Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Limbo. Sucks.

I've had some cramping today. Very mild, dull. Not sharp or piercing. Very easy to ignore...if it weren't for the fact that I notice any tiny twinge in my abdomen times 10000+.

Cramps. Well-not even cramps really. A dull ache. A minor, slight, dull ache. Oh cramps...How I have such a love/hate relationship with you-ESPECIALLY in the 2ww.

Could it be implantation? Could it be my period coming early (I am known for having a nasty luteal phase defect-thanks, PCOS, thanks a lot)? Could it be an indicator of nothing at all? Gah! Depending on the moment, I am convinced of all three scenarios. Until I'm not...about 3 seconds later.

It's interesting how one little "symptom" could be foreshadowing something amazingly spectacular...or have the potential to be this cycle's "beginning of the end".

To get myself out of my worried, second guessing, apprehensive mode...I've been listing the good things that would come from me not getting pregnant this cycle.

The list mostly involves consuming large quantities of tropical drinks when we are on vacation. Whatever, I'm not beneath that. And my sister-in-law is specifically looking at resorts with swim up bars. Which is like my vacation dream come true. And baths. I love hot, HOT, nearly scalding baths. And brie. I love me some brie. And Zumba...I can get back to Zumba and Hit Fit classes. And maybe lose some more weight (I'm down 18lbs!).  And I don't need to worry about being pregnant this summer in Australia-so far from home. And cold cuts! Yes-please pass me that "Danny's Favorite" sub.

So all is not lost if this cycle doesn't work. Right?! Right?!

But damn...I don't want to go through IVF again. I will. Of course I will. I just *don't want* to. But who does, I guess?

So I'm trying to convince myself that I am ok with a negative test. And I know I will be, after a day or two. Pick yourself up and move on, right? But man-I'm both dreading and dying to take a test. How is it that three weeks of appointments and blood draws and procedures and ultrasounds...how is it that the culmination of all that work and effort and mental exhaustion...the culmination of all of that is a two second test that you pee on? All that time and angst, and you have your results within 30 seconds. Not quite sure how I feel about that....

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