks about the process and about the "early days" with Hayden when we didn't know if she was going to actually make it...I love that I have all of this documented. It reminds me of what a fighter she was. Not so surprising that she's so spunky today!

http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/2012/08/fet-updateand-stuff.html

Hope this helps someone!!!

UGH.

In my last post, I told you all about my friend "C"., who is having IVF for the only reason of gender selection. I made my feelings well known.

SO...just to update, and because the whole thing is making me crazy...here are the stats:

C., had her retrieval on Tuesday and they got ten eggs; seven were fertilized.

They called her today to say that ALL seven were still growing and looked beautiful-they were all three's and four's (a grade of four on day three is the best). Kind of not surprised by this, since she doesn't have fertility issues after all!!!

They are sending all of the embryos out for PGD today and she should know by Sunday if she has any healthy girls in the mix. With seven, I'm sure she does.

So like I said, this whole thing is making me crazy and I'm struggling to handle it with grace. It's not my life, my body, my embryos...but I still don't have to like what she is doing. It is out of my control though.

One thing that bugs me is that all seven embryos are doing great. I know this sounds odd to complain about, but that means there potentially could be SIX healthy embryos that are completely discarded "just because". This really upsets me. It upsets me when I think of how hard I worked for my babies and how hard so many women are still working.

I'm not overly religious, I'm not that into organized religion (although I do believe in God and do pray almost daily for the safety of my kids and family--something no one really knows about me). I support gay rights completely, stem cell research, I'm fairly liberal...but this just seems wrong to me.

When she told me the news, I actually felt like crying. I was hoping she wouldn't have so many, that there would be less being discarded.

And I'm also wondering where the "fairness" is! Out of 21 eggs retrieved, I only had one healthy enough to make my beautiful baby. I went through hell that cycle. Everything that COULD go wrong, did. I'm so extremely lucky we have Hayden here with us. And she just gets to float through her cycle on a cloud with everything, everything going perfectly. Ugh...all those healthy embryos :/

So I'm just having trouble with the whole thing. I went into IVF after giving it a lot of thought. I knew that we wouldn't discard any of our embryos, even though I have only every wanted 2 or 3 kids. But as I see it, I had a responsibility to ALL of those embryos because WE chose to create them. We would have also considered embryo adoption if we had a ton left over. Because lets face it, I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle six kids, lol. I guess it's important, more so than I realized to me, that the integrity for life stays in the whole process.

 I fully realize that I sound "holier than thou"...but no thought went into this on her part. All she could think about was that she wanted, "needed" a girl. She didn't consider any moral dilemmas. At least if you're going to do this...truly think about it, understand what you're doing, even if you make a decision to discard. Don't just go into it with a flippant, blase attitude without doing the research. And perhaps this is what bugs me most of all by this situation.

The "Price" of Wanting a Specific Gender....

Oh hey! Look at this! Blogging TWO days in a row! I'm awesome ;)

So, in regard to the title, this is not about me. This is about a friend. Who really really really really wants a baby girl. In fact, she wants one so badly, she is "making" it happen.

Me? I just wanted a healthy baby. I'm not saying that to toot my own moral horn. Honestly, when you don't think you'll ever have **any** babies, you're (or at least I was) not as picky. It has nothing to do with me being a better person, etc etc. I was just more desperate. I think it's natural to want one gender over another at first. But how far do we go??? Side note, I will admit that I was thrilled to have girls...

So I have a friend who has two little boys. She and her husband are desperate for a girl. And to make a VERY long story short, she is seeing "my" fertility specialist and is undergoing IVF and PGD to make sure she has a girl.

I try not to be judgemental. And I'm somewhat successful, but it has been hard lately (she's stimming now) because infertility and fertility treatments are very near and dear subjects to me. She has never had any difficulties getting pregnant, despite "technically" having PCOS (although she fits no criteria for it, other than having cysts on her ovaries). But, because she has cysts, she is able to get her insurance to cover her IVF fully. And she basically lied to everyone and said that she's being trying to get pregnant for over a year when, in reality, she has been having protected sex to MAKE SURE they DO NOT get pregnant because IVF with PGD has been her goal the whole time.

So my issues with all of this:

A. She's lying to the doctors and insurance and basically committing insurance fraud
B. She's trying to be hyper stimulated so insurance will cover the IVF because that's the only way they would without her doing IUI first. I've been through hyperstimulation. It sucks. So I kind of feel like this is a mockery of what I went through. Because it's obviously all about me ;)
C. She's taking appointments and time away from other women who are desperate for these services and who need them!
D. There are women out there who would be thrilled to have one healthy baby, much less two like what she has. I feel like she's kind of ungrateful
E. If you want a third child, it should be because you want a third. It shouldn't be that you want ONLY a third IF it's a certain gender
F. Insurance is covering a 15K procedure when she has no issues conceiving. Do you know how many women would kill for that insurance???!!!! There are zillions of women who can't afford fertility treatments
G. Does picking the gender = playing God? I don't know. I really don't. People could say that IVF is playing God too. I do not subscribe to this belief though for a few reasons...
H. One of my biggest issues is what happens to all of her leftover embryos??? Will they be discarded simply because she only wants a girl and only wants one more child? Not having any actual fertility issues, chances are that she will have leftover healthy embryos. It breaks my heart to think that they will just be discarded.

So these are my issues. And I tried not to sound too "judgy" and failed. I know...failed miserably. And I'm actually ok with that. Coming from MY perspective and with my experiences...I hate that she is doing this. I hate that she wants to talk to me about it and tells me how easy the whole process has been (really???!!!! Oh wait, you have two kids so you aren't going through the process while being desperate for a baby and emotionally exhausted and worried sick that nothing will work).

 I hate that she talks to me about the medicine like she's an expert. I put in the research. I know how things go. I HAD to do this. Don't liken our experiences because they ARE NOT the same.

I guess it also really irks me that she is so sure of her success, so sure that it will work on the first go. Me...I went through treatments never sure of anything. Would I have any good follicles? Will I hyperstimulate? Can I even get pregnant? Can I get pregnant again or was Alex my one allotted miracle? Will I miscarry? How long will I have to do treatments? Will anything work? Why isn't this working?

And I was lucky. I have two beautiful girls. And,comparatively, my treatments did not take too long before I found success. My point is...I was sure of nothing. And it was exhausting and nerve wracking and just plain scary. So yes, hearing about how everything has been "so easy" is a slap in the face. Hearing about how sure of her body she is does, I will admit, makes me jealous. I can't help it. It's my leftover infertility baggage.

So...I don't know what's going to happen...I just hate this situation.

It's My Kid's Fault...

...And by "kid", I mean kid #2. Yes, my beautiful, spunky little Hayden Charlotte is primarily the reason I haven't blogged in-ohhhh-close to three months.

Ok. She's my scapegoat. She can't really talk yet. Perfect scapegoat.

In reality, I've been the following:

A. Unmotivated to write
B. Busy with play dates and soccer and gymnastic and going to camp on the weekends
C. Not allowed to sit at my desk and write for longer than 5 minutes without my little one having a major fit
D. Too exhausted at night to think about doing anything more than staring blankly at the TV

Seriously, baby girl is going through some serious separation anxiety and wants to be on me with me all. the. time. Love her dearly, beyond dearly...but mama needs a break.

Anyway...we have had a busy summer, despite not taking our normal trip to Australia! Alex has been playing soccer and doing gymnastics and is growing like a weed. Her newest request is to have her ears pierced. I'm not opposed to it...but this is also the kid who gets a tiny scratch and thinks her arm is going to fall off. So yeah, holes in her ear lobes...I'm not sure how she'll handle that.

Hayden is 15 months, has most of her teeth, can say about 10-12 understandable words ("talks" a ton though) and is a walker (and climber...kid climbs everything!). She is a big ham and loves to dance and get attention. She is not quite as laid back as we originally thought and can be quite the diva. She definitely has a strong personality...which isn't surprising. She was our fighter after all, our last frozen embryo....She survived against the odds!

Life has been chaotic...but good.

Unfortunately, my child is screaming at me while trying to crawl up my legs, so I guess this is all I'm allowed to write for now.

Now for a recent pic...I better do this super fast :)

I Suck at Blogging and I'm Now a Klepto.

I have been a major slacker. But you know...whatever. I'm back to work so life is chaotic! I do, actually miss blogging though. I need a class in time management because I can't seem to get ANYTHING done lately!

Work has been going ok. Actually, scratch that. Work has been a major downer lately. I have some really tough cases but, worst of all, I have some very sad cases that make me want to scream over the unfairness of  the life that these children are brought into. Seriously...if you can't take care of, don't want, can't stand (etc.) children, stop having them. Or DO NOT start at all. I've had a rough week working with completely uncared for and, in some cases, abused kids.

Anyway. I need to compartmentalize now.

So my kids are turning me into a klepto. I let Alex get something small from the store (a ball, a piece of candy, etc) and she holds onto it. Then I leave the store completely forgetting that she is still holding it! And I'm serious. I have completely forgotten about it and have unintentionally "stolen" said item. I'm not even "pretending" to forget. I have forgotten. That's how muddled my brain is lately.

AND then I see it when we are about to get in the car. MOST times we go back and pay for it. But I gotta tell you...there has been a time or two (probably only two) when Hayden is screaming (or whatever) and I'm just like...whatever. It was in plain view. I wasn't hiding it. I had not intended to NOT pay for it. Sorry, but such is life. I am not taking my one year old back in the store (btw...she's teething), to pay 97 cents for whatever.

I'm guilty. Charge me. The worst part is that I actually DO feel VERY guilty. Seriously. It's that damn moral fiber my parents have woven into me. I try to make it "ok" in my head by saying, well at least it's not a "mom and pop" store...this has only happened two times at a big, giant store chain...where I've just spent $260. So...you know....not all crimes are created equal.

Don't bash me. I already feel badly.

And on a sweeter note...some pics of Easter :)

Don't Blame the Cleaner...Word to the Wise...

My child has a fantastic, steel trap, almost freakishly long memory. Obviously we are talking about the older one here.

She remembers everything. Although, some of it I think she makes up, i.e., "Mom...remember when you said I could get a slushy today" or "Remember when you said we could get a pig and name it Harvey". That was actually a real one too.

My daughter is a hoarder. Stuffed animals, toys, itty bitty little Barbie shoes, itty bitty doll tiaras. She won't even let me throw out her socks that have a big ol' hole in the big toe area.

But what is a dangerous combination??? When your child hoards and has a steel trap memory! Because you can't. get. rid. of. anything.....ever.

Which, of course, means that I use the time while she is at school to get rid of things. I think that I'm getting rid of tiny, inconsequential items. I would never get rid of anything important or anything she still plays with, or even anything she's merely looked at within the last six months. However, she always finds out.

Sometimes it's at 3am, when she wakes up after the startling revelation that all 34 stuffed animals are not on the bed with her. One is gone...moved...to a toy basket next to her bed. All hell ensues. Yes. This has happened.

But the worst is when she is looking for some tiny piece of junk...a particular Barbie shoe, a half deflated balloon, a plastic party whistle. These are things I try to clear out of the house on a weekly basis. Purge is more like it. And I'm always, always confident that she won't miss these things.

And, invariably, she does. She asks and whines and get upset when she can't find what she is looking for. And what do I do, wuss mom that I am????

I blame it on the cleaning lady...a wonderful woman who cleans our house once/week. She is heaven sent. Seriously.

I figure there's no harm in it, right? I say, "Oh hon...I'm sorry, Brenda must have thrown it out by accident". Alex kind of does the whole "Oh shucks" routine, but gets over it.

This works because Alex doesn't see Brenda. She comes and cleans while we are at gymnastics and then play group. It's convenient. Brenda is the scapegoat for me having a less cluttered house.

So yeah, it has worked out really well for me, and Brenda was none the wiser. Until this past Thursday. We got home from gymnastics and playing early. Brenda was in the final stages of cleaning. Alex said hi to her and was very polite and happy to see her. And then...I saw her face change. And she marched over to Brenda and proceeded with: "Brenda (or "Bwenda" as Alex calls her)...you need to stop throwing out my dolly shoes, I need them...especially Cinderella's glass slippers". Brenda, poor Brenda tries to defend herself, but my kid is having none of it..."Because my mommy said that you are the one who throws out the shoes by accident".

And then it comes back to me. I'm a bad person. I know this. I make some sort of laugh and tell Alex to stop bugging Brenda. But yes...I do feel like an ass. And it was kind of awkward.

So there you go...don't shift blame...next time you get rid of something of your kid's...flat out denial of any and all knowledge is the best option.

So What Am I?

I feel like my blog no longer has an identity. And it's VERY likely that I'm over thinking this whole thing.
So, what-for something like three years-this was an infertility blog with a smattering of "parentables" thrown in? But now fertility, or rather infertility, is playing less and less a role in my daily life. I don't talk about it everyday, I don't think about it everyday. Which is a GOOD and healthy thing. This was the stage I looked forward to when I was struggling, when all I could focus on was my suckiness at getting pregnant on my own...you know, something the average 13 year old crack head can do by "accident". Ok...I am, however, still working on the residual bitterness thing.

Anyway. My point is...unless we decide to have a third baby, because I'm not completely closing that door yet, infertility is going to become less and less a focus of my life. So what the heck do I write about? There a gazillion of mommy blogs out there...I'm no different. But I want to keep writing, and I don't want to have to stick to a clear focus because I'm doing this for me. So I can read back through and see what the heck I was doing or thinking at 33 years old.

I guess part of the problem is that, because I started out blogging about secondary infertility (following primary), I feel guilty if I have anything less than magical things to say about parenting. It is difficult for me to be honest all the time while blogging because I don't want anyone reading this to think I'm an ungrateful biatch. Because I'm not. Every. Single. Day., I thank God and medicine and the doctors and yes, even my slightly dysfunctional body, for my two girls.

But that doesn't mean that parenting is without hardship and struggle. For instance, Hayden is getting her 12 month molars and Alex is entering the "ferocious fours". Some days are hard, but I wouldn't trade these struggles for anything. Heck-I earned these struggles!!! I put my body through hell for these struggles!

So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be less scared, more honest about parenting. If I'm having a bad day, or my kids are seemingly in need of exorcism, I want to be able to candidly state that without feeling guilty. And btw-the guilt is in my own head, due to the reason I started this blog. No one has ever made me feel that way.

So anyway. This is the way I have been feeling. I just don't want to upset anyone who stumbles across this blog who has yet to conquer infertility.

And I have to wonder, aside from blogging, is this whole thing another infertility legacy? Feeling guilty about having days when you can't wait until bedtime because you swore that you would never complain once you were lucky enough to beat infertility? Because I know that I swore that.

But here I am. Tired. Stained with coffee. Scratch on my face from itty bitty Hayden nails. Baby molars puncturing her gums and making her scream off and on for 12 hours...and I can't wait for Dan to get done with work so I can get a little help.  So yeah. Today is a hard day. It DOES NOT make me any less thankful for my girls. The worst days would never, ever make me less grateful and thankful that our prayers were answered. But dang-this momma needs to do a little cathartic letting off of steam...and hence this blog...that no longer has any sort of identity.

THEE Countdown Begins....

Don't get excited. I'm referring to the countdown for starting back at work the Monday after Easter.

How am I feeling about returning to work after a whole year off???

Well, you see, that depends on the day, hour, minute....

First thing's first: I know that I am SUPER lucky to have been able to take a full year off. I don't know many women that are able to do so. So I had a full year with both my babies.

But like many big changes, I have mixed emotions. Part of me wants to go back, part of me dreads going back.

Things I look forward to: my morning commute (I know, weird)...it's just me, my coffee, country roads, and the Elvis Duran radio show; my coworkers (most of them); adult interaction on a daily basis; having more of a routine; using a different part of my brain for the job; the day to day variability....

Oh-and did I mention that I only work for ten weeks and then have the summer off??? Yeah, work ten weeks, off for ten weeks! So there's that!!! I kind of feel like I'm just getting my feet wet this year.  I can handle anything for ten weeks, right????!!!!

Things that are kind of bumming me out: working five days a week and not seeing my girls all day every day! Going into annual review season, which means a lot of meetings for a school psychologist; workplace drama; boss drama (thinking of one boss in particular); being stretched too thin, last minute evaluations and testing; annual review stress.

But of course, the biggest con is that I won't get to see my girls for 12+ hours a day. But I generally like work. I mean, sure, there are days I hate it, days that are a drag, but I usually like my job and think that I am doing something important.

I guess I'm feeling guilty because I know that, if I were really adamant about being a stay at home mom, we could make it work. My husband is fortunate enough to make a good living as a software developer. We could make it work. It would take some changes, but whatever. The thing is-I like the security of working. I don't want to give that security up, knowing that I could support us if Dan were injured or whatever. I also carry the insurance...and our insurance is top notch! But I think, also, love it or hate it, work is part of who I am...part of what I was raised for. And I feel like something is missing when I'm not doing some sort of work in some capacity outside of the home.

Giving up work would be giving up financial and personal security, giving up my state retirement (!), giving up my awesome insurance plan, and changing the way we live. The other thing is, I could go back to work after Hayden begins kindergarten, but by that time I wouldn't be able to go back to the job I have now. The job hunt would start again, I would have to start a tenure track again, I would have to retire later, and it's very hard to get a job as a school psychologist after taking five years off! I would no longer be "relevant"-as horrible as that sounds.

So anyway, I've made the choice to go back. And it makes me happy and sad. And I feel guilty, but I've also resigned myself to knowing that moms always feel guilty about something. My kids are happy, they know we love them more than anything, they are clothed and fed and emotionally/intellectually stimulated. That's all that matters. And daycare/school gives them something I can't staying at home...a world outside of home. New friends, new daily experiences...a balanced life. I know myself, and a strength of mine as a parent IS NOT getting creative with crafts, etc. So this is stuff they get elsewhere. And I'm ok with that.

And I also know that I am blessed to be in the field I'm in. I help people for a living, families and kids. BUT-this is also such a family friendly field. I'm out of work by 3:20 everyday. I only work Monday through Friday. I have summers off, all holidays off and will have all the same school breaks as my kids! I only work roughly 180 days/year-so I have half the year off! So there you go. It's kind of the best of both worlds.

And I know that I sound like I'm trying to convince myself that everything is all good. And maybe I am. All I know is that I AM lucky to have options, to be able to actually choose staying home vs. going back to work.

Now if only they would let me work three days/week...I'd be all over that in a heartbeat, no guilt, no drama!





























































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HPT's...Old Habits...

I took a hpt a few days ago. I haven't taken one in a very, very long time. Which is great because I used to be addicted to peeing on the stick.

Only 4 dpo? No problem...I'll test...just to make sure the trigger is out of my system...
I'm bleeding? Oh well, maybe it's implantation bleeding. I should test just to make sure...
My last test was negative? Not a problem. It was probably too early! I should test again...

Yeah. Any excuse and I used it to test. A zit on my chin, some extra cervical mucus, feeling bitchy...used to all be completely valid reasons to test. I shudder to think about how much money went down the--er--toilet.

So I tested a few days ago. This time, I really really felt like it just might show a line. There were so many other times when I tested, that I knew it was a waste of time. I just couldn't control myself (like most addicts). This time though, I was actually pretty confident.

My symptoms? My sense of smell to rival a blood hound's; a small amount of spotting around when my period was due (this was the biggie, as I had a bit of implantation bleeding with both girls) and NO period in sight. Of course, with pcos, the no period thing is kind of par for the course. However, it had been coming every three weeks or so since Hayden was born. Now, it was late, and late by a week or two.

I took the test. I actually took two a day apart. They were negatives. I studied them for about 5 minutes, held them up to natural light, turned the test to look from different angles, and even dumpster dove a time or two. But, alas, they were negative.

And I was ok. There was no devastation like every other time I have tested.  In fact, my disappointment was tempered by relief. What an odd feeling for me, given my experiences. Hayden is eleven months. Do I actually want to be pregnant right now? Right before summer and camp season? Am I content with my two (knock on wood) healthy girls? And I think, for now, I am. Getting a positive test would have been a shock. And I think, this time, I would have actually had to get used to the idea. So is this a way of knowing if we are done or not? I don't know. I don't think this is a "tell all" moment. But it's just something else to think about....

Florida or Bust!

We got back from our trip to Ft. Myers to visit my parents late Monday night. No time to blog though! Needed to catch up on laundry, cleaning, unpacking, errands, gymnastics runs and soothing a sick AND teething baby. Yeah. That part has been...eh...challenging. We are heading to the doctor's today because I think Hayden may have an ear infection. Poor kid...hope she doesn't have my crappola ears or it will be "tube city" for her :(

Anyway, we had a great trip! As I mentioned in a previous post, the girls and I flew down on Monday morning and Dan didn't join us until Thursday. I was anxious about having both girls on the flight on my own, despite being pretty practiced with traveling with kids!

Anyway-on the way down, they were both GOOD AS GOLD! I mean, you couldn't ask for two better kids! Hayden mostly slept on my chest and Alex played with her ipad. Plus, I had two awesome seat mates who actually went out of their way to entertain Alex. The world is still full of saints I tell ya!

The Florida weather was pretty good. Not great...but after the winter we had, I'll take it. There was one day that it rained, so we went to the Golisano Children's Museum, and there were a few cloudy days (no rain)...but they were WARM so we totally didn't care!

Anyway, we went to the beach a few times, the children's museum, to shop the outlets, swimming, the splash pad and play ground...the girls both had a blast with Noni and G-Pops.

 Ready for the pool!

 The girls with Noni and G-Pops

 At Golisano Children's Museum

 Alex "rocked" this rock wall. She climbed over the red line, which was allowed, oops!

 First ride on a swing!

 Alex with her cousins at the beach

 Despite loving the beach in Australia, she hated it in Florida!

 Splash pad

 And this is what Hayden initially thought of it...

 But then she came around...kind of

 Daddy and Alex building a sand alligator

 First time Alex plays mini-golf!

When to Say When?

I am SO struggling with the idea of having more children. More specifically...struggling with both ideas: of having MORE kids and of having NO more kids. Yeah...I can't get my head around either option right now.

So what the heck? The thought of being "done" is so odd to me; I've spent so long being so consumed by trying to have babies. The thought of not trying, of putting all this infertility junk behind me leaves a kind of weird void. Not a bad void, but still a void nonetheless. It really is challenging to think of never being pregnant again, never getting THAT phone call or seeing the second line on the pee stick.

But then...there are moments when I feel SO ready to be done. Moments when both kids are inexplicably grumpy or fussy. Times when I'm trying to get some housework done and absolutely can not because someone needs another drink or to be held. And yeah, I love sleep-so there's that to put into the equation as well.

But those moments where I am DONE are fleeting. Always fleeting. Incidentally, the moments where I am sure that I want more are also fleeting. So yeah...I'm just a big pile of confusion and uncertainty.  I would say that we are 92-95% done (as opposed to 99.98% done while I was pregnant). So I thought maybe putting the pro's/con's of having another baby down on paper might straighten things out. Works in the movies?

Pro's:
1. I can experience pregnancy again (this could also go on the con's list, as I was so sick the entire time with Hayden).
2. All the firsts: first sono, first u/s, seeing them/holding them for the first time
3. Getting to go through all the stages again...just one more time!
4. Get to pick out an awesome name
5. Potentially having a boy would be kind of neat (but not make or break)
6.  Giving my girls another sibling*****And hopefully having another life-long companion!!!
7. All the excitement of getting ready for another baby (shopping!). Ok, I know this is a shallow one.
8. Having another child. That's "pro" enough. Another child to bond with and to love. Which, of course, is the most important reason of all.

Con's:
1. Would be looking at going through the baby phase all over again once my kids are much more independent
2. I'm getting older...34 in June...and I wouldn't want to even try again for another year or two
3. Most likely, I would have to use medical assistance again. And do I really want to put myself through that emotionally or physically?
4. Childbirth. Enough said.
5. More kids = more money. And I'm not talking just about small stuff. I'm talking about college tuition, etc.
6. Going to and from Australia regularly would be a b*tch
7. Either we would have to move or the girls would have to share a room (not a fan of that idea). We have a big house with very large rooms, but that also means not as many rooms (3 bedroom house)
8. Pregnancy anxiety...about miscarriages, etc.
9. We would probably need a different vehicle, and I love mine already
10. Dh doesn't know if he wants a third, but is not completely against the idea
11. We have two healthy girls now (thank God and knock on wood)...do I want to chance it again?
12. Even less time to myself or 1:1 time with my husband
13. Spread even thinner than I am now
14. I hear that having 3 kids can be a weird dynamic
15. More opportunity for kids fighting
16. Most of my friends will be beyond the baby stage. And while this isn't a big deal, it will still be weird not having friends doing the "baby thing". It might feel a little bit isolating.
17. I've only ever said I would have two
18. I just don't know if I want a baby for the "right" reasons.
19. Not being able to really sleep for the next several years
20. Having my schedule dictated by a cranky baby
21. I just don't know if my heart is really into it

So, as you can see...the Con side is definitely a fair bit longer...and it was easier to write. BUT-the pro side has some "biggies". Having another child, falling in love with that child, giving my kids another sibling. Those are massive, unquantifiable things. And the thought of shutting that door forever is very scary and I'm not quite ready to be there. So I'm just as confused. Dang list didn't work.

How did you know when you were done? Is it a feeling that comes right away or that grows over time????

St. Patrick's Fail...Thanks, Pinterest.

St. Patrick's Day was two days ago. We did the usual stuff...both kids wore green Irish themed shirts, I had corned beef going in the crock pot (to have with our mashed taters and roasted brussel sprouts-oh and white sauce to go over the corned beef. Which, judging by my FB feed, Americans are completely clueless about. I guess it's a mostly Australian thing???) and even decided to treat Alex, hubby and myself to a Shamrock shake. Small for me. Because you know...that's like half my daily caloric intake right there-packed into green, thick, creamy gluttony. We'll ignore how I had like three a week last year while pregnant. Anyway. I thought I was doing well with the whole St. Pat's thing. I even bought Alex a bunch of boxes of Lucky Charms Rice Krispie treats to bring into school for her party. We were good.

Except that we weren't. Apparently, I missed the memo that St. Paddy's day is now like the new Easter/Christmas. Uhhhh-parently, a mischievous, spritely little leprechaun is supposed to sneak (invade) into your home and do quirky little things like leave green foot prints all over the place, pee green in the toilet and leave chocolat gold coins in its wake. This little bastard leprechaun is supposed to engage in all sorts of good-natured high-jinx. Oh what fun!

So naturally, when I picked up Alex from school, she wanted to know WHY the leprechaun didn't come to our house! He came to Johnny's house and to Brielle's house and to Ashlynn's house...He even came to her school! After all, there were even foot prints on the walls and chairs to prove it! The leprecaun left all the kids at school a green coin too. BUT..Brielle and Ashlynn got gold, CHOCOLATE coins AND Rachel's leprechaun left them GREEN milk.

"So where was OUR leprechaun, mommy?" (It also didn't help that I was pulling Alex out of her school-and therefore out of her party-early for a doctor's appointment. And NOT only any doctor's appointment...but one where she had to get three shots...thanks in part to getting bit by a friend's dog over the weekend...another story).

And that's when I realized I missed the boat. St. Paddy's day is now..."a thing". It's bigger and better than ever. So when did this happen? I don't think I even wore green on St. Pat's day when I was a kid???

But I think you Pinterest savy moms know that Pinterest is to blame. Thanks for giving more "with-it" parents cute ideas for how to make the day extra fun and special and memorable. Those seeds of creativity were sewn in parents' minds all over and a legion of mini red-headed dudes were now responsible for all kinds of crazy hijinks in homes across America...except ours.

So now I know. Memo received. St. Pat's day is a thing. Next year I will be ready for you.

Side note...I wonder if showing her the movie "Leprechaun" would squelch her yearning for a visiting leprechaun? Ok. Bad idea...

What I'll Do To Get Some Sun....

Alex, Hayden and I leave for Florida in less than two weeks and I. Am. Terrified. Seriously...ok, maybe terrified is an over-exaggeration, but I'm more than a bit worried. Worried about the flights only. I can handle Florida!

Ok, in reality, I'm probably resigned to the drama that this trip could turn into. I know I'm going to be stressed, I know that getting down there will probably suck the life right out of me and age me 15 years. But at least I know that, right? At least I expect it and am already anticipating it, right?

I should be old hat at all of this by now. Alex has traveled to Australia four times now, and Hayden one time. Alex has flown to Florida two times as well. But-I had back-up. I had my husband. Two people, four arms! Four eyes, twenty fingers. And no matter that the trip to Australia is a gazillion times longer than the trip to Florida-having that extra person makes things easier! I would totally be less stressed about going to Australia with two adults and two kids, than I am about going to Florida with one adult and two kids!

Alex is great...Alex knows the drill and listens reasonably well most times. Hayden. Oh Hayden. She is a different case altogether. She's mobile now. She wants to crawl and pull up and get into anything and everything she sees. She DOES NOT want to be still and sitting primly on my lap. And when Hayden starts getting mischievous-that's always when Alex wants or *needs* something. And home girl is like a broken record: "Mommy, can I get some juice...Mommy, can I get some juice...Mommy, I want juice...Mommy, I neeeeeeeed some juice-y PUHLEASE". So yeah...that happens in the middle of Hayden wailing about the injustice of not being able to eat the side of the coffee table, etc.

So I'm anticipating stress. I'm anticipating chaos. I'm anticipating that there WILL be meltdowns-especially as pay-back for our virtually melt-down free trip to Oz. I've emotionally resigned myself to this. There will be no sneaking in quick chapters of my book. There will be no five minute cat nap. There will just be preemptive planning to counter emotional outbursts BEFORE they begin!

Wish me luck, folks. This is new territory for me, having never flown with kids without the hubs. This indicates how desperate I am to get out of the snow and cold for a week! I'll deal with the flights...I'll deal with dirty looks...just let me see the sun for seven days straight!

On the upside...Dan is flying down later in the week so I don't need to do the flight back alone!

*sigh* I wish where we lived offered direct flights to Fort Myers...that would take away a big part of the worry...making the connecting flight...scurrying children through airports...oy.

Birthday Parties....Then and Now...

Do you remember your childhood birthday parties? Because I do. Probably not individual parties, but a miss-mash of years of eating cake and opening presents and popping balloons. Some memories, of course, really stick out-while others are vague and blend into my whole "kid birthday party" schema. I did have a great time at those parties though...I know that!

My sister and I were riding back to my house after going out to breakfast with the kids (breakfast is basically the only meal that Alex will willingly participate in...but that's for another post). I mentioned that I had started to plan for Hayden's first birthday which, incidentally, won't be until May. So I guess here is the first difference between birthday parties then and birthday parties now. I'm pretty sure that my mom didn't plan our parties two months in advance. She knew who she was inviting, she knew a general idea of "when" ("where" was a given...at our house...duh) and did not use invites-but would call up the whole family and give them the "when" and "what time".

Anyway...I told my sister that we were doing a Pink Sock Monkey theme and what caterer I was going to use (in my defense...the first birthday party is always one of the largest and do I really want to miss it because I'm cooking???). She kind of just looked at me and said, "What's with all the themed parties these days? We never had any themed parties". Sister is single and has no kids. I should have started out with that.

But, it got us thinking and reminiscing.  There WERE no themed parties. Even kid parties lacked a theme. OK, maybe the theme was "balloons"...because that's what decorated our plates and napkins. So when did themes become a big thing? Our cakes was usually half a sheet cake with pink or purple or yellow flowers providing a decorative border. Or maybe, maybe we had a Carvel ice cream cake with those chocolate crunchy bits in the center (which was really the best part).

Things I remember from my kid parties: No themed cakes, balloons, plain plastic-ware, ziti (because there was always baked ziti at our kid parties), Jello mold, chef salad, bowls of the original cheese Doritos, because there were no other flavors, wrapped presents-because gift bags weren't really around, or I don't remember them being a thing, Pin the Tail on the Donkey (cliched, but we really did this), having a peanut hunt when weather permitted, having a pool party because my birthday is in summer (note-pool parties are still more than "acceptable" these days still), water balloon fights, playing tag outside, playing "Ghost Busters" outside, getting my first Cabbage Patch doll-which was TOTALLY 'da bomb. Barbies Barbies Barbies (none of the skankier/trendier big headed dolls)! Adults hung out with adults and drank and smoked cigarettes IN THE HOUSE, which my mother would NEVER allow these days (my parents never smoked, just the aunts/uncles), and there was always plenty of beer/wine for the aunts/uncles/older cousins/grandparents. Kids hung out with kids. No one hovered over us. We were given food, given cake and ice cream, but generally were expected to amuse ourselves with various toys laying around (or the aforementioned activities). There was, once in awhile, a pinata.

Man. Those were great days! We had fun. We had a blast! I still love revisiting those memories-and they were awesome parties...no frills...just enjoying each others company. Of course, then the first gen Nintendo came out and that led parties to get a little crazy. Duck Hunt while high on Pixie Sticks-yes m'am!

These days, parties are different. The kids still have a ton of fun. Hopefully, my kids will be able to reminisce about their parties when they are my age. BUT-things have definitely been taken up a notch.

In my social circle...almost everyone has their kid parties OUT (except for maybe the first birthday). With Alex, we tend to do two parties...one for just the family at our house and then the other for her friends/our friends with kids.

Parties now are at a bounce houses, Build-A-Bear, My Gym, various activity centers, Chuck E Cheese, Dave & Busters, a gymnastics center, ice skating rink, miniature golf...shall I go on? Because I could. And if you have them at home, you are usually expected to have various activities on hand, no letting the kids fend for themselves...there's bounce houses to rent, face-painters to hire, food to order/have catered. And I'm not saying that this is **necessarily** a bad thing. Well, the expectation part is...

And I'm not being snarky. I'm "guilty" of doing all of this. For Hayden's first birthday-we are totally theme-ing it out! My whole house will be pink sock monkey. She may even be in a pink sock monkey tutu (note...birthday outfits are also a "relatively" new thing...along with the popularity of tutus). When I was a kid-I wore my sister's hand-me-down dress with big sleeves and possible shoulder pads. So whatever.

I think, many times, parents do all of the above for the fun of it, and/or for the convenience. It's FUN (for us) to get the kids dressed up, to deck the house out in crazy decorations, to thrill them with a cake with their favorite character. Especially the first birthday-that one is for us moms! It's also damn convenient to have a birthday out. No cleaning the house, no slaving over food, no picking up after the party...and everyone has fun. So if those are our reasons....good on us! Things change, times change, traditions and practices change...that's life.

But I wonder if we also have gone above and beyond because children have gone to so many bounce house parties that they expect it? They expect to go out? Expect to be entertained? They aren't expected to entertain themselves and to simply be left ALONE to play with random toys? Kids need to be stimulated...but these also need to learn that they aren't going to always be entertained by someone/something else...they need to do their own thing sometimes (thus why I resist getting Alex involved in TOO many activities).

So I hope this isn't the reason why "place" parties have begun to become so popular. I hope it's simply because it's fun and convenient, but not expected. Because when stuff becomes expected, that's when the problems start....

In Honor Of My Little Snow Pea....

...I just bought this onesie today:





                                                
I plan to proudly put my little monkey in this this summer!

FYI: Cafe Press has awesome Infertility onesies...you know, for when you kick infertility's ass!

I'm proud of all Hayden's been through to get here! She's a fighter! She's tenacious!

And funny thing is-her personality is still that way. She is going to be my handful, my strong willed, wild on-the-go child. She's was (is) a fighter from (virtually) the very beginning! Heck-even in utero she was always bouncing, kicking, moving...ready to take the world by storm!

And what's not to celebrate about that?

Parenting After Infertility...

The thing about infertility is that parenting after is sometimes just weird...a weird flood of emotions... guilt. Guilt over the people (ones you know and others you do not) that are still fighting, still awaiting that one (one more) miracle baby.

My God. I was in that boat. I was in it for awhile, but not nearly as long as many women. I was lucky really, though it didn't feel that way at the time. Damn...I was lucky.

So I feel guilt, maybe a variation of survivor's guilt? But at the same time-I am so very grateful that I am no longer in that boat. I'm so happy that I'm no longer on the "mommy sidelines", which is how I felt for so long. I'm thrilled to be part of the "club" (another left over feeling). And I feel guilty about feeling happy, though I know that is just stupid. Of course I'm happy! Of course I'm ecstatic that I have my two girls. It would be far worse if I took it for granted.

But here's the thing...sometimes I do. And I hate it. I truly do. And I feel guilty about taking it for granted. I swore up and down that I would never take my hard-fought for kids for granted. I would never grumble in the night when I had to wake up, I would never complain about how my toddler doesn't like to listen the first (or second or third) time something is said. I would NEVER complain about being tired or sick or frazzled or having a messy house, stained clothes. The fact of the matter is, when Alex was first born, I LOVED the mess that came with a baby. I would sit and stare at baby bottles in the fridge. I was in awe that MY fridge now housed baby bottles! I loved the toys scattered around the living room, the clutter...the lived in (ultra lived in) look of the place.

My children are the two great miracles of my life. I would do anything for them, anything at all. Yes-I'd give my life for them in a heartbeat. They are my heartbeat. But...I still take them for granted more often than I feel I should. I complain about the mess, about the food on the floor, about never having time for myself, about being asked to play Frozen 79453 times a day, of being woken up, of being extended so thinly that I feel like I'm never doing everything up to the standards that I used to aspire to, that I used to envision.

And the guilt I feel over this is sometimes crushing, sometimes shaming. I, like so many infertile women, bartered with God. I prayed and asked and tried to make deals with him/her. And I vowed to never, ever take things for granted.

But I have, and I hate it. And I'm ashamed of it and know that there will be some infertile woman reading this passage who wants to kick my teeth in.

To her...I'm so sorry....but I had to get this off my chest.

I would never go back to how things were before children, never ever ever. What I have gained is nothing short of spectacular. It has changed who I am, who my husband is, our relationship and our identities. No, I would never go back. The thought of anything ever happening to my children is enough to make me break out in hives and feel faint (we can talk about the post-infertility paranoia/hover parenting/superstitions in another post). I love them more than anything...

So maybe this is a blessing stemming from my infertility...my constant reappraisal of where I am, mentally? My battle with taking things for granted is strong and present and persistent because I know what it is like to be without something I so desperately needed. So maybe this isn't such a bad thing, after all? It forces me to think, to put things in perspective and mentally puts me back to where I came from 4+ years ago. And I don't want to forget that journey. It still hurts to revisit those feelings. It still makes me envious of "fertile women". I still causes my gut to clench. And so feeling those feelings again, maybe that will remind me to continue to do battle with the tendency to take things for granted. Because it will be a battle I'm always fighting. And sometimes I will win, and sometimes I won't-especially if I'm tired (I tend to get weepy). But I know this and a certain part of me has to be ok with the actual battle-because I am only human, after all. And at least I'm fighting the battle.

So on that note-I pray that God continue to protect our family of four....

Frozen/Gymnastics party...Check!

Last Sunday was Alex's Frozen themed/gymnastics party! I'd say that it was a great success. We had 15 kids there plus parents (our friends). All the kids had fun tumbling/doing obstacle courses and we had all sorts of snacks and OF COURSE a Frozen cake/ice cream.

I am no longer **that** bitter at Amazon for price gouging the heck out of my wallet for paper Frozen products. The kid got her Frozen party. And she was stoked. So who cares if I paid 12 bucks for 8 paper plates? Who cares if I paid 10 bucks for an Olaf balloon??? OK-but just to state-that balloon was/is HUGE and still flying proudly in our family room.