It's Officially...

...The camp season!!! That's right. Camp is officially open, as of Memorial Weekend. Camp being my parents' summer house on the river. Calling it a camp is a little misleading. I'm not much of a camper. I like the modern amenities.

Anyway, Dan, Alexandra and I had a wonderful time. The weather was dicey but, in general, it stayed dry. We didn't get in the jet ski or the boat this weekend, but we did get to visit with cousins and friends and generally relaxed. Last time we were at camp was early September. It's so crazy to see Alex now actually knowing what is going on and investigating and being a part of it all. She was way too young (and immobile) to do that last year. Just another moment that makes me stop and realize how fast things change <3

And on to better news....18 more days of work until I have off until September!!!!! So excited to be with Alex this summer :)

Some pics of Memorial Day Weekend up at camp

 Chilling on the deck...Alex loved this dog!

 This may be one of my favorite pictures ever. Alex "telling the dog off"

 A beautiful day on the river

 Alex exploring...that's camp in back of her

 I like this picture...Alex was a little annoyed that she had to hold daddy's hand on the dock

5/30/2011

And now a comparison from the same time last year

Lol...barely looks like the same kid. She was about 4 1/2 months here

It's so crazy how much things change! In one year, Alex went from a infant who couldn't yet sit up unsupported, so a mischievous, babbling, running child! Cliches are cliches for a reason: because they are true. And saying that children grow up so fast is the biggest cliche ever. But it might also be the biggest truth. 

Two Years Ago...

Exactly two years ago, May 26, 2009, I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had already considered the cycle a failure. I convinced myself that the cycle was a bust in the way that only infertiles can do before the cycle is well from being over.

I was thrilled to see that positive home pregnancy test. But I was also scared and took the news with some reserve. I wanted to have that innocence that I used to have. I wanted to think that pregnancy was a sure way to a baby. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to celebrate the pregnancy and the life inside me for *however* long it existed. I knew that holding the joy at bay would not make it hurt any less if I were to lose the baby. So I bought "What to Expect When Expecting" and told the people closest to me. I celebrated. I let myself hope. I let myself dream. And I wore a St. Gerard medal around my neck from that point on for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Alexandra Eva is now 16 months old and, in my eyes, perfect. That pregnancy, that time, still seems surreal to me. It's hard to imagine something so awesome happening. But it does. Keep the hope <3

 Enjoying her popsicle

PCOS, I am getting awful sick of your antics

Seriously. At least if my cycles are going to stay irregular, why can't they consistently stay irregular? Because I have to say, having a 45 day cycle, a perfect 28 day cycle (tease), a 21 day cycle, 19 day cycle and 15 day cycle is wearing a bit thin.

Not that it was great before having Alex, when I'd go 60+ days without having a period, but at least I could count on generally knowing my pattern. My pattern, of course, being not having a period for a long ass time. But hey, that was normal for me Now I'm all messed up.

I had hoped that, after having Alexandra, some miracle would occur and my body would have straightened itself out. I knew it was pretty much a pipe dream...but I think that this is something all pcos'ers secretly hope for. I had some hope for awhile. After all, I've had way more periods in the last 13 months that I have had in the last 3 years! So I had reason to hope. But this every other week thing is getting a little excessive.

And the other reason to be annoyed with pcos: I have the day off today. It's a snow day give back. It's beautiful outside...hot and sunny. Alex and I spent most of the morning playing in her sand/water box. BUT...now because my cycles are all wacky, I have to go into the GYN this afternoon. Because, while wacky cycles are normal for women with pcos, it is not normal for me to have such short periods. Ugh. I hate using a vacation day in the doctor's office. I'll probably get reacquainted with the trans vaginal ultrasound wand as well. Icing on the cake.

So all in all I am annoyed. I thought about canceling the appointment because my cycle seems to be getting longer again, but then I got paranoid about canceling and convinced myself that if I didn't go, then something would be wrong. So, alas, I am going in.

Keep your fingers crossed that there is nothing *new* wrong in there....

Day In The Life...

This is my "Day in the Life" post for my JM "Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance" board (for those not from JM). We basically have to take pictures of our daily routines. It's fun-it appeases the "voyeur" in me ;) I like to get a glimpse into everyone else's life. Anyway, this week it's my week. And since I don't know how to post pics to JM unless they are posted on here...here is my DITL...

 My day started at nearly 9am! Alex woke up about 7:15, but Dan got up with her since I get up early all week

 Time for a quick shower...have to clean the toys out after last night's bath

 I get out, throw on some clothes and make the bed/do a quick clean up

 Go to Alex's room to find her something to wear

 Time to let the dogs out!

 Alex trying to let the dogs back in again

 She's in a great mood this morning

 Alex and Dan already ate, so I made myself some pancakes and had a diet coke-my caffeine fix

 Then onto some dishes

 Alex was being awfully quiet, so I went to see what she was up to...pulling out all of the shoes from the shoe mat

 Then we go back upstairs to get Alex changed..and to dry my hair

 More or less ready to go

 We get in the car...try to get our errands done in the morning before the sun comes out

 Not bad...out of the house by 11 on a Saturday. That's unusual for us!

 Driving down the road

 First stop: Target. Need to get some diapers and odds and ends

Alex is not impressed with the shoe selection

 Second stop: Dunkin Donuts for the *real* caffeine

 Then we drive around a little bit aimlessly because Alex fell asleep and I don't want to wake her quite yet

 Third stop: Old Navy to make returns

 At the mall, we grabbed some lunch and went to the play place

 Alex loves this grizzly bear

 Finally back home again. It's hot and sunny now so Dan blows up Alex's pool and she get changed into her swim suit

 She's ready to go!

 Checking out her crab pool with built in sprinkler

 Spent a few hours outside...played in the pool, in the sprinkler and with her sand/water table. Now back inside and changed

 Time for me to get to some chores...putting away the morning purchases

 While I'm working, I put on some TV for Alex

 I decide to clean up the house because, as you can see, it's a bit of a mess

 Check the mail...nothing good

 Alex and I read together for awhile and then it's dinner time for her

My poor husband-slaving away in the bathroom all day to fix a few things

After that, Alex and I watched Dora and Diego, read a few books and she had her last cup of milk. She went to bed at 8 and here I am now working on this ;) Dan is still working on the bathroom so we haven't had dinner yet. I'm starving!

Decisions Made, Updates and an Eye Injury...

Will this is a bit of an "everything" post! So I think Dan and I have made the decision to begin fertility treatments in September. I know...it seems so far away! We had originally planned to go back in March, but that didn't work out for a few reasons. Then we decided on June. And well, June just does not really make a lot of sense. If we went back in June, I would only get one cycle in (tops) before we leave for Australia in July. I'm kind of feeling like, "what's the point"? If the cycle didn't work, we could not start again until September anyway. If it did, that would be awesome...but I would be in that critical first trimester during our time in Australia. Do I really want to be so far away from home/doctors if anything were to go wrong??? So I'm kinda sad, but kind of not really. I am excited to go to Australia and to just enjoy our time there-and not have to worry about anything. And then when we come back to the states at the end of August, we can seriously begin. And start full on-not having to take any breaks...unless I have some of those pain in the ass cysts. I feel good about this plan. I really do. Plus, I get another summer to just enjoy Alex on her own...and she's at such a fun age right now....

Updates...not on me-on my fellow infertiles. My cousin is expecting boy/girl twins in July. I think she is around 32 weeks now. This is especially exciting because she suffers from PCOS and her husband has severe MFI. Their only hope was IVF and they conceived on their first cycle. Everything is going great (knock on wood) and I am actually going to her baby shower on Sunday. I think that they have decided on the names Colton (boy) and Reagan (girl). Keeping my fingers crossed that those babies keep baking for as long as possible!

Update #2: Dan's sister, Veronica, is expecting a baby boy. She is around 29 weeks pregnant and due in the beginning of August. Veronica had "The Triad": PCOS, *severe* stage 4 endometriosis, and her husband has MFI.  Talk about unlucky. They had done about 5 or 6 rounds of IVF and had never seen a positive. I can't imagine how disheartening that would be. Most would give up, but not Veronica. Despite all the odds, she kept going. The cycle they got pregnant on, they stimmed for another round of IVF. However, stimming did not go well and Veronica only produced one follicle. They canceled the round and decided to try the "old fashioned" way (despite their doctor telling them that there was no chance). Well, here she is, almost into her last 10 weeks and doing great! I love her story. She and her husband faced so much but look at them now. I hope that this story gives everyone hope! We'll be seeing them this summer when we go back to Australia. I can't wait to help out and to hold a newborn again!

And as for me...I'm typing this whole post with a bum eye. It's red and inflamed and crusty. Yeah, it's gross. Why do I have a nasty, crusty eye? That would be courtesy of my daughter. Alex and I were outside this afternoon blowing bubbles. She was so stinking cute (good thing...can't get mad) and kept dipping the stick into the bubbles, taking it out and holding it up to me to blow. Well, one time she got a little over-enthusiastic and shoved it into my eye. So I probably have a mixture of scratched cornea and irritation from the bubble liquid. Awesome. Oh well. Other than that mishap, it was a fun afternoon. Hopefully I wake up with a functional eye tomorrow. Or at least, a less oozing eye.

The In-Between

Today was probably my hardest day, in terms of feeling down about my "infertile" status, since Alexandra was born. Today, I found out that my friend from work is pregnant with her second child. Her first child is about three months younger than Alex. That was the big blow. So yeah, I kind of am feeling that competitive thing. Like-my kid is older...I should be first to get pregnant again!

It's funny how things are so different, yet so similar this second time around. Before we had Alex, I would always compare myself to other women: "They've been married half the time we have and they are on to baby #3" or "Little Tony is a honeymoon baby". So things have changed, but maybe not as much as I originally had thought.

What's more frustrating is that I am stuck in "waiting" mode...or the "in-between" as I view it. I feel like I am waiting on so many different things at the moment: waiting on summer vacation so I can be with my family full time, waiting to go back to our fertility clinic, waiting to possibly sell our house and buy another house, waiting to complete our family etc., etc. So yes, waiting is hard...but I try to remind myself that I am lucky that I have so many great things to wait for.

But...I'm not good at waiting. I'm impatient. I like action. I like plans. I hate feeling like I'm not doing anything. I hate feeling like things are on hold. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. And I hate being afraid of what might not happen. I just have to try to keep everything in perspective. We have our child. As long as she is happy, safe and healthy...that's all that really matters. We'll figure things out beyond that. But its gotta be cathartic to throw myself a pity party once in awhile, right?  ;)

 Love this picture. Alex looks like she's had a long day of mowing the grass and she's had enough! Drink in hand and everything!

Is This Bad?

So is it messed up that I am trying to get my child to watch TV? Like, I'm making a concerted effort. Ok, so it's not how it sounds. We've only begun turning Nick Jr., on within the last two months. Basically, she gets to watch an hour before bed. It's a nice routine, really. Me, Alex, Dora, Diego and her sippy cup of milk...snuggling on the couch...trying to convince her that she's tired.

Ok, and I will admit it. It would be nice if she liked TV enough to watch it long enough so I could sip a cup of coffee in the morning and wake up before being summoned to the floor for Mega Blok play time. But I am a big believer in everything in moderation...including TV. The thing is, she likes TV, but she's not enthralled with it. It does not typically hold her attention for longer than five minutes. Except the Fresh Beat Band. They make me want to drink. They make her go into dancing, gyrating, booty shaking madness. Yeah....she can watch them for awhile.

The reason for this post??? Alex is in what I consider training. For our trip back to Australia this July. Yes, I'm hoping that she likes TV enough by that point that she can focus and enjoy it for an extended period of time. It goes against my nature to say it but...if she could sit and watch TV and be perfectly happy on the flight for hours, I would be over the moon thrilled. We'll be in survival mood. We'll be implementing a lot of preemptive strategies to keep tantrums at bay. Hell, I may pretty much give into her every whim, if it means a fairly tantrum free trip. Yes. I am a school psychologist. Yes, I know how bad this is. But really...22 hours *in the air* (not counting layovers) calls for a change of rules.

Yes. That's right. 22 hours. No typos there. We have to go from the East Coast to LA (6 or 7 hours), LA to Brisbane (14-16 hours, non stop) and Brisbane to Rockhampton (1 hour). Ugh. Oh, and a 45 minute drive from Rockie to Yeppoon. All that, plus hours in each airport, and with a then 18 month old. Alex is a great kid but, seriously. How much can I expect a toddler to handle before she cracks?

So we are in TV watching training. I am hoping that a portable DVD player with be our saving grace. I now find it laughable that I was so worried about her last year. I thought, "How can I take a 6 month old on such a long trip"? It was a piece of cake. Because, you know, back then she slept and couldn't run away from us. Thankfully, Qantas flights offer complementary drinks. Mama's saving grace.

 On Mother's Day...three generations

 Sprinkler fun!

 We didn't plan to use the sprinkler, as you can tell from the drenched outfit

 Soaked, dirty...and pretending to eat sand