My Little Underdog....

He's still holding on. Beta was a 49.5 on Wednesday and was a 110 today. So I believe that makes the doubling time 41 hours now.

Man. I have such mixed emotions. Grateful that he's still hanging in there. Proud of him. But worried about becoming used to the idea of this pregnancy. Worried about becoming attached. I'm feeling it start to happen; it's understandably harder to stay detached as time goes by.

So I'm still on for my first obstetrical u/s on Wednesday. I'm really not sure what they think they'll see, given that my levels will probably not be anywhere near where they need to be in order to see anything. And of course, that's just another big mind feck--going for an u/s and not seeing anything. I guess I'll just have to mentally prepare myself for that.

I'm still really worried about an ectopic. Although, from what I have read, levels generally tend to start off higher, but fail to double adequately. I hope this is the case. I don't need a bum tube on top of PCOS riddled ovaries.

On a different topic (yep--I can actually talk about OTHER things. Amazing, right?), we are going up to camp tonight for the long Labor Day weekend. It's usually a pretty busy weekend and there should be a lot of people around...which makes for a lively time. Of course this weekend also means that the summer is over--and I have to go back to work on Tuesday :( Will it ever get easier to go back to work after being home all summer with Alex???

Beta #2

To my great surprise, my hcg levels have risen. They went from a 25.5 on Monday to a 49.5 on Wednesday. So-they have basically doubled in 48 hours. Well, technically speaking, the doubling time is something like 49 hours--but I think that's just splitting hairs, don't you?

How am I feeling? You may be surprised to hear--I'm feeling disappointed. I know that makes me seem ungrateful and all, but I was hoping for either a super big surge in numbers--or nothing, a decrease even. All or nothing. What these numbers mean is that I am still in the dreaded limbo. Yes, they doubled. But they are still super low. It actually has me worrying about it being ectopic. Realistically, odds are still not in my favor for a viable pregnancy. But--I'm also strangely proud of my little fair grade embryo. He's holding on!

It also doesn't help that all the nurses at my clinic are on different pages. The nurse who drew my blood yesterday cautioned me that my first beta was pretty low--and that while it wasn't a "low positive"--it was bare minimum for what they want to see. I appreciated her candor. I like to know where I stand.

But then the nurse who called that afternoon with my updates, she sounded so cheerful about a doubling, albeit low, beta. She seemed to think it was all good and didn't even want to schedule me for a third beta. I pushed for one anyway and scheduled it for tomorrow. She even already scheduled me for my first obstetrical ultrasound for next Wednesday. Which has me even more confused because all us infertiles who have scoured the web about all things pregnancy related know that you can't see anything on ultrasound until beta levels reach 1000-1500. Even if my rates keep doubling, they would be around 800. So...I'm confused. Some nurses are happy, some are doom and gloom and others are in-between. Which is probably the most realistic place to be.

But you know what? At this point, I feel like I have to try to find my positive place. My little guy is fighting, he's hanging on. I feel like I at least owe it to him to really push for him....
 
So there you have my baby making drama! To get our minds off everything, we took Alex to the state fair yesterday--which was a lot of fun because now she's old enough to do stuff. We played games, she "won" some cheesy blue teddy bear and a big blow-up dolphin, gorged herself on ice-cream and found out she hates cotton candy. It was a good time. And being the good mama-to-be (for the moment anyway) I ate the prerequisite fried fair food and stayed away from wine slushies. 

 Hanging out with the boys at the zoo

 Getting some love from a calf at the state fair

 She won a dolphin and was SO proud!

 Loving the fishing game

Not So Good At This.

Yeah. So I'm not so good with this whole "no answer" thing. It's not even the waiting. I mean, it's not like super fun...but I can deal with it. It's the whole "loose strings" thing. It's the being in the "in between".

I'm excited for my second beta. Really, I am. Excited mostly to have some sort of answer. Either my numbers will have gone down, will have doubled (or more) or will have risen, but not adequately. Oh, I guess it could stay the same too. Either way, I should know if this could be a viable pregnancy after tomorrow. And then I can move on. Either way. No more loose strings. Right now, I'm in the middle of a whole knot of loose strings-positive FRER's that don't get any darker, positive digital tests, negative digital tests-bah!

I kind of feel like I've already grieved this shot at a viable pregnancy. Things just don't feel right to me and, subsequently, I've gone through the whirl-wind of emotions already. So I really think that I am Ok with whatever I find out tomorrow. Perhaps the numbers will be good and I can be guardedly excited. But there's a good chance they won't be. And I can lick my wounds and move on. Put it behind me. Go grab a wine slushy at the State Fair. Sit in my HOT jacuzzi at night. Eat a big fat turkey sub, possibly while eating some extra ripe brie at the same time. I love my soft cheeses. So I'll be ok.

 Moving on is always better than being stuck in limbo. Moving on is essential to getting you where you want to be. 

So I'm not even asking for people to send me sticky dust or prayers or good wishes. It is what it is. It's a good pregnancy or not. Just hoping for some answers-hopefully definitive ones.

And because I think she's super cute, here's some pictures of my little monkey:

 So serious!

Who doesn't go to a beach and camp out under a sign?

Pregnant....

At least according to my Clear Blue Easy digital test. You know, the brand that gave me two negatives a few days ago.

I even took a picture of the darn thing, I think just to prove to myself that the result really came up and actually happened.  I wanted to post the picture on here-but for right now, my camera is MIA (you can thank Hurricane Alex and her band of Little People couch dwellers for that).

So according to CBE, pregnant. CBE was as decisive as usual.

My blood test was not quite so decisive, however. My HCG came in at 25.5. My Progesterone came in at 10 point something.

To be quite honest, after that super light line yesterday, I was just expecting a completely negative blood test today. Anyway. According to these tests results, I'm pregnant, but just barely so. And once again, who EVER said that you couldn't be "just a little bit" pregnant? Because I think that myself and a zillion other women have proven that to be a silly statement.

I generally like my clinic. But sometimes I think they try too hard to be optimistic. And I just feel like they are blowing pixie dust up my arse. Just level with me. That's all I want. When the nurse gave me the results, I said "Man...that's kind of low for 15dpo isn't it?".

Nurse said "Oh, it's fine. Anything 25 and over is fine for right now".
Me: "Really? Because I have a feeling it's a chemical.
Nurse: "Oh no, the results are 'adequate'....especially for a frozen cycle".

And perhaps this is true. Perhaps frozen embryos are the slow underdogs of embryos. I dunno. But I do know what I have read on Google, and it's not making me think too highly of such a low level.

So the wait continues. Beta number 2 is Wednesday at 9:45.

14 DPO and Beta Tomorrow....

But I don't need the beta to tell me what I already know: that this is not going to be a good, healthy pregnancy. In fact, I'm pretty positive now that it is a chemical pregnancy. I tested today and the line was lighter than yesterday's, and possibly even lighter than the first line I ever got. So I'm not quite emotionally ready to call this cycle a failure yet (at least not until I get my beta results tomorrow), but in my heart I know that we will be moving on to a fresh IVF cycle next month.

How am I feeling? Good question. I don't know. Earlier in the day I was up at camp and so busy with Alex that I thought I was ok. I mean, I really was kind of expecting it--especially knowing the quality of my embryo. Now I just feel kind of defeated. A weary disappointment, a vague sadness. Not even enough to make me cry. It's a strange feeling. Hard to put my finger on the words to describe it. I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll feel better after a good sleep. I know myself, and I always feel weepy when I'm overtired.

You know what else is really weird? I kind of had this extra affinity for that embryo. I mean, he was the underdog. He was the one left over from my two "really good looking" embryo's. He was my scrappy, survivor. Heck-I decided he was a he. I kind of just feel bad that he won't grow into a baby, won't exist. I don't remember feeling that way for my other two embies. Maybe it's because this one survived long enough to implant, even though he wasn't looking so pretty to begin with. I don't know. The little guy was pretty tough though.

So there you have it. Birth control pills and ovary suppression here I come. Should be a barrel of laughs.

For Realz?

13 dpo today, or 8dp5dt. So what happened, you ask? Who the heck knows!? I'm still in a no-man's land of confusion, doubt and worry. Perhaps a little bit of hope and optimism in there too-though I wouldn't admit that in real life. In real life I'm a jaded, infertility bad-ass.

I took three-yes THREE tests yesterday because, quite simply, I did not believe the first test because it was so unbelievably light. Well, my second FRER test of the day was also positive. Quite impressive, I thought, as it wasn't with FMU (first morning urine) and I only held my pee for like 3 hours. Then at night, I got brave and took a Clear Blue Easy digital. And waited and waited and waited. Damn, those things take awhile. Three minutes, which feels like 30. And what do I see: "Not Pregnant". Damn you for being so DECISIVE, CBE!  So that put the kabbash on my night, kind of.  And then I puked. Puked all of my dinner up. WTH? Seriously? I did. It sucked. And while I know perfectly well that it is way too early for any type of "morning" sickness, a part of me checked off a little mental box in the back of my mind. I never puke. I never even puked with Alex. Coincidence, right? Must be. Way way too early. Ah, the mind games of infertility.

So I took two tests this morning, using the same container of pee for both. Yeah, cause why would I use one? I took that other evil digital and a FRER. The FRER came up positive still, and a bit darker than yesterday's. In fact, I was actually able to get a picture where you could see two lines-huzzah! The digi? Meh, damn thing came up "Not pregnant" again :( That bad boy certainly wasn't open to any interpretation. There was no seeing imaginary lines there. Just a stark, Not Pregnant.

So where do I stand? Who the heck knows? I guess this is what they mean by being "a little bit" pregnant.

I will say that I did not follow the directions on the digi this morning. I held the thing in the cup for only 10 seconds instead of the prescribed 20 seconds. Could this have made an actual difference? Would that much more HCG have soaked through that little wick? Darn it if I know. Any thoughts?

So I'm feeling that this will be a chemical pregnancy. Which completely and totally bums me out. But I'm trying to remind myself that if this pregnancy doesn't take off, it's probably because there is something grossly wrong with the embryo and that it's just nature's way....and that our perfect (for us) child is still waiting for us....

And now for another addition of: Only an Infertile :)

Only an infertile would go to Target and buy not one box of pregnancy tests, but two. Two different types. Really?! Because how many tests do you need to tell you that you're pregnant??? I deliberately went to a male cashier so I wouldn't get the raised eyebrow again. They don't know how that shit works anyway.

And now for a picture of this morning's FRER test. I spared you a shot of the "Not Pregnant" CBE. It's quite a bit darker "In real life" but it's the best I could do...

Mind F$ck

12dpo today, or 7dp5dt. Dh just got home from a four day business trip late the previous night. I went into the bathroom this morning to "freshen up" before getting....um...frisky. Well, I peed on a stick, not really expecting anything. I mean, I used it and then just kind of tossed the test onto the bathroom counter. Well, when I deigned to look at it, to my great surprise, there was a teeny tiny line. That kind of killed the mood. Just sayin'. Can you imagine how distractible I was after that?

But anyway. It was there. I didn't have to squint. I didn't have to hold it up to the light. I didn't have to take my magnifying glass out, didn't have to dismantle the test (I've seen so many women do this...but I just don't get why????). The best part??? Dan could see it too! I wasn't imagining this line. I wasn't conjuring it up. Because, believe me, that's happened before. It's amazing the things you can see on a blank pregnancy test.

It is definitely a pink line too. Not an evap. Came up within a minute or so...well within the time limit.

But it's super light. Like really really light. There probably has never been such a light line. I can't even get a good picture of it with my camera--although my cell phone did catch a decent pic of it. However, I do not know how to upload cell phone pics onto this blog.

So is this a mind fuck or what? Am I pregnant? Am I not? Will it be a chemical? Now the waiting begins. I had just come to terms with being "out of the game". So yeah, wasn't expecting this. I hope I'm not getting all jacked up for nothing.

Honestly, I don't have the greatest feeling about this, as my line with Alex appeared two days earlier and was darker....but every pregnancy is different. It also doesn't help that I know the quality of this embryo....

Anyway, I've been carrying the silly test around for like the last two hours. Studying it, holding it at different angles. Obsessing. Scouring the internet. And it comes down to the same thing: It's there, but light. No other information can be gleaned from this. I've gotta give this one up to the universe for now.

Well Shit Just Aint Fair

I should be used to it by now, right? I mean it has happened over and over and over again? Happens all the time. Women getting pregnant before me who began trying WAY after me. It's just an unfairness that I am going to have to reconcile, for my sanity and everyone else's in my life.

If you can't tell by the opening tone of this post, I've had a tough morning. Which can't be a good sign seeing as it is only 9:16. Anyway, pregnancy test numero dos was a big fat failure today, at 11 dpo/6dp5dt. Again, I know it's early. But c'mon...throw me a bone here. And it's not that early either. If it's a negative tomorrow, I'll be about 90% sure that I'm out. Bring on the birth control next cycle--gotta gear up for another month of hell a fresh cycle. At least the birth control might bring some of my PCOS symptoms to their knees. That's a happy thought. Fecking PCOS. I hate you.

Anyway--now back to what made my morning especially bad. Because, apparently a negative test wasn't enough. So when I was pregnant with Alex, I was understandably over the moon and wanted to share every tiny (often time boring to others) detail with people. So I joined a forum for women pregnant with Jan/Feb 2010 babies. I haven't been on that forum in several months but still keep up with them on FB. They are a great group of women, but almost all of them have gone on to have second or even third babies by now. This, of course, makes my life hard, lol. It brings me right back to where I was emotionally before having Alex...feeling left behind while my friends begin their families. It's a shitty feeling. Anyway, another woman has announced her pregnancy and while I'm happy for her-I'm sad for myself. Sad that my body doesn't work the "normal" way. Sad that I'll never have an "accident" or view a positive pregnancy test with unbridled joy. No....there will always be that shadow of worry looming, no matter how dark my second line.

So there you go. Thank God for having Alex. I got a little down yesterday. But then I had to pick her up from daycare and she was in the back seat chatting with all her stuffed animals and making them talk back to her and I couldn't help smile. She does make this process worlds easier.

Dang It.

This is the downside to having no self-control--a big ugly single line on a pregnancy test. Yep. Who would've thought? Take note of the sarcasm. 5dp5dt today (10 dpo)...the same day I found out I was pregnant with Alex. This time-nada. Not even a hint of an evap. Believe me, I know because I studied that piece of plastic for like 15 minutes. Yes, it's still early. But I'm irrational and hormonal and kind of tired and just not in the mood for disappointment. I said that last part to be kind of funny because who's ever really in the mood to entertain the thought of an IVF cycle not working? Dry humor here...it's all I've got today. 

I had a tiny bit more of that light pink discharge this morning, but I'm just not thinking that it's related to implantation. Probably related to all the suppositories that I have been sticking up "there". But we shall see. I need to get over this whole "day 10 is THE magic day" where any hpt will turn positive, just because that happened before.

Ah feck. I just really hoped to not have to go through the joys of another fresh cycle.

Here He Is :)

Alrighty then. Here's my little guy on the day of the FET. He's a hottie, right?

Wonder what he's doing? Wonder if he's doing anything?

So I'm 4dp5dt--equivalent to 9dpo. How do I feel? Meh. I don't know. I thought I was going to be really chill this cycle and not worry, since odds are not in our favor. But I feel myself getting attached to the idea of a miracle. And while miracles do happen all the time, it's kind of a lot to expect.

I've been having some "twinges" in my right ovary area. Of course, this makes me hope that a nice big fat corpus luteum is developing. I had ovary pain when I was preggo with Alex, and it was the corpus luteum. Of course, I'm analyzing every blessed thing that I am feeling. So it could really just be a thirty (something) year old's aches and pains. I also had a teensy weensy bit of pinkish discharge on the toilet paper this morning. Nothing since.

So what can that mean? The optimist crazy pee-on-a-sticker wants to think that it's a sign of implantation. Or or or...it could be my body sucking and my lining beginning the arduous process of shedding.

Or it could be nothing. Probably the most likely scenerio.

I will begin testing tomorrow, at 10dpo. I know I know...I'm setting myself up for disappointment and all that. But it's when I got a positive with Alex. And I suck at waiting. Instant gratification. No self discipline right here. Yeah, it's kind of a fatal flaw. It took every ounce of self control to not use one today, which really would be absurd. Not saying I haven't done it before...

Not "PC" But What the Hell....

So I stumbled across this song on the great big internets. It's tongue and cheek and just for fun, so don't get all mad at me and offended. I was pregnant once too. And probably kind of smug since I got pregnant on my first round of injections--and thought I was an infertility superstar. I think karma is biting me in the ass right now for my smugness. Anyway. Find this song on YouTube and play it when you're having a really angry, bitchy day. It will be cathartic.

But I do think they should change the name to "Pregnant Women are Smug...Unless You've Had a Baby Surgically Implanted...Then You're Just Scared That Shit Will Go Wrong". Too long, you think?

Pregnant Women are Smug--Garfunkel and Oates

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
Effing son of a gun
You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps
Now that you're pregnant

I can't count all the ways how
You speak in clichés now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or girl?
Kate: Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy
Riki: Really? 'Cause I don't feel that those two things are related. It's not like one or the other.
Kate: Oh, really, as long as it's healthy.

I can't wait to hear someone say
"Don't care if it's brain dead
Don't care if it's limbless
If it has a penis"

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
This zen world you're enjoying
Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or girl?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Riki: What you're gonna name it?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Riki: Who's the father?
Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don't really care
I was being polite
Since you have no life now
That you're pregnant

You say you're walking on air
You think that you're glowing
But you've been ho'ing
And now you're pregnant

You're just giving birth now
You're not Mother Earth now

Riki: Oh my gosh, I've got so much going on. I got my novel published, I moved, I got married.
Kate: Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
Riki: Well, I also helped end gang violence in Mexico when...
Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant. Everything else seems so meaningless.

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
Effing son of a gun
You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now
Now that you're pregnant

That Dang Dance

I'm 3dp5dt today.

Or...the equivalent to 8 dpo (days past the big "O"). No, I don't mean orgasm. Unfortunately, there was none of that-that went into making this particular baby.

So I'm on day eight. The good thing about a five day transfer is that you're already five days into the dreaded 2ww. Five days less of cycling through every possible emotion.

"I know it worked!"
"It must have worked!"
"Of course it worked, it was already practically a baby, what did my body really have to do?!"
"Feck. It's impossible"
"I feel pregnant. My boobs hurt"
"Ohhhhh, I have a zit on my chin. Totally a sign"
"I'm doomed"
"I'm doomed and my kid is going to hate me for never making her a sibling"
"Ohhhh, I felt a cramp. Must be implantation"
"I F'ing hate my body and my stupid ovaries"

You get the picture. Because that's where I've been for the last day or so. Sure it worked, sure it failed. Feeling silly about being optimistic with one, lone, fair embryo...blah blah blah.

The thing is, with Alex, I did feel some weird, crazy sensations around 7dpo. I swear! I'm not making this up. And I'm not one to put a lot of stock into super early 2ww symptoms-if people pay enough attention, they will feel every tiny bodily sensation that ever existed. Still doesn't mean they created a human being. Anyway, around 7dpo, I totally felt light pinching sensations in my uterine area for like an entire day. I was so sure that it was implantation--it felt like nothing I had felt before. I was so sure. I was so sure that, like the crazy asshole I am when it comes to peeing on sticks, I took a test at 8dpo. Yeah, it was negative. Duh. I didn't test at 9dpo because I was all angry and bitter and defeated...but like an addict...I couldn't control myself and tested and 10dpo. And it was positive. A beautiful, relatively dark positive.

So where am I going with this? I'm technically 8dpo today. I've felt nothing. Nada. Zilch. I know. I'm being a total downer for no logical reason. I mean my little microcosm of cells (I don't know if I used that word in the correct context, but it seemed like a good descriptor of my embryo and I've been itching to use it. So bare with me) is tiny, minute. What the heck could I possibly feel???

Anyway, I'm hungry (wholy crap, another sign!) so I'm gonna get some cereal (a craving?). Then Alex and I are hitting up Target because we BOTH are irrationally in love with that place. Just seeing the red carts puts us both into our happy place. I may buy my kid a toy too, because why not spoil my only child (see, I'm hormonal too)?

PS. The pool party was a HUGE success, but I couldn't get rid of people! People were here until 2 (am) or so...people sleeping over. Oy, it was like being 19 again and living in a townhouse with 6 other people. Choas. But--a good distraction from the happenings in my uterus.

 We won't even talk about how many cupcakes just had the icing licked off

 Alex making s'mores with her cousin, Rylee

 Alex cuddling with cousin Reese

 Yeah, that's how we roll

FET #1-Check!

Ok....so number two "best" option did not happen: that the embryo wouldn't survive the thaw and we would get our 1250 back. So we are most definitely out 1250. Small price to pay for a healthy baby---BIG price to pay for nothing. We'll see.

The transfer went smoothly, even without a Valium inspired haze. Why did I say no to the offered Valium? Too much shit to do at home for this pool party today. Dr. K was his usual chipper, hippy self and he went on and on, ad nauseum, about my tattoo (the one with Alex's name on my foot and a seeded dandelion blowing in the breeze) and how "wishes do really come true". When I asked the grade of my poor, lone embie, he kind of did not want to tell me and instead gave me a pep talk about how the prettiest embryo's don't always make it, but the ones with the most "passion" do. I'm not making this shit up. Anyway, it can't be a good sign when your doctor doesn't want to tell you the actual grade. But I'm easy--he did get me all jacked up and relatively excited. I didn't really have the heart to ask him again because he was trying so hard. So, instead, I kind of went behind his back (I'm a coward, I know) and spoke privately with the embryologist--who was fantastic, btw.

So the deal with my one sole survivor is that it's an early day five blastocyst--which is why it got a grade of a 2. The full grade is a 2CB.  Now for those lucky enough to have no friggin' clue what I'm talking about, a really really super awesome embryo is like a 4AA. So yeah, mine is definitely fair. However, the first number could go up because it's only young right now. The embryologist said the C could get better too, that often times young blastocysts don't have high first letters because they are still growing and evolving. The "B" part is good, however. Yay for something good.

The embryologist also reiterated that there are so many other factors related to whether a pregnancy is established--and that grading is NOT the end-all-be-all. It's subjective in many cases. She also reiterated what Dr. G once said to me--that the most beautiful embryo's often do nothing while the good or fair ones make it to a healthy baby. No one knows the when's where's and why's. Pregnancy, establishing a pregnancy, is still such a mystery. There's still so much we don't know.

She also said that some women do better with a FET, because their bodies have not had to undergo the stress of a fresh IVF cycle. I can relate to this, as I felt like absolute crappola when I went through IVF in February.  She even said that some women do better with a single embryo transfer, rather than multiple. For this point, I think she was just trying to make me feel better and blowing smoke up my ass. But hey. I liked her. She answered most of my questions honestly. She made me feel better without giving me false hope.

So I'm now, technically, 6 days past ovulation---or 1dp5dt. I'm sitting here wondering if my little guy is still alive and growing and about to implant...or if he has already disintegrated into a big jumble of random cells and mush. Fortunately, I don't have time to worry about this, as I have a par-tay to prepare for :) Plus, I hear Alex grumbling up in bed. So when I have another moment, I will have to post a picture of my little ball of cells. He's not much to look at yet, be warned....

FET Update...and Stuff.

I just realized I never updated my blog regarding my appointment last Friday. It went well. Kind of not-so-exciting but, then again, how exciting can a frozen cycle be??? Unless of course you end up pregnant. I gotta say though, I DIG the frozen cycles! They are. so. easy. Seriously. Go to the doctor's one or twice, take some pills, insert some progesterone and voila--you're ready for the transfer. Way better than the shit that comes along with doing a fresh cycle!

So anyway, as of last Friday, my lining was on average over a 9. They want to see at least 7 1/2. So we're good there. My instructions were to continue with the Estrace three times/day and begin with Crinone Gel two times a day beginning last Sunday. And tomorrow is my FET at either 10:15 or 10:45. I suppose I should check on that. I wonder when they will tell me if my little guy has survived? My poor little left over embie. Today? Tonight? Tomorrow--after making the drive to the clinic? When do they actually thaw them anyway? Hmmm...so many questions. I'm deliberately not doing research because I know myself and I know that I can get all single-minded and obsessive.

We'll see what happens. I'm amazingly relaxed about all of this. Probably because I have realistic expectations for a cycle that is a. frozen b. with only one embryo and c. one embryo of fair quality. Best case scenario, the embryo takes and gives us a healthy baby! Second "best" case is that the embryo doesn't survive the thaw and we get our 1250 back. Worst case scenario is that the embryo survives the thaw and I don't get pregnant. Well, you get it...because I'm not pregnant and OUT 1250. I don't mean to sound mercenary, but hey, I don't work in the summer.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! FET in the morning and then home to clean and cook for our big pool party on Saturday. Got lots to do. I'm going to try to get a lot of the more active cleaning stuff (i.e. vacuuming) done today so I can take it relatively easy tomorrow after the procedure. Luckily my mother is going to come over in the afternoon to help out. Yeah, so this party and my FET were poorly timed. Oh well. Can't stop life because of these treatments. 

Well Hello, Stranger.

Still on a semi-blogging break. Partly because I'm lazy, partly because I'm pretty busy (despite not working atm) and partly because I'm not really in the mood to talk about fertility/infertility etc etc etc.

Buttttt....here I am! We got back from Australia about two weeks ago. We had a fabulous time, despite the weather being unseasonably cold for their winter. And by cold, I mean 65-70. I know, what a joke. But despite the mild weather by our standards, my sister-in-law and in-laws were all bundled up in their "jumpers" (sweaters to us) and fluffy socks. They looked at us like we were nuts in our capris and tank tops.

But we did have a great time. It's always so exciting to go and always so hard to leave. I get along great with Dan's family and wished that we could all be in one area all the time. It was hard for Alex to leave her Nana and Deda as well. She kept saying "I want to keep them". Poor kid. There were definitely tears at the airport upon our departure back home. Four weeks always goes sooooo fast! Alex loved hanging out with her cousin, Will, who has just turned one (after sister-in-law went through 4 IVF's). Alex called him "Baby cousin baby Will". It was nice to see the two of them together. It's funny how little kids "get" each other, even babies as young as one. They just understood each other and even played-despite the age gap. Very cute to see. I think Alex liked bossing him around because he's too young to know better. We'll see how that goes next summer when she is 3 1/2 and he's 2!

We fit a lot into those four weeks. We went on a family vacation to the Whitsundays--Daydream Island. Yes, they had a swim-up bar. Yes, we took advantage. We had Will's big first birthday party, visited with extended family, went to the Botanical Gardens in Rockhampton, had dinner with friends, spent a night in Brisbane with Uni friends, went to the beach, went on a rainforest walk on Daydream Island, went on some picnics, to playgrounds, etc etc etc. Was a good time. Back to reality now.

And reality is.....our FET is underway!!! We only have one five day blast of fair quality. I'm not holding out a huge amount of hope for success....but hey...this could be it. This little blast could have all the components to make up a complete human being. I feel like I should give the little guy a chance...he's held in there this long.

So I'm on Estrace three times/day and go back Friday for a lining check. Hopefully it will be nice and fat. Also hoping my little guy survives the big thaw, but if he doesn't (I wonder why I keep saying he????) then he probably wouldn't have made it in utero anyway. C'est la vie.

Of course I have to add some pics :) Probably the next post....


Ps. If you're wondering how Alex did on the LONG plane rides, here's the answer:

Mostly good. With a few exceptions. On the way over, she was really pretty sick, running a fever and with a sore throat. Just our luck, she got sick the day before we left. The doctor felt it was just a virus that had to run its course. I was hoping to get some antibiotics out of the deal, but that was a no-go. Anyway, she slept a lot on the way over, which was great. BUT, because she was sick, she wanted to sleep on me the entire time. So yeah, I basically held her for 6 hours straight before handing her off to Dan. I'm all for snuggling but......

On the way home, she did excellent. There was only one flight that she was cranky for-but apart from that, she was a virtual angel :) Tablets are lifesavers. Just sayin'. And snacks. And the mini magna-doodle. 

Oh, and the Dallas/Fort Worth airport that had a children's play place. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! You Texans are wonderful, smart, fabulous people!