Those 25 Seconds After Taking a Pregnancy Test...

Those several seconds after peeing on a pregnancy test stick are brutal. You all probably know what I am talking about. You know, those 25-30 seconds where you wait and watch, and you're probably still on the can yourself. Those seconds are torture, brutal, misleading. Ahhhh...how many times have I become excited because I *thought* I saw something-a little trace of color-only to have it fade as quickly as it came...and then the control line gets darker and darker and darker (if you're wondering, First Response, Early Response is my test of choice). In my post pregnancy test reflection, I realize that there never was a line, actually. It was just the dye moving across the window to light up the control line like a Christmas tree. But man, those few seconds-those seconds when the test line is ever so slightly illuminated...man, what a tease. I may just begin using digitals from now on.

Can you guess I recently tested? And I bet you can also guess the result?

But 2012 is a new year, a new start! While I know that my husband and I would LOVE a healthy baby, the more important thing is that we are all together and that we are healthy. A baby would be the absolute icing on the cake. But life is pretty darn good already (knock on wood-because I'm superstitious).

Have a wonderful night and a fertile 2012!

Some pics of Alex at her gymnastics class

Cycle Day 30

Cycle Day 30...and NO end in sight! Seriously, it doesn't even feel like my period is anywhere on its way. I'm not bloated, not crampy, not spotting. I'm thinking that there's pretty much nothing happening. Its gotta come sometime, right???

So some of you might be wondering...."why doesn't she just go in and get some progesterone to bring on her period"? Well, that had been the plan. The NP told me that if I hadn't gotten my period by the 28th or 29th day of my cycle, I could come in and get that prescription. And why haven't I done that??? Well, basically, it has been a crazzzzyyyy week!

We had a nice Christmas (mostly), but it was not smooth sailing! On Christmas Eve (fortunately at the very end of the night, at about 10pm) Alex began saying, "Ear hurt" and was crying. She was pretty uncomfortable all night and so Dan and I didn't get much sleep either. I ended up getting sick to my stomach Christmas Eve night as well (an adverse reaction to clam sauce, I think) and Dan managed to tweak his back around this time as well. We were a mess. So Christmas Day, while fun, was probably not the best we have ever had-or will have. Alex was still sick and vomited twice and did not want to eat. She had fun opening presents, but was not herself. Alex has also begun teething these last few days-2 year molars! So that hasn't been fun for her :( Anyway, it was a crazy week with all of us getting sick at different times, with doctor's appointments and a teething baby and redoing a guest bedroom to a play room. Yep-never made it to the specialist. But I figure that I will give it another few days and go in if my period doesn't start. Heck, at this point in time...what's the big deal with waiting a few more days??? My friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test, since my period is late (well, late in comparison to my last few cycles). I laughed at her and told her there was no way I was pregnant. Really, I no longer even trick myself into thinking that I could be anymore. You have to ovulate to get pregnant. That's kind of essential. I think that I would pretty much pass out from shock if I did test and it was positive!

Let's see, more updates....just found out (via FaceBook) that another friend is pregnant :O Ummmm, I brought Alex to a bounce-house place today (first day any of us have felt good) and it was pretty much like every women there had not only one older child, but an infant as well. I was totally surrounded! One woman (we kind of chatted) had a daughter Alex's age and infant twins-boy and girl. Gosh, I bet you guys can understand how tempted I was to ask her if they were fertility treatment twins! LOL-don't worry, I contained myself. That would be a little creepy if I had asked....

And some pics, of course :)

 Christmas Eve, opening a present with Noni

 LOVE this pic...and that dress!

 Hanging out with her cousin on the stairs...the cool place to be, apparently 

 Christmas Morning...Santa brought a dollhouse!

 And her Nana and Deda from Australia got her a kitchen!

 Vet kit

 The carnage!

 Christmas Day opening presents at Noni and G-Pop's house

Opening yet more presents at her great aunt and uncle's house

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone has a blessed holiday and enjoys this special time with loved ones. And may 2012 be an especially fertile year for you! I hope that anyone who finds their way to this blog (or any blog about infertility, for that matter) is blessed with a pregnancy or baby this time next year. Things can change instantly...even when it appears as though nothing is working. You never know what is in store for you!

And to those not pregnant at the moment, may you indulge in copious amounts of alcohol this holiday season...or if that's not your thing...may you indulge in mercury laden seafood and cold-cuts. It is my wish that we all (myself included) are round oompa loompa's next year and have kankles instead of ankles and will be discussing heartburn with our relatives after a big Christmas dinner. In other words, by this time next year...I hope that we are all knocked up...or as they would say in Australia..... "Up the duff"....

Keep the hope. In my own life, in the lives of people I know, I've seen miracles happen. If you have it in you, just keep going...

Have a wonderful few days :)

Oh...and PS....Period still hasn't come...still waiting, waiting, waiting.....

My presents from Alexandra:

oh COME. ON.

Do you know what today is? Well, you probably don't....but it is cycle day 20. Last cycle, I had a complete, heavy, full flow on cycle day 20. Spotting started on cycle day 19. Of course, that was when I was praying and hoping and wishing that my period would stay away until my appointment.

Now? Now that I want my period to come so I can move on to our first injectable cycle (well, first since before Alex)...well, now it's  NOWHERE in sight. I'm not having any cramping, no bloating, no emotionality (except for being incredulous about this situation) no nothing. Nothing to indicate that the evil witch known as "Aunt Flo" is coming. And no. I am not pregnant.

Waiting sucks. I have no eloquent words. 'Nuff said. Waiting when you're "oh so close" sucks even more. Grrrraarrrrrrr!

Come on...just throw me a bone, will ya, fertility Gods???

Even My Favorite Radio Personality is....

...Is pregnant. Ok, well not him. His wife of five months is a little over three months pregnant. Yeah. Wife of five months...three months pregnant. I guess that stuff really does happen--to other people.

I got a little teary eyed listening to the radio because A. I love listening to this guy and am happy for him because he seems like he would be a good dad and B. I'm just plain old jealous. I can admit it. That's healthy, right? Admitting to your feelings and all that? I might be a touch hormonal too, at the moment. Let's hope that means my period will be here SOON!

Ohhhhhh but I'm not done yet. So I am at work and Creepy Work Guy says to me, from out of nowhere I might add: "Hey, so you remember what I said to you last Spring"?

Me: "Um. Not really".
Creepy Work Guy: "You don't remember? We talked about how I know when people are about to get pregnant".
Me: "Oh. Yeah. I guess I remember that" (well, in actuality, the memory of that talk is burnt into my head. And not in a good way)
Creepy Work Guy: "So are you?"
Me: "Am I....????" (insert pregnant pause...BAHAHAHAHAHA....no pun intended)
Creepy Work Guy: "Pregnant...I said you would be by Christmas".
Me: "Oh. No. No. There's nothing going on there. Unless it happens like...now."

And so the conversation went on in its own stilted way, with Creepy Work Guy a little bit disappointed that he did not predict my pregnancy accurately. He went walking away, mumbling about how he had been "slipping" lately. Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up. I work with some wacky people. How will I be able to deal with this when I am off coffee???

Oh. And the best part...he says this in front of my boss and the secretary. So then I feel kind of exposed and feel compelled (for some reason) to announce, "Well, we aren't really ready for number 2 yet...so we aren't really trying or anything". Oh yeah. I crossed that barrier. I was the girl who "over shared" at work. They are probably thinking about how I really need better boundaries. And what I said to them...that was totally bringing back the ol' "standby" excuse for when we were trying for number one: "we just aren't ready yet...we're having too much fun". Yeah. Right. Butt out is more like it.

So that's my tale of woe for today. Everyone is pregnant and Creepy Work Guy is as creepy and tactless as ever.

And for all of you who have no idea what I am talking about, read these links...Creepy Work Guy has a staring role (from April 2011)

http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/2011/04/well-thank-you-creepy-work-guy.html

Oh, and here's a more recent one featuring CWG
http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/2011/11/turns-out-creepy-work-guy-was-wrong.html

More Test Results Back...

So we got the last two test results back from the blood they took at our re-consultation. They were looking at Vitamin D levels and AMH levels. My vitamin D level was normal-well ok-low normal...but that makes sense for living in a perpetually cloudy state! For all those unfamiliar with AMH (because I sure as heck was), it is an acronym for "Anti-Mullerian Hormone". Quite a mouthful that one. AMH is a blood test that measures ovarian reserve. Here's a description from a website:

"AMH stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone. It is also called MIS (Mullerian Inhibiting Substance) . Since AMH is produced directly by the ovarian follicles, AMH levels correlate with the number of antral follicles in the ovaries . It has been documented that women with lower AMH have lower antral follicular counts and produce a lower number of oocytes compared with women with higher levels".

Apparently, specialists have begun looking at AMH over FSH because it (AMH) does not change depending on where you are in your cycle (whereas you have to test FSH on cycle day 3). Anything around 1ng/ml to 3 ng/ml is considered a normal result. Numbers lower than 1ng/ml are sub-optimal. Anything above 3-3.5 ng/ml is considered high (usually associated with PCOS) and places the woman at risk for hyperstimulation.

So...my AMH level was..... 9.5 ng/ml! Gee-think I have poly-cystic ovaries? Basically...I have A LOT of antral follicles. Which makes sense since I don't ovulate on my own-I guess I'm kind of hoarding my follicles, in a sense.

Ok. I'd rather have a higher result than a lower result without a doubt...but the risk for over-stimulation is greater than typical. Also, I don't believe AMH speaks to egg quality. So I can say I have a ton of eggs, but who the heck knows of the quality. Is there a test for quality? I just hope with all those follicles dotting my ovaries, something will work and we get our one healthy baby.

I'm definitely getting scared though. Well, nervous is probably a better descriptor. Nervous and anxious to just get. on. with. it. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I hate inaction. But I'm not looking forward to all the feelings (the old feelings that I thought I had buried after our previous treatments) if our first cycle is unsuccessful. I'm trying to stay realistic. I know there's a good chance that it won't happen for us right away. But a part of me still hopes we will be the "one cycle and done" family. I can't help it. And I am probably setting myself up for a hard fall. Ahhh....it's just a viscous cycle! I need a crystal ball so I can look into the future to see what happens. I just want to know!

Oh...as for my cousin update/preg-dar update: results are inconclusive. No announcement was made at the family Christmas party, but I did watch said cousin all night and she was drinking water, rather than partaking in the ample amounts of alcohol provided. When I mentioned this to my sister-she looked at me like I was OFF MY ROCKER and asked why I was visually stalking this cousin. *Sigh* She just doesn't get it....which is probably a good thing.

Fertility Update, Pregnancy Announcment & Alex Update...

Well this blog entry is going to have a little bit of everything...a hodge podge if you will.

Firstly...we got the results of Dan's seamen analysis back yesterday and everything came back within completely normal limits-motility, morphology, count, viscosity, etc etc etc-all completely normal :) We had no reason to believe that things would not be normal on that front, as there were no issues last time, but it's always nice to hear that things are STILL good in that particular arena.

Today was a big first for Alexandra....we converted her crib into a toddler bed! I thought I was going to feel a little bit nostalgic, but I held it together, lol. Seriously, it's better this way...we got our wake up call that it was time for a change when she had one whole leg dangling over the rails of her crib. So yeahhhh...probably best this way, although it was really nice to have her contained to ONE space!

After getting Alex's room and bed in order, we went to our town's festival of lights and then to my parents' house for pizza and wings. We had a very nice time, although I don't know that Alex was too impressed with the Santa at the festival. She was kind of giving him the dirt eye. Although I guess he would appear to be somewhat freakish to a two year old who doesn't yet "get" who Santa is!

So yes...it was a very nice night, but once we got home I was completely blindsided! You see, my preg-dar has been twitching for awhile now about one of my cousins. She is 32 and has been married for 2 1/2 years. She wants kids. Basically, I'm just waiting for the announcement and have been kind of mentally preparing myself that "the" announcement might take place on Sunday, at the big family Christmas party that her parents throw. So yeah, I've been mentally preparing for that. BUT-I was blindsided because when I got home tonight, one of my good friends from college messaged me on FB saying that she is expecting!

I am thrilled for my friend. She is 11 weeks and due June 30th. Yes, I'm very happy for her. But kind of sad for myself. Of course. As usual. I wonder if I will ever feel simple, complete happiness at hearing a pregnancy announcement??? I wonder, even if we go on to have a second or third baby and are no longer trying, will I still feel a little bit sad when hearing about pregnancies? Has infertility become that much a part of my life? Will this be pain that, to some degree, I carry around forever-even if only because I can *remember* the pain so vividly? What will life be like if I am ever fortunate enough to be DONE building our family and fertility does not matter? What will it feel like to no longer have to think about this stuff? God, please let these treatments work. Please let us have one more healthy baby....

So I'll keep you updated about tomorrow, in regard to whether my preg-dar is accurate or not. If it is...man, two pregnancy announcements in 24 hours. I may need to go on a bender of some sort, perhaps some SERIOUS retail therapy. Whatever it takes to get through this infertility jungle, right?

Alex's toddler bed!

She loved being able to climb in and out on her own!

Feeling VERY fortunate :)

No. I'm not pregnant. Ha...just had to get that out there!

But I AM feeling extremely fortunate and blessed and lucky and...and a bunch of other great feelings.

My medicine arrived today. Four Gonal-F pens, two boxes of Crinone (which is new to me), a whole Lupron kit with needles and wipes, HcG shots and our very own sharps container, lol. All delivered today via a friendly FedEx guy. Thanks Freedom Pharmacy!

But the best part of all....we only had to pay 55 bucks for the whole lot!!! I nearly cried when my husband told me.  Thank you insurance and to my job for adding an extra (and awesome) fertility treatment rider to our plan! Last time we had to order this much medication, it cost over 800 bucks, AND that was with insurance paying a LARGE percentage already. It was also confirmed that our plan pays for three IVF's. Of course, we are hoping to not have to go that route, but if we do, at least that aspect is generally taken care of. I feel very blessed to not have to really worry about this aspect of TTC, when the whole process is already plagued by worry and fear. Thank you, God. Thank you to whoever decided to add that rider....whether our treatments work or not, I will not take this gift for granted!

So here's my loot:

(Re)consultation, CHECK!

And it went well! I definitely will not be starting meds this month...which basically confirmed what I already knew. But apart from that minor disappointment (minor now, because I had a few days to work through it, lol), the appointment was great. I had my consultation with the nurse practitioner whom I saw a lot last time, so she knows my history. Apparently, she uses me as an example to her other patients about how good ovarian drilling can be for PCOS and fertility-since I got preggo with Alexandra right after my drilling. Who knows, perhaps I will have to go that route again? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, they did blood work (of course...bunch of vampires, lol!) and an ultrasound. Nothing much new there-my ovaries are still poly cystic in appearance, of course. I guess with the blood work, they are paying more attention to vitamin D levels than previously and are now checking ovarian reserve more frequently now. Meg-my nurse-didn't think I would have a problem with ovarian reserve, despite the fact that I am getting periods every 20-25 days. She seems to feel that the short cycles have more to do with a luteal phase defect-another common problem in PCOS women-than with ovarian reserve. Keeping my fingers crossed that the test comes back normal. I'd hate to have another thing fertility related to stress over. I did, however, take one of those First Response fertility tests the other day. It came as a freebie in a pack of pregnancy tests. It is supposed to measure FSH and ovarian reserve. My result was in the normal range...so lets hope it was accurate and I won't get any bad surprises from the blood test! If it is a luteal phase defect, we'll have to ramp up the progesterone, but it should be fine.

So anyway....dh has to have a repeat seamen analysis, which we will be doing this week and the doctor is ordering all my meds (Gonal F, Lupron, trigger) to be delivered by courier within the next week to week and a half. I'm excited! It's all starting! I should be good to go as soon as my period comes again! Now lets keep the fingers crossed that this is a SUPER SHORT cycle! Meg told me that if I get to 28 days without a period, I can call and they will prescribe me Provera. I'm hoping it comes sooner than that though!

So that's my reconsultation story. Everyone was very friendly and very nice and actually seemed to remember us :) They all wanted to see pics of Alex so, of course, I happily obliged ;) It must be so rewarding to work there...to witness all the lives you helped create, all the families you helped build. Maybe they would hire me on for counseling services? They provide everything else already-yoga, massage, acupuncture, support groups, etc etc. I'd love that job :)

 Our new favorite thing: old gift bags! She puts all of her Little People and stuffed animals in them and walks around!

 Having a daddy day at the area children's museum

 Mad that this is blurry because it's so cute! Alex holding her friend, Damian's, hand

How sweet is this tree????? LOOOVVVE it!

Well...There Is No Denying...

...My period is well and truly here :( She came full blast on Thursday, which was only cycle day 20 (well, actually cycle day 1 now).

I was so hoping that I would spot for awhile, as I often spot for 5 or 6 days beforehand. Nope. Wasn't happening. And funny enough (well, actually, NOT so funny), getting my period on Thursday was probably the WORST day to get it to ensure that I wouldn't be able to start injections this cycle. Doesn't it just figure?  How's that for luck?

I even tried calling my fertility center to explain the situation to see if they could do anything-squeeze me in only a few days earlier, or loan me medications until mine come in. No can do. They have new protocols and would probably want me to begin injections on cd 3. Which is...oh yeah....TODAY.

Damn you PCOS! You have won this battle, but I plan to kick your ass next time (knock on wood because God forbid I jinx myself, as I am an especially superstitious infertile)!

On a funny side note....Dan and I saw the new Harold and Kumar Christmas movie and Harold and his wife were TTC. Apparently they had been trying for a year. Well, in the opening scene the wife was saying that they needed to "get busy" because she was ovulating. And then-miraculously THE NEXT DAY-which happened to be Christmas Day-she was waving around a positive pregnancy test-LOL! If only you could ovulate one day and get a positive test the next day. No more two week waits-sounds like a pretty sweet deal!

Seriously?!

Seriously? What the heck? I. Am. Spotting. And I'm only on cycle day 19. Yes, that's right, 19! Who spots on day 19???? About 4 years ago, I would have felt hopeful about the spotting. I would have said, "Wow, maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I guess I'm just a little jaded now in regard to conception, lol. I am not even entertaining the thought of implantation because there's not a snow ball's chance in heck that I am pregnant.

My only hope now is that I will spot for several days before the witch gets here. If I make it to Sunday without a full blown period, I *should* still be able to have my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday and get my meds ordered and ready to go for this cycle. If it starts sooner, I'm pretty sure that I'll have to sit tight and wait out this cycle. Ugh. Why is there always SO MUCH WAITING involved with fertility treatments? I know I know...I've waited this long, another month won't be so bad-especially if it's as short of a cycle as this one might be. However, PCOS is a tricky and unpredictable beast: if I do have to wait, my next cycle will probably be 100 days long. Oh yeah...you can bet I will be calling for some progesterone if that happens.

Anyway. Just thought I would post because I couldn't believe it when I began spotting. It's almost comical. I just kind of slapped my head and said, "Ah, of course". Timing is everything! Fingers crossed that my period stays away another few days!

ONE WEEK

Actually....it is technically *less than* one week until our appointment (appointment is on the morning of the 6th, after all). So here we go! Time to jump into everything again! Yes...I am excited. Yes....I am a little nervous and, even now, somewhat unsure of what is about to happen. But I guess sometimes there is such a thing as "over-thinking" and perhaps now is the time to turn off my brain and just *act*. So we are jumping in, feet first. Now as long as my period stays away until either the day before, the day of, or right after my appointment, we'll be all set!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and that you were able to spend it with the people you love. We had a great one here and are now very much looking forward to the Christmas holidays. Our tree is up and the house is decorated. Alex is now at the age where she is very curious and wanting to help with everything. Which is fun...albeit a slow process!

 Thanksgiving Day...all dressed up in her sweater dress! About to head out to our feast!

 "Eating" Thanksgiving dinner. For Alex, that consisted of a roll and three bites of turkey

 But she loved the pumpkin pie!

 Helping to unpack the Christmas tree

 Giving daddy a hand

 Very serious about putting up the first ornament

All done!

Thanksgiving.

Not a day goes by when I don't give thanks for all my blessings: my wonderful husband, our daughter, our families, our health. The list goes on and on and on-and for this alone, we are VERY fortunate and blessed. I make it a goal to not take any of this for granted and I think that, for the most part, I succeed.  Though we all have our moments where we lose sight of all that we have.

It's easy to be thankful for the blessings. For the good things. But what about the not-so-great parts of life? Sometimes these parts, the things that make you cry and scream, may be blessings in disguise because they are leading you to something much greater, something truly wonderful and magical. Perhaps the journey, even the most difficult and grueling ones, are a blessing?

I am not to the point where I can be happy about my PCOS and our fertility struggles. But I do know one thing: if we hadn't taken the road that we did, filled with all the bumps and bruises and miseries and depression, we would not have Alexandra with us. If we didn't struggle to have a baby, we most likely would have become pregnant a lot sooner. We would have had another baby, whom we would have loved with all our hearts. But Alex was meant to be in this world. She was meant to be our child. And I can't imagine a life-or a world-without her in it. Every tear shed, every drop of blood spilled, every painful procedure completed.....it was all leading us to this. Thank you, God.

Like A Dog with a Bone....

That's totally how I am when there is a hint of "pregnancy suspense" in the air. Or perhaps the better adage would be: "a moth to a flame"?

Ok. So I mentioned a few blog posts ago that I thought that there was a second pregnant woman at work, the first being my friend Jen who is about 33 weeks along. Basically, our boss let it slip that there were "pregnant people" at work...so that got everyone wondering.

Needless to say, I have been on high alert:checking out mid-drifts, critiquing clothing choices (Wow, "Meg" is wearing a pretty loose fitting shirt) and taking inventory of lunches. Ok, I haven't been quite that insane. But I did notice that a few ladies were not eating deli meat. Hmmmmm....

Honestly, I just couldn't let it go. Even though I knew that I was going to be completely jealous and sad for myself, I just *had* to know who it was. What does that say about me? Am I a masochist? Turns out, it is my coworker, Andrea, who is pregnant. She is 8 weeks along. She told me that she was "super surprised" that she was even pregnant because it was their FIRST MONTH trying. Wow. Talk about a novel concept. I can't imagine what it must be like to just plan to get pregnant-and HAVE IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Getting pregnant on your first month of trying...isn't that some sort of fertility urban legend?

When it rains, it pours...pregnant women are taking over my life lately. Why, oh why, couldn't they all get pregnant a year earlier, when Alex was so much younger and my baby envy was at a minimum? And the thing about Andrea is that she will have the perfect baby belly because she is tiny. So she will have the perfect basketball. I won't lie. I am jealous. Can you tell?

And now for a note of positivity: 2 weeks till our appointment!

Family and Infertility Treatments.

Family and infertility treatments. To share or not share, that is an IMPORTANT question. And one that may require intense scrutiny. And if you decide to share the where's and when's and how's....how much detail do you give? Do you talk about having an IUI-calling the procedure by its given name and leaving it at that (thus making your family work for details. Because you KNOW that they will Google it), or do you tell your family about how your husband's "life force" actually gets into your uterus? And that could be a clinical or a colorful explanation (very likely staring a turkey baster). See...more choices to consider!

So what to do, what to do? Tell, not tell? If your family is like my family, telling only a few people is NOT an option because  everyone will find out anyway-and because those you didn't tell will probably be "hurt" that you didn't trust them enough to tell them personally, blah blah blah. Yeah. My mom's side, they're a tight knit Italian clan. That should explain the lack of boundaries and enmeshment. Fortunately, we don't have the same sort of intensity on my father's side or in Dan's family. Love my family, really do. BUT limit setting is a matter of survival and sanity.

Anyway. Last time we went through treatments, we did not tell our extended families about anything. I didn't want to be "gossiped" about, even if the general motivation was because they cared about us. I didn't want to feel different, like an outcast next to my fertile cousins. Whenever anyone in "the family" would ask us about having kids, I used to just say "we aren't ready yet...we're having too much fun right now". Fun. Yeah right! But I really wanted them to think that it was our choice.

Let me preface this next statement by saying that I love my mother. She's a good woman and a great mother. HOWEVER, one of her flaws is that she loves loves LOVES to gossip. About anyone and anything. Which is one of the reasons why I don't get involved in gossip either in my personal life or work life. People can say whatever they want to me and I will listen, but I am not going around spreading the stuff myself.

Anyway, we told our parents and siblings and our closest friends about the treatments. We let them know that they were amongst the "blessed few" (LOL) to know about this. I had thought that my mom's gossiping ways would not extend to her children, but I was wrong. Within a week, everyone in the family knew that we were going to a "fertility doctor". Let's just say, the family was not too stealth in trying to pump information out of us at holiday functions. Made Christmas a lot of fun that year-especially given the fact that I had a miscarriage about three days prior to Christmas Eve 2008.

Of course, I was very hurt that my mom couldn't keep this to herself. After all, I trusted her with this painful knowledge. I felt disrespected. I felt like she cheapened this experience by spreading it all over the place. But I also think that she might have done it because she was *so* worried about us, about me especially, about how I was holding up. I think that she needed to get a lot of it off her chest and needed her own platform from which to vent. So perhaps her intentions were not horrible and came from a place of worry and love. But it still hurt.

And I love my mom as much as before. But it did change our relationship a little bit. Basically, I don't confide in her about anything fertility related. After talking about it for awhile now, Dan and I have decided not to tell either set of parents or siblings (because really....are they going to be able to keep it from our parents) that we are doing treatments again. We also decided that we aren't going to tell them, God willing, that we are pregnant again until after the first trimester (that part coming from my mom telling everyone about our pregnancy with Alex at 6 weeks!).  It kind of sucks that it has to be this way. But this is better than having to field invading questions that, really, no one has a right to ask in the first place.

Coming from a big, close- knit family is wonderful in so many ways. This, however, is not one of them ;P Unfortunately for my cousin, Sara, the family is sniffing around her because she is in her 30's, has been married for 2.5 years and has been known to have been "trying" since September 2010. Poor girl. I need to give her lessons in not giving out too much information!

 First time in pigtails! 

 Monkey hat <3

 Who needs daylight to ride?

Keeping My Fingers Crossed....

...That my period either comes *right after* my consultation (so I don't have to wait too long for a baseline appointment) or that my cycle day one is on *the day* of my consultation so I can have my baseline then.

As with anything fertility related, timing is everything. For an infertile, timing is also important in order to *order the medicine on time*. For me, my insurance dictates that I get my injections through Freedom Pharmacy. They are AWESOME. I have always had awesome experiences with them. They specialize in fertility medication. My doctor puts in a call to them and they deliver my meds, to my door, the next day. Super reliable.

So the problem isn't Freedom Pharmacy...the problem is that if I am on cycle day two, three or four on the day of my consultation, my doctor may not be able to order the medicine in time to begin treatments on that cycle. Which would be more waiting. Which is tough for a woman with PCOS who doesn't know if her next period will come in 21 days or in 81 days.

So I am determined not to worry about when AF comes (even though I really really REALLY want it to come on the day of my appointment or right after) because, well, there's nothing I can do about it. I guess it's one of those things that I have to let go and try not to worry about.  I know a few weeks doesn't make a difference, regarding when we start treatments. But man...now that we made the decision to begin treatments again-I want to start like YESTERDAY. Ugh. I have an instant gratification issue. Might be my fatal flaw....and certainly not a good trait to have with fertility issues. Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Edited to add: EXACTLY THREE WEEKS TILL OUR APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!

Bittersweet....

So this past weekend, we have begun to change Alexandra's room. Basically, we put all of her baby bedding/decorations in storage and took down her changing table. Her room is now less of a baby room and more of a little girl room. It's exciting to redo things, but sad too. I got a little sentimental when taking down her changing table...I can't imagine how I will feel when taking down her crib (we're aren't quite ready for that yet!).

Anyway....here are some pics of Alex's "big girl" room ;)  We have a mix of everything...owls, flowers, princesses, etc.

 The total picture

 A new bookcase where her changing table used to be

 <3 owls!

 Owl bedding

New lamp in keeping with the theme. Check out the Cinderella crystal lamp-that thing is sweet!

Big Sister Shirts....

So I got the "awesome" idea to look at "Big Sister" shirts for Alex. You know...for her to wear when we announce the impending arrival of our not yet conceived second child. And, while doing this,  I thought "Wow....this is the secondary infertiles equivalent to looking at baby gear online". Or, in extreme cases, actually adding baby gear to a wish list for the yet to be conceived child. Yes. I did this. I wonder if this is normal in the "infertile crowd" or if I completely bypassed normal and was functioning in a whole stratosphere?

Well...we don't need anymore gear. Like many women struggling with infertility, once you do become pregnant, you tend to buy EVERYTHING-multiple of everything-in different colors and varying shades! So yeah, we really don't need any gear. And we totally don't need clothes (unless we have a boy), because I am addicted to buying my daughter clothes. To say that she is better dressed than anyone in our family is NOT an understatement...and it's not like we are absolute slobs. So, we don't need clothes, don't need gear...that leaves me with browsing for "Big Sister" shirts for Alex.

So I guess whether it is your first time through treatments, your second or third...some things remain the same. The excitement, the anticipation, the planning and the dreaming...and the wishing and the praying. We won't even go into the worry and the bouts of hyperventilating/crying because we have all been there.  I guess it's the planning and hoping that gets us through the endless blood draws (seriously...I can now *tell* people the best vein from which to get my blood...the exact location, really), 6AM dates with the transvaginal wand and the "I'm sorry" phone calls from the clinic.  It is that hope that keeps us going when all you may want to do is give up and give in.

And sometimes, hope is hard to have. Sometimes, it seems like a curse. When a cycle doesn't work, hope sometimes seems to abandon you to deal with a harsh reality. And at the lowest of lows, sometimes hope seems to almost be taunting you. It is said that infertility is especially cruel because it is a loss that happens again and again with every month that yields bad news. You can't just grieve and move on. It happens over and over again. How does hope survive that?

I don't know what the answer is. But I know that when we were trying for Alexandra, hope was a double edged sword. It kept me going even when I hurt to the point of physically aching. At these times, I did not welcome it. But, today, looking back on where I was....I thank God everyday that I had hope (even when it hurt like hell to have) and that I *just kept going*. Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and turn your brain off. Sometimes, the only answer is to take a deep breath, cross your fingers and keep moving.

Cycle Day 1

Oh yeah. I'm back to actually keeping track of my days! So today was the first day of my cycle and I am both happy and annoyed, lol. Annoyed because that means that my cycle was only 23 days long (not great IF there was a little embryo trying to implant), which makes me think that my progesterone is low and I probably did not ovulate. But I'm not too bummed out. Even if my progesterone is low-which is common with PCOS-my  fertility doctor will give me supplemental progesterone and hopefully that will be that. No worries (knock on wood, because God forbid I jinx myself)!

I'm also happy that today is CD1 because that means that, when we go back to the doctor on December 6th, I should be around CD 25. WHICH MEANS...if my period is following the same pattern (never a given with PCOS), I should not only be able to have my consultation BUT also my baseline ultrasound to begin treatments RIGHT AWAY! Hopefully this means that I do not have to wait weeks to get my period to start the baseline. So fingers crossed....I could use some good wishes and *awesome timing* vibes :) For those of you who aren't familiar with baseline ultrasounds, they must be done between CD 1-3. If you miss that window, you pretty much have to wait until your next cycle. That's why timing is so important and why I hope to be able to have my consultation and baseline all at once.

In other news...I've been feeling better lately. I just have to acknowledge my feelings and that it's ok to be worried and sad and anxious. I'm just trying to remember that worrying won't actually do me a bit of good. It's basically wasted energy. Easier said than done, though. I'm really trying not to set myself up for disappointment by hoping and thinking that we will get pregnant on my first injectable and IUI cycle, just because it happened that way last time. Would I absolutely love that? Of course. But I just want to *try* and take a wait and see attitude. If there is one thing I learned, it is that **only God knows the reasons for  when and how a child is conceived**.

For example, I have seen so many *perfect* cycles not yield a pregnancy (for myself and others) and I've also seen not-so-great cycles surprise everyone with a pregnancy.  My own personal example is that I had not responded well to the injections on the cycle I got pregnant with Alex. They had given me too low a dose and for awhile, it didn't look like I was going to have any mature eggs. They even discussed canceling the cycle when it looked as if only one egg *might* be mature. I said "heck no"! If there is one egg, I want to give it a shot (no pun intended). Turns out, that one egg was my baby girl. I thank God everyday that we chose to go ahead with the cycle.

So you just never know how or when or why. Even on your less than perfect cycles, try not to lose hope. And I guess....try not to rationalize the why's and why nots. I've come to believe that every star has to be in alignment for a pregnancy to occur. So I am hoping to wait patiently for that time to occur, and pray that the time will come and that we get pregnant with the child who is meant to be ours <3

Here are some fun pictures of our play date at an AWESOME bouncy house with my friend's sons, Jack and Owen. Courtney had a really tough time getting preggo with Jack and had been trying for about one year (she was diagnosed with PCOS). She was a week away from her consultation with a fertility specialist when she found out she was preggo :) And she is one of those lucky PCOS'ers who had no trouble getting pregnant the second time around. I guess these people DO exist and are not just a product of infertility urban legends! As for the bouncy house- Let me tell you-they didn't have this type of stuff when I was a kid!!!

 Alexandra was in ball heaven!

 In one of the little kid bouncy houses

 She loves dogs!!!

 Having fun on the car ride...but she almost mowed over two kids...

My daughter has a MAJOR obsession with buses at the moment...she she was on this for awhile...and did not want to share, lol.