Lately I have been feeling a little bit guilty when I think about having another child. I've mostly worked through my guilt over wanting another baby when I had originally prayed to "Just have one healthy child". Now my guilt is about adding another baby to the family. Right now, Alexandra is the center of everything. She gets all the attention. I *know* that giving her a sibling would be an absolute gift-despite the various fights and arguments that will inevitably arise. I also think that it would be good for her to have a sibling as far as learning life lessons (to share, to compromise, etc.)...and I also want her to have a "life partner" of sorts. Someone she can travel through life with and be best friends with. And lets face it, Alex can't stay the absolute focus of everyone's attention for her whole life. That isn't healthy either.
So yes, I know all of these things. I, in my heart, feel that our family is not complete yet. But when I think about bringing a new baby home, my heart hurts a little bit for Alex because I know she will feel confused and will not understand why mom can't attend to her every need. So yeah-these feelings are a BIG surprise. I think the fact that we are getting so close to going back to our RE is bringing some of this up. The prospect of having another baby is thrilling, but a little bit scary too. I know that I really shouldn't be getting ahead of myself-since actually *getting* pregnant is not a sure thing for us. But still...I just wonder how it will be?
Trying out her Hot Wheels for the first time!
She's a big fan!
My sister's new puppy, Nico
Having some of the family over for dinner
An oldie: one of my best friends and I. I was looking through old pictures and came across this. She was a rock when I was going through fertility treatments.
Honestly, THIS is the post I was looking for. I know this may seem silly since this was obviously a long time ago for you. But this is pretty much where I'm at now. Whenever I get teary eyed I seem to punish myself. How dare I feel sad or bitter when I was lucky and some people may never have that chance like I did.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't help that my DH (although he tries to understand) doesn't get how much it hurts. We both agree that if we can't have a second we will be content. And we've given ourselves a limit to how long we'll try. But the idea, in the meantime, that this just isn't happening...is heartwrenching at times and then leaves me laden with guilt. So, thank you for sharing your experience because it is nice to know that I'm not the only one. <3
Glad I could help! It's always so much less lonely knowing that you aren't the only one going through the same things/experiencing the same feelings. I hope you get that second chance VERY soon <3
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