Sunday, March 4, 2012


 WARNING: Ramble alert!

So Dan and I were watching a TV show. In it, someone said, "Happiness is not a destination". Well, damn. That resonated with me. I am typically pretty happy (when I'm not injecting an obscene amount of hormones into my blood stream). I feel fortunate to have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter and a healthy family. I try not to take any of it for granted. I have everything I *need* right now. And that's something....that's huge.

BUT...I am guilty of certain ways of thinking, fertility-wise, such as "Everything will be perfect if we can have another baby" or "Our family will be complete with another baby" or "I will never have to think of infertility again with another baby-which would make life fantastic".  I'm guilty of engaging in "all or nothing" thinking, something I caution the kids I counsel against. Nothing is magically going to make life perfect.

But happiness is not a destination. I need to *try* to remember this. Life is pretty damn good now, even with our troubles. I can find a zillion things to be happy about and thankful for. Happiness is not an end result, it is a way of living, a way of thinking. It is something that I might sometimes need to work on, being happy. It might not always come easily-but I need to stop waiting for something, for an event (a baby), to complete my happiness. Especially when I have been blessed with so much.

Would we love another baby? Well, duh. Will we try over and over again for another? Most likely-with a few mental health breaks thrown in. Will it be sad or crushing if it doesn't happen? Yeah. Yeah, it will. I'm sure I will continue to cry and rage at the unfairness of it all. I'm sure I will be grumpy and sad. But I'm going to try my hardest to remember that we are happy. That our life is so rich and full and packed with people we love and who love us. But I'm going to try to remember that happiness takes work. It doesn't magically happen. It is a state-a way of being. A choice that is made each day, in many cases.

I need to work on not thinking of our little family as "incomplete". Our family is not incomplete. It might be in transition (I hope so), but not incomplete. Our family may never get to have the typical two kids, but that doesn't make it incomplete either. What makes it incomplete is the thought, the sentiment, that it is incomplete. It is what it is. Dan and I have been blessed with each other. We've been *super* blessed with our daughter. How can I think of this as incomplete? But, it's a work in progress, eradicating this thought.

Since my transfer, I have felt pretty at peace with this cycle working or not. I don't know why. It's not that I think that this cycle will work or not work. I have no clue. But I think I'll feel ok it it doesn't. I'm sure that this has to do with it being our first medically assisted cycle (not naive here, lol).  I gave this cycle a fighting chance. We tried our hardest. So maybe it won't work now, but maybe it will work in a few months? Maybe the child we are supposed to have is waiting for us, but not ready quite yet. I don't know. It's all up in the air. And maybe nothing will work. And that will suck. But thank you God for the healthy little family I have now. I am a mother. That is what I wanted. And through the grief, I will work on being happy for what I was given. We'll be ok. Either way. This I know.

P.S. Let me reiterate that this does not mean I won't succumb to bitchiness and hormonal breakdowns during treatments! This is a goal, all of it...a goal for the way of "being". Not achieved yet, but in progress...


  1. Hi Amanda! I really enjoy reading your posts,, and I can relate to your feelings in so many ways! Although we do not have any children of our own, I have to appreciate the life of health and happiness I enjoy with my husband every day. I teach grade one, and I hear from my family that that's the closest second to motherhood that anyone could ever want! While that maybe true in many ways, we should not feel "guilty" about wanting more. We are good people, who have so much love to give; that us not selfish to want have another baby for you, your daughter and your husband to love! This is a beautiful, unselfish and amazing thing to hope for. It's funny that you mention doing an early pregnancy test... My first fresh transfer I already knew (AF came early), so I on the day of my blood test I went in a very heavy heart. Still don't know if I will be able to hold out ! How are you feeling?? I am so excited that I feel like bursting ( could also be all the progesterone I've been pumped with, who knows?!) here's to the joy and excitement that comes with this week; being so hopeful... My test is on march 12, how about you??

  2. Oh dear, I'm noticing all my mistakes now, sorry about therm! I'm responding on my new iPhone, and I'm still learning to type!!! Yikes! =) elizabeth

  3. LOL...I hate typing on my iPhone ;)

    My Beta is also March 12!!! Will you find out that day? I hope we both get some news to celebrate-with some sparkling grape juice, of course! I *know* that I will test early though...I always do. I'm a POAS-aholic, lol. Actually, truth to be told, I took a test today (cheapie from dollar store) to see if the trigger shot was gone. Not yet-still a *very* faint line. I will probably test again at 10 dpo (this was when I got my first positive test with Alex), even though it very well may be too early.

    It is very exciting...but a little bit scary that so much hangs on one little test!

    Here's to good vibes for both of us!!! Please keep me updated! Today is the first day I have felt good since my egg retrieval. All the hormones were making me feel pretty sick and tired-so just feeling better is something for me to celebrate!

    Enjoy those first graders! I'm a school psychologist in two K-4 grade elementary schools-so I know how fun it can be! As well as challenging....;)